The pandemic has made living abroad even more challenging for trailing spouses. Many of them are still struggling with their daily stay-at-home routine and lockdown restrictions, while their significant other is having an almost regular routine. Here's what Kate, an expat coach in the USA, has to say to trailing spouses.
Kate, herself, followed her spouse abroad, but she chose to reinvent herself professionally. From being an online marketing and business consultant, she now has a new mission. She created Share the love, a coaching business, to help other expat partners navigate through the challenging journey of finding oneself and building a career abroad.
For Kate, typically, a trailing spouse is someone who moved abroad due to the partner's job posting. "Often these kinds of postings are only a couple of years before another assignment or the return back home is waiting". And this is why she doesn't like the term trailing spouse and prefers the term expat partner. "In my experience, those partners do not only play a vital role in the success of the assignment but are also very educated and interesting personalities who are not only trailing but are finding great ways to contribute to the community and create something meaningful for themselves as well."
The impact of the pandemic and travel restrictions on international relocation can't be denied, especially for trailing spouses. "Due to COVID-19, many families decided to split up. Some of these families are now living together again in one place, but I am also in contact with many families who have not seen each other for over a year now." According to Kate, planned assignments have been postponed, and the visa issue for the whole family is a bigger question mark than before. "Others are currently refusing assignments to certain parts of the world because it is not yet clear whether the whole family will be able to travel together and whether they would be able to return home quickly should there be an emergency in the extended family." All these, for Kate, are additional uncertainties to the already adventurous journey abroad. "However, I also see that the situation is slowly calming down and many assume that there will be more postings again towards Q3."
We asked Kate about the challenges of being a trailing spouse in the COVID-19 era and the key things to consider. "I have focused my work on the professional reorientation of expat partners. In recent months, I have observed that many women have not prioritized their own careers. Rather, it was about increasing the care work and taking care of the well-being of the children and the partner. In this context, their own prioritisation of the next professional steps often fell short, and many expat partners put themselves in the back of the queue. For the time after COVID-19, however, I see some advantages for the expat partner due to the increase in remote work."
Still, Kate believes that there are many ways in which trailing spouses can overcome these challenges. "Expat partners play a key role in family management abroad even without COVID-19. Studies show time and again what a contribution they have to the success of the assignment. The pandemic has only reinforced this." In Kate's opinion, expat partners should be aware of what they have achieved and contributed in recent months. "As a support for the family and as an anchor in a turbulent time. The feedback from family back home was certainly not always well-meaning, and many expat partners feel very guilty that they could not be with their extended family or perhaps best friend during this difficult time." According to her, it is important to keep in mind what was good and how and when the family held together. "Then the time has come to prioritize yourself as a partner again and to tackle your own projects. As an expat partner once said to me, "I'm only a good mother if I have my own projects."
Travel restrictions and lockdowns also had a significant impact on the mental health of trailing spouses, like the inability to go out and socialise, or travel back home, etc. "While it is true that real contact was no longer possible, much has shifted to the digital world. I was able to attend many conferences and networking events that took place on the other side of the planet. Especially for expat partners who have already lived in several countries, there are great opportunities to reconnect with old work projects and hobbies'", she says.
"I have experienced that the forced digitalization of many work steps and events will make the life of expats easier. Remote work projects will be easier to find, training can be done independently from the location, and in the future, an exciting mix of offline and online contacts will probably develop."
She believes that for many newer expats who arrived abroad during the lockdown, now is the time to make offline contacts and reach out to others and establish a local network. However, partners can be of great help. For Kate, both partners should have an open and honest interest in the other. "Even if we run into each other every day in the home office, it is important to pause regularly and ask with sincere curiosity and interest how the other is doing. The working partner often has many social contacts through his or her job. Just when the situation allows it again, he can plan meetings with colleagues including his partner. The most important thing, however, is open communication. Tell your partner how you are doing and what you are missing."
Also, many employers have a partner support program. "Often expats don't even know about it, so it's good to proactively ask your employer if they will cover training or coaching for your partner. Many are surprised to learn that there is such a thing if you just ask. If this is not the case and the expat partner does not have his own income, it makes sense to set aside a budget that is only intended for the expat partner and his own projects without having to account for it." But again, Kate insists that the key is to address these issues openly and honestly and to take the time to do so.
