Laugh With Me.......

Q. why did the elephant paint himself diffrent colours A. so he could hide in the crayon box

I know for sure that Lion would never betray her wife but a Tiger 'Wood'.

Two men walk into a bar.  They sit down and order drinks.  After finishing them, they leave.

I know for sure that Lion would never betray her wife but a Tiger 'Wood'.

Teacher: Pappu tell me a story with moral.
Pappu: I called her she was sleeping,
Then she called me I was sleeping.
Moral: Tit for tat….

Student: Call the police fast.
Fast, fast….
Miss: But why what happened??
Student: My pencil has been lost,
I want to register the complain.

Teacher: Where does the rain,
Fall very much?
One student thought for sometime
& answered….
Student: Mam, on land….

Teacher: What do your father do?
Mintu: He distributes everyones happiness & sorrows.
Teacher: What do you mean???
Mintu: He is a postman.

Teacher: What are bad words?
Student: In anger the couple of words-
Spoken out….
& the person feel like peace,
After speaking it….

There was a saying "Try and try until you succeed", how about skydiving hmmp!

A man went to doctor,

Man = "Doctor every night in my dream I am playing soccer."
Doctor = "Take these pills, they will help you sleep better."
Man = "I can't take them, tonight is the final game."

Whats the best thing about dating a homeless girl?
.
.
.
.
.
.
You can drop them off anywere. 

Yo daddy is so fat, the recursive function computing his mass causes a stack overflow.

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich, sits at the bar and orders a Scotch on the rocks. The ostrich says, "Same for me too". The bartender pours the drinks and says, "That will be $15 all together". The guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out EXACTLY $15.

Next day the situation repeats itself, this time he orders a Vodka Martini, and again the ostrich says, "I'll have one too if you don't mind." "That's $12.50", says the bartender. Again the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out EXACTLY the correct amount.

The third day same old story, but he orders a Whisky Sour. You guessed it... the ostrich says, "Ditto!" "That'll be $12", says the barman. Once again the guy reaches into his pocket and comes up with EXACTLY the correct amount.

Now extremely curious, the bartender asks how he managed to always have exactly the right amount for the drinks in his pocket without counting it out and what was with the ostrich.

The guy responded that one day while walking along the beach he found a battered up lamp half burried in the sand. When he rubbed it to remove the encrusted sand out popped a Genie who gave him TWO wishes. (Cheap Genie cause they usually give 3). So my first wish was that no matter what I ever wanted to buy I'd reach into my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there. "Cool! What was your second wish?" asked the bartender

I wished for a tall chick with long slender legs and a big ass who agreed with everything I said.

wjwoodward wrote:

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich, sits at the bar and orders a Scotch on the rocks. The ostrich says, "Same for me too". The bartender pours the drinks and says, "That will be $15 all together". The guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out EXACTLY $15.

Next day the situation repeats itself, this time he orders a Vodka Martini, and again the ostrich says, "I'll have one too if you don't mind." "That's $12.50", says the bartender. Again the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out EXACTLY the correct amount.

The third day same old story, but he orders a Whisky Sour. You guessed it... the ostrich says, "Ditto!" "That'll be $12", says the barman. Once again the guy reaches into his pocket and comes up with EXACTLY the correct amount.

Now extremely curious, the bartender asks how he managed to always have exactly the right amount for the drinks in his pocket without counting it out and what was with the ostrich.

The guy responded that one day while walking along the beach he found a battered up lamp half burried in the sand. When he rubbed it to remove the encrusted sand out popped a Genie who gave him TWO wishes. (Cheap Genie cause they usually give 3). So my first wish was that no matter what I ever wanted to buy I'd reach into my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there. "Cool! What was your second wish?" asked the bartender

I wished for a tall chick with long slender legs and a big ass who agreed with everything I said.

lol hahaha that I understood......

A cowdoy arrives at a new town on Friday, he stays on Friday and then leaves on friday.....
Work out the answer.

His nag is called, Friday.

Nice to see you back, Haggis.

What about the rest fred

haggishunter wrote:

A cowdoy arrives at a new town on Friday, he stays on Friday and then leaves on friday.....
Work out the answer.

A cowdoy arrives at a new town on Friday (his horse), he stays on Friday (his horse) and then leaves on friday (his horse).


I'm really uncool and boring so don't know any jokes so I'll let a master tell one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2Qj2Rxxujw

He arrives at midnight, leaves at midnight

haggishunter wrote:

He arrives at midnight, leaves at midnight

Did he come at all?

Man watching a running race where in ten contestants are running....
He asked his friend, Who's gonna get a prize?
his friend replies... the one who will be foremost.
The man kept wondering... then why others are running?

A woman left a note for her husband saying we will only have sex on days beginning with "t" Tuesday's and Thursday. Husband replies ok Tuesday's, Thursdays, today, tomorrow....

Missing WIFE.....
Husband: My wife is missing since yesterday.

Person: Excuse me! This is post office not police station..

Husband: Oh sorry!! I am so happy that I don't know where to go !!

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.  The first one orders a beer.  The second one orders half a beer.  The third one orders a quarter of a beer.  The bartender says, "You're all idiots" and pours two beers.

A police officer stops a suspected drunk driver and asks him...  officer; excuse me sir have u got drugs, alcohol and any weapons?    Drunk driver; yes thanx officer I 've got everything.

chikky3 wrote:

A police officer stops a suspected drunk driver and asks him...  officer; excuse me sir have u got drugs, alcohol and any weapons?    Drunk driver; yes thanx officer I 've got everything.

That actually makes sense.  I think we finally have a joke that didn't get lost in translation.

Vacum cleaner to its owner;
Dear Owner, When you said that I suck, did you mean it in a good way or a bad way? Sincerely, your vacuum

What do accounants do when ther constipated ?

haggishunter wrote:

What do accounants do when ther constipated ?

Work it out with a pencil?

MO2013 wrote:

haggishunter wrote:

He arrives at midnight, leaves at midnight

Did he come at all?

No, he didn't have time and there were no really nice ladies there.

Fred you been watching the vicor of Dibley 'handsom stranger'episode

Fred you been watching the vicor of Dibley 'handsom stranger'episode

Quite a funny episode this was..

haggishunter wrote:

Fred you been watching the vicor of Dibley 'handsom stranger'episode

Come again?

No, but I've bookmarked it and will when I get a moment.

Fred
The accountant joke is on the episode at the end

Two cannibals are sitting around eating a clown. The first turns to the second and asks, “Does this food taste funny to you?!”

haggishunter wrote:

Fred
The accountant joke is on the episode at the end

Did he dibly the vicar?

Well she did get married to him. It was the very last episode ever.
So yes i thenk he did

I can't believe it's 2013 and there's still no fold button on my dryer.

Did you fart because you blew me away.

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

There are only 10 types of people in this world - those who understand binary and those who don't.

1000 year old jokes:
MUCH of the blogs and reviews of SE Asia are prejudiced by cultural bias. No it is not Cleveland but further west, so far west that it is the far east. After six months it will all seem normal. The disorder becomes a new kind of order, difference becomes the new normal. What is misunderstood becomes understandable. A little cultural anthropology in the field. Americans and Australians are more provincial than Europeans because they are all over the blasted continent. Not much difference between regions and cultures in the great melting pot – a pot that contains too many ingredients becomes a mush as too many colors become muddy brown lacking high points and sophistication.
You have a bunch of tourist who don't know much – as the British foreign service has long time residents, the Americans have tourist who just begin to understand when they are transferred, as are generals in command of the wars. Don't believe much of what you read from tourist.

The St. Thomas USVI joke. There was a West Indian who suddenly died. When she met St. Peter she was told that her record was incomplete so she would be given a chance to visit heaven and hell so she could decide for herself where to spend eternity. She when to heaven and it was a boring! Just a bunch of angles sitting around praising god and singing hymns, not up beat at all.

Then she visited hell and it was just like the West Indies, beach party with steel band, rum, sex, dirty dancing and rag gay. So she choose hell. BUT when she returned it was hell, fire and brimstone (what ever that is)
She complained to St. Peter who told her that last time she was a tourist.

"The Nasruddin stories, known throughout the Middle East, constitute one of the strangest achievements in the history of metaphysics. Superficially, most of the Nasruddin stories may be used as jokes. They are told and retold endlessly in the teahouses and caravanserais, in the homes and on the radio waves, of Asia. But it is inherent in the Nasruddin story that it may be understood at any of many depths. There is the joke, the moral- and the little extra which brings the consciousness of the potential mystic a little further on the way to realization." - The Sufis, Idries

http://www.mysticsaint.info/search/label/humor

The story of the blind men and an elephant originated in the Indian subcontinent from where it has widely diffused. It has been used to illustrate a range of truths and fallacies. At various times it has provided insight into the relativism, opaqueness or inexpressible nature of truth, the behaviour of experts in fields where there is a deficit or inaccessibility of information, the need for communication, and respect for different perspectives.

Fred and Barney are having a few drinks in the neighborhood bar, and Fred decides it’s time to go home. He says good-night and stumbles out the door towards the parking lot.

Half an hour later, Barney also calls it quits and heads out the door. He’s surprised to find Fred still out there on the sidewalk, searching the ground under the streetlamp directly in front of the bar’s entrance.

“What are you doing?” Barney asks.

“I dropped my car keys! I’ve been looking and looking, but I can’t find them!” moans Fred.

Barney helps Fred scour every square inch of the ground in front of the bar, but the keys are definitely not there.

“Are you sure you dropped them here, Fred?”

“Here?” replies Fred. “Why, no. I’m pretty sure I dropped them back there.” Fred points towards the dark parking lot.

“Then why are we searching here, under the streetlamp!?!” exclaims Barney.

“Because here the light’s so much better!” Fred explains.

Don't believe much of what you read from tourist.

"I can see in the dark," boasted Hodja one day while sitting in a tea shop."

"If that's true," said his friends, "why do we sometimes see you carrying a light at night?"

"Well," he replied, "I only use that lamp to prevent other people from bumping into me."
***
One day a friend asked Hodja for a loan, saying that he would repay him the following week. Hodja didn't believe him but gave him the money anyway. Much to his surprise, the man kept his word and repaid him.

A few months later the same man wanted another loan from Hodja, and he said to him, "You know my credit is good. Last time, I repaid you promptly."

"You're not going to get the money this time,"said Hodja. "You deceived me last time by repaying me when I thought that you wouldn't. I am not going to let you fool me again."
***
Hodja wanted to learn how to play the lute. So he approached a music teacher and asked him, "How much do you charge for private lute lessons?"

"Three silver pieces for the first month; then after that, one silver piece a month."

"Oh, that's very fair, " exclaimed Hodja. "I'll start with the second month".
***

One day a poor hungry man was passing through the streets with only a piece of bread in his hand. As he passed by a restaurant, he saw some delicious-looking meatballs frying in a pan. He waved his bread over the pan for a few seconds, and then he ate it. The restaurant owner had seen what he did and grabbed him by the neck and dragged him before the judge, who happened to be Hodja.

The restaurant owner demanded that this poor peasant pay for the price of the meatballs.
Hodja listened carefully and then took two coins from his pocket and told him, "Come and stand by me a minute." The restaurant owner obeyed, and Hodja shook his fist so that the coins made a rattling sound in the man's ear.

"What are you doing this for?" he asked

Hodja replied, "I have just paid you for the meatballs. Surely the sound of money if fair payment for the smell of food."

***
One day a friend visited Hodja and said, "Hodja, I want to borrow your donkey."
"I'm sorry, " replied Hodja, "but, I've already lent it out to someone else."
As soon as he said this, the donkey brayed.

"But Hodja,I can hear the donkey! It's in the stable."

Shutting the door in this friend's face, Hodja told him with dignity, "A man who believes the word of a donkey above my own doesn't deserve to be lent anything!"

***
One day Hodja was heartbroken over the loss of his dear wife. All his neighbors and friends tried to encourage and comfort him by saying, "don't worry about her, Hodja we'll help you to find and even better one."

A short while later his donkey died as well. Hodja seemed to mourn the donkey even more than he had his wife.

Some of his friends noticed this and approached him concerning this matter, and he replied, "When my wife passed away, all my friends promised me that they would find an even better one for me, but so far no one has offered to replace my donkey."
***
For some reason the people of Aksehir became very angry with Hodja and wanted to expel him from the town. They complained to the magistrate so that he was forced to summon Hodja. He said to him, "Hodja, the people of this town don't like you. They all want you to move."
"It is I who don't like the people here," replied Hodja. "As far as I'm concerned, they can all leave."
"But they are many and you are one," said the magistrate.
"Well, because they are many it is even easier for them. They can all work together and build a village wherever they decide to go. But how can I, all alone and at my age, build a new home and cultivate a field in the country?"