To marry or not to marry? that's the question

I used to think being single is great, u dont have to worry about anything. But one day, after working, u go home and then, there is only you and 4 walls. It's kinda lonesome . At that moment, u really need a girl to be with you, take care of you and share anything with you, so dont hesitate to get married. Love is amazing...
Alice

Hello Everyone !
                I am new to this forum, but couldnt help but want to respond to some of the things Ive read. Loner is trying to decide whether or not to get married?? And my answer to that is, you need to do what your heart tells you is the right thing.
I have been married for almost 24 yrs and I am seriously thinking of ending it. I know in my heart, I married for the wrong reasons. I believed that no one would want to be with me and that I would be alone forever,especially after watching all my friends around me getting married. Around 11 yrs of marriage, I found out that he was talking to other woman, of course about sex. I listened to other people and forgave him. Instead of leaving him, I stayed to work things out. Now almost 13 yrs later, I have found him doing the same thing again.I cant regret the life I chose with him, I have three beautiful children, but I wish I hadnt listened to what others told me and just listened to my heart....no one can tell you what is right for you.I wish I wouldve have learned that so..very long ago, because if i had, I probably would have a wonderful life with the man i believe is my true soulmate and who I have loved since I was 14. Now I am 46 and can only pray that one day i will get to be with my true love.

It is your perception. Marriage life has it stress but it also bring you something which you can never have when single. BUT every relationship is different. It is more of the commitment rather than the status. Hope you will find happiness.

Married is a wonderful destiny

I am about to getting married and it's for me something I wouldn't have to chose whether to do or not, it's a duty as a human and to live in society .... Could society be what it is (structured families...) if marriage didn't exist ?
But before marrying you need to chose the right person and to marry her /him for the right reason which is for me the "love", my fiancé loves me and I love him as well, we can't imagine ourselves living now without each other and even if its hard for us to get married as we are foreigners but we will go throw all steps untill making it.
Marry and have child  yes, die alone no

The decision whether or not to marry is NOT something to be taken lightly, unfortunately that is most often what ends up happening.

Often it's very difficult to know and understand our prospective partners - simply because we don't know and understand OURSELVES. People often neglect to really examine exactly what they expect to get out of a relationship or don't even have realistic expectations. We all tend to have a "wish list", the things that we want to find in our prospective mate. The problem is that many times we aren't even being honest with ourselves about the qualities we put on that list. For example, how many people do you know who've said "I want a husband/wife who's romantic, who respects me, who's faithful, who listens to my feelings and expresses their, etc., etc., etc." Then when somebody comes knocking on their door that fits their wish list to the very last little point, and there they are on the other side of the door, holding it shut and shouting with all their might, "don't come in". Simply somebody who didn't know what they wanted in the first place or just doesn't know how to trust anybody, not even themselves.

Other people over or underestimate what marriage really is. Some think that it will be their total salvation from a life of loneliness. Extremely needy people who have convinced themselves they can't live without somebody else to make them happy. Ironically these people most often end up unhappy in a relationship because they don't understand that nobody can live up to such a demanding task. Our partner IS NOT responsible for our complete happiness. These people most often have no sense of themselves in the first place, they have no self image or self-esteem. SORRY TO TELL YOU FOLKS, BUT YOU CAN'T LOVE SOMEBODY ELSE IF YOU DON'T LOVE YOURSELF FIRST.

Still others avoid relationships because they think that they will take away all of their freedom, they look at marriage like a death sentence; which of course it is not. Do we lose our freedom? Yes, to some degree we do, but in other aspects marriage can give us much more freedom in other areas too. We may have to account to our partner, make compromises and consider our partner's needs before our own; but on the other hand we have somebody to share our problems, somebody who often takes care of us and does things that free us to do things we otherwise wouldn't have the time or incentive to do.

Some people simply don't have any clear understanding of what love really is in the first place. Most confuse it with passion or chemistry, if you will. While most relations start out with that spark, electricity, attraction or whatever you want to call it that only lasts for a short while. While it does we really need to build onto it and construct a lasting feeling that which we call love and that's hard work for both parties. When one or the other doesn't understand that tiny little detail and doesn't take part in the building process, when the physical attraction wears off the relationship comes to a screaching halt because the love that should be there just wasn't ever built.

Since time began poets have linked the heart with love. Well folks, I'm here to tell you that's rubbish. It's just a pump that sends blood through your body. You need to use your brain, because that's the true seat of love and all of our other emotions. You've got to really think first and then decide if you should or shouldn't marry.

So to boil it down to its simplest components:

You have to know yourself and your needs, you have to know your partner and their needs. You have to love and respect yourself first and then you can love and respect your partner too. You also have to have realistic expectations while not taking on unrealistic expectations that your future mate may place on you.

Having all of that, you're also going to need a good dose of LUCK, because love, more than anything else in life never comes with a FACTORY WARANTEE.

  Cheers, 
  William James Woodward – Brazil Animator, Expat-blog Team

But what happens if you do and find problems and do not want to admit them.,

Getting married is something that you should be doing willingly... Age or nationality is not a factor of getting married.. what I'm saying is there is always the right time and the right person for you.. you just have to wait and off course you also have to look for you to be able to see it.. 

People aren't you being naive by thinking that every single person in this planet is meant to be in a relationship? I am sure that in a world of allegedly 7 billion there is a group of people: man or woman that chooses to remain single and live an alternative way of life.

Yes, they are called hermits and (righfully) seen as strange by the rest of the society!

[Moderated: Expat.com is NOT a dating website]

I advise that you do so fast but also be careful in chooosing.Getting married to a friend is ideal!

I am on my 30 now.. but with those frustrating things in the relationships, i don't think i need to hurry or best to say, i don't think marriage is still in my mind this time. But if someone will come and prove me that life is better to have someone to share with, why not?

David1946 wrote:

I was married for 38 years of my life and my wife passed away a few years ago and i have decided i want to spend the rest of my life single. 

                                  David1946

so sorry to hear that

When the real love comes thas is simply, i was spending my time  traveling, making friends, flirting, in my own country i was not happy in love, but when i met my husband my life changed complety, in past i was thinking to have much fun at all time but when he appeared in my life i fall in love, i left my own life, family, friends, culture here i am not anyone, i due to start again but i am happy my heart is complety the piece of my puzzle is complete know, i just trying to say will be the moment when your heart is ok for let any one enter in your own life just dont feel afraid.

As far as my view is concerned, one should get married..There are ups and downs in every relationship. But that doesnt mean that we should run away from them. Be more matured, learn to adjust with your life partner. both have to keep their ego aside and try to make the other person happy. Then you will realise that what you have been missing and how wonderful your life is.

HaileyinHongKong wrote:

There is a very easy solution for people who don't want to get married - don't get married.

That's right. We should do what we want to do. That's all.

narz4u wrote:

I am on my 30 now.. but with those frustrating things in the relationships, i don't think i need to hurry or best to say, i don't think marriage is still in my mind this time. But if someone will come and prove me that life is better to have someone to share with, why not?

That's great. You'll get married to someone who can make you happy.
Don't be a wife of someone who troubles you.

This question is very exciting. I am waiting for refering some opinion from other people.....

listen to your heart. Personally I am for marriage because it gives me good feelings, security and sense of belonging

my next destination is...marriage!!

you have same problem with me but...i decide will marry if i find a good man,i will never give up to find my soul mate one day.

Actually he's the lucky one. But i do think everyone should experienc4e love at least once in their life. My moving overseas is not to have any relationship with anyone, except friends only,and I will be upfront with that.
Just having friends, without benifits is fine with me, besides why ruin a good friendship.And the way marriages are going today, What 2 years is all they last.Why put yourself theu all of that. Good Luck.Mark

It's true that everyone that gets married thinks that he/she is the one until the divorce,According to sources the divorce rate skyrocketed.Nowadays Marriage has been demeaned by the Media & feminism. What are the chances that your marriage won't be "poisoned" by them?
____________________________________________
TV shows that demean marriage & Relationship values:

How I met your mother
Temptation Island
three and a half men
Everybody hates Chris
Joe Millionaire
Flavor of Love TV series
Real Chance of Love 1 & 2
Jersey shore
The Hills
...you want more?

I must say the opinion that feminism - i.e. the idea that women are worth just as much as men - demeans or "poisons" marriage strikes me as extremely odd. Maybe here's the reason why you're a loner!

To marry or not to marry? that's the question

When you meet someone that you have been searching for in your entire life, then you should get married.

DWSA wrote:

To marry or not to marry? that's the question

When you meet someone that you have been searching for in your entire life, then you should get married.

Believe me I've been meeting people everyday, Once I approached a woman, but the whole thing felt like she was doing me a favor for talking to me and not to mention the phone number part. Another thing is that they never approached me, so I take that as a sign that it's just no meant to be. I'm just about to give up on them.
The purpose of this thread is for me to get different standpoints.

croatiancorner wrote:

listen to your heart. Personally I am for marriage because it gives me good feelings, security and sense of belonging

I only hear my heartbeats, I think that there's no solid foundation that backs up the opinion that to be happy we have to be in a relationship, there are many unhappy couples out there and stressful marriages beyond repair.

HaileyinHongKong wrote:

If a TV show can hurt your relationship, it wasn't very strong to begin with.

Where on this forum did I mention that I'm in a relationship or that it can hurt one? Try to read clearly and think before rushing to blurt out thoughtless remarks.

The Loner wrote:

DWSA wrote:

To marry or not to marry? that's the question

When you meet someone that you have been searching for in your entire life, then you should get married.

Believe me I've been meeting people everyday, Once I approached a woman, but the whole thing felt like she was doing me a favor for talking to me and not to mention the phone number part. Another thing is that they never approached me, so I take that as a sign that it's just no meant to be. I'm just about to give up on them.
The purpose of this thread is for me to get different standpoints.

Dude this is devastating, you need to stop to be negative. Life is short, do what makes you happy and forget what makes you sad.

Ice cream is a better comfort food than potato chips

Corn chips and vanilla ice cream is great.
So is lemon and pepper seasoning sprinkled on strawberries

What taste buds....???

HaileyinHongKong wrote:

What does sexual desire have to do with marriage?

At least she got something right.
Link to this:

Hericles wrote:

i don't know if that's ironic but it is believed that wives refuse to have s3x with their own husbands most of the times...

So yes, if you think you'll get sex in your marriages as often as you want you'll be disappointed, especially if the wife has an affair.Big problem.

Loner
Your post is full of generalizations regarding marriage.
You are assuming that you are marrying for sex.
You are assuming that the wife will have an affair.

Whilst your remarks may apply to a very very small percentage of marriages, most marriages are far from how your perceive them to be.

stumpy wrote:

Loner
Your post is full of generalizations regarding marriage.
You are assuming that you are marrying for sex.
You are assuming that the wife will have an affair.

Whilst your remarks may apply to a very very small percentage of marriages, most marriages are far from how your perceive them to be.

Since obviously you are older and more experienced than me I'd expect you to agree with me. You better than me, have seen how things have changed along the generations. I don't need to quote how superficial women are nowadays and how is it so common that most marriages end up in divorce. I've read many forums about dysfunctional marriages,love not corresponded or mutual..etc. That's the basis of my views.

The Loner wrote:

...I've never had a female friend, let alone a girlfriend,
And i know nothing about them but I've been observing closer friends and men who are either engaged or have girlfriend and it seems like that i'm happier, wealthier, fitter and less stressed than them ! I came to the realization that i don't want the burdensome weights of a relationship i don't have time for this triviality my life is short.

For someone who in their initial posting openly admits to knowing nothing about women you seem to make a lot of sweeping and stereotypical generalizations about women.

I really think that the username that you've chosen also speaks volumes about your personality and clearly indicates that you are one of those people who simply should not marry. Not because marriage is not good, but rather that you simply have no concept of what marriage really is all about. Clearly not everybody should marry (not ever), but the unfortunate fact is that often they do and this is part of the reason for the high rate of divorce nowadays.

Women are not one bit more marterialistic than men are, not by any means. That said, our society has designated a role to them, an image if you will, what a married woman is or should be. If traditionally we men expect them to stay home, look after us and our children, that expectation has a cost. That doesn't make them materialistic, it just signifies that their WORK in doing what we expect has a monetary value. Far too many men expect a woman to do all of the above, yet also go out and work to support themselves and the family, while they themselves feel no obligation to support the woman who is taking care of THEM.

You look at marriage as a "burden" (your own words) which is not at all true. The only thing that really changes when one marries is that they take on some responsibility and accountability, but two individuals, with their own rights and freedoms still exist. The trick is to find a happy balance for that.

You may be happier, wealthier, fitter and less stressed now as a single person, but have you looked 30 or 40 years down the road? Do you really think that when you're no longer so fit and have to start paying for someone to take care of you (because you haven't a wife to help do that) you're still going to be as wealthy and less stressed than you are right now? Do you think that you will still be happier than all your friends who have long since been married? I certainly don't.

Getting married is certainly not like buying a car. We don't go out and look for the most beautiful and luxurious one we can find, safe in the knowledge that it comes with a guarantee and if something goes wrong with it we take it back and get it fixed with no extra charge. Nothing in life comes with guarantees. Marriage takes work, lots of it; but it is worth all the effort.

I think that one of the main problems with marriage nowadays is that young people are too into themselves, to self centered and think only of THEIR own personal needs, with little concern for the needs, wishes and ideas of others... so they marry and the conflict begins.

Cheers,
William James Woodward - Brazil & Canada Expert, Expat-blog Team

I think it is really better you don't marry and stay single all your life - because no woman deserved to be punished with a husband like you!

wjwoodward wrote:

.For someone who in their initial posting openly admits to knowing nothing about women you seem to make a lot of sweeping and stereotypical generalizations about women.

Mr WoodwardI'm aware that you've gone through a bitter divorce from a bad kind of woman who according to you, was interested in you when you were wealthy. And yet you haven't lost faith  in "true love" and remarried. But my views of women isn't something that I've just came up with, I went through real life situations and also observed the world around me that's how I developed this standpoint. Yes I'm a loner who I got sick and tired how the opposite sex tend to judge & reject too quickly based on culture background, race, financial status etc, I quit  approaching them. If you imply that there's someone out there then why I haven't met her yet? And why don't they approach me either? I think I'll travel around the world I'll live an adventure like most other single bloggers I've read about. Mr WoodwardI'm aware that you've gone through a bitter divorce from a bad kind of woman who according to you, was interested in you when you were wealthy. And yet you haven't lost faith  in "true love" and remarried. But my views of women isn't something that I've just came up with, I went through real life situations and also observed the world around me that's how I developed this standpoint. Yes I'm a loner who I got sick and tired how the opposite sex tend to judge & reject too quickly based on culture background, race, financial status etc, I quit  approaching them. If you imply that there's someone out there then why I haven't met her yet? And why don't they approach me either? I think I'll travel around the world I'll live an adventure like most other single bloggers I've read about.

And it's exactly for this reason that YOU shouldn't get married. That is not to say that it isn't going to have a price to pay in later life. Do you think MEN are any less judgemental????? I certainly don't think so.