Getting married, but have doubts...

fredgo · 2014-07-28T23:39:45+02:00

Hi all, I am new to this site, so bear with me. To the point, I have finally met a woman in Viet Nam that I love truly. In fact, I just spent 3 months with her in Nam Dinh and at the end I asked her to marry me. She is divorced and 2 children from the husband and one from a man in the UK (he is Vietnamese). That said, I have some problems to cope with that maybe some can help me with about Viet Nam women. First, when we initially started chatting back in December, it was crazy. I almost felt like I could not keep up with chatting with her. Then, in January, on a business trip, we met for the first time. She flew down to Saigon to be with me. Well, I didn't make a great impression. I was 222 lbs. at 5'-9", the hotel I chose was from my shipping agency choice as it was convenient for traveling to my factory, I told her when I picked her up that I was on a budget (should not have done that), I wore football jersey's a lot (I am an FSU alum and we just won the NC and also been a Seahawks fan since 1982). I wasn't really thinking. Anyway, we were together for 4 days and then she went back home. After she left, a couple of days later, we are chatting, and I start getting a different impression. By the way, she is drop dead gorgeous for Vietnamese standards and US. Really. The above things came up in our chats on Viber. I told her I was sorry and explained why. Over time, she understands. But, a couple more days later, she sends me a message that her sister wanted her to marry an American man that my fiance had met. She was tired, confused and a lot of stress as she put it. I tried to understand, but, it's difficult when you think you are going right and why she would say such a thing. Why even consider another? I always try to stay awake as long as I can when I am heading home. Helps me sleep on the flight back. Well, a short time later, the night I was leaving for the US, I did another stupid thing. For the first time in my life, I was jealous. I looked at her facebook and on it, she had put pictures of her when we were together, but they didn't include me. Some foreign guys posted on it that she was beautiful and other odd compliments. I've always had the impression she is a depressive person because of her life story, so, maybe she posts pictures on facebook to get the compliments. Anyway, I commented on one of the pictures of how great it was we were together. I did it solely to make sure others knew she was with me. Now, I have to tell you, I hate jealousy. It never works out and if you're jealous, best to depart. Anyway, I wasn't thinking so clearly when I did it. I finally got to sleep, and woke up 2 hours later to an angry message from her on my texts. I did not think this through. I just thought of the guys and not her sister, mom, etc. Well, she blocked me right away. Said you can't do that in Vietnam. Not the same as US. Her family knew she went to Saigon, and after my message, I guess she had to explain that. Again, stupidity on my part and why I think jealousy is always bad. I called her and apologized, but didn't say why I did it. Just that I was tired, and wasn't thinking clearly. So, I go back to the US. And I'm miserable. She starts going through Tet festivities with family, and for the first time, I actually wished I was there for Tet. I've been invited before, but always declined friends as thinking it was all family, and I'd be bored. But, this time, I truly wished I was there and partaking in family events. For through the rest of January to February, I was pretty miserable to say the least. It was the first time I had a girlfriend that I felt all of these emotions and not know what to do. She is a good and kind person. During Tet, she would help others. She had an aunt (disreputable in her family eyes) that was having a baby from "outside" the marriage. Her mom and others would not take her in, but she did in her little tiny apartment. This was during Tet. Her aunt delivered and she was the only one to go to the hospital at 01:00 in the morning and help. She even helped with the bill. A few days later, her brother's wife was sick, so she went again, in the wee hours of the morning and took care of her. And there are other things she does. It may because she feels wrong because she has 3 kids and not married, so, she helps family because of this. Then, I received a shipment one day in February. While unloading it and sorting the orders out, we are texting on Viber. She starts to tell me that she doesn't think I can make her life better. Well, that really sucked. I won't go into details here about that, because only thing that matters to my eventual question here is that she said it. And has said it a few times since. We kept chatting since then, and she finally unblocked me from facebook. Really, I am crazy because I did not use facebook except for business until her. I would check her out on there often. In February, we chatted more. She told me how she had suitors last year and before, but she didn't like them or love them. Including the American her sister wanted. She told me bits and pieces about her husband and the UK guy, but not much. In March, I decided I would go back to Vietnam on business, but this time, I would spend months there. This time with the intent to show her she had the wrong impression. So, from January to beginning of March, I lost 40 plus pounds. She told me that she was happy about this (in her anger in January, she told me once she didn't want to see me unless I was a lot lighter, A LOT lighter). Later, she said she wasn't serious but happy I lost the weight. She would tell me not to lose it so quickly. But, I wanted so much to show her the real me. I had just let myself go the past couple of years. So, I flew to Ha Noi, and took a taxi to Nam Dinh and was pleasantly surprised that she had the driver take me to her home. That was big, because all she talked about was that I would not meet her family or friends, so, I fully expected to be directed to a hotel. When I met her at her home that first day, she also invited friends over and we had lunch. It was great. She would tell me if I was tired, I could sleep on her bed, but I declined because I felt fine. But the next day, always is, was hard, and when I was there, I did fall asleep on her bed. She lives in a one bedroom style apartment (not like the US). When I woke up, she was sitting at the edge of the bed and seemed sad. I asked her what happened, and she told me her neighbors saw me and they were talking. I apologized and understood. As she took me back to my hotel, she started talking about how I could not make her life better. Only now, in present times, I realize this is more about her escaping her current life. Likely, as beautiful as she is, she had a plan for her life. Her husband got hooked on gambling, and took out all of their money and family money (his). She said at one point, he even went to prison for 3 years. I know Vietnam, and this is very difficult for a woman because she has 2 children. After he got out of prison, he ended up getting into more trouble, and sold the last things they had. I can imagine that the "bad guys" came to her for his debts too. So, she divorced him. And now lives in a small apartment and poor. Not the life she probably imagined for herself and I can fully empathize with her situation. No money, poor, work is bad (she is in the metal industry and family traded in metal). Her father passed away 2 years ago, and they couldn't run the business. They borrowed money from the bank, but for whatever reason, they lost it all. I know she works in this industry from many pictures from her and facetime while she was working last December. Then, there is this second guy that I only know he is from the UK, and she got pregnant. This has always bothered me because I know Vietnam culture and I know that if you have unprotected sex, you will get pregnant. The fact she is older, had 2 already and was single and still did this, well, it bothers me to this day. She only tells me that he wanted to marry her, but he was "irresponsible" and didn't want him. He has offered to marry her, still loves her. she told me in the months before I proposed to her that he was married. So, I had hoped that what happened was he was a liar and was married. But, in the last month, she told me he had a girlfriend and child in the UK and would leave them to be with her. So, I really don't know the real story. Married or girlfriend? I only know that I have met this now 3 year old girl, and I love her dearly as my own daughter. She's funny, cute and a handful. So, that's the background about her. She really is a nice lady, but I think she made choices that have not worked out. And the reason she doesn't talk about the UK guy is probably more out of embarrassment. I've heard people in the south tell me that women in the north are like that. Prideful. Willing to have a baby to get a man. So, again, I just don't know, but in the end, I have to choose. And since I do love her, and her daughter, either I accept and marry or I don't. Obviously, I chose the first. Anyway, I was there for a week the first visit, and in that time, she invited me to her family Gio for her grandfather that passed away just after Tet this year. I learned that was a huge deal because I would be meeting her family. I met more of her friends and all of her direct family at home. Her mom is an awesome cook and cooks for the family on all events. Her brother had a birthday party for her son the first week, and I got to go. Wow, this is getting long. So, let me try to wrap this up. I just want to get good advice, and think telling more detail will get that for me. I ended up spending 3 months in Vietnam and visiting her 5 times before coming home. During that time, I started supporting her. Because I wanted this to be my family. I didn't do it for any other reason than this is a responsibility, and in Vietnam, it's what you do. So, I started giving money and bought things for them like a washing machine, air conditioner, household things and more. I would help her out and watch the little one without her. To give her a break. She is a single mom, and it is the toughest job in the world and in Vietnam, it is even harder. Neighbors did talk. But, always, when she needed things, she would not just come out and ask. Maybe for pride's sake as she is EXTREMELY conservative and proud despite the UK choice. The husband, I can accept fully. So, on my last trip there before going to the US, I asked her, "Em biet anh yeu con gai cua em? Em biet anh yeu em nhieu lam? Em, cuoi anh nhe?" Well, first she laughed because she's always said she is NOT romantic and really, she it not at all. She has her way. I told her to please answer me and not laugh. She said yes. For sure. Oh, on about my 4th trip to visit her from saigon, she blocked me again from facebook. I had posted a picture of us together on my facebook and to select friends. I do not know or pretend to know so much about posting photos and it links everyone. Anyway, she immediately blocked me and asked I not post that picture on facebook. So, to my real question here. I am still blocked, and when I ask about it, she says she doesn't chat with foreigners or men. I told her that for marrying and coming to the US, things like that are great for proof to the US government. We have to keep a history and more pictures of us together, plane tickets, etc. But she still blocks me. She has a friend here who is helping me with the marriage process to come to the US. Last week, a good friend of mine, decided to look up her facebook. Keep in mind, she told me, and her friend here more than a week ago now that she stopped on facebook. My friend shows me she did not stop. In fact, there are videos she made of my little princes dancing late at night. The heading on the post is, " I love her so much!" Well, I see a foreigner that "Liked" the video. He also commented, "Me too". She "Liked" his comment. In my view, you just don't tell a woman that you love her children unless you love her and the children. I would never tell a woman that unless it is a long relationship, friendship. The worse part is that this is not on her timeline. And there are others like this from this same guy. I don't know what to make of this. Of course, she is not great with english and only liked his comment because it was nice. But, I don't think she understands that "Me too" is the same as saying he loved MY daughter. No, I do not know this man. I don't know if this is the man that she met and her sister wants her to marry. She said the man already asked her to marry him, but she declined. I did see other posts that my friend showed me. In past timeline posts. In there, I find that his daughter "likes" posts on my fiance's facebook, which obviously means shes on her friends list. I see she "likes" a couple things on his facebook. The recent one (not the video that was on July 12th after she supposedly stopped facebook), is on June 14th. That's the day she and my daughter sent me off to the US. I am new to jealousy. Really. I don't know what to make of this. I hate that everyone in the world can see her on facebook (which means she has messanger too and we used to chat there also). I don't want to confront her lest I look like some crazed jealous man. That could be alarming. I don't want to control her. She's the one that volunteered to stop facebook (by the way, that's how she puts it). This is combined with that she doesn't like to chat as she says. I have since found out that she uses skype, Tango and who knows what else. So, this jealousy is driving me crazy with more doubt. Please keep in mind, that I am sure she will marry me. She is just waiting on me and forms. If I could fly over there and marry her today, she would. But, how do I handle this? There's more information, but I can see I wrote a lot already. But, this is the crux of my question. Do I do as some tell me and stop chatting with her? Remember that in the beginning, we chatted so much that I was worried I could keep up. Told her myself. But, now, are chats are brief. She always says she doesn't like to chat though in December she said she loved it with me. She tells me she is "sorry, I not keep my phone". But, when I was there, she always had it with her except at home when it was charging. But, I will send her a message and almost 24 hours will go by. How can she not check? And if I'm her fiance, and she knows the time I try to contact her, why she wouldn't check? It's an iphone, so, I know she gets the messages on Viber or from sms, because both show delivered. She'll tell me the internet is slow, and it is; I was there. But, when it shows delivered, it's on her phone. It will show me when she actually reads the message as "Seen" on Viber. So, I have yet to challenge her about it. So, that's not true either. So, combined with the facebook thing that she doesn't think I see yet, and the few chats, what's up? Am I just worked up with jealousy? Or is there truth to my feelings of doubt? How do I cope with this? How do I ignore her for a few days as friends tell me to do? I am always available when she writes me. I'm older and I don't see the need for a "game". Hope to get real help here. I just don't know what to do. Thanks for advice in advance!

Last activity 07 August 2014 by Priscilla

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saigonmonkeySerial expat30 July 2014 06:57:10

#41

728

khanh44 wrote:
Rule number 11: If a Vietnamese women has an iPhone run!

I'm seeing more and more with Samsung Galaxy S4 or S5. iPhones aren't the status symbol they were just a year or two ago.

ParadiseCruiserActive member30 July 2014 08:05:35

#42

If you are not expected to pay for THAT new iPhone, why would you run? They will occupy the girl's attention instead.

WillyBaldySerial expat30 July 2014 12:55:38

#43

727

khanh44 wrote:
You left out the worst of the bunch; married old Viet Kieu's.

Yes I must admit I should have included this one. Oversea Vietnamese men and white Westerners often compete for the heart (and bed) of these poor defenceless Vietnamese women ;-)

DanFromSFSerial expat30 July 2014 14:20:40

#44

615

khanh44 wrote:
Rule number 11: If a Vietnamese women has an iPhone run!

Not necessarily. Sometimes those "iPhones" you see are 20-dollar knock-offs running skinned Android.

jimbreamSerial expat30 July 2014 16:47:00

#45

693

DanFromSF wrote:
khanh44 wrote:
Rule number 11: If a Vietnamese women has an iPhone run!

Not necessarily. Sometimes those "iPhones" you see are 20-dollar knock-offs running skinned Android.

Oh. So my Iphone isn't real???
Bummer..

DanFromSFSerial expat30 July 2014 16:59:19

#46

615

jimbream wrote:
Oh. So my Iphone isn't real???
Bummer..

LOL, that is awful. I saw a pretty good one that looked like the real deal. The dead giveaway was it said "iPhone 4S" on the back, and real iPhones only say "iPhone". Other than that, it was pretty convincing.

Ngan KhanhContributor30 July 2014 17:03:34

#47

159

Hi Frego!

Have you ever talked to her/ told her about your doubts? Why don't you ask her directly to see what were the reasons for all her "weird" behaviors instead of posting on a forum and then you don't seem satisfied with the "support" from strangers? Normally, something that is personal can only be solved by the people that involved!

One more thing, doubts come from human instinct, some kind of self-protection. I learned that one should never ignore their instincts and I would never get married to the men that I don't fully trust and happy to be with!

Take good care of yourself!
Cheers,

fredgoMember30 July 2014 18:08:23

#48

Can't. He's in the UK, and I don't have much info about him. going that far, I might as well quit.

fredgoMember30 July 2014 18:09:56

#49

Thanks to everyone's advice here and privately also. I will confront her about this in the next few days and see the reaction. Will also stop the money flow too to see what happens as has been suggested.

I am very grateful for the replies. I did not think I would get as much as I did. So, thanks to everyone that has replied! It's really appreciated!

DanFromSFSerial expat30 July 2014 18:13:51

#50

615

fredgo wrote:
I might as well quit.

FTFY

LiamVuGuest30 July 2014 22:15:14

#51

214245

Ngan Khanh wrote:
Hi Frego!

Have you ever talked to her/ told her about your doubts? Why don't you ask her directly to see what were the reasons for all her "weird" behaviors instead of posting on a forum and then you don't seem satisfied with the "support" from strangers? Normally, something that is personal can only be solved by the people that involved!

[moderated: not the original post].

Cheers,

Ngan KhanhContributor31 July 2014 03:07:17

#52

159

@LiamVu: what you "quoted" is not what I wrote! I don't know why you did that? Whats your purpose with the worst English I have ever seen?

Anyway, doesn't matter what was your purpose, GET LOST!

fredgoMember31 July 2014 03:31:46

#53

LiamVu wrote:
Ngan Khanh wrote:
Hi Frego!

Have you ever talked to her/ told her about your doubts? Why don't you ask her directly to see what were the reasons for all her "weird" behaviors instead of posting on a forum and then you don't seem satisfied with the "support" from strangers? Normally, something that is personal can only be solved by the people that involved!

[moderated: not the original post]

Cheers,

Sorry. Where have I said or wrote I am unsatisfied with responses. I am actually very happy because of the responses here. It's better than I could hope for. I'd say yours is the first one that though being tongue and cheek, it is not helpful at all. Thanks for your reply though. Hope you don't regret later in life.

Ngan KhanhContributor31 July 2014 03:34:40

#54

159

fredgo wrote:
LiamVu wrote:
Ngan Khanh wrote:
Hi Frego!

Have you ever talked to her/ told her about your doubts? Why don't you ask her directly to see what were the reasons for all her "weird" behaviors instead of posting on a forum and then you don't seem satisfied with the "support" from strangers? Normally, something that is personal can only be solved by the people that involved!

[moderated]

Cheers,

Sorry. Where have I said or wrote I am unsatisfied with responses. I am actually very happy because of the responses here. It's better than I could hope for. I'd say yours is the first one that though being tongue and cheek, it is not helpful at all. Thanks for your reply though. Hope you don't regret later in life.

Hi Fredgo,

Did you reply to my post or LiamVu's?

fredgoMember31 July 2014 03:35:05

#55

Ngan Khanh wrote:
@LiamVu: what you "quoted" is not what I wrote! I don't know why you did that? Whats your purpose with the worst English I have ever seen?

Anyway, doesn't matter what was your purpose, GET LOST!

Sorry. I just realized that the quote was "added" to. And not your original post. Sorry.

Adhome01Serial expat31 July 2014 03:39:31

#56

426

fredgo wrote:
LiamVu wrote:
Ngan Khanh wrote:
Hi Frego!

Have you ever talked to her/ told her about your doubts? Why don't you ask her directly to see what were the reasons for all her "weird" behaviors instead of posting on a forum and then you don't seem satisfied with the "support" from strangers? Normally, something that is personal can only be solved by the people that involved!

[moderated: not the original post]

Cheers,

Sorry. Where have I said or wrote I am unsatisfied with responses. I am actually very happy because of the responses here. It's better than I could hope for. I'd say yours is the first one that though being tongue and cheek, it is not helpful at all. Thanks for your reply though. Hope you don't regret later in life.

Don't worry about her Fred, she's the type of girl you need to avoid at "all costs" (pun intended).

Stay positive and keep your head up. There are plenty of good ones out there. No need to settle for something that isn't right.

fredgoMember31 July 2014 03:42:29

#57

Ngan Khanh wrote:
Hi Frego!

Have you ever talked to her/ told her about your doubts? Why don't you ask her directly to see what were the reasons for all her "weird" behaviors instead of posting on a forum and then you don't seem satisfied with the "support" from strangers? Normally, something that is personal can only be solved by the people that involved!

One more thing, doubts come from human instinct, some kind of self-protection. I learned that one should never ignore their instincts and I would never get married to the men that I don't fully trust and happy to be with!

Take good care of yourself!
Cheers,

Thanks. I will confront her after Friday. It's her birthday on Friday, so, don't want to put myself into that with what could be an argument or worse until afterward. I will know something probably this Sunday. Thanks for your answer! But, about the public forum, I am actually happy with the responses.

stumpyLaos Expert31 July 2014 03:54:03

#58

17945

Hope it all works out for the best for you.

LiamVuGuest31 July 2014 04:55:54

#59

214245

In most cases perhaps Ngan's opinion that such things are best left to a non- public formsat. However, I think the reason these issues gravitate to forums such as this is because of the cultural issues we are unsure of. This being a forum of foreigners living in a foreign land or with relationships with people in that country come here to learn if what we are experiencing is in the " norm" or....!
One only needs to look through many of the posts and this is quite common. Keep it up, we all learn.

fredgoMember31 July 2014 05:05:53

#60

Ngan Khanh wrote:
fredgo wrote:
LiamVu wrote:

Sorry. Where have I said or wrote I am unsatisfied with responses. I am actually very happy because of the responses here. It's better than I could hope for. I'd say yours is the first one that though being tongue and cheek, it is not helpful at all. Thanks for your reply though. Hope you don't regret later in life.

Hi Fredgo,

Did you reply to my post or LiamVu's?

Sorry. I see that LiamVu changed what you actually wrote. And now everyone thinks you wrote that. That was not a classy thing to do.

My first reply was to his false added text. My apologies. But my second reply was to you after I realized what happened. Sorry.

Hope others will see that too.

susu83Active member31 July 2014 16:04:38

#61

Hi Fredgo,

Well, where should I start now? Im very patient to read your long post. Haizzz, Im almost heart attack to read it. So, I do hope that you are patient enough to read my comment too. Like others here, I spend my time, my mind to leave you comment, please read it carefully and take it in somehow.

Please GET UP, please do NOT lie yourself anymore. You should accept the ugly truth that you are being taken for a ride. You have been used. Im sorry for that.

*** About you:
It seems that you are a nice, generous guy. You have a significant big pocket. You fall into her because of her beauty, her gorgeousYou feel sorry for her life, for the sad things she faced in the past. You want to take care her with all of your heart, all of your pocket.

*** About her:
She is a beautiful girl, a gold digger, a nice actress. She knows how to handle rich guys very well. I think she maybe an expert. Im not sure if she tells you the truth about her 1st husband. She divorced him because he was the bad guy or he ran away after discovery that she has a collection of rich guys. About other stories she told you, I dont believe in it at all. She use her 3 kids just to make you feel sorry for her so that she can get more support/ money from you guys. You said that she live in a business family and she does business too. If so, she should understand the value of money, should earn money herself, not easy to get money from you like that.

She is MBA = Married but available. She is available to everyone who is rich and generous. Thats it.

*** About your story:
It is not new. It happens daily out there. I have read many stories like this in Vietnam, Philippine, Thailand, Indonesia. Dont worry, you are not a special case.

*** About Vietnamese woman:
We nowadays are independent. We can work and spend our own money, help family, saving for future, go travel, help others... Of course, some Vietnamese woman will highly appreciate support from their boyfriends, husbands but it is not compulsory. Besides, theres more and more gold digger these days.

*** Why I say that you are cheated/ being take for a ride?
1/ She started talking about how I could not make her life better You see, she know how to dig you very well. Yes, you could help her life better by sending her money, buy her luxury things, take her to US and once she gets the PR, after she suck all of your money, she will kick you right away.

2/ She blocked you 2 times on facebook
2a/ When you comment on her FB that you were with her..: she angry and block you because she scared that her family, friends will know that she was with you. So funny! She is a 34 married woman with 3 kids of 2 different guys, not a naive virgin 15 years old girl, please. Oh I scare that my mommy and my daddy will scold me because I was with the man oh, I feel sick of that

2b/ Im too sick to remember why she block you 2nd time: I can assure that she doesnt want other guys know that she is in relationship with you. Why? she keeps contact with other guys to get money from them (at the same time with you)

3/ She has told me several times that when she comes here (mean US?), she really wants to work Why she cannot work in Vietnam, in her original country with her mother tongue language? She also has a good establishment from her business family as well. Why need to wait until she comes to US different country, different languageWhen she will do? In her next life, I think. She doesnt need to work because you guys always support her, she just spend time to count money instead of working.

4/She told you that you can sleep on her bed, then she cry bcoz the neighbor see you there and they will say this, say that Haha, I cant stand this drama story. She is Vietnamese and she should know that it is not so nice to have a man, especially Western man to stay over. However, dont forget that she is 34 married woman with 3 kids of 2 different guys. Theres no any talkative neighbor say anything. She just does that to make you have to be responsible for her, to show you that she have to bare the neighbor talking about her (because of you, huhuhu)

5/For a vietnam woman to go somewhere is not easy. Yes, she did it for me. And I could see on her face how hard it was to be away from her children => Yeah, it is not easy to go somewhere, so she has to catch this chance to go to US with you. Dont believe what you see on her face, she can act.

6/ One other fact, she gets extremely car sick. Even taking the local taxi is gets her. You can't hide that. So, to travel is not something she would do offhandedly She just bare the car sick for few hours then she got thousand US dollars, so easy for her. It seems that you are easy to be touching by such a small thing and she know that very well.

7/ She uses skype, Tango, viber, FB All for chatting with guys

8/ "sorry, I not keep my phone", sorry, the internet is slow. But, when I was there, she always had it with her except at home when it was charging. Yes, she told lie, she cannot say that sorry honey, I was busy chatting with other guys. Next time, she may tell you sorry, I forgot my phone at home or friend homeblab la

*** What should you do with her now?
- Tell her that you will go there and live with her for 3 months, you will try to spend all the time with her. I bet that she will not agree, how could she spend time for other guys when you are around.
- Tell her that your business is running down (just white lie), you are unable to support her now. You money is away but your love is still the same.
- Have 2 -3 male friends to approach and flirt her (on FB, viber ), they should tell her that they are rich, generous and they are going to travel to Vietnam. They like her, want to meet her and have serious relationship with her
- Just pretend to ask her where did she has the Iphone (which she current use). When she is not around, check the Serial number to know where is that Iphone come from. I think she still has a lot of electronic things, stuffs which sent over by foreigner guys.

*** What should you do in your future date/ relationship?
- Please do NOT let the girls know that how rich you are. Let them love you - yourself before loving your thick pocket
- Show them your point of view that you like the independent woman, not the ones who just insist in using guys money. If she is Ms right, you can support her later, it is not too late then.
- If the girl loves you, she will introduce you to all her family, her friends, you can feel free to comment, post on her FB. She will happy to receive your calls/ messages, not all the time late and say sorry, my phone not with me

Well, my comments getting long now. I hope it works in somehow. Sorry if I say anything wrong. You are a nice guy, you will meet your nice girl soon. Just be patient, have the cold head and warm heart. Dont be attracted too much in the girl appearance and let your heart blind then. Good luck!

P/S: this is the longest comment of my life. Hope that I dont need to write any long one like this again, haizzzz!!!!

WillyBaldySerial expat31 July 2014 19:00:45

#62

727

fredgo wrote:
Thanks to everyone's advice here and privately also. I will confront her about this in the next few days and see the reaction. Will also stop the money flow too to see what happens as has been suggested.

That's very smart. You certainly don't want to end up like this guy ;-)

WillyBaldySerial expat31 July 2014 19:10:23

#63

727

susu83 wrote:
- If the girl loves you, she will introduce you to all her family, her friends, you can feel free to comment, post on her FB. She will happy to receive your calls/ messages, not all the time late and say sorry, my phone not with me

Em yeu, co ong xa khong? ;-) Just kidding, but I agree 100% with your overall comment. There are so many warning signs it's hard to count them. The challenge for a foreigner in Vietnam is to know the true intentions of the woman. It's not easy when you don't speak the language and can't understand the interaction between her and her family and friends. Are you an ATM with two legs or does she really love you? But I believe that if you're patient and willing to take your time, you'll eventually find out before it's too late.

Adhome01Serial expat01 August 2014 00:36:08

#64

426

Either way, make sure and keep us updated.

LiamVuGuest04 August 2014 08:57:00

#65

214245

man....you sound like a nice guy but a dummy...if this one don't suck you in....the next one will...you are Kach-ing Kach-ing$$...getting a foreigner is a big big industry in vn thai cambo lao etc,etc...wake up smell the ugly truth and enjoy the one your with.....when that don't work...move to the next one...sounds mercenary but it is you that is the target and you are being played....keep it nice and casual...it's only pussy and it is in abundance everywhere....get one no children....( many have'em)...... and they have a GOOD job that brings in good money.....protect yourself

Dr. GBanned04 August 2014 10:25:12

#66

130

Sorry to hear of your unfortunately experiences but what you must really accept is that most Vietnamese people (particularly women) cannot be trusted. This is true, irrespective of what some others may tell you. What I say is an absolutely honest and correct statement. So, now what is best for you is to put distance (both in physicality and thought) between you and this person and do not concern yourself with the experience (which I am most confident hundreds, if not thousands of expats before you have experienced, as well). If you continue to pursue this romantic fantasy with a Vietnamese woman, you most likely will suffer further regrets in addition to financial loss. Please do not listen to anyone else propose anything different or even suggest that what I am telling you is not to be believed.

ngatttSerial expat04 August 2014 10:55:55

#67

922

Dr. G wrote:
Sorry to hear of your unfortunately experiences but what you must really accept is that most Vietnamese people (particularly women) cannot be trusted. This is true, irrespective of what some others may tell you.

Maybe you always make friends with some girls in the bar, so your experience about Vietnamese people is very simple. Sorry, my English is not good enough to express what I want to say. But if you cant make friends with educated people, that's your fault... Many people around me, they never lie anyone. They dont have time to do that! They spend time for family, for studying...

RicebunnieNew member04 August 2014 11:36:51

#68

If you are marrying someone you should never have doubts about that person. If you do then you need to think about marrying her. It looks like you're being played by her from reading your post. People will do anything to get that ticket to the States and will leave you once they get what they want. I have seen this happen to a lot of American guys. Just feel bad for them. I'm Vietnamese and I don't trust my own people half of the time. Just be careful.

ngatttSerial expat04 August 2014 12:35:56

#69

922

@fredgo: the first time she was angry with you, I think I can understand. Because she went to Saigon with you, I am sure she must tell lie to her family. But the second time, she blocked you on Facebook, I don't know why. Because you visited her house, saw her friends and even you send money for her many times. If she is a good woman, she never spend your money to buy air-condition, and something that is not too necessary. Because she is poor now, and she received money from the man, who is not her husband. Many women in North that I know, they never spend money of their boyfriends like that.
And Vietnamese women who are polite, they never talk about weight to their boyfriends like she did. They always try to be polite when talking about your weight.

If you visited her and her family many times, you can comment anything about your relationship. And she must feel happy about that. But no, she blocked you. Because she had some problems and she tried to hide you. Let her go. Find another woman. You are a good man, I think you can find a wonderful, kind woman.
Many lazy women always want to live in your country, and they have plans and do anything to make their dreams come true. Be careful!

Dr. GBanned04 August 2014 13:11:36

#70

130

No dear, I have never spent time with girls in a bar. The women of whom I am referring to are not necessarily ones who hang around bars; although they are probably included within the group that I am referring to and I am absolutely right in what I have said here previously; although because you are a Vetnamese woman, of course, you would disagree with me - I would expect that from you.

ngatttSerial expat04 August 2014 14:45:55

#71

922

Dr. G wrote:
No dear, I have never spent time with girls in a bar. The women of whom I am referring to are not necessarily ones who hang around bars; although they are probably included within the group that I am referring to and I am absolutely right in what I have said here previously; although because you are a Vetnamese woman, of course, you would disagree with me - I would expect that from you.

Not because I am Vietnamese woman. I know nowadays there are many lazy girls/women who always try to get married with foreigners because of money. But all guys have right to choose a suitable woman. Women only have right to agree or not.
Someone said, tell me who are your friends and I will tell who you are. I am wondering why you always have Vietnamese friends who can't believe. Why? Why? Why? 2^1000 times.
Sorry I am trying to improve my English writing, I hope you can understand what I wrote.

Dejavu.dotSerial expat04 August 2014 15:29:49

#72

981

ngattt wrote:
Not because I am Vietnamese woman. I know nowadays there are many lazy girls/women who always try to get married with foreigners because of money. But all guys have right to choose a suitable woman. Women only have right to agree or not.
Someone said, tell me who are your friends and I will tell who you are. I am wondering why you always have Vietnamese friends who can't believe. Why? Why? Why? 2^1000 times.
Sorry I am trying to improve my English writing, I hope you can understand what I wrote.

I also know another proverb: Don't devalue the others to raise yourself up.

ngatttSerial expat04 August 2014 16:07:06

#73

922

Dejavu.dot wrote:
ngattt wrote:
Not because I am Vietnamese woman. I know nowadays there are many lazy girls/women who always try to get married with foreigners because of money. But all guys have right to choose a suitable woman. Women only have right to agree or not.
Someone said, tell me who are your friends and I will tell who you are. I am wondering why you always have Vietnamese friends who can't believe. Why? Why? Why? 2^1000 times.
Sorry I am trying to improve my English writing, I hope you can understand what I wrote.

I also know another proverb: Don't devalue the others to raise yourself up.

Sorry dear, I tried to explain to him that, if he can't have a good friend, that is his fault first. In Vietnam, there is a proverb: chọn bạn mà chơi. Please help me translate it into English if you can. I use mobile...

This is some sentences that I read in the Internet,and I tried to translate them to English...

Never blame anyone in your life:
- The good person makes you happy.
- The bad one gives you experience.
- The worst one gives you a lesson.
- And the most wonderful one will give you good memory.

- Do not promise when you are happy!
- Do not reply when you are angry!
- Do not decide when you are sad!
- Do not laugh when someone are sad!

- What is bought with money, that's cheap!
- We need three years to learn how to speak, but a lifetime to learn how to listen.
- The journey of a thousand miles always begins with one step.
- Do not hate someone, when they havent done wrong to you.

Dejavu.dotSerial expat04 August 2014 16:15:51

#74

981

ngattt wrote:
Sorry dear, I tried to explain to him that, if he can't have a good friend, that is his fault first. In Vietnam, there is a proverb: chọn bạn mà chơi. Please help me translate it into English if you can. I use mobile...

This is some sentences that I read in the Internet,and I tried to translate them to English...

Never blame anyone in your life:
- The good person makes you happy.
- The bad one gives you experience.
- The worst one gives you a lesson.
- And the most wonderful one will give you good memory.

- Do not promise when you are happy!
- Do not reply when you are angry!
- Do not decide when you are sad!
- Do not laugh when someone are sad!

- What is bought with money, that's cheap!
- We need three years to learn how to speak, but a lifetime to learn how to listen.
- The journey of a thousand miles always begins with one step.
- Do not hate someone, when they havent done wrong to you.

You have many nice proverbs! Thanks for your sharing. I think you don't know how he is yet. Shouldnt teach him cos I feel he is older than us.I myself also made a big mistake that I always remember.. No one around me can believe that I can make that silly mistake if I tell them. Making mistakes isnt bad at all. You can learn something on it. If you see there is something wrong about his belief, it just means that it is right for his life.. doesnt mean wrong as you imagine.

All of us have our own experiences and lessons.

zanchunContributor04 August 2014 17:09:31

#75

148

Hi fredgo, it's a longest post I've ever read on this blog. Anyway, thanks for your sharing.

Here is my thinking :

1. Firstly, in Dec, you chatted with her so much. I think it's just because she wanted to share things with a stranger guy; she felt relax when doing so . And things shared to strange foreigner are much easier than to share with a Vietnamese guy. ( I know because i did take a long time to chat with a stranger girl outside VN )

2. Secondly, she has 3 children already, 2-broken in marriage, so she has a reason to worry about the 3rd marriage with you ( If happened ). I think what she want now is large amount of money to support her family life, to grow up her 3 children. She won't care about love anymore.

OR she doesn't believe in your love. How come a stranger us guy can love her and her children as well as her big family.

3. If you want to come with her, I think you should spend more time to go to meet her face to face, not Viber, not facebook. Try all your best to let her believe in your love ( Not by using your money to buy things for her family ). When you spending more time with her, you will know clearly about her. All you have told is just what she chatting with you, may not 100% true.

4. If the result is not as your wish, do'nt be sad ! Because there're still lots of lovely-not-married women in Vietnam. Just because your luck hasn't come jet.

5. Finally, we're just out-standers, our comments are just our thinking, the decision is yours !

fredgoMember04 August 2014 19:55:56

#76

Thanks! I really did read your whole post!

fredgoMember04 August 2014 20:22:22

#77

ngattt wrote:
@fredgo: the first time she was angry with you, I think I can understand. Because she went to Saigon with you, I am sure she must tell lie to her family. But the second time, she blocked you on Facebook, I don't know why. Because you visited her house, saw her friends and even you send money for her many times. If she is a good woman, she never spend your money to buy air-condition, and something that is not too necessary. Because she is poor now, and she received money from the man, who is not her husband. Many women in North that I know, they never spend money of their boyfriends like that.
And Vietnamese women who are polite, they never talk about weight to their boyfriends like she did. They always try to be polite when talking about your weight.

If you visited her and her family many times, you can comment anything about your relationship. And she must feel happy about that. But no, she blocked you. Because she had some problems and she tried to hide you. Let her go. Find another woman. You are a good man, I think you can find a wonderful, kind woman.
Many lazy women always want to live in your country, and they have plans and do anything to make their dreams come true. Be careful!

yes. That is the problem. There is no reason to block me as I am her fiance. All I get right now is not to talk about it but just trust. And that most vn women do not put their "love" on facebook. And it is kind of true. I have seen on other's facebooks that they keep it private.

The thing is that I told her Friday night it was over. I did not want to marry her. I wrote her an email saying everything. So, I left not much out. Since that night, I have not had contact with her until this morning. She has sent me many pictures from her birthday party. Sent me messages. But, I was silent until this morning. Her friend is trying to help and despite my telling her not to say anything she did. Yes, my bad.

Anyway, she said the reason my fiance doesn't want to share with me on her facebook is because I was jealous. that was it. As I wrote everyone already, I have not acted out on my jealousy. Only told her about my concerns. Yes, I am human and feel jealous, but I would never act on it. Never. Yet, that is what she said.

So, I broke my silence this morning.

And told her not to tell people that I am a "jealous fiance". It is not true.

We chatted more after this, and then she had to sleep (true, it was 01:00 there) and I have to work also.

So, there is more, but, more and more, I don't think it is a scam or a ride, but, the point of all of this: do I respect myself enough to be treated like this? No. And I have two children to think about of my own. Guess I am getting sobered up and reading some of these later posts, well, this is just not right for me.

I told her what I wanted. And I cannot accept less. I want on her facebook and for all to know that I am her fiance. I do not need to chat with her on facebook and write love notes there. Hey, I understand some things are meant to be private.

But, put a picture of us together for the world to see, change the status to engaged/married and I can move on happily. It will answer many here who say she is hiding me in case others are also sending money or she has others. This is my resolve though. Maybe later we can dispense with the facebook thing altogether. But, for now, I want it public.

Pardon me for putting this in your post, but to answer many who are considering her a "tramp" really. A gold digger. If that were true, she'd have a man already and be in the US. Wish I could show your her face. But truly, for her, it would not be a problem at all and she would have snookered someone already.

I really do not care who she chats with or calls. That is a world I do not want to enter as it will consume any man with jealousy and a lot of lost time and energy. I just need it public, then as some have hinted, anyone that has the hots for her, will stop. I would. Ant that is where I will stand my ground.

Thanks for you post!

LiamVuGuest04 August 2014 20:25:01

#78

214245

if she don't get you...another will...you are plain dumb mister

DanFromSFSerial expat04 August 2014 20:55:13

#79

615

Dude: My ex-girlfriend gave me her password on Facebook, and all her email accounts because she had nothing to hide. If she had ever blocked me on FB, I would have ended it then and there. Why haven't you?

I think you need to put your big-boy pants on and end this drama. If you can't find a better woman, you should be alone.

CHINABOBMember04 August 2014 21:43:59

#80

you need to be very aware LOTS of Vietnam's women are scammers say one thing and do another also they have many boyfriends just for money?

You need to test her intentions for your own peace of mind,
visit all her family and friends. have access to her e-mails/mobile/facebook/ect
to me she sounds a scammer?

Find a another girl ?

Closed

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