Some Jokes

Julien wrote:

Just one important detail guys. You are on an international / multicultural website.

Please do not refer to any nationality, religion or ethnic groups in your jokes. That's not funny and we'll moderate.

julien,
just a thought. as long as it dont affend anybody refering shouldnt be an issue. for ex, in India we talk a lot about SARDAR jokes and even SARDARs takes them very lightly and cracks jokes on themselves, its not offense, its just how the jokes could go. Some time having jokes without such context is like trying to eat a sweet without any sweet contents in it.

just a thought.

Top Ten ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars:

1. A Particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

3. Occassionally your car would just die for no reason and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.

4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you would have to buy more seats.

5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. Wait a second, it's that way NOW!

6. Sun Microsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.

7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

8. People would get excited about thew new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.

9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).

10. Ford, General Motors, and Chrylser would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting radios in all its models

A Desi chap was deeply in love with a pretty foreign girl, whom he wanted. But he did not have the courage to talk to her in person. So he decided to go alone and with the help of a dictionary, he wrote a letter of proposal to her.
     


HE WROTE :

        Most worthy of your estimation
        after a long consideration
        and much mediation.
        I have a strong indication
        to become your relation.
        As to my educational qualification,
        it is no exaggeration or fabrication
        that I have passed my matriculation examination;
        no doubt without any hesitation and very little preparation.
        What do you say to the solemnisation
        of our marriage celebration
        according to the glorification of modern civilisation
        and with a view to the expansion
        of the population of present generation.
     
        On your approbation of the application,
        I shall make preparation to improve my situation,
        and if such obligation is worthy of consideration
        it will be our argumentation of the joy and
        exaltation of our joint dissimilation.
     
        Thanking you in anticipation and with devotion,
     
        To remain victim of your fascination.

     
SHE WROTE :
     
        Dear Mr. Victim of my fascination,
     
        Congratulation for your lengthy narration
        of course full of affection aimed at an affiliation
        for a combination which on examination
        I find is a fine presentation of your ambition.
     
        You have passed your matriculation with little preparation,what about my graduation after a long botheration,
        so improve situation in education
        and make an application by acquisition
        of post graduation and minimum qualification
        for the convocation and before taking your photo for circulation undergo beautification.
     
        Further strict observation of the following conditions is the regulation for the determination of our relation.
     
        1. Consultation of my parents before approaching for my connection.
     
        2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not a victim
           of any fascination and,
     
        3. Procreation must not be your recreation.
     
        In anticipation of a solid action instead of continuation of
        paper conversation.
     
        I Remain,
     
        Unaffected by your affection.

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, /!\ I AM A STUPID SPAMMER /!\. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".

nonz wrote:

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, /!\ I AM A STUPID SPAMMER /!\. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".

LIFE'S OBSERVATIONS:

1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

2. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

3. I have my own little world. But it's OK, they know me here.

4. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

7. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

9. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a couple of bucks at the bowling alley.

10. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

11. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

12. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

uvnpsaradhi wrote:

LIFE'S OBSERVATIONS:

8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I love these two

blue7ind wrote:

uvnpsaradhi wrote:

LIFE'S OBSERVATIONS:

8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I love these two

I am not the original author though, read somewhere and copy paste work

This is truly cute joke
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Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

Following are the real incidents that have become jokes.

A new computer engineer from India went to USA on his company's assignment. On his first visit to a Supermarket, at the checkout, the girl at the counter asked him,"paper or plastic". [She meant, whether he wants a paper bag or a platic bag].
The boy couln't understand what she was asking. He replied, "I am new, I don't have credit card, I brought some travellers check." [He thought she was asking whether he will pay by cash (paper) or credit card (plastic)!]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The same boy goes to a fast food shop and ordered someting. The girl at the counter asked him,"here or to go". [She meant whether he will eat at the restaurant or he will take away.]
The boy couldn't understand what she was asking. He replied, "You see, I have just come on a H1B visa for one year. I don't know whether it will be extended or not. So I don't know, I will be here or to go back!" [He thought she was asking whether he will be living in USA or going out!]

and

Here comes a dumb joke

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

So Mickey wants a divorce from Minnie, so they go before the judge.

The judge says to Mickey, "I am sorry Mickey but I cannot grant you a divorce just because you say Minnie is crazy".

Mickey replies, " I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was
F%&#ing Goofey!".

That should be enough to send her to Pluto?

A man goes into a bar and after a drink or two starts a joke involving a Polish man, a donkey and the countryside. Everybody around him laugh nervously all the while looking at a large man sitting at the bar.

After the joke finishes, the large man at the bar gets up and glaring at our hero says, "Im Polish, my two brothers sitting over there are Polish and those three bouncers over there are Polish as well. Now I want you to repeat that joke again" Saying that, he calls all those big burly men over.

Our hero replies, "No. I don't want to"

The Polish guy says, "Why?? Are you scared of us?"

The man replies, "No, I just don't want to repeat the joke 6 times more"

Report submitted by a Y2K Project Leader to his manager after completing his Y2K verification task

Dear Sir,
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards: Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak. I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we tought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction."

Very Sincerely
Y2K Verified
Y2K Project Leader

A Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Boss always wants too much

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"