relationship counselling

Try these people.

http://www.cmi-vietnam.com

Before you spend your hard earned cash, sit down and think about exactly what the problem is. If your marriage is a disaster, no relationship counsellor will be able to save it.

Thanks for your reply,
i must say that it is by no means a disaster , but more simply hard to communicate about the difficulties , likes & dislikes to each other with the sincere meanings ,

So what do you expect the counselor to help you with?

Would he/she talk with both you and your wife or yourself only?

toeknee_em wrote:

Thanks for your reply,
i must say that it is by no means a disaster , but more simply hard to communicate about the difficulties , likes & dislikes to each other with the sincere meanings ,

It sounds like a communication problem, have you thought about learning VN and her lrarning English. I doubt a counsellor will be able to assist with the language barrier.

toeknee_em wrote:

but more simply hard to communicate about the difficulties , likes & dislikes to each other with the sincere meanings ,

Google translate and a kiss?

I would need the councilor  to listen to both of us individually and together , must understand  & comprehend the problems created , maybe a break down in each others culture , or maturity
what to do to change the attitudes or behaviors   for a better and happier relationship .
I know Understanding  is a key factor .
I need some one to help translate  feelings , emotions ,respect that i see is only normal/simple
way of life .
It is simply i need a Councilor to translate more clearly than i can to my wife were i think things should change , and visa versa !

Yes thanks for the advice , But it will take a long before we can both speak fluent new languages for each of us to understand !
We would go Crazy before that time .

toeknee_em wrote:

Yes thanks for the advice , But it will take a long before we can both speak fluent new languages for each of us to understand !
We would go Crazy before that time .

Forget about professional services. Expat.com is here to solve all your relationship problems. Please tell us more juicy details about your relationship.

toeknee_em wrote:

Yes thanks for the advice , But it will take a long before we can both speak fluent new languages for each of us to understand !
We would go Crazy before that time .

Well there is the problem right there. My brother has the same issues with his gf, they cant understand each other through a lack of being able to speak the same language

G'day Tony,
Very simple ole mate.   Do you have a healthy bank balance ???
If so.....show her the bank statement.

Just keep throwing the cash at em.    She'll be grinning like a goat eating thistles .   Problem solved.

Don't worry mate, if you've got plenty of loot lying around she'll stick with you like shit to a blanket.

Hi Yogi,
thanks  for your advice too , a healthy bank balance is a good recipe for most things thats true , but it doesnt really buy the happiness !

When counseling fails, Alfred Lord Tennyson has the solution - tis better to have loved and lost than still be stuck with the beach.

Fred, you meant to say it's better to have loved and just lost a little bit.

Yogi can recall having left behind a good pair of sun glasses after a late afternoon " engagement" at a therapeutic massage establishment.

I'm still getting over it😔😔

toeknee_em wrote:

Hi Yogi,
thanks  for your advice too , a healthy bank balance is a good recipe for most things thats true , but it doesnt really buy the happiness !

Yeah ...I've heard that said before.   I'd like to know who was the first guy that thought of it & what his situation was.   

It's not easy finding the right woman here, if your looking for a lifetime partner.

But...I've found it's pretty good having "friends with benefits" .  When the problems start, move on.   Why hang around making one another miserable.     It's a bit like leasing cars,, you let someone else fix the problems , and just get a new lease.

I've been to about 12 weddings here......they've all crashed.

Yogi's very very happy with his "arrangement".

Yogi007 wrote:

Yogi can recall having left behind a good pair of sun glasses after a late afternoon " engagement" at a therapeutic massage establishment.

I recall a 35 year year old lady when I was sweet 16 - I went to her place one night and left my cherry behind. I don't have any sunglasses.

From my 15 years of working and living with Vietnamese I'd say, in most cases. you will not get things your way. Viet people, especially women, are hard-headed and stubborn.  My advice to you is to give in or hang on for a rough ride. More than likely your wife will not change her mind and will make your life miserable until you give in or you have had enough. That's just the way it is, IMO.

We call these differences "culture" but in reality they are "personal". Yes they are usually rooted in culture but they are a personal belief. I can't tell you how many times I've argued with someone over something 'I felt' was obvious right or wrong just to have the other person say the opposite. Often, they didn't have a solid reason for their side of the argument but still insisted they were correct. This is extremely common.

On the plus side, over the years, I've changed my views on things I thought I never would. With that said, next to nothing was changed to my way of thinking. If you were in your home country and your wife had other Viets who had lived there a while to explain things to her, you'd have a better chance. Here in VN, not so much.

toeknee_em wrote:

I would need the councilor  to listen to both of us individually and together , must understand  & comprehend the problems created , maybe a break down in each others culture , or maturity.
I know Understanding  is a key factor .
I need some one to help translate  feelings , emotions ,respect that i see is only normal/simple
way of life .

What you're saying is that you need a counselor who is well-versed in Western culture to understand your feelings and the logic of your behaviours, and who also must be well-rooted in Asian culture to understand your wife's feelings and the logic of her behaviours. In other words, a seasoned counselor who has immersed him/herself in both worlds, who possesses a clinical mind to dissect all dry facts (yours), a clear eye to see through the abstract (hers), and the ability to grasp hold of the intangible (yours and hers.)

At the risk of sounding like a doomsayer, I don't think you'll be able to find such gem.

Since you're living in her country, I'm afraid the onus is on you to assimilate. She doesn't need to change her attitude or behaviours because that's the same attitude and behaviours of the other millions of people around her. You, OTOH, is not part of her norms.

If this is a new marriage, my advice is hang in there. Give in a little bit and you may receive a lot more. The two personal mottos that I've used (successfully) in my long marriage: 1/Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? and 2/ With time, things always fall into place.

Sorry I don't know of any professional Counselor.
But what I would like to say to you is good on you for seeking marriage counseling it shows that you care about your partner and your relationship.
I wish you and your partner the very best in the future. 
Regards

Adhome01 wrote:

From my 15 years of working and living with Vietnamese I'd say, in most cases. you will not get things your way. Viet people, especially women, are hard-headed and stubborn.  My advice to you is to give in or hang on for a rough ride. More than likely your wife will not change her mind and will make your life miserable until you give in or you have had enough. That's just the way it is, IMO.

We call these differences "culture" but in reality they are "personal". Yes they are usually rooted in culture but they are a personal belief. I can't tell you how many times I've argued with someone over something 'I felt' was obvious right or wrong just to have the other person say the opposite. Often, they didn't have a solid reason for their side of the argument but still insisted they were correct. This is extremely common.

On the plus side, over the years, I've changed my views on things I thought I never would. With that said, next to nothing was changed to my way of thinking. If you were in your home country and your wife had other Viets who had lived there a while to explain things to her, you'd have a better chance. Here in VN, not so much.

The advice above, and Ciambella's below, while not want you asked, is about as good advice as you can get.

Really good advice.
I once got in a tremendous argument over a matter which to me was obvious.  She was equally adamant. It deteriorated to a point we were yelling at each other from 50 feet away, with only a few hundred witnesses.
Cultural differences, worse than US/Viet; she was from the Bronx, I New York.

Week's later, thinking about the issue coldly, I realized we were both so adamant, because we were both right, just not understanding we were arguing different issues.

Oh well.  Because of that, I have time to live in Vietnam and write this post.

All's Well that Ends Well.

My point: step back and really try to understand her culture and where she is coming from. Remember that she has far more to lose than you. (She can't return to her home country. She has all her family here watching everything she does and commenting on it and criticizing her for it, etc)

Good luck.

Your an Aussie, The Family Court of Australia does have counsellors free of charge that you can speak to on the phone.  There are also online counselling services .

BUT.......it's a very good chance once you tell them your Age and that your in Vietnam having women problems they'll either laugh at you or suggest you develop a drinking habit to cope with it.   

They , like most people know the "types" that come to cheap Asian expat hangouts looking for women.  It's buyer beware here . Caveat emptor.

I'm very lucky, my lady friend does NOT want to marry OR go to Australia.    She thinks the place is full of snakes, man eating sharks ,crocodiles and drunken hillbillys.   

As I said before,, "friends with benefits" is the way to go.    I've met a lot of girls here , and can still call them up for dinner, coffee etc...  if you part company on good terms it feels a lot better.  It all changes once you start signing marriage contracts. 
It's all about the the short game here.   Get in & get out before the rot sets in, because this place (SE Asia) has a notoriously high failure rate in mixed culture relationships.

In a nutshell....become a player.    The other side does, and they do it well don't they..?.

So..repeat after Yogi......" I'm a player, we play the players"      And it's fun too🤓

Hi ,Adhome01 , this is exactly  what i am experiencing
Wow" i am finally so glad to hear this problem is not an Isolated one  and i have been understood .
I am generally  a very calm, patient & an understanding man until she presses all the wrong buttons which makes me fight back creating an argument over what i believe  had no reason to be misunderstood .
yes culture & belief both have parts in this .

I feel a little better now !

Thanks

Oh well here I go poking my nose in again.
Forgive my seriousness, I think the OP is being sincere so i'll skip the usual forum beatdowns!

Ground rules for effective couples counseling

Both parties must:
- still be in the relationship, not looking for someone else to tell their partner the truth because they are weak.
- be open to listen to and divulge their real feelings to a stranger.
- be open to criticism without getting defensive. Really.
- be willing to try new approaches via homework exercises the counselor assigns.
- be willing and successful at reprogramming certain micro-behaviors such as the way they complain, push buttons, get angry or quiet, sabotage, etc.
- be diligent in tuning out friends and family who are steering them.

Both parties must:
- gain trust in the counseling, this takes time, expect at least 8 weeks and probably double because your relationship has many contributing tangents paths to examine.
- view the counselor as a competent objective helper, not a boss or bully.
- feel the money is being well spent (because money is always an issue).
- feel some personal compatibility with the counselor. *

Also:
- A good friend who counsels will only support your side of the story, to make you feel good.
- A good counselor is like a close friend who supports you, but is also insightful and can tell you what you need to hear and fix.
- Everything @ciambella said in his first paragraph about culture differences.
- The Counselor cannot appear to favor or show bias to one person or position, or the other party will shut down.
- When one party starts getting defensive and gives up on the relationship, counseling just turns into talking to a wall.
- The Counselor will never decide the fate of your relationship, they just give you insights. That can be frustrating because you want someone to "tell me what to do".

There can only be two outcomes of counseling: the relationship continues with respect and care, or it becomes apparent it should end. You want to avoid the painful multi-year slow death, unless maybe for kids.

* My positive experience: several years of individual psychotherapy after divorce. I found a counselor who felt safe instead of clinical after 3 tries, and it helped me patch up multiple broken bits like childhood feelings, self-awareness, relationships, career. I recommend personal counseling for everyone, because we are all maladjusted.
Unfortunately I think most people don't want to see counselors and don't want to change, change is scary and can hurt.

good luck!

Thanks Gopot ,
All good advice and meaningful .

Hello Yogi, Thanks too for your advice yes i did not think things could be so complicated after only a 2 year relationship  1 year of that is marriage .

I realy do know what you are saying here !
but i am one to give things another chance and hope for change , So after i have given my wife the opportunity, in a way that she must completely understand our differences .

thanks

No problem Tony,

You may have guessed by now that a lot of expat men here are serial divorcees.    A lot of us come here at a certain stage in life.    I learnt very early here that it wasn't me they were interested in,,, it was what I brought to the table.   Unfortunately that's how it is in most cases & even though most of us know that but still give it a shot.

The trick is getting out before you've put too much on the table.   If your already sleeping on the couch it's probably too late for counselling.😉

For any relationship to work , you need Communication, Compatibility, relationship expectations, and Trust well sorted to have a hope.    Here in SE Asia most can't even speak the language, are totally incompatible (both personally & culturally) and the relationship expectations are ridiculous.  It's always amused me that someone can be living in a bunker, earning $150 a MONTH and after meeting a foreigner they expect to live like a * rockstar.   And as for Trust....🤓 Whoa.   

So mate,,,it's a hard gig to get right.    Just this week alone three blokes I know are already on the way out. They're sleeping on the couch.    They  basically committed the sin of running out of nest egg money.   No more big family feasts, no more exotic holidays to Koh Samui, no more family handouts etc etc.  They now have to live on his meagre age pension.   She's being drip fed....not good😆 
Once that lemons been squeezed dry , they look for another one.  And if your already sleeping on the couch , she's probably already found another prospect .  I know guys here who's wives are active on Tinder and several dating sites.   They won't let go of one "pay packet" until another is booked in.

My former VN landlady explained a lot to me about the women here, and suggested Yogi not get too involved.  The friends with benefits works for me.    Yogi has adapted well.  He has embraced communism.  He has decided to spread the passion evenly among the people. You've somehow got to balance the Needy with the Greedy.🤓

Hope it works out , but this region is notorious for western men coming to grief with women.

English speaking only psychotherapist:***

Yogi007 wrote:

Your an Aussie, The Family Court of Australia does have counsellors free of charge that you can speak to on the phone.  There are also online counselling services .

BUT.......it's a very good chance once you tell them your Age and that your in Vietnam having women problems they'll either laugh at you or suggest you develop a drinking habit to cope with it.   

They , like most people know the "types" that come to cheap Asian expat hangouts looking for women.  It's buyer beware here . Caveat emptor.

I'm very lucky, my lady friend does NOT want to marry OR go to Australia.    She thinks the place is full of snakes, man eating sharks ,crocodiles and drunken hillbillys.   

As I said before,, "friends with benefits" is the way to go.    I've met a lot of girls here , and can still call them up for dinner, coffee etc...  if you part company on good terms it feels a lot better.  It all changes once you start signing marriage contracts. 
It's all about the the short game here.   Get in & get out before the rot sets in, because this place (SE Asia) has a notoriously high failure rate in mixed culture relationships.

In a nutshell....become a player.    The other side does, and they do it well don't they..?.

So..repeat after Yogi......" I'm a player, we play the players"      And it's fun too🤓

she thinks the place is full of snakes, man eating sharks and drunken hooligans??? Is she a Harvard graduate??? She has most certainly hit the nail on the head! Intelligent woman!

OP, I value your good intentions and wish you good luck with this endeavor!

OTOH, many Vietnamese are stubborn, far into the autistic spectrum. (Just watch traffic - - -). And adults won't change

Yeah, money can help us more happiness because we can create more happy time for our love with flowers, great food, interesting show,... but money can not heal relationship. Different culture is very issued for both of you understand each other well in some circumstance. How is your relationship between you and your wife now? I hope that would be better now. And some one is helpful for you and your wife.

https://saigoneer.com/vietnam-news/2592 … in-vietnam

https://saigoneer.com/vietnam-news/2592 … -vietnam,,  the communist life is 1 of perceived utopia, where hand all responsibility over to the government then wonder why the country in many places looks like a trash heap. Agape would be a start. We westerners are also to blame in some ways, if so many didn't chase the pretty young thing, they may start to think about the worth of fidelity and not choose the walking, terminal old walking ATM, easy life. Iv'e learnt my lesson and have no intention of chasing fluff, Best wishes to O/P in resolving his challenges!!. Mark

Thanks Safetwa,
yes i believe that our true intensions for our marrage were to be life long and happy partners , so have to give it a chance even with advice or help ' if it was meant to be"  then it will be  !
If not then i know that i have tried and can walk away and still be a happy man
that's  learnt a new lesson ..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FCIIDmN_Po

This hopefully will help all to understand the culture

Many of us dream to found a couple and to live in a harmonious way, but it is often very difficult, particularly for "international couples".

For those who want to deepen their relationship, who are wondering about a long term commitment, who wish to be accompanied in their couple or who are going through difficult times, whether for a one-off meeting, a weekend session or a program of regular encounters, everyone can rediscover the beauty of couple life, in Vietnam as well. Focusing on communication and dialogue, get a privileged time together in order to deepen your relationship and understanding.

DELAFON wrote:

... dream to found a couple ...  wish to be accompanied in their couple ....  everyone can rediscover the beauty of couple life, in Vietnam as well....  get a privileged time together ...

It's a very confusing post.

Ciambella wrote:

DELAFON wrote:

... dream to found a couple ...  wish to be accompanied in their couple ....  everyone can rediscover the beauty of couple life, in Vietnam as well....  get a privileged time together ...

It's a very confusing post.

Hello Ciambella,

How can I help you?
Do you have a question?

DELAFON wrote:

Ciambella wrote:

DELAFON wrote:

... dream to found a couple ...  wish to be accompanied in their couple ....  everyone can rediscover the beauty of couple life, in Vietnam as well....  get a privileged time together ...

It's a very confusing post.

Hello Ciambella,

How can I help you?
Do you have a question?

Yes, I do.

- "Many of us dream to found a couple"  For what purpose would we want to find a couple?  By any chance you wanted to say "dream to have a good relationship, to be half of a couple"?

-  "wish to be accompanied in their couple".  Ahem.  If we found a couple and we accompanied them in their coupleship, would that make us a third wheel? 

- "everyone can rediscover the beauty of couple life", I understand that part, but "in Vietnam as well" gave me pause.  What does a country have anything to do with a couple's life? 

- "get a privileged time together":  What exactly does that mean?  I've never seen or heard the term "privileged time" being used so I did a quick check and found this definition:  "Privileged time is the amount of time being spent in the Windows kernel executing system calls such as drivers, IRPs, context switching, etc."  I'm completely stumped now.  Did you mean a couple should spend quality time together?  If so, quality and privileged are not interchangeable words, you know that, right?

Unlike investing in property, I don't think giving relationship advice should be part of your repertoire, Delafon.