Dealing with loneliness in the Philippines

loneliness  in the philippines? hmmm thats a pretty challenging question, cause most i know come to the philippines to find happiness or companion lol. I will try and answer the question one by one:

What are some potential factors that lead to loneliness when moving to the Philippines?

In my opinion, for one to feel lonely while in the philippines would be based on these factors:

1.Either the individual is having hard times adjusting to the everyday life and climate conditions
2. Plainly missing family members back at their home countries.
3. Have what is called  "plastic friends" who just surround you to take and take and that's all they do. That is to say choosing the wrong type of friends who just drain you emotionally and financially.


How do you deal with feelings of loneliness?

That could be answered individually. But to kill loneliness in the philippines there are vast number of things you could do ranging from:

1. Clubbing/Nightlife. Going out and meeting new people( you being a foreigner makes it easy to approach the locals, as most are always excited to have a friend different from their culture). Everyone know of these as it is what makes the country popular in my opinion. The are a lot of "Red Spots" and can be found in almost every major province you are in or want to visit.

2. Philippines is blessed with many beaches and tourist attractions that could easily kill your loneliness just by exploring. Having trips to wonderful places like 100 Islands, subic, cebu, Boracay and other interesting places should at least make you feel a bit surrounded with love as you will meet interesting characters and find out exciting things the country has to offer.

3. There are other things you could indulge in, such as helping out in the many established NGOs in the country or signing up to do short teaching lessons for less privileged schools or helping out in rural communities with the Red Cross. ( I personally engaged in such activities and never would you feel alone, as you did always have that happiness in the heart of having changed or touched a life)



Is it easy to expand or create a social network in the Philippines?

Very easy. Again depending on individual circumstances. If you are open minded and can easily adjust to the different kinds of lifestyle and environmental conditions that the philippines offer you did have a good lot of social networks for your everyday life. Having schooled here and lived a good amount of years here, i had a pretty vast social network ranging from classmates, expats friends, Fun friends( Friends who are just there to party 24/7), Work friends etc. list goes on depending on individual preferences and lifestyle lol.

Are there any activities or events that encourage social meet ups and networking opportunities?

Alot. Filipinos are fun people to be with and hence you did get a lot of invitations to activities and social events almost every day. I once was invited by a friend to come over to his house in celebration of his dog giving birth to 5 puppies. Others are the birthdays, Graduations, weddings, Anniversaries, Monthsaries, work colleague-get-togethers, Teammates bonding etc etc. The list goes on and on. Depending on individual preferences and lifestyle, you did get invited to pretty much a lot of social meet ups and gatherings.


In all, i have always seen philippines as a place of fun and hardly would you feel lonely. Is the country you run to, when you are feeling alone. A bit of reason why expats choose to retire here. You will always find someone willing to help you out (most are just in for something, but there are handful of good people). They are known for their hospitality for such reasons.

My advice is whenever you are feeling lonely always remember the saying "IS MORE FUN IN THE PHILIPPINES." so you just step out and create your happiness.

If an immigrant or expat cannot find their own answers to loneliness, then isn't the simplest solution to just return to the home country ?

Many expats select locations like the Philippines for very personal reasons.  Just managing a change to a new country, culture and set of languages can make any person experience loneliness from moment to moment.  Prior to each of the 22 countries I have traveled to, I worked on my mindset where a bit of research allowed me to get more comfy with the new things I was about to experience.  There have been times when basic travel to a new country for even a week or two was met with the feelings of loneliness, but with an afterthought that it was just for a short time, and did not create depression or regret. 

Here, my thinking prior to going to this new place was based on "I'm ready to explore" vs. why is this not like the place/home I'm leaving (in my case, California). 

However, once it was clear that a decision to retire was made, a very new set of dynamics triggered many thoughts.  The relinquishing of and or settling of my property (cars, weapons, house etc.) was not easy for me.  It took many years to be able to reach a comfortable level and now I was removing all forms of security and familiarity to make a clean move to the PI.  Without involving any person in the PI, I went through a process of feeling alone as I methodically removed all of the things in my life that gave me my level of comfort.   After 14 business trips to or thru the PI (including Bagio, Cebu, and Dumaguete/Bacolod), I remained focus on the exact area I would retire to (since this decision was made back in 2009 when I first came to the PI and visited Tagaytay).

At this point, my thinking was based on "I'm 62+ and starting all over with no family or support system waiting for me....  am I sure?"  This process did leave me with a feeling of "anticipated loneliness".

Being fully aware that after a divorce or separation we may feel happier or better about the situation we left but most humans will feel that something is missing.  My guard was up for any situations I may put myself into where "instant" companionship was one smile away but a meaningful lasting relationship would not be so simple. This reality of uncertainty did make for a bit of depression around boarding time at LAX.  If the expat is an older male, we may look to "recover" from that bad past by holding onto the first female that shows an interest or acts attracted to us.  I was very much aware that some expats may mistake feelings of love with feelings of loneliness.  I reminded myself that I must guard against the negative results of being connected with the wrong lady (who at first, stopped the feelings of loneliness for a moment) to later have the realization that the feeling of "something is missing" has not been satisfied.

Boarding the flight was the ending of one setting and hoping I was ready for the new life ahead.  This process involved feelings of loneliness coupled with thoughts that "I am ready", I have done all that needed to be done.

I feel that depression can strike at any time/place but knowing a person has done the best in preparing for the "newness" can be a strong counter to the depressed notations that may pop up.  Dealing with a new place, life, customs and finding a significant other at 62+ left me with mixed feelings, but little depression.  Realizing the Philippines is full of available ladies that can be a great match; given the right time and vetting to check for compatibility past the "horizontal bedroom" check.  I feel it is very challenging for most expats to overcome any depression they may be dealing with if they are attempting to do so unprepared, unfocused, alone and/or with the wrong person/situation.  Best to all!

We bring with us the bags we carried while we were where we were. I have met some expats who came looking to turn their lives into something different than what it was. Some have found success in a patient or resilliant partner. Filipinos, especially Filipinas, suffer better than westerners. Some have had their fortunes, opportunities and resources, misspent on salves never really able to heal the wounds they have endured. Some, simply looking for adventure. Others have returned home or gone to another place disillusioned or having gotten what they came to get. Others should have. I have known three men who died in the Phils. Two talked about feelings of isolation.

I came to the Philippines because I was in China. The trip from Hong Kong to Clark was short. And cheap. And I had heard “it” was more fun in the Philippines. Being a bit of a loner by nature, loneliness is more often a result of the choices I make. Though not working a regular job, I am trying to write stuff worth reading. The very nature of my pursuits invites aloneness. Which can lead to times of lonliness. Comes with the territory, so to speak.

Back to the bags we carry - mine: I thrive in intellectual, arts and cultural settings. The starkness of these communities in the Philippines leaves me malnourished. If they exist they are often cloistered, not readily available to outsiders. I was surprised by this, as well as how Manila centric life is here. I live in Davao. There is not great transparency or communication here. Sometimes I am pleasantly surprised to find art installations in unexpected places, like malls. I have often also been disappointed by more formal installations in museums or galleries.  Admittedly, this is my issue. To generalize though, my advice is know what you really need before moving to a place not your own.

Bonding is an expression in the Philippines that I love. Bonding, generally is about spending time with family or friends. It is a communial intention that can be more exclusive than inclusive. I have not been invited to gatherings because they have been for family or for batch mates or for coworkers. The slights have been as casual as when Filipinos slip into their own language with each other forgetting or not caring that you, an expat, are there. Intentionally or not the times I have felt more isolated and lonely have been when I was in groups of Filipinos.

I used to live in Colombia. One Sunday of every month (could be every week, I forget) a main street was closed to car traffic so people could walk, bike, dance, sell food, etc. Smiles were exchanged. Those interested in talking to strangers did. If you wanted to participate in an exercise session, join. I also used to live in Costa Rica. On a recent visit, my morning walk yielded agendaless greetings, acknowledgments and smiles. I have learned that the Philippines is not that kind of country.

Perhaps it is low wages, culture or habit, not sure, but I find the work life balance if the Philippines promotes isolation. Not just with expats but in the lives of Filipinos also. Values for health and wellness are just beginning to sprout, though seemingly not wholely embraced. The degree to which a person needs external reinforcement facilitating or even encouraging nonsexual encounters, bonding, is something to be reflected upon when considering a move to the Philippines. I probably misjudged my needs in this area. An environment valuing health, wellness and connectedness is more important to me than I knew.

Which leads me to conclusion. Or back to the beginning. Being a psychologist, I know loneliness, if left unattended to can lead to depression. And often when people do not find ways and places to get their needs met, they can easily get lost, become disoriented and do things that are self destructive.  I have found the internet to be invaluable in maintaining connections that feed my soul. I would not stay in the Philippines, if I had a choice, with no internet. 

Lastly, fortunately,  I married a patient and supportive Filipina. Last year, we had twins. She knows, there are times when I must be alone. She checks on me. Something I think most of us need.  She, and a few friends, are my support system. I am blessed by their love. For me a good support system, live and virtual, are key to being in balance. Which is essential to keeping being alone from turning into loneliness. Or something much more problematic.

Wayne

For me seeing and talking to other expats helps.  We also plan 12-20 months ahead of time for travel all over the world.  This helps give me things for which to prepare and remind me that if I have boring days in the Philippines it is a good way to save money for our trips.  In addition I read a lot, mostly novels, and watch a lot of NBA basketball on tv.  Undoubtedly being online also helps with a world perspective.  I am increasing my CD collection, one of the things I miss most in the province is live music I want to hear.  Having a daily routine helps, as does scheduled visits to town for shopping and/or Mass.

loneliness is not in the Philippines its inside our spirit . if we have loneliness no matter where we are we be lonely. so the solution lies within ourselves .
we need to analyse ourselves and find answers to our issues that cause loneliness . thats all .

This is how I personally deal with loneliness. I did not best to surround me with things that I found comforting in my home country (I.e. air conditioning home, Expat’s military background, nice garden around home, comfortable vehicle etc...)

I also use social media to contact my relative frequently in my home country. I stay busy helping people and meeting people.

I read a lot. Especially the bible. I apply the principles in it to deal with loneliness and depression. God is always with me so I never am alone. My relationship with God has and does take me thru all challenges of life.

I stay busy doing the things I enjoy. I have a schedule that I stay on. I really don’t have much time to feel lonely. Plus I have a beautiful Filipino wife who I have been married to for 29 years.

I would think of it as being more homesick at times that loneliness. I have an awesome fiancee, 2 maids, and kids around all of the time. The biggest challenge is not losing myself in a new world.

I waste way too much money going out to the mall to eat I suppose is my biggest fault, or to watch american movies. Then there is the ideal of having the big house in the safe gated community.

But to deal with loneliness....

I bought a motorcycle and started exploring. I became involved in local schools and the PTA. I use my medic training to help orphans and the poor.

Then one day I discovered that the ability to mix drinks was a valuable comodity here.......Hence the blue margarita led to the nickname Papa Smurf!

I also made sure to not mistake the temporary companionship of the local boom boom mamas with that of a caring, loving person.

I walk my dogs. I enjoy the time with family here....

And I enjoy the church.

Life is what you make of it!

Loneliness can happen all over the world.  It is a human condition because we are social creatures.   You can feel alone even when you're out among other people.  It is best to try to make friends and form new relationships.  Maybe start by using social media and finding friends who share common interests.  I found love in the Philippines and such a sense of happiness.  Most of the people I've met seem full of joy and most want to see the world.  And like every where else I've been people have their own lives so be patient and start small.

I usually make expat friends because I have nothing in common with these local people.  The girls are ok, but I can't be around girls all the time haha.

I am able to travel back and forth from the Philippines to Canada and able to enter the United States of America, from Canada and I would imagine the Philippines.  I am available to travel in the Asian countries and Australia and New Zealand, I am able to adapt to different work environments and duties.  I do require a Work Permit for the Philippines but have a Permanent Residence Status.

Well personally I find the situation here in the Philippines to be very isolating, and  I'm probably going to have to leave permanently at some point. After 4 years here (with sanity breaks to the US),  I have had enough of the isolation, the culture and other issues.

Being in a relationship, I'm not particularly lonely per se, but I really miss good intellectual conversation and I don't get it from my woman, unfortunately. I also find very few locals who want to carry on that sort of discussion, for example about world affairs, politics, local issues, technology, or whatever.

Another factor for me personally is that my girlfriend, her two kids and niece usually speak in Cebuano, even around me, which is another form of isolating behavior, even though they can all speak some English.  And I never know what the arguments are about, lol. Well, this won't work long term.

I have met some interesting professionals and I know a few well-traveled and informed expats that are enjoyable to spend time with, but for various reasons we are unable to get together often, and most of the others are bar-hopping and/or chasing the local women, which is not really my cup of tea.

So it goes, I'm just venting my frustration at this point.

pnwcyclist wrote:

Another factor for me personally is that my girlfriend, her two kids and niece usually speak in Cebuano, even around me, which is another form of isolating behavior, even though they can all speak some English.  And I never know what the arguments are about, lol. Well, this won't work long term.

I agree this is an isolating factor, but it works well for me.  I am happy to NOT know what the current family dispute is about.  No one ever calls me as a witness in these disputes, which is fine with me.  I make it a point to not learn the local language, it adds to my peace to be ignorant of such nonsense.

Haha, great point.. never thought of that as a positive..

Maybe you could volunteer to work for some US based charity which would give you the opportunity to widen your circle of acquaintances plus add the dimension of US contacts, conferences around Asia and so forth.  Seems a shame to lose the gf as you've alleged nothing negative against her.

On the other hand, you could find another gf who has a wider range of intellectual interests. 

Jim

Thanks Jim, good thoughts.  I realize part of the frustration is lack of contact with other professionals since I retired, its just worse here of course due to the language barrier. I'll take a look at that.

I understand your frustration. Dont let it get to you. I am slowly learning the visaya/cebuano and my new family is fluent in English. The biggest help seems to find a local group of other foreignors and make friends quickly.

Mugtech says..... "I agree this is an isolating factor, but it works well for me.  I am happy to NOT know what the current family dispute is about.  No one ever calls me as a witness in these disputes, which is fine with me.  I make it a point to not learn the local language, it adds to my peace to be ignorant of such nonsense."

Absolutely the truth  !     

Motorcycle touring is a way to get out and learn more without the barhopping!

gordy5938 wrote:

Motorcycle touring is a way to get out and learn more without the barhopping!

Off topic but are you talking big bikes or 150 - 200cc? If you ever find your way to La Union next year or beyond I'm in, look, beating the loneliness before I get there. From April/May forward next year gordy so look us up if you decide to come up north.

Cheers, Steve.

thanks,
I suggested riding as a way for expats to escape the loneliness. back home groups would ride and just take in nature. I just upgraded from a boxer to a rouser so am waiting to see how comfy the new ride will be!

@ pnwcyclist,
Why not start a new blog topic here that includes the areas of interest you wish to discuss?  Based on your wording and the response(s), you may have a good start on finding the intellectual banter that you want/need.

Suggested topics include but are not limited to:

- University rankings compared to US or_____?
- IT solutions in the PI vs. USA.
- Separation of church and state compared.
- Automotive technology in the PI vs. Europe vs. USA.
- University offerings compared to USA or _____?
- Any other non offensive topic you wish to raise.

You can also get involved with current related topic of interest.

gordy5938 wrote:

Motorcycle touring is a way to get out and learn more without the barhopping!

I agree. I still do a lot of riding when I'm in the States, as I have for 40 years. Even bought a "big bike" here a couple years back (Kawi 650, lol) but eventually sold it due to all the close calls. You have to consider what will happen if there is an accident that in the US might not be life threatening because of rapid response, but here? Probably not gonna end well. My woman loves motorcycles though, and we did get to some other islands, but now she's back in school, along with the two boys. Hard to get away. Good thought though.

Hi there,
I totally emphatise with your isolation experience, even though you are surrounded by the Cebuanos. Here's my unsollicited opinion to you...
First, you may be inside the circle of people,  not right for your personality.
Secondly, what's the true base of your relationship? Are you the breadwinner, does this family have their own resources, or you are their financial boss? If that's the case, this "love affair" is not right.
Assess your situation very well. Are you a winner or a loser in this affair?
You need a deep, thorough conversation with your Cebuana girl.
I am a qualified, practising Counsellor.

Good luck to you 😊
LisdeNice
****

mbhuller wrote:

loneliness is not in the Philippines its inside our spirit . if we have loneliness no matter where we are we be lonely. so the solution lies within ourselves .
we need to analyse ourselves and find answers to our issues that cause loneliness . thats all .

Respectfully, I disagree. Most humans are not islands. We are klanish, tribal, community oriented beings. The absence of human to human contact creates mind/body/spirit isolation. The resulting responses have been well documented. That is the reason that long periods in isolation are considered torture.

Many of the answers to a sense of isolationare found in the post be Wayne 07, mugtech and others have written. Ultimately, its about creating connections, connections of value, connections to look forward to realizing. Most importantly, no one should believe that if they cannot get in touch with their inner selves resolving feelings of lonliness by themselves something is wrong with them. Most of us need others to be healthy.

Wayne

There are quite a few days, I am the outsider.  My wife is the owner of a Beauty Salon in the Philippines, and only one of the staff makes the effort to chat with me.  I am fortunate, that the other business owners take time to chat.  But it is mostly our clients, some of the time I get to chat with.  One disadvantage, not speaking, Tagalog.  There was never a chance to learn,  And i know what your thinking.  No, it is not going to happen.  Visiting Canada was not the solution.

One way I have relieved the boredom, is to associate my self with Visual Artist, on Facebook.  And in a few opportunities, have been able bond a friendship, is to help the locate an Art Gallery in Canada.

What will happen down the road, not sure.  Only time will tell.  Ned an Active Club her in Baguio with other Expats. open to suggestions


Frank

i feel lonely when i am with my wife family they speak English , but speak Cebuano, also most of her friends talk good English but talk Cebuano as well, I try and talk with and they ignore me to, I feel lonely when I am with them, however my wife ex boss and family talk to me in English they more like family to me, and they say i am family to them,another thing that pisses me off with her family and friends we always take chocolate as present most never say thank you, but when someone does something for them they salamat which means thank you, to me i find it rude thought i think they treat me like ***.

I am married to a Filipina. Being a single x pat probably has some drawbacks. Allowing people to play you like a cheap guitar will only happen if the x pat allows it. Settle down with that soulmate and the spunging affect will diminish dramatically. We will move back home in around 10 years. Above all else; be happy and serene with whatever situation occurs.

aussiekiwi wrote:

i feel lonely when i am with my wife family they speak English , but speak Cebuano, also most of her friends talk good English but talk Cebuano as well, I try and talk with and they ignore me to, I feel lonely when I am with them, however my wife ex boss and family talk to me in English they more like family to me, and they say i am family to them,another thing that pisses me off with her family and friends we always take chocolate as present most never say thank you, but when someone does something for them they salamat which means thank you, to me i find it rude thought i think they treat me like shit.

Have you shared your feelings with your wife regarding them speaking a language that you cannot understand when they are in your presence even though they speak English?
They can probably blah blah blah to one another faster in their native tongue but, I would let her know that it makes you feel uncomfortable, disconnected from them and like an outsider.
I certainly wouldn’t want my spouse to feel that way if the roles were reversed.
The squeaky wheel gets the grease as they say.

I feel in the Philippines one should start playing basketball if they are bored

There is almost always a game going in any barangay!

And most expats are taller than Filipinos so even if they are not good on offense they can always be a defensive factor and get a block or two.

Just know that they might want to gamble for 100 pesos or so on the outcome of the game.

I've been blessed with Asian features with a tad bit of brown skin making me pretty much like a filipino. People spoke to me in tagalog even when I first visited the Philippines. I probably don't feel as lonely as other expats who have much different appearances making them look more "alien" to the locals. What I felt though, was a weird sense of loneliness, because although I seem to blend with the locals I cannot speak the language yet. I also don't get noticed by other expats because they think I'm just another filipino. So I don't have many expat friends here, but my few foreigner colleagues.

I'm also lucky to have a close circle of filipino friends before moving here. But when they're not around,  I have my cats that I adopted from the streets. I also joined animal lover community and help feral cats with trap-neuter-release and feeding programs.

I guess staying active and involved is one of the keys to avoid loneliness. Having pet life companions will also help a lot! Although, you will get extra task bringing them outside of the Philippines when you leave.

Priscilla, well said.

I have been in Baguio City for three years.  I went back to Toronto, to  try to sponsor my wife.  but only lasted 6 weeks.  don Mills is a beautiful suburb, but a lonely one. Here in Baguio, i can walk along Mabini street, and a few of the retailers make me feel so welcome. 
To lessen the loneliness, and being a former Art Gallery owner, I have meet quite a few talented Artist.  And hopefully with the help of two friends, will hold an Exhibition  in the New year.
One day I would like to be part of a group of Expats that can get together and become more involved with our adopted Baguio City and the Philippines.

It is not as lonely as it was a few years ago. Thank you friends of the Philippines.

God Bless Canada and the Philippines

Calling all Expats in Baguio City

Would you be interested in forming an Expat Group in Baguio City.

Frank

Salamat.

Concerning expat playing basketball to help with loneliness, mist cannot play the game. Or know very little about basketball. Plus most are tonold to jump😂

I have recently moved here from United States. The lonliness is starting to kick in for me as well. Even though I am a Filipine citizen, I'm most definitely treated like an outsider - mainly because I don't speak a lick of Tagalog.

I actually found this forum by searching for things to help with the lonliness! I am an expat but I'm not, if that makes sense.

I would love to meet people other expats, I'm just unsure of where and how. Google says Makati. Is this true?

Diana

Welcome Dianalyn to expat.com,

I am sure your adjustment from Florida to the PI will be a continuous adventure.  You are on the right path by posting here as a start.  I'm not sure how Google can help or how it points to Makati??

Only you can review your needs/wants and decide if a location (such as Makati) will help to accomplish your goal(s).  It seems you may have a double adjustment due to a possible local look that does not match the expected local language match that most locals will assume. 

I advise all expats to search and research and stay busy on activities that are of interest as they make plans accordingly.  Be patient and assured that you will find interests/activities that will reduce any loneliness you presently are experiencing. 

You may want to share some of your interests or plans by asking about or seeking posts that directly relate to any of your interests or goals here in the Philippines.  Where you live and your desired life style will be a factor in all that you do to find a less lonely path.

Best wishes and keep posting when you find the need or see topics of interest.

Hi there,

Thank you for that. Patience is definitely something I've learned is an essential part of living here. I've recently become employed with a BPO company,  just awaiting the start date.

In the meantime I've been hoping to connect with others like myself. Where I live, not speaking more than the basics of Tagalog has made connecting that much harder.

Welcome,

Yes, despite the common belief that English is "widely spoken", it is only at a very rudimentary level. Hence, no deep or worthwhile conversation is possible with local Filipinos, unless they are college educated.  It is indeed very isolating. I do not blame them, or my GF - it is natural to want to converse in one's natural language.. but it is isolating nonetheless.

There have been suggestions to continue one's hobbies here, but if you're an outdoors person, forget it. It's hot, extremely humid, and there are few public trails or other infrastructure. That means little hiking or biking, no safe camping, etc. I swim and ride my road bike a few times a week in Cebu but it's really rough with the humidity and air pollution. I do meet some friendly Filipinos going up the mountain though and we share the misery, haha..

Yes, patience is a virtue, as it takes longer to complete errands, basic tasks, etc. Employees in stores don't really seem to care, or be customer-focused. Very little initiative on display. And traffic, haha. I also  feel AC is mandatory most of the time here, unless you're really used to a humid climate.  There is sometimes a lovely breeze in the evening where we are but the noise is too intrusive - motorbikes, barking dogs, karaoke, etc. So I end up turning on the AC to sleep also.

Good luck with the new job.

Hey there!

Boy living here was definitely  a shock to me. I've heard so many of the same positive things mentioned on this forum that have turned out to be realistically  less than positive. Even though I AM a Filipine citizen so many things have surprised me here.

Fortunately where I've chosen to live has just about everything I'm used to - A/C, very good Wi-Fi, security...etc. The only thing lacking, is as you've mentioned, someone to hold a conversation with that consists of more than a few words.

I've thought of checking the nightlife out, just am worried about going off by myself. May just need to suck it up and wait the month for my start date and hope my co-workers (fortunately in most BPO companies being somewhat proficient in English is a requirement) can help in this area. But yes, slowly but surely, it feels like it's eating me up.

I live VERY close to SM Southmall. Most days I'll wander around there. I guess it's just being here alone and doing things alone that are driving me crazy. Thank heavens for ice cream!