Talking to a Viet girl in HCMC. Need some clarity.

Andy Passenger wrote:

Why such men choose a strong woman is a mystery to me.

Who knows, but my 2 cents, and let me preface that people are going to disagree but this is based on my experiences, the VN women that control their western husbands is likely due to the fact that their western husbands do not understand VN culture and/or their wives failed to educate them in this subject matter.

In VN, bottom line, the man is king.  He has the last word and no self respecting VN husband would allow his wife to control him like a dog.  However, that does not mean all of them are Aholes, of course not.   For example, my inlaws.  Father does not talk a lot, has never hit my mother inlaw, has never yelled or screamed at her, mom runs the house, but when dad speaks, all the women listen, including the sisters, aunts etc. and he is treated with the utmost respect. 

I know for some it may seem difficult to understand, I did as well when I first started dated my wife.  But as time passed, she would teach me about VN culture and customs and it does take awhile to finally get it.  I doubt I can explain in a blog because it is difficult enough to try and explain these type of things face to face. 

But what I can tell you, if your a husband to a VN wife and you let her control you like a dog, it is highly likely that she will have very little or no respect for you because in her eyes, you are a weak man.

Oof. I really miss pinays. My gfs in Cebu and Manila took incredible care of me.  I'm recovering from a bit of pneumonia and my now gf in Saigon is like....um...ok....whatever.

Not really seeing a lot of nurturing and caring personalities here. Mostly divas or aloof women. I guess this is the price of living in a better country. Maybe I should cut the Philippines more slack. It's not perfect but now I realize why it's a popular choice.

Nielsen Flute wrote:

Oof. I really miss pinays. My gfs in Cebu and Manila took incredible care of me.  I'm recovering from a bit of pneumonia and my now gf in Saigon is like....um...ok....whatever.

Not really seeing a lot of nurturing and caring personalities here. Mostly divas or aloof women. I guess this is the price of living in a better country. Maybe I should cut the Philippines more slack. It's not perfect but now I realize why it's a popular choice.

Told you before, give the countryside a try 

I certainly am not trying to boss anyone around Andy. I too believe in equality for the sexes. And I grew up as we ushered in the women lib movement. I have always embraced the idea, in some case mote then women. Fort instance I am all for women serving in combat rolls. But in any organization there must be one who makes the decisions when agreement can not be reached. I think much of the difference in the two cultures here is the religious foundation of both. The Juedo-Christian culture have always
taught the man is the leader of the unit. I must admit I do not know the Buddhist teachings on this subject. But every Asian future I have been in the female seems more dominate. As for choosing a strong person In agree. But I think we are in some ways blind at first in matter of love. We seem to want to dismiss things we see for some reason. But over time the message become f=more clear. But then you're married with children. And just the fact of changing family dynamics exposes more negatives. After we had a child I only then learn I am not allowed to do anything with him or have any say in his upbringing. And we had discussed the subject at lengths and seemed to agree even prior to marriage. Which brings up another issue. Sometime a potential mate lies about what they want or what they believe. I try to ask leading question to expose that. Over many years I would like to think I have come up with a pretty good list of questions to sort out these things. But even then you always leave something off. Like a gal who is madly in love with you....why would you ask if she liked women. But after 15 ears of marriage she finally confesses. Who would have thunk it.
But Andy you do seem like a perfect person in every way and I commend you on that. Not an accomplishment many achieve in life. My hat is off to you.

My experience that I made in Asia (mainly China, Thailand and Vietnam, mostly in the countryside) is the following:
The woman is the person who leads the family. She has the motivation, the ideas and the necessary intelligence/instinct to manage family life.
But she lets the man and the outside world believe that the man is the head of the family.
For most men this is fine, because in Asia the saying "appearance over substance" is more true than in all other cultures.

Both my wife's father and grandfather receive a small pocket money from their wives. The women take care of everything.  And the men don't complain about it, because they could change it if they wanted to.


In my former relationships and now in my marriage there is equality. If my wife wants something or I want something then we discuss it and make a decision together.  Sometimes I win and sometimes my wife wins. That is the most normal thing in the world for me.

If I meet a woman and she wants to dominate me,I will be gone. If my wife suddenly starts tyrannizing me (she is very young and could change in the future), I will be gone. And she knows that too.
I always told her that if she stopped loving me and she started tyrannizing me, our marriage will be over and I will be gone (even if I lost my child and a lot of money).

Everyone has it in their hands to reject someone when they feel dominated or tyrannized.

If a man is too weak to do the same, he should not look for the mistake in the woman.

Hate to burst your bubble, but the problem is you.  Are you so insecure to think your worth is a US visa?  Pinays English ability, along with hosting Westerners back in the airbase days, makes them know exactly what you like to hear,  VN wives are renowned for their undying loyalty and perserverance.  Every female in world wants a stable future,,,,kids, good job, whatever.  Stop kicking your can down street, and jump out, or dive in...110% either way.

GuidoVN wrote:

Hate to burst your bubble, but the problem is you.  Are you so insecure to think your worth is a US visa?  Pinays English ability, along with hosting Westerners back in the airbase days, makes them know exactly what you like to hear,  VN wives are renowned for their undying loyalty and perserverance.  Every female in world wants a stable future,,,,kids, good job, whatever.  Stop kicking your can down street, and jump out, or dive in...110% either way.

Undying loyalty huh? I don't think so. Might be an old wives tale.

Nielsen Flute wrote:

GuidoVN wrote:

Hate to burst your bubble, but the problem is you.  Are you so insecure to think your worth is a US visa?  Pinays English ability, along with hosting Westerners back in the airbase days, makes them know exactly what you like to hear,  VN wives are renowned for their undying loyalty and perserverance.  Every female in world wants a stable future,,,,kids, good job, whatever.  Stop kicking your can down street, and jump out, or dive in...110% either way.

Undying loyalty huh? I don't think so. Might be an old wives tale.

Yeah that's a broadly sweeping stereotype and far from the truth.

wildwildwest wrote:

Nielsen Flute wrote:

GuidoVN wrote:

Hate to burst your bubble, but the problem is you.  Are you so insecure to think your worth is a US visa?  Pinays English ability, along with hosting Westerners back in the airbase days, makes them know exactly what you like to hear,  VN wives are renowned for their undying loyalty and perserverance.  Every female in world wants a stable future,,,,kids, good job, whatever.  Stop kicking your can down street, and jump out, or dive in...110% either way.

Undying loyalty huh? I don't think so. Might be an old wives tale.

Yeah that's a broadly sweeping stereotype and far from the truth.

I'm plugged into expat affairs here and hear all sorts of stories now. Girls stringing along multiple guys for each day of the week.

Hell I had a supposedly great girl I was seeing recently thats now ghosted me and messing with other guys now so not really sure where these oh so loyal stereotypes are coming from.

In D1 and expat hubs, I see foreigners with the underbelly of society. Unattractive, single moms, undercover hookers, gringo hunters, etc. Locals are doing well and are in meaningful relationships holding hands and their partners are loving. If I see a mixed couple they usually look perturbed or standoffish and distant toward each other.

It could be a language thing and I've looked into taking some lessons. Hopefully that will get me some more mileage.

in world wants a stable future,,,,kids, good job, whatever.  Stop kicking your can down street, and jump out, or dive in...110% either way.

Undying loyalty huh? I don't think so. Might be an old wives tale.

OP, Thanks for deflecting the topic and making my point :-)  I still say you are the problem.  Don't expect to find the magic answer online.  IMHO you seem to like the girl, but don't want to end up as  another putz who's lost everything (or tells the story that way).  I met a nice Pinay in Rome, Italy.  I dislike LD romances and had 'a demanding job', etc.  Nonetheless, I bit the bullet, and moved to VN to truly find out if we could be a match. 

Turns out she was the VN country director for a large retailer, and lived in HCM.  She supported her mom in PH, along with 2 useless brothers she despised.  She too worked 12x7 hour weeks, that was taking a toll on her health.  I offered, but she adamantly refused any idea a sabbatical, saying would feel nervous off the job.

4 weeks later, we broke up amicably.  My point is not to try worldwide speed dating, but to set your boundaries, and roll the dice.  You're stuck in analysis paralysis

BTW, I don't know much anything about Filipinas, never been to The Philipines.  But from the other 106 countries I have lived/worked/traveled, the more you risk in a relationship, the more you get in return.

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       "the more you risk in a relationship, the more you get in return"

        True.   But the more you research, you reduce the risk, and...

         ..a little introspection goes a long way too...         
.

VN wives are renowned for their undying loyalty and perserverance.  Every female in world wants a stable future,,,,kids, good job, whatever.  Stop kicking your can down street, and jump out, or dive in...110% either way.

    Undying loyalty huh? I don't think so. Might be an old wives tale.

Yeah that's a broadly sweeping stereotype and far from the truth.

I'll stick with my statement, there are bad ppl all over.....and the vast majority of women want stability, and men want make little copies of themselves with abandon. 

I never said it is all true, but stereotypes have been established from enough anecdotes.  IMHO the issue is not the girl involved.....it is the rest of her siblings and extended family who think they all just won the lottery.

Most of my Viet Kieu friends dislike returning to VN, because has become so expensive to return, and hand out li xi to 1,000 kids....and the killer, mung tho to 40 aunts and uncles no VK ever knew.

An unfortunate unintended consequence of 'the old wives tale' is that there is a very lucrative machmaking industry, that specialize in VN brides exclusively...and the sordid human trafficking of young  women from the Sapa area being brokered by their families.

In D1 and expat hubs, I see foreigners with the underbelly of society. Unattractive, single moms, undercover hookers, gringo hunters, etc. Locals are doing well and are in meaningful relationships holding hands and their partners are loving. If I see a mixed couple they usually look perturbed or standoffish and distant toward each other.

I like your list gringo hunters LOL....don't forget chubby chasers (a rare breed in VN).
I've never been to Lush, or Apocalypse ever in almost 10 years.  Apo sounds horrible.  But've met some nice girls in some of the Pasteur beer hug bars, and even on Bui Vien (a very long time ago)


Halong

Well - these days, I don't drink, smoke and the only drugs I ever use are the ones the doctors perscribe for me. 
That's the usual anti-malaria tables plus the others for cancer. Had to have my prostrate removed a little over one and a half years ago. SUX ! 

just in case any of you other guys don't know the side MAIN effect - the surgeons must cut through the nerves that control 'the old fella' to remove the prostrate ! 

So - that ends most of your 'normal' sex life instantly !!!   

This is a rather drastic way to find out how much your'BETTER HALF' really feels about you for your future together !!!  Money matters not withstanding.

Didn't think it could be possible, but my 'BETTER HALF' now is always checking on my health and has become even move caring and attentive !!! 

Sort of proves that somehow, I managed to win the heart of a real ANGEL !!! 

Bazza139 wrote:

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       "the more you risk in a relationship, the more you get in return"

True.   But the more you research, you reduce the risk, I hope you were not involved in the 2018 Cali brush fires..Likelihood was 100%, and Impact was 3000%  Yes, that was a great time, and 'see what happens'and... and wait and wait, perhaps doing heat maps?  If the girl is worthwhile, she will bee swept off her feet by an assertive suitor.  Womens' biological clocks put them on a diff schedule than men of the same age.

That sounds very 'cerebrally satifying'.....in many ways.  But once their hands full with a 20x yo after  their 1st orgasm, you got a 'Tiger in the Tank'....or was that a Tail?


Sounds like you may know the field of risk.  You know there are only risk reduction methods that can reduce to acceptable levels, those countermeasures each have their own costs and weaknesses.  Think she's boffing  all the Apo staff, and you check her phone?  You both lose trust. One cannot eliminate risk....only risk avoidance will (ditch her).   IMHO, it is idiotic to use most risk methods when dealing with human emotion.  If you're hedging your positions, like the gal is a hedge fund, GFL. :-)

  ..a little introspection goes a long way too...    I'm 56 now, and done enough introspection to know better than to believe more analysis will provide me an epiphany, and I'm Mozabmique bound.  If one is 23, and conducting the longest 'clarity' thread ever, about Asian girls, yes, I agree.  Relationships are always a gamble.  The best thing I learned in poker is/was 'if you can't ID the fish at the table, THE FISH IS YOU.
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OP is wise to use restraint, and caution....but it takes 2 postcards to know never to enter APO, and 2 hours during Lush ladies night to never return.  Hit Bui Vien and act normal, no N20 Zepplins, & shisha at a Hai Ba Trung enclave, (if you must) with very nice, tobacco tolerating nice girls.  Not shotgun puffing thuc lao chicks, that have a sweep on when you pass out :-)

I wish you all the best, and hope I never see any modified Dephi risk analyses on your next subject....(unless many photos.  many)

Hen Gap Lai

Nielsen Flute wrote:

Undying loyalty huh? I don't think so. Might be an old wives tale.

Sorry to bust your bubble mate, pun intended, but that is no old wives tale, is the MO of most VN wives.  The problems you see and hear about (e.g., Dist 1, gold diggers, gringo hunters etc.) are true, no one is going to deny that.  However, the problem with foreigners is that they look in the wrong places and the bad women seek out foreign men.  Let me tell you from real experience, the loyalty of a VN wife is so far off the charts that it cannot be measured.  You have to get to know more locals and see for yourself.  You will find couples who are extremely devoted, not just the women.  You can read about a VN man who was so distraught about losing his wife that he dug her up, wrapped her up and slept with her for 5 years in their home until their adult kids convinced him to put her back to rest.  I have personally seen extended family in VN where one aunt is caring for her quadriplegic husband and they have small children.  She is with him 24/7 and cares for him, feeds him, baths him, cleans him and they live in the countryside with no access to what people in the west are provided when they become disabled.  I could go on and on, but let me tell you about my wife:

1. She repeatedly tells me if I die first, she will commit suicide.  No matter what I tell her, there is no convincing her otherwise, her love is that strong.
2. Spending 2 months in the hospital and she never left my side, not ever.  All my friends and family who visited me were shocked and amazed at her amazing devotion and loyalty.
3. Every person who has met my wife all say the same thing "your wife is so sweet, you can see how much she loves you and cares for you".  Take into consideration, we live in the midwest of the USA.
4. If i get a scratch on my body, my wife acts like somebody stabbed me 100 times.  She will immediately go into her nurse mode and trust me, there is no Nurse I have met can come close to her ability to care for me, even the 2 months in the hospital.  Yes, she watched the Nurses like a hawk.
5. Our beautiful baby girl was just born on Tuesday, want to take a guess who she looks to for advice?  Not the doctors or the Nurses, ME. 
6. Finally, have you ever had a person love you so much that you actually not only know it, but it is implanted deeply into your heart and soul and there is absolutely no doubt about her love, devotion and loyalty to you and your family.

I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture.  Please, do not generalize and stereotype VN women in a bad light, it only makes you look uneducated on this subject matter.  In addition, I am not the exception, she is the norm. 

My advice to you guys who have those bad experiences, we understand you, but you can do better, trust us.  You have to realize the bad girls are looking for western men and yes, they are sweet as honey as well.  It is hard to distinguish, but as i have repeatedly advised, you need to stay away from those places like D1 etc.  I know it is not easy, but if you live in VN, you should be able to find a decent VN woman, you just have to look in the right places.

I did not mean to write a book, but I have to defend VN women because I am lucky enough to know, understand and respect, who in my opinion, are some of the most amazing women on the planet, period.

I date aggressively here and the women are incredibly conceited and selfish. I don't live in D1. It's been about 3 months.

I'll get into specific examples later.

Nielsen Flute wrote:

I date aggressively here and the women are incredibly conceited and selfish. I don't live in D1. It's been about 3 months.

I'll get into specific examples later.

When you started this thread, I suspected you were a troll.

Since then you've gone from fretting over a woman who sounded like everything you wanted a woman to be, except she had a life of her own, to...

Now, instead of continuing to look for honest assistance here, you've morphed your own thread into a bash-em-all hate fest.

The worst trolls are the ones who don't even realize what they are doing and why.

I for one won't be sucked into the mud with you.

As others have joined me in saying, you are the one who needs to change.

Quit going to the meat market to find vegetarians...

OceanBeach92107 wrote:

Nielsen Flute wrote:

I date aggressively here and the women are incredibly conceited and selfish. I don't live in D1. It's been about 3 months.

I'll get into specific examples later.

When you started this thread, I suspected you were a troll.

Since then you've gone from fretting over a woman who sounded like everything you wanted a woman to be, except she had a life of her own, to...

Now, instead of continuing to look for honest assistance here, you've morphed your own thread into a bash-em-all hate fest.

The worst trolls are the ones who don't even realize what they are doing and why.

I for one won't be sucked into the mud with you.

As others have joined me in saying, you are the one who needs to change.

Quit going to the meat market to find vegetarians...

I think I sound like a sensible enough person for you to give me some consideration instead of always jumping at my throat.