LETS HAVE A LAUGH BUT NO FILTH

I got a part in a movie called "Cocaine". Sadly, I only got one line.

    I got a part in a movie called "Cocaine". Sadly, I only got one line.
   

    -@Aidan in HCMC

"...Don't forget this fact, you can't get it back...“ ~ J. J. Cale

DURING a revival meeting, the evangelist invited people in need to the stage.

Brother,” he said to the first respondent, “what is your need?”

“My hearing,” the man answered.

The evangelist stuck his finger in the man’s ear and prayed.

“How’s your hearing now?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” the man replied. “It’s not till next Tuesday.”

I got a part in a movie called "Cocaine". Sadly, I only got one line.        -@Aidan in HCMC

"...Don't forget this fact, you can't get it back...“ ~ J. J. Cale
      -@OceanBeach92107

Artie Lange knows, and Artie Lange's nose.

The greatest "High" I feel is when I'm spending some real quality time with friends and family, sharing good food and conversation.

Just kidding. It's weed.

A teetotaler is seated next to a rock star on a flight to

Texas. After the plane takes off, the musician orders

a whiskey and soda.

“And the same for you?” the flight attendant

asks the teetotaler.

“I'd rather be tied up and ravaged by crazed women

than let liquor touch my lips,” he snorts.

“Here,” says the rocker, handing back his drink. “I

didn’t know we had a choice.”

I had a dream last night

@goodolboy

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....!

    I had a dream last night




-@goodolboy

I had to take a second look.

At first glance, I was reminded of a stack of chamber pots... (my Army hospitals background)

Civilians call it a "bathroom", because they take baths in it. The air-force calls it a "lavatory", because they use it to freshen up. The army calls it a "latrine", because they use it to take a dump. So why is it the navy calls it the "head"?

        I had a dream last night-@goodolboy

I had to take a second look.

At first glance, I was reminded of a stack of chamber pots... (my Army hospitals background)
   

    -@OceanBeach92107

Rob and Tom apply for the same job. They take a written test.

“You both got the same number of questions wrong,” the HR

person tells them, “but Rob gets the job.”

“If we both got the same number of questions wrong,how

come he gets the job?” Tom asks indignantly.

“Well,” says the HR person,“one of his incorrect answers was

better than yours.”

“Whoa, how can that be?”

“For problem No. 46, Rob wrote, 'I don’t know.’ You wrote,‘Me neither.”

Guy's sitting in a mall, and strikes up a conversation with the person sitting next to him.

"Just look at that young person with the short hair and the blue jeans. I can't even tell if they're a girl or a boy!"

"She's a girl! And she's my daughter, I'll have you know!"

Guy says, "Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father."

"I'm not. I'm her mother."

So, on the suggestion of a friend, I posed a question to Googles AI, BARD.

Here's the question posed to it, and its response.

(to view full size, click here)

Brilliant, I tells 'ya!

Bloody brilliant!

@Aidan in HCMC

“I am not a deceased survivor.”

There's a woman I knew in Saigon who was stunning! She owned a taser.

Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.

@goodolboy

Go for it.

Looks like it would lose at least half

    @goodolboy
Go for it.
Looks like it would lose at least half
        -@MyGuess

?

best to use the "quote" function, as opposed to the "reply" function, so we'll know which of the member's posts you are replying to

This is Serbian joke: Neigbhour  went unannounced  to another one's house across the street and bumped into his kid sitting at potty.  Dad came into room,  they said hello to each other, talked bit and neighbour told the father, "Look, I know what your son will become!" Tell me, my friend? A Politician! How you know that?! Well , he is doing shit and looking us straight in our eyes 😂

There's a report out of Saigon of two men breaking into a drug store and stealing a large shipment of Viagra.

The police have advised the public to be on the lookout for two hardened criminals.

"Our family doesn't even have a weird uncle", thinks man moments before realizing he's the weird uncle.

the developer at Celadon City Diamond has just completed the circular road round the development & every 100 yards they have completed painting zebra crossings (pedestrian crossings). Bit optimistic that one I think & they could have saved the money spent on paint! Anyone who has lived here long or even short term will understand why this post is in the "lets have a laugh" heading!!

Concerned when one of his most reliable workers doesn’t show up, the boss calls the employee’s home. The phone is answered by a giggling child.

“Is your dad home?” the boss asks.

“Yes."

“May I speak to him?”

“No.”

“Well, can I speak to your mom?”

“No. She’s with the policeman.”

Alarmed, the boss says, “Gosh. Well then, may I speak with the policeman?”

“No. He’s busy talking to the man in the helicopter that’s bringing in the search team.”

“My Lord!” says the boss, now really worried. “What are they searching for?”

“Me,” the kid chortles.

I always sucked at math, so perhaps you can imagine my mom's disbelief when I brought home a score of "90" on a math test.

She immediately threatened me that my dad would beat the heck out of me unless I admitted I'd added a "0" to my usual dismal score.

Through crying and kneeling and prolific promises they finally realized I must be telling the truth.

...and I was.

They still had enough faith in my potential that it simply never occurred to them that I might have added the "9"...

😁

Lying on her deathbed, a woman tells her husband of 60 years that he can finally open the chest at the foot of the bed, which had been off-limits to him throughout their marriage. Much to his surprise, he finds three ears of corn and $100,000 inside. “Why are there three ears of corn in here?” he asks.

“Every time I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn in the chest.”

“I forgive you,” said the husband. “But what about the $100,000?”

“Every time I got a bushel of corn, I sold it.”

@OceanBeach92107

I failed math so many times, I can't even count

@OceanBeach92107

LOL!!!

sorry dont get that one

    -@OceanBeach92107

    sorry dont get that one    -@OceanBeach92107
   

    -@goodolboy

The Honeymooners...

sorry dont get that one   -@goodolboy

The Honeymooners...-@OceanBeach92107

I remember as a kid splitting my sides laughing at this episode. I was, even at that young age, amazed at how well Ed Norton could dance (Link to YouTube 4 minute video)

    sorry dont get that one   
   

    -@goodolboy

It's a 'Mercan thing.   

Perhaps your transformation to goodolboy is not complete.

amazed at how well Ed Norton could dance (Link to YouTube 4 minute video)
   

    -@Aidan in HCMC

Gleason was not bad either.   I am nowhere near the size of Gleason but that reminds me of when my cardiologist told me "Not bad for a fat guy."   I nearly fell off the treadmill laughing.

A mobster discovers that his deaf accountant has cheated him out of ten million bucks. He confronts him, bringing along an interpreter. “Ask him where the money is,” the mobster says.

The interpreter does so, and the accountant signs back, “What are you talking about?”

The interpreter tells the godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The mobster puts a pistol to the bookkeeper’s head. “Ask him again!”

The interpreter signs, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him!”

“Okay, okay!” the bookkeeper signs back. “The money is buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard!”

“What'd he say?” asks the don.

“He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”