LETS HAVE A LAUGH BUT NO FILTH

colinoscapee wrote:

goodolboy wrote:

colinoscapee wrote:

What if he marries his stepmother?

OFFS thats real swampy stuff!!

The thing is....it does happen!!

Thinking on the positive side & we all should be tolerant & broad minded in this day & age...right?

Friend of mine a farmers son in the North Scotland got married.

Taking the marriage vows the minister said

div you Willie take Molly tae be yer wedded wife? I div said Willie.

Div you Molly take Willie tae be yer wedded husband? baaaaaaaaa said Molly.

goodolboy wrote:

colinoscapee wrote:

goodolboy wrote:

OFFS thats real swampy stuff!!

The thing is....it does happen!!

Thinking on the positive side & we all should be tolerant & broad minded in this day & age...right?

Friend of mine a farmers son in the North Scotland got married.

Taking the marriage vows the minister said

div you Willie take Molly tae be yer wedded wife? I div said Willie.

Div you Molly take Willie tae be yer wedded husband? baaaaaaaaa said Molly.


https://i.postimg.cc/0MVcFkX7/molly.png

Jerry Springer Show eat your heart out...That was only a horse.

sanooku wrote:

goodolboy wrote:

colinoscapee wrote:

The thing is....it does happen!!

Thinking on the positive side & we all should be tolerant & broad minded in this day & age...right?

Friend of mine a farmers son in the North Scotland got married.

Taking the marriage vows the minister said

div you Willie take Molly tae be yer wedded wife? I div said Willie.

Div you Molly take Willie tae be yer wedded husband? baaaaaaaaa said Molly.


https://i.postimg.cc/0MVcFkX7/molly.png

Jerry Springer Show eat your heart out...That was only a horse.

takes all kinds these days, after all we we are told every day we must be tolerant & have understanding of minority groups!!

Workout Tip

To tone up and add a little upper body strength.

Get 2 10 lb potato bags. Go out into your yard and hold one in each hand. Slowly lift until your arms are straight out at shoulder level. Try to hold for 5 seconds.

When you can hold for 5 seconds and 10 reps move up to 20 lb potato bags. Repeat as above.

Way to go your really progressing. Continue increasing the and pushing your limit. When you finally get to 50 lb bags and can hold them at shoulder level for 5 seconds and 10 reps its time to really ratchet things up as you have really toned up and increased your strength.

You are now ready to add a few potatoes to the bags.....

goodolboy wrote:

You are now ready to add a few potatoes to the bags.....

A guy phones a law firm and says:
“I want to speak to my lawyer.”
The receptionist says:
“I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week.”
The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says:
“I want to speak to my lawyer.”
Once again the receptionist replies:
“I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week.”
The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and says:
“I want to speak to my lawyer.”
“Excuse me sir,” the receptionist says, “but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?”
The guy replies, “Because I love hearing it!”

My wife and I decided we'll need a vacation once the world re-opens. I taped a world
map to the refrigerator, gave my wife a magnetic dart, and said, “Wherever it lands is
our vacation spot!”

Seems we'll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.



Thanks to:
—Joseph Hubisz
Bradford, New Hampshire

Travelfar wrote:

My wife and I decided we'll need a vacation once the world re-opens. I taped a world
map to the refrigerator, gave my wife a magnetic dart, and said, “Wherever it lands is
our vacation spot!”

Seems we'll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.



Thanks to:
—Joseph Hubisz
Bradford, New Hampshire

If I did it it would probably land in the kitty litter tray seeing i'm always in the S*&^ 

What do you call a Vietnamese who can speak English? Bilingual.

What do you call an American who can speak Vietnamese?

A miracle.



<Paraphrasing a Reddit posting>

Travelfar wrote:

What do you call a Vietnamese who can speak English? Bilingual.

What do you call an American who can speak Vietnamese?

A miracle.



<Paraphrasing a Reddit posting>

I must say, Kyo York is very good at tieng Viet.

Travelfar wrote:

What do you call a Vietnamese who can speak English? Bilingual.

What do you call an American who can speak Vietnamese?

A miracle.

If you watch a talk show on YouTube or FB called Vợ Chồng Son (Newlyweds), you'll see a good number of foreigners who speak Vietnamese fluently, either without or with very little (foreign) accent. 

French, English, American, Australian, Eastern Europeans, and other Asian countries, the men who went on that show were witty, able to drop idioms, sarcasm, and regional jokes left and right.  Saying I'm impressed with them is a massive understatement.  I'm truly in awe.  I would've thought they spend their entire lives learning Vietnamese, but no, most of them said it took them a couple years at most.

Ciambella wrote:

If you watch a talk show on YouTube or FB called Vợ Chồng Son (Newlyweds), you'll see a good number of foreigners who speak Vietnamese fluently, either without or with very little (foreign) accent.

Without actually having looked at the YouTubes, I suspect that the common element for almost all of them is youth.  They may be well past what language teachers call the "critical period," usually about seven, but they all likely have 100% of their hearing.  Hearing loss naturally begins around 40, and even sooner for people who work in an industrial environment or a big city.  Because of tonality, very accurate hearing is a requirement for Vietnamese not needed for other languages.

Today I had coffee with:

Mr. Trần
Mr. Lê
Mr. Phạm
Mr. Huỳnh
Mr. Hoàng
Mr. Phan
Mr. Vũ
Mr. Võ
and
Mr. Đặng

It was "a no-Nguyễn situation"...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFtYhD2g0yM

For those who are looking to buy new motorbikes ..... be nice!

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

THE WORST THING ABOUT CATCHING THE CAT DRINKING FROM MY
WATER GLASS?  WONDERING HOW MANY TIMES I DIDN'T CATCH HER.

–Writer Kelley Armstrong

A mom texts, “Hi! Son, what do IDK, LY and TTYL mean?”

He texts back, “I don't know, love you and talk to you later.”

The mom replies, “It's OK, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister. Love
you too.”

—LAUGHFACTORY.COM

A wife stood in front of a mirror then turned to her husband and said, "I feel old, fat and ugly—pay me a compliment"

Her husband looked up and said, "Well. Your eyesight is spot on!"

                                                                             JENNY MACKENZIE, via email

A couple dining at a restaurant both ordered steak. As the waitress placed their plates on the table, they noticed the strange way she was holding them.

“You've got your thumbs on our steaks!” complained the wife.

“You don't want me to drop them again, do you?” the waitress replied.

                                                                                    REG WELLARD

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages. The wife was a romantic type, and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon, the wife decided to send her husband a text. She wrote, “If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are crying, send me your tears. And if you are sleeping, send me your dreams. I love you.”

Her husband texted back, “I'm on the toilet, please advise.”

                                        The Friar's Club

***

Egg-streme Measures

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said. “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

“We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

“Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?”


The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.”

FROM THE INTERNET

goodolboy wrote:

Toe truck

<groan>

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

Travelfar wrote:

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Travelfar wrote:

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

I have a feeling his disappearance was premeditated, probably when he purchased the clever gift, not by his wife as we're led to believe.  That makes Bob a twice as clever man.

Found this on social media:

Ciambella wrote:

Found this on social media:

https://i.postimg.cc/qzk1sQ7x/231249630 … 7474-n.jpg

A man goes to his doctor. After his exam, the doc asks if there's anything else he wants to ask. Man says, my wife seems to be losing her hearing and I'm worried.

Doc says, when you go home, say something to your wife from across the room. If she doesn't answer, walk half way across the room and ask again. If she doesn't answer, walk half the distance and ask again. Keep doing this until you're standing right beside her.

The man leaves the doctor's office and goes home. Walks into the kitchen where his wife is preparing dinner. He says to her, "Hi honey. What's for dinner?" No response so he walks half way across the kitchen and says again, "Hi honey. What's for dinner?" No response so he walks almost up to her and says again, "Hi honey. What's for dinner?" No response so he walks right up to her at the stove and says, "Hi honey. What's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the tenth time, we're having chicken."

Lennerd wrote:

"For the tenth time, we're having chicken."

As someone who really has lost part of his hearing, I can certainly relate to this.  I have to constantly remind my wife that if she wants me to hear what she is saying, she will have to come into the same room that I am in.   

Sorry to my fellow teachers for the supposed grammatical error of ending on a preposition. 

THIGV wrote:

Lennerd wrote:

"For the tenth time, we're having chicken."

As someone who really has lost part of his hearing, I can certainly relate to this.  I have to constantly remind my wife that if she wants me to hear what she is saying, she will have to come into the same room that I am in.   

Sorry to my fellow teachers for the supposed grammatical error of ending on a preposition. 

Yes, please remember the definition:  "A preposition is something that you never end a sentence with."

THIGV wrote:

Sorry to my fellow teachers for the supposed grammatical error of ending on a preposition. 

Travelfar wrote:

Yes, please remember the definition:  "A preposition is something that you never end a sentence with."

And also remember, "this is the sort of arrant pedantry up with which I will not put"  (supposed to be from Churchill).