Feeling helpless.

If your partner is not open and forthcoming about this information, and if you cannot find anything regarding your partner's relationship status on a social media platform, then unfortunately it might be time to just come right out and ask them.

Hi Zorinn,

I did ask him, we have had trust issues in the past but somehow he managed to convince me that it was all in my head. I just want to be sure before making a big decision as I know he will try to convince me otherwise.

Well, what kind of red flags are you seeing? Have you met his friends? His family? What kind of "big step" are you referring to taking?

I met his friends, but not his family because they live in a another city. He wants me to move and live together. The red flags would be lying about small things he didn't have to like his career, and I've also suspected he was speaking to other women before but I couldn't confirm. There are areas in his life that he keeps me in the dark about. Writing this makes me feel so stupid, but I can't help it, I just need an answer so I can finally move on.

It is really none of my business, so please don't take it the wrong way. But please ditch this man asap. When somebody already starts lying in the beginning of a relationship, what do you think will happen after 20 years of marriage? If he is single now, that is. If he is already married,  the situation speaks for itself. It is too bad that you cannot take a look in official registers due to privacy laws. But please, make no big decisions and burn no bridges for this man! He seems to be just not worth having you as a partner!
Good luck!

I think you have given yourself the answer already, you're just having trouble accepting it. Lying about something like his career is not a small thing. If you are already having suspicions about him and other women this early into your relationship, how can you expect to spend and share your life with this person? I think you know what you have to do, you just might need support in finally closing that door..

Yes I think it time for me to end everything. I just wanted to be 100% sure, I guess ill never find out. I just feel so bad. Sometimes you have to hear from someone else. Thank you Angelika and zorrin for your input.

Sadanddistressed wrote:

I met his friends, but not his family because they live in a another city. He wants me to move and live together. The red flags would be lying about small things he didn't have to like his career, and I've also suspected he was speaking to other women before but I couldn't confirm. There are areas in his life that he keeps me in the dark about. Writing this makes me feel so stupid, but I can't help it, I just need an answer so I can finally move on.

Living in another city then himself is not an excuse not to meet his family, especially in this digital world. Like some other members already said, lying about normal subjects is definitely a red flag, just as letting you in the dark about some other parts of his personality, life and past.
The Dutch are open and have friends of both genders and all walks of life so it's quite normal to have female friends for him. It will be different if he's lying about it.
Unfortunately for you there's no way to find out as the privacy is on many levels protected.
Unless you are wealthy enough to hire a private investigator.

You haven't said how you met each other and you don't need to share it here but if it's online or through a dating site you need to be very careful. That alone can be a huge red flag.
Maybe you are able to visit the Netherlands or he can visit you or eventually in a neutral country. But best will be if you can spend time together so you can see him in real life and how he's living and behaving towards others: family, friends etcetera.

Keep also in mind he need to earn enough to facilitate you and you have to learn Dutch before you can settle in the Netherlands.

Wish you all the best and good luck.

Hi, this also might be none of my business either but this really sounds shady. You should never make big life commitments towards someone that isn't even capable of being completely honest with you. Also, trust your intuition. It seems like you already feel that this might be the wrong step for you. Ditch him, I think you deserve way better.

Good luck though, I hope everything works out the best for you

Hi

My heart went out to you when I read this, I arrived in the Netherlands in December 2020, to join my partner (British, who is working in the Netherlands from February 2019.

I have met his family and friends and we have a 3 year old daughter. Let me tell you the red flags and signs were there but I uprooted my kids and gave up my entire life - (a very good life ) in my country to come to a totally living hell here.

Turns out he is and openly admits a narcissist, has mental and addition issues and has been psychically abuse to me since we arrived.

I am unfortunately stuck for now until I find employment to get out with my kids so Please take my advise- it’s not worth it!!!!

Trust issues don’t just go away, I believe some people are inherently compulsive liars and deceitful to their core. Trust your instincts.

Good luck with whatever choice you make.🌷