Lets crack a joke in this stress life

Philosophy 101.

Instructor...  ¨Johnny, state the difference

between ignorance and apathy.¨

Johnny...  ¨I don't know and I don't care!¨

Did you hear about the manicurist that married the dentist?

They fought tooth and nail.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head and orders a shot of whiskey.  The bartender pours the shot while trying to discreetly peer at the paper towel.  The bartender is not one to prod any of his customers about personal matters so he keeps quiet.  After downing the first shot, the pirate orders another round.  Now the bartender can't contain himself and finally musters to ask the pirate "I'm not one to ask in personal matters, but I have to ask, what in the heck are you doing with a paper towel on your head?"  The pirate says "Aaargh, I've got a bounty on my head"

At a party, a woman admonished her husband,

¨That's the fourth time you've gone back for

cake and ice cream!  Doesn't that embarrass you...¨

The husband responded, ¨Not at all,

I keep telling them it's for you.¨

Two newborns were in adjacent cribs in the hospital nursery and one of the babies exclaims to the other "Guess what, I'm a baby boy".  The other baby asks how he knows.  The first baby lifts up his blanket and says "Look, blue booties!"

Riddle me this...

Who was bigger, Mrs. Bigger or her baby?

(Answer printed below.)

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Answer...

The baby was a little Bigger.

"I may be stupid, but I'm not Irish"

--Joe Biden

Last Saturday night while I was sleeping, the ghost of Gloria Gaynor appeared at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto

A Mexican magician said he will disappear on the count of three:

"Uno"

"Dos"

POOF

He disappeared without a tres.

Keepin' it Kosher.

A rabbi saw the head of his congregation,

Schmuel, through a delicatessen window,

eating a ham sandwich.

The next week, the rabbi saw Schmuel

eating a beefsteak with dairy milk at the

same deli.

At Friday services, the rabbi called

Schmuel aside to talk.

¨Schmuel,¨the rabbi said, ¨last week

I saw you at the deli eating ham.¨

¨You saw that, rabbi,¨ Schmuel asked?

¨I did,¨said the rabbi, ¨and this week

I saw you having milk and meat.¨

¨You saw that, rabbi?¨ Schmuel asked.

¨Yes, I saw that too.¨

¨Well, then it's all right,¨said Schmuel.

¨It was under rabbinical supervision.¨

I once made the mistake of buying shoes from a drug dealer.

I'm not sure what he laced them with but I was tripping all day!

There was a terrible murder last night in our small quiet town.  The police found the victim dead in bathtub filled with milk.  When they pulled the body out, they discovered a banana had been stuffed in his butt.

So far, they have no suspects but they are sure that the murderer is a cereal killer.

What happens to the energizer rabbit if you reverse the polarity of his batteries?

He keeps coming and coming and coming.

In church during prayers, a kid sat in corner next to an old man,

the kid farted and looked at the old man!

the old man pretend nothing happeneds,

the kid farted again and stared at the old man,

the old pushed him gently towards the wall away from him,

the kid farted once more and said "affftttttt" and exit the church

when the prayers finished, everyone looked at the old man!!

the old man thought "who in the world would belive it was that kid!", so, he took his things, left silently.

Who would do more than the old man!

I was so bored last night.

I saw an ant in my kitchen & placed a sugar cube in front of him.

He ate a bit of it, then went to tell his friends.

I hid the sugar cube quickly, coz I wanted his friends to think he was a liar.

was so bored last night.

I saw an ant in my kitchen & placed a sugar cube in front of him.

He ate a bit of it, then went to tell his friends.

I hid the sugar cube quickly, coz I wanted his friends to think he was a liar.

Pardon the Interruption, but I'm cccmedia.

A signature moment of ESPN's program

Pardon the Interruption is when hosts

Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon open

the show, typically with a moment of

humorous banter.

Usually, the topic is not of existential importance.

Today's program was an exception.

The old ESPN vet Kornheiser was less worried

about existential matters and more concerned

about having to do extra work, namely contributing

to a segment on the network's signature program

SportsCenter.

Wilbon:  Pardon the Interruption ..

but I'm Michael Wilbon.  Tony, scientists say

a massive asteroid is heading towards Earth

at more than 50,000 miles an hour.

Kornheiser:  Do you think it can get here

before we have to do the SportsCenter segment?

Take a deep breath.  The asteroid is not even close to us.

There's no need to be any more concerned about that

asteroid than Tony Kornheiser is.

According to my research, the HZ4 asteroid has already

passed Earth at a distance of over 6 million kilometers,

traveling with some other asteroids in the Amor Group,

none of which was expected to breach the Earth's orbit.

cccmedia

The circus came into town and two friends who are coworkers decide to go on opening night. The tent is packed with a rambunctious crowd of people. At one point in the performance, the ringmaster bellows to the crowd that they will witness the strongest man on the planet. Out comes a massive, husky, muscle on muscle he-man. The ringmaster proclaims that to prove his strength, he will take an orange and compress it till it's pure pulp. After the strongman squeezes all of the juice into a dry pulp, the ringmaster challenges anyone in the audience to squeeze any more juice from the orange and he will be rewarded with $10,000.

Two burly man take their turns in squeezing the orange but to no avail. One of the two friends raises his hand shouting he is man enough. The crowd roars with laughter because the gentleman is a balding middle-aged man with skinny legs and a small pooch belly. He walks to the table determinedly, picks up the rind and starts to manipulate what was the orange. Finally, he grasps the orange firmly and squeezes with all his might. A small drizzle of juice flows down the rind and falls onto the ground. The ringmaster along with everyone else is stunned. "My God, this has never happened, how in the world did this happen?". The small statured man says "It's very logical, I am an accountant."

A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood.  The rabbit turns to the nurse and says "I think I'm a Type-O"

A group of nuns are painting their convent on a hot summer day.  Mother Superior tells them to hurry up and finish because the blind man is coming. The nuns get so hot from working in the heat that one suggests they take their tops off to cool down assuming it will be Ok around the blind man.  The blind man arrives and says "Nice breasts. Where do you want the blinds?"

"My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas"

"When all is said and done,  more will be said than done."

    -- Pseudo Voltaire, commenter at washingtonpost.com

What's the difference between an Asian and an African elephant? One's an elephant.

Hi sorry nothing to do with the joke. but does anyone have an email address for unitel office in sal. many thanks

    11/17/23 Hi sorry nothing to do with the joke. but does anyone have an email address for unitel office in sal. many thanks
   

    -@dbrethers

Their site lists phone numbers for the three offices on Sal, but not the emails.

You should try sending an email here with your questions about service on Sal:

https://www.uniteltmais.cv/index.php/so … t/contacto

Or try posting in the Cape Verde Forum:

https://www.expat.com/forum/viewforum.php?id=81

headline;

RECENT VIETNAM IMMIGRANT

BEATEN BY POLICE AFTER

TWICE ASKING HIS NAME

"I have lost all confidence in our police", exclaimed Phuc Yeu.

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

I’m using a Yamaha surround sound system.

A woman in the delivery room started yelling "Shouldn't", "Wouldn't", "Don't", "We've"!!  The doctor soothingly told her husband, "Don't worry those are just contractions"

The baby started to poop soon after he had eaten and then stopped suddenly.  The father told his wife that he only had pooped 67% so far.  Mom asked the father how he could know that.  The father said "Look, only two turds"

A friend decided to have his wedding in France.  During the reception, the best man got up in front of everyone, raised his champagne glass and shouted "Bread, Eggs, Maple Syrup & Cinnamon".  It was a French Toast.

A buddy of mine in Saigon asked me if I could get him a little bag of coke.

"No problem", I said. "I'll be right back"

@Aidan in HCMC you just made it so literal... this is so funny!!

Rene Descartes walked into a bar and ordered a martini. "Would you like an olive with that", asked the bartender. "I think not", replied Rene and POOF!, he disappeared.

A Roman centurion walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says,

"Five beer, please"

Another Roman centurion walks into a bar and orders a martinus.

The bartender says, "You mean a martini, right?"

Roman says, "If I wanted a double I would have asked for it."

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, "Dry?"

The German replies, "Nein, one."

During my early years, I lost my job and had no savings.  I couldn't even pay my electricity bill.  Those were the darkest days of my life.

I told my wife my wish was to die while having sex.  She remarked "At least it'll be quick"

After persistent pestering from my wife, I finally relented and went to the doctor about my hearing issues.  The doctor asked "Can you describe the symptoms?"  I responded "It's about a self centered fat guy named Homer whose life revolves around food and his well-meaning blue haired wife, Marge"

Have you heard of the new Origami Porn channel?  It's paper view only.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce....We just couldn't see eye to eye.

Also, I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, "Dry?"The German replies, "Nein, one." -@Aidan in HCMC

Ouch

@Fred

A blind guy walks into a bar...and a chair...and a table...

@FredA blind guy walks into a bar...and a chair...and a table... -@Aidan in HCMC

Double Ouch!

A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walked into a bar.

The rabbit Complained about the spell checker.

I thought this thread was about humour?

I thought this thread was about humour? -@kengill

No. It is about humor.

Oh right the American spelling for humour . That explains why there is no humour 🤣

I thought this thread was about humour? -@kengillNo. It is about humor. -@Jackson4

U might think so, but I think it's about humour

Oh right the American spelling for humour . That explains why there is no humour 🤣 -@kengill

I tend to find American humour to be forced rather than funny.

I tried to watch their comedians, but most are either crap, or rely on swearing to try to raise a laugh.

They tend to miss out actual humour as they tend to miss out Us.

Look at Friends. 200+ shows, and hardly a laugh to be heard.