Relationships/Dating......possible move to puerto rico, but...

Hi and welcome to Expat.com a_c!

When are you moving there?
I hope other members will provide you with some advices soon.

Regards
Armand

You are a foreigner? What country are you from?? Do you know PuertoRico is part of the US?  Maybe before you worry about dating you might want to try to give something to a new prospective community you want to join.....you meet lots of different people that way.

(I should change my username to "I_like_to_write_essays_when_procrastinating"

Xenophobia is the uglier and nastier cousin of tribalism. And since tribalism has proved to be such a successful survival strategy for humanity xenophobia has managed to to linger as one of our biggest sins. Puerto Rico is no exception to this. However, I am convinced that prejudice against Americans in the island is nowhere near as high as some people make it out to be. I would like to share with you some of my observations as a local. But I will never be treated as a foreigner here so I can't tell you how expats and visitors feel when they come here.

Some local behavior can be misconstrued as prejudice

1. Shyness and shame. My mom is a really nice person and she gets along really well with most people. However, if an anglophone starts a conversation with her she might try to cut it short. She doesn't do this out of a disdain of "foreigners". She does this because her conversational English is subpar and she is embarrassed by this. English as a second language is taught at every level in our schools but because we don't get many chances to practice it and because our educational system is not very good most of us never master the language.

2. Bad service. Many tourists take the slow service of the island personally. But if you spend enough time on the island you'll learn that slow service affects everyone equally and without bias. And I even know of places that take extra precautions with "foreigners" because of this misperception. For example, I know of a restaurant that won't sit African Americans in the back because a few of them have complained wrongly that this has been done to them intentionally because of the color of their skin.

Some actions by "foreigners" can induce xenophobic responses

1. The refusal to learn Spanish. This is seen by many as a form of American ethnocentrism. However, this can be easily dissipated by some basic and broken Spanish because it shows the locals that you're trying to make an effort.

2. Expecting the locals to behave like the people back home. You're in a different land. People will behave differently.

3. Complaining about things not being as great as in the USA. We are aware of the fact that we're poorer and less educated than most Americans. We're aware of the fact that we've got more crime and worse infrastructure. We know that we're not the tropical paradise that is shown in the post cards. We know all of these things. And being reminded of them causes us pain and makes us get defensive. But don't get me wrong, we welcome constructive criticism and laud constructive actions. For example, American expats are a great force for fighting the overpopulation of stray animals on the island. Save a Gato and Save a Sato are great examples of this. And one of the expats in this forum has become a one man dog rescue operation. I won't reveal his identity, but let's say that his username starts with a Gre and ends with a ggK. And a popular Expat.comger who loves spelunking has rescued more cats than me and my GF combined. These people are heroes to us.

4. Expecting the locals to behave like a stereotype. (Or how Puerto Rico isn't Epcot Center) I've heard tourists complain about the lack of Salsa music in every pub, regardless of the fact that Salsa music is Cuban pop music from the 70s that was perfected in New York City and popularized by Puerto Ricans. Don't expect Puerto Ricans to be trapped in a spacetime bubble. We are influenced by international culture as much as everyone else on the planet. And even the things that are considered to be staples of Puerto Rican culture are the results of internationality. Complaining about Puerto Ricans playing rock music is as ridiculous as complaining about Led Zeppelin and Elvis Presley playing African American music.

Things that you can do to improve your social experiences on the island

1. Learn Spanish. Try to imagine how hard it would be for a Puerto Rican who doesn't speak English to make friends on a predominantly English speaking part of the USA. He would have to restrict himself to interacting with fellow Hispanics.

2. Visit places where locals and expats meet. My favorite bar is an Irish pub that is co-owned by an Irish man who came to the island after having fallen in love with a Puerto Rican woman. He speaks very little Spanish but he has many fans. And the Puerto Ricans who hang out at this place are open to speaking in both English and Spanish. Something similar happens at El Lúpulo tavern in Old San Juan, and in the northwest coast these interactions can be quite common. Some places even have "gringo nights". (Gringo isn't used as an insult unless it is accompanied by a derogatory modifier)

3. Stay away from ignorant and hateful people. This is universal advice, but it will be extra useful on the island. I don't see a lot of Anti American behavior because I don't hang out with xenophobes. That's why I can say with pride that I am biased. You should follow my example.

Anti American behavior is not systemic.

According to the local referendums less than 5% of the local population want the island to separate itself from the USA. Contrast that with some of the polls that have been conducted in Texas for an eye opening perspective. And about 46% of the local population want the island to be a state. However, it is universally known that radical minorities tend to speak louder so Anti American behavior will sometimes appear to be more prevalent than it is. And the Anti American friends that I've had have been critical of the government of the USA and not of the people who are ruled by it.

Some isolation is inevitable.

If you don't speak Spanish you will have a smaller pool of people to interact with. And of that small pool of people only those who master the English language will be able to form meaningful relationships with you.

And when you go to gatherings and parties some people will be able to talk to you and some people will not. This will cause some awkward moments with intermediaries trying to be inclusive of everyone by providing translations. And a lot of people will avoid that altogether.

Being an American might be beneficial in dating.

Believe it or not, you will be considered to be exotic by the locals. And many local men will seek you out precisely because of this. (Real redheads, for example, are like mythical unicorns in Puerto Rico.)

Getting rejected by xenophobes might actually be beneficial.

Prejudice will serve you as a filter. People who are xenophobic and ignorant are people who you don't want to interact with. But sometimes we find out about these traits too late and after we've made some great emotional investments. You won't have this problem because you will learn right away about those who are not worthy of your friendship.

Some of the best Puerto Ricans were at some point foreigners.

Tony Croatto, one of the strongest forces behind Puerto Rican music and culture and one of the most beloved Puerto Ricans of all time was born in Italy. If you want to hear Puerto Rican folk music you've got to get his records. Jack Delano, an American Photographer that was born in the Ukraine, was one of the greatest historians of the 20th century in Puerto Rico. If you want to contrast Puerto Rican life through the decades you've got to get his book Puerto Rico Mío. And he and his wife made some significant contributions to Puerto Rican art and one of his films, Los Peloteros, is considered by many to be the greatest Puerto Rican film ever made.

The one realization that you will have to deal with.

You will be a minority for the first time of your life. And a lot of people never learn to deal with this. But millions of people throughout the world have to deal with this every day. You will get used to this easier if you look at it as a challenge or as an adventure.

Good luck on your travels.

What an intelligent, insightful, in depth, polite, honest, respectful and thoughtful response. Bravo! I can honestly say that I am proud to know you Adolfo. You are a man of wisdom way beyond your years.

Gregg

Wise words indeed, Adolfo. I think your point in the first Paragraph 1 is particularly salient. I agree that Anti-Americanism is probably overblown. I don't say that to disparage others who may hold a contrary view. I base that statement simply on a gauge of my own experiences.

I've been intimately involved in life in PR for more than a decade and I've only experienced ethnic/national chauvinism once or twice. Like adolfo discussed above, the people who exhibited that behavior were not simply being assholes at that particular time and to a specific "type" of individual (me) - they are assholes all the time to nearly everyone. 99% of Puerto Ricans know this and are embarrassed by such behavior, although I do not feel that they should feel responsible for the actions or attitudes of such a small number of people on the island.

I've always been welcomed with open arms, be it from my in-laws, friends, whoever really. In fact, I'd say many Puerto Ricans I deal with, either professionally, casually or interact with in other, non-intimate contexts, treat me much better than they treat other Puerto Ricans. And the Puerto Ricans who I know well or am related to are warmer and more loving towards me than any other people on the face of the earth. My speaking Spanish must help with this but I don't think it's the only reason.

I talk a lot about crime on this blog. In person, however, I never bring it up. It's just not a pleasant way to conduct a conversation. Once you make Puerto Rican friends they will be the ones telling you everything under the sun that is a problem in PR, especially the crime, and will do so with a vigor and bitterness much greater than any non-native person could ever muster.

The ones who suffer from xenophobia in Puerto Rico aren't from North America. They're from the Dominican Republic.

Adolfo,

I am sorry I did not respond and thank you sooner, but I appreciated your advice and it has given me a lot of comfort over the past few months.

Try going to Rincon on the western side of the island. You will have no problem developing a social life there. There is a very good mixture of locals and Americans. And don't worry. Just be yourself. There's an abundance of nightlife there too, and world class sunsets. A good easy place to start would be the farmers market in the plaza every Sunday. I know some of the vendors and they are absolutely wonderful people. They will help you any way they can and will introduce you to the people they know. If you go,please tell Vanessa and Jay hello and I miss them.

Gregg