Dating/Marriage to Expats

Great topic, I am also interested in hearing the other side.  Come on lady's....

Personally, there are both good and bad sides about this issue. i had experiences about dating expats and i dont disagree with what sweet_summer just mentioned above. But we cant deny that everyone has their own past even if it was bad or not, just it is over. We cant judge someone base on the mistakes he/she made when they were too young to know what was right or wrong. Just keep this thoughts "No body is perfect. We might not be proud of some of the things we have done in our past, but we are proud of who we are today" Just dont take their second chance to live better away. Moreover, it doesnt matter how families you are come from, if they truly love you they ll always stand by your side. I chose to be with westerners because they have different cultures than us, they always respect ladies and treat us well. I love the way they help ladies do housework, always go forward to open the door for ladies, take care of kids (looks damn lovely :p), carry things when we are hanging out the things that asian guys never  do. If you have chance to join Vietnamese meals or parties at home you can see the ladies in families have to do all the things by themselves such as cooking, cleaning, washing,... easily while the guys just have only one thing to do is drinking. Not like them, western guys will help or at least try to make the ladies feel less tired, they even can cook or wash dishes for us. My ex and i always did housework together, its the funnest thing ever to do! (sometimes was really annoyed cause of his joke but who cares ) The young Vietnamese generation is changing better but they still have the thoughts that men is the most important person in family deep in their minds. This sucks!
On the other side, there are more and more bad guys nowadays, specially expats, they just wanna have fun around. They use the reason that their vietnamese ex gfs did bad things for them to break the other later girls hearts instead of being hurt again. Then all of their words are just lies and lies that we ll never know the truth. They play the games that they always win. "C'mon guys, it is not fair!" this is what i used to think but i now i change they might be right some how.. I should become like them to protect myself!

sweet_summer wrote:

It's been a long time since I'm here. The dating/marriage topics to Vietnamese girls are still as popular as ever.
Now I want to see the table turns, what are the things that the Vietnamese girls should be aware of when dating with people from a foreign cultures?

I'll start first.
Having dated an expat before, what I find most difficult is to find out who the person really is. Expats are from far-away lands, it's difficult for us to meet their families, to know their history and past. So if you date Vietnamese, you can verify most of the things they say and you can judge whether your trust is put at the right place. If you date expats, most of the things are from their mouth and their body languages, which brings a lot of uncertainty which might be exciting but extremely risky

One thing a Vietgirl should be aware of when dating foreign men is whether or not he's married.  Many men, working far from home get lonely and seeing all the young pretty here...they easily get tempted.  They'll say they're not married and start chasing the girl; buy pretty expensive things, say sweet stuff, promise marriage...blah blah blah.

The western culture is very much into pre-marital sex.  On a very basic animal instinct level, males are programmed by nature to mate.  Therefore, they'll say and do anything to score that goal.

I once had a female friend who dated a Korean businessman.  He was a charmer and after a while of chasing her, sweet talked her into going to bed with him by promising to marry her.  After he got done playing with her, he went back to Korea.  My friend only found out he was married after she called him on the phone in Korea and he confessed he was home with his wife.

Essentially, women have one powerful defense against "fake love".  Just don't sleep with the guy until after he marries you.  If he truly loves you, he'll promise "to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life." by taking you as his wife.  Then you can let him achieve his natural programming goal.  You'll have wonderful kids and build a great family together.
 
Now that I think about it, this advice actually applies to the ENTIRE female race all over the world.

All bad stories.
I really wanna hear about true love and good relationships between expats & VNmese girls

Tran Hung Dao wrote:

Just don't sleep with the guy until after he marries you.  If he truly loves you, he'll promise "to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life." by taking you as his wife.  Then you can let him achieve his natural programming goal.  You'll have wonderful kids and build a great family together.

It must be nice living in La Lalaland.

In the real world, that scenario seldom exists, even in Vietnam.

have to say that everywhere is the same.good people,bad people,they are all around and equal in number.problem is can you see good people or you prefer a good angle of bad person? open your eye,watch their behavior,their friends and get to know them as best you can. I met some expat and some good,some bad but they still nice some how. once that a Mongolian guy ask for a one night stand and the fact is he married and also have a love affair in China. well, another Palestine guy protect me from that Mongolian. on last night at Taiwan,that Mongolian guy call me and said sorry for his behavior and bid me a farewel. it made me respect him,respect his honest. what I want to say is depend on your behavior. easy come,easy go. open your eye and judge by your head,not your heart

The majority of expats are guys who can't hack it in their own countries.  So, they want to come here to get at the things that they can not or can never get at, among their own people and in their own languages. 

If you pay attention, you can easily tell these wannabes, from the real expats.  The fake expats wear the same telltale signs with those Vietnamese who like to live beyond their means, very superficial.

My friends alway advise me:" Be careful if you are dating with foreigner. Not sure he is serious or maybe if have any mistake, you have babi, he can run away"

Yes, i just beign the comment by the sentence which my fr advise me... Bcz many Vietnam people think like that. But i really think different. If the guy is not serious or run away after you have babi, it can be Vietnam guy. Any country, alway have good and bad people, The prolem here you need to know how to recognize that.
Dating with foreigner maybe become very sweet, have nice ending or maybe get risk.. It really same when Foreigner whom dating with Vietnam girl ( he can meet good or bad girl ).

I just mention something can happend when dating with foreinger as i know:

- The Vietnam Woman, when dating, she wants to take a bit more time to understand to gether before have sex... But most of foreigner ( i dont mean all ) they want "2 become 1" ( i mean sex) when they really like and dating with a girl soon. This thing will make the woman confuse maybe the guy just meet them for fun, dont have any serious. And it will be very difficult with the girl whom want to keep virgin.

- When they are couple, when hang out, maybe many people look at them. Some girls maybe hope can be the the woman who is dating with foreigner ( bcz they alway think Foreigner man  galant & take care the woman very good ). But beside that, some peoples think  them not good... Why? Bcz maybe they think : dating with the foreigner guy maybe bcz money. And in my country, the Vietnam guy dont like the woman is dating with foreigner.

With me, i just think only have that trouble when dating. Bcz i dont have any trouble with my family, i can decide my life. But maybe some family of the vietnam woman they dont like foreigner.

And after get marry,  have some trouble, the people alway say bcz culture different, but the trouble just around finance.

+ In Vietnam family, the woman want to keep money to take care all of thing in the house. So when get married with the foreinger they maybe cant keep. So they feel not happy and feel they live with a friend...not live with their husband. But my point: I dont need to keep money of my husband. Let him keep his money, just he can take care the family, and can pay for expenses in our life is ok.

+ And Vietnamese love to support the family. Maybe this thing make the foreigner not easy to understand.

When your heart is enough love, any trouble you can pass.

Just my opinion.

Yuli

Tran Hung Dao wrote:

The western culture is very much into pre-marital sex.

Oh please stop with the "Vietnamese women are so virtuous crap." Vietnamese women are just as much into pre-marital sex as western women.

Parmyd wrote:

Tran Hung Dao wrote:

The western culture is very much into pre-marital sex.

Oh please stop with the "Vietnamese women are so virtuous crap." Vietnamese women are just as much into pre-marital sex as western women.

I can attest to this

When I first met my fiance the first few days I drilled the same question into her. Ask me whatever you want to know about me and I'll answer it truthfully for you.

As a girl you should not be afraid to ask any questions without hesitation. See how he reacts and answers his question rather than the answer itself.

Wild_1 wrote:

Tran Hung Dao wrote:

Just don't sleep with the guy until after he marries you.  If he truly loves you, he'll promise "to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life." by taking you as his wife.  Then you can let him achieve his natural programming goal.  You'll have wonderful kids and build a great family together.

It must be nice living in La Lalaland.

In the real world, that scenario seldom exists, even in Vietnam.

My wife and I are Catholic, and we did not want to sleep together until after we were married.

I would say that pre-marital sex in Vietnam is a very complicated matter which is rarely discussed.  You can see both ends of the spectrum here. Unlike Western women who do not have to carry any guilt about this matter, the emotions of Vietnam girls when they decide that choice are much more complicated and take a longer process. Please don't judge the two different lifestyles.

Well, but I hope this topic do not go back to discuss Vietnamese girls :p ))

I think most of expats who make a home in Vietnam came here because:
1) They are assigned to work here - people like these will go back to their countries once the assignments are over (haha unless they find someone nice to settle down here)
2) Their lives are better here than in their hometown. Well, like Wild_1 said many had tough life back home, and Vietnam being a poor country open a door for new opportunities, respect and high social status.

My advice for Vietnamese girls are that before you try to reach to the marriage goal, take a lot of time and ask a lot of questions to find out who he really is. Even if the two of you have serious feelings for each other but sometimes love isn't enough. This is true for dating Vietnamese men as well, but it's easier for us to be blinded by "oh my god he is a foreigner" and forget to check whether he is a right guy.
1) They might have drug or alcohol problem
2) They might have criminal records (who knows?)
3) They might have been married
4) They might come from dysfunctional families and that still affect them in unhealthy outlook in life, depression, etc...

so, what is the conclusion of this subject? is it recommended to marry an expatriate or not?

Exparts or VietNamese are not important. It should be based on love. In Viet Nam, there is different culture among regions. It's difficult to be bride of norland if you're a western girl.

It seems that this is the dilemma every adult individual around the world faces. Short of raising children, marriages is perhaps the most difficult challenging assignment anyone will ever have. There are many a person who indeed, has made a mistake in their lives. They learn from it and go on to be wonderful people, men and women. But for two to become one takes a great deal of compromise on both peoples part. I've seen many a VNese man just set his tail and let his wife do all the work. Perhaps this individual had a squeaky clean resume when he married. Will that matter to his tired and exhausted wife. Perhaps all one can do is to do the due diligence required of any such an undertaking. Once the choice is made the real work begins...making it a life long relationship fair to all. Heck he/she may start out good and decided to augment the family income by selling drugs

Sorry lady's, cooking, cleaning, shopping just is not part of my life.  Willing to hire someone to take care of us, but if you expect this expat to volunteer to go shopping you will be sadly disappointed. Now I do not expect you to take care of everything, like I said, we can hire someone.

Wild_1 wrote:

The majority of expats are guys who can't hack it in their own countries.

I agree with your post, except for the first sentence above. I wouldn't say it's the majority, but there are quite a few guys here like that, and as you say, they're easy to spot.

Many Vietnamese ladies who have been involved with ex-pats before, either by dating or in a relationship, can spot them too. It's the young naieve ladies who don't have much experience who get into trouble with these guys.

sweet_summer wrote:

My advice for Vietnamese girls are that before you try to reach to the marriage goal, take a lot of time and ask a lot of questions to find out who he really is. Even if the two of you have serious feelings for each other but sometimes love isn't enough. This is true for dating Vietnamese men as well, but it's easier for us to be blinded by "oh my god he is a foreigner" and forget to check whether he is a right guy.
1) They might have drug or alcohol problem
2) They might have criminal records (who knows?)
3) They might have been married
4) They might come from dysfunctional families and that still affect them in unhealthy outlook in life, depression, etc...

The above are good questions for a lady to ask, but she may not get honest answers to some. I would have no problem being asked about my job, either, but I think many ex-pats become suspicious of a VN lady they meet asking them questions about their job, how much money they make, and why they're here - maybe think the girl is just looking for money. For some, that may be so, but I think it's a good idea for the girl to ask these questions, and expect good answers. Otherwise, the guy is probably a loser.

Acientpathos: you seem VERY rich. No many people are as lucky as you are..

hey sweet summer, that sounds a bit judgemental, every one deserves a second chance if they learn the lesson, change thier ways is not that what love is about, not remeber wrongs?

I was born in France, i'm from a Vn-French family so I lived and had an western education.

When I was young my family teach me to do the chores.

When I met my wife, 2 years ago, she was afraid to date me because I'm foreigner and she said that foreigner are only with Vn to have a one night stand with them, I show her that she was wrong.

My friend told me that a Vn wife should always do the chores at home because the man is the one who bring money at home, I told them no !

It's no because you get the job and get the money that you let your wife do all the chores, a marriage is a life sharing, you share your pain, your happiness etc etc.

At home, I do the chores for my wife, even when I get back from work with a very long day, I do it but sometimes I do complain but she understand me ^^.

But I agree that Vn girl should be careful with men in general and I do say that most the men in this world want only a one night stand instead of a marriage

Why too complicated. If love then come, if not then go.
Abt sex, it's an important connection between two genders. Be bold and no one cheating. If comfortable then come if love then say. Love is already complicated why want to create more complex.  In sex both happy no anyone lose even ladies aren't.
All is about trust.

bta87 wrote:

It seems that this is the dilemma every adult individual around the world faces. Short of raising children, marriages is perhaps the most difficult challenging assignment anyone will ever have. There are many a person who indeed, has made a mistake in their lives. They learn from it and go on to be wonderful people, men and women. But for two to become one takes a great deal of compromise on both peoples part. I've seen many a VNese man just set his tail and let his wife do all the work. Perhaps this individual had a squeaky clean resume when he married. Will that matter to his tired and exhausted wife. Perhaps all one can do is to do the due diligence required of any such an undertaking. Once the choice is made the real work begins...making it a life long relationship fair to all. Heck he/she may start out good and decided to augment the family income by selling drugs

Yes, I agree with this.

mark stutley wrote:

hey sweet summer, that sounds a bit judgemental, every one deserves a second chance if they learn the lesson, change thier ways is not that what love is about, not remeber wrongs?

Sorry Mark, I don't mean to judge people. Actually I do believe that every one deserves a second chance (or the third chance...) in their life; and I believe there are many people who are able to change and build a good life. Good for them.

What I mean is we should try to understand people we date before we make a commitment, especially marriage commitment. This is really important for Vietnamese because we face a lot of marriage pressure, so we don't care about other aspects enough. We don't know about the future, so the past and the present can bear a lot of information. And when you learn those information, you will more or less understand your partner, and you also learn more or less about yourself. How far you can accept your partner's flaws, what are the challenges ahead that you might face and do you have the strength required to face those challenges.

If you are fully informed and you still make that commitment, even when things do not turn out the right way, you can say that "at least I tried", and you do not blame your partner for not telling you from the start.

If you are unaware of what you are heading into, when things turn sour, you will blame your partner for not telling you in advance, lying to you etc. etc... while maybe they do not really have intention to lie to you, it's just that you don't bother to understand them in the first place...

Xuyen Hoang wrote:

Acientpathos: you seem VERY rich. No many people are as lucky as you are..

Here I am rich, in the USA I am just another poor bastard.

ancientpathos wrote:

Xuyen Hoang wrote:

Acientpathos: you seem VERY rich. No many people are as lucky as you are..

Here I am rich, in the USA I am just another poor bastard.

Same same me you!!

Sweet_Summer
   Can you expand on your thought for us "This is really important for Vietnamese because we face a lot of marriage pressure"
   What kind of pressure and who is it that is under pressure from whom. This is perhaps interesting. I met a girl who SAID that her parents gave an edict "if she did not get married soon, they would marry her off to someone of their choosing by December". Would something like this happen in VN?
Is this the type of pressure you speak of?

Lol don't we all want to be millionaires,
Vietnam has made a lot of dreams come true.

CTH.
    Very true!

This will be another good thread if only we can keep it on topic. Anyone betting how long it will run?

ancientpathos wrote:

Xuyen Hoang wrote:

Acientpathos: you seem VERY rich. No many people are as lucky as you are..

Here I am rich, in the USA I am just another poor bastard.

No disrespect intended.  I am very lucky to have found my new life in Vietnam.  Paying $200 a month for cooking, cleaning and shopping is such a deal. Vietnam has made my life better and I hope I have helped others through charity and employment.

different language and culture,i was sugguested going to bed by an american guy

Yes, unfortunately this is considered love by many an American man. But certainly not all. Yet these fellas whisper in your ear they love you, take you to bed, and if your lucky before they head out the door they may say thanks for a good time. Just be on guard for this type of guy if this is not something you wish to do. I once had a lady ask me to take her to a bar. That is not my thing and I turned her down. This is why I have that thing on my shoulders for other than carrying that around.
Yet in our culture (this type of behavior is rather the norm for both females and males, right or wrong.
   There can be a lot said about the benefits of premarital sex as well. They say that the three biggest problem areas in a marriage are MONEY, RAISING CHILDREN m and SEX. I married a lady and both of us did not believe in premarital sex. Problems was she lefty one part of it out...she did not believe in it after marriage either. Now who would have thunk. So what do you suppose happened to this perfectly vetted marriage. Yup

nana91 wrote:

different language and culture,i was sugguested going to bed by an american guy

If you believe going to bed will help with language and culture understanding, I have a beautiful tree lined park in D1 for sale...lol  Sorry, I use humor when I do not understand what someone wrote.

Ancient,
   I think you misunderstood the lady. I don't think she meant it would change anything. What I think she meant was because the Western culture does this and the Vietnamese culture does not.

bta87 wrote:

Ancient,
   I think you misunderstood the lady. I don't think she meant it would change anything. What I think she meant was because the Western culture does this and the Vietnamese culture does not.

Nana91, I stand corrected.  I understand now.  Sex in the western culture has been trivialize by many into almost a sporting event. Please stand by your value system and culture.

Ancient,
   I'm with you on that. This one thing I enjoy about VN, and maybe I don't know enough, but their values are much better than ours. They are back were we were when I was a young man. For me it is refreshing.

bta87 wrote:

Ancient,
   I'm with you on that. This one thing I enjoy about VN, and maybe I don't know enough, but their values are much better than ours. They are back were we were when I was a young man. For me it is refreshing.

It is very refreshing.  Vietnam is paradise!!!

Ancient and bta87: im glad that you guys are enjoying living here. Of course who doesnt want to live that relaxing life.. But what I meant was not everyone had enough money to waste on hiring someone to do all those stuffs for them while they could do it themselves.

Xuyen Hoang wrote:

Ancient and bta87: im glad that you guys are enjoying living here. Of course who doesnt want to live that relaxing life.. But what I meant was not everyone had enough money to waste on hiring someone to do all those stuffs for them while they could do it themselves.

You are right, not everybody can.  But that does not make us lazy or disrespectful if we prefer to spend our money this way. There is a big part of saving money and doing things yourself in this culture.  I have been on dates where the young lady did not want to eat somewhere because she thought it was expensive and she did not want me to spend money.  I appreciated her concern, but I wanted a nice place to relax and enjoy the date.

I really enjoy these discussions.