Try these things to your Male friend, boy friend or husband.
1. Always say please and thank you and touch him when you do. I know it sounds like old-school advice, but every marriage expert said the same thing: No one likes being bossed around, especially by their spouses, so there's no point in throwing down orders like a drill sergeant. All it does is evoke memories of their mothers nagging them to clean their rooms. My husband told me point-blank in our early days that if I told him what to do, he'd do the opposite simply out of spite. Real men don't get henpecked.
With this in mind, therapists concur that we need to approach our husbands not like children, but with the calm, respectful manner we would friends. And ask, don't tell. One evening I heard myself sputtering to my husband, The garbage?!, like a frustrated teenager begging for the car keys. Not surprisingly, that didn't even bring a response. Realizing I was off to a bad start, I tried again. Could you please take out the garbage? It's starting to stink. I could have left out the last part, I suppose, but I did get a response, although it wasn't the one I wanted: I'll do it when I get back from the gym.
Later, when the garbage remained unchanged (and still smelly), I upped my game and took the advice of Toni Coleman, LCSW, a relationship coach from McLean, Virginia, who'd told me, Your husband will respond better if you place a persuasive hand on his arm or back. Men really respond to physical touch. So I leaned in closely until we were practically cheek to jowl, but not close enough to block his view of the evening news, and I placed my hand gently on his shoulder. Using the sweetest voice I could muster, I said, Honey, could you please take out the garbage now that you're back? Not only did I succeed in getting his attention, I got him to spring into action. He seemed pleased (and a bit shocked) when I thanked him afterward. Now, whenever I want him to take out the trash, I summon my kinder, gentler self.
2. Lead by example. One of the goals in my Husband Whisperer experiment was to get my husband to clean up after himself. Normally, I would have to put away jars, boxes and whatever else he'd left behind on the kitchen counter after a snack. Then I'd follow up with a damp sponge to get any crumbs or spillage. In my zeal to stay one step ahead of the mess, I'd sometimes put food away before he had a chance to eat it. He'd turn around and say, Hey, where'd that bread go? and I'd say, I thought you were done. Arguments ensued.
Why is it so difficult for a husband to swab the deck? It's simple: Some men just aren't that into cleaning. Women see dirt and feel the mess that men don't see or feel, explained psychotherapist Marilyn Kagan, LCSW, who, with psychologist Neil Einbund, Ph.D., leads the Making Marriage Work courses at American Jewish University in Los Angeles. Einbund agreed: When I do the dishes, my wife will come in afterward and rinse out the sink because she doesn't think it's clean enough. I look at the sink and it doesn't bother me.
I was willing to concede our irreconcilable aesthetic differences, but not yet ready to cave on his cleaning up. So when I spotted my husband heating up some soup, I decided to take a different approach. True to form, not only did he leave behind the dirty pot, but some spilled soup on the stovetop, too. I recalled the advice of New York City psychotherapist and advice columnist Jonathan Alpert, LPC, who suggested I show my husband exactly what needed to be done. Men are task-driven and goal-oriented, he said. Tell him what he should shoot for.
So I called my husband back into the kitchen. Lifting the saucepan, I pointed to the dried-up pools of soup. I could see by his bemused expression that it never occurred to him to look under the pot. I know you're tired, but I want to show you what works for me, I said, as cheerful as an infomercial. I just spray a little of this cleaning fluid on the spill, wipe and voilà! He looked at me as if I had just performed a mindfreak. What's that you use again? he inquired, much to my own amazement.
Not only did he continue to use the product I suggested, he now regularly cleans under pots, like a little boy exploring the dark rooty underworld beneath a rock. It may seem like a small victory, and the results aren't always perfect, but little things like this are a giant step for my peace of mind.
3. Play the empathy card. Another key to being a good Husband Whisperer, I found, is getting your spouse to empathize with your situation. Better to say, for example, that you can't relax and spend time with him or the kids until the dinner dishes are washed than, Why don't you ever help with the dishes? Not only do gentler words encourage your husband to see through your bleary eyes, they allow him to come to your rescue something men take pride in doing for women.
