Seriously :)

Get Out Of The Car
   

(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida) An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable.

(jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=5389&id=1)

Job Interview
   

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

(jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=991&id=1)

  Brilliant - leep them coming

A Punjabi lawyer working in UK wrote to his wife in India.

Dear Sunita Darling,

I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses.

You are my sweetheart, please understand and adjust with this situation.

Your loving husband,

Tuna Singh
----------

His wife responded,

Darling Pappu

Thanks for the 100 kisses.

Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2. The electricity man, Kooldip Singh, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.

3. Your landlord Kapal Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.

4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only,
so I gave him other items, I hope you understand.

5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance.

Shall I plan the same for the next month?

Your Sweet Heart,

Sunita

Love,

Kumi











His wife replied...









TINKU KE PAPPA,

Thanks for the 100 kisses.

Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...

    1.       The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

    2.     The electricity man, Kooldip Singh, agreed not to disconnect only

           after 7 kisses.

    3.     Your landlord Kapal Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses

            instead of the monthly rent.

    4.     Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only,

              so I gave him other items, I hope you understand.

    5.     Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.



Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and

I hope I can survive the month using this balance.

Shall I plan the same for the next month?



Your Sweet Heart,

Sunita

Saudi roads after allowing women to drive

Due to return after several months in the Middle East a man writes to his wife -
"If you meet me at the airport you better have a mattress tied to your back".
She replied -
"In that case, you had better be the first off the plane".

Someone needs to introduce him to the golfer

Wouldnt Charles have loved this?

The Yindians in London

youtube.com/watch?v=jkN9VdjgDwM&feature=related

Satan vists the church

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

Thanks for the laugh ladies... Glad you liked the joke....

A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"





Hilarious

Does Nonz's hubby read this post?

nonz wrote:

A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"





Hilarious

You're funny!!

A Saudi was being interviewed at the an Embassy 2 get visa,
Consul: ur name please?
Saudi: Sheikh Abdul-Aziz
Consul: 'Sex?'
Saudi: 'Six time a week.'
Consul: I meant, male or female?
Saudi: Both male and female, sometime even camels.
Consul: Holy cow!
Saudi: Yes, cows & dogs too.
Consul: Man, isn't that hostile?
Saudi: Horse style, dog style, any style !
Consul: Oh dear!
Saudi: Deer? No deer, they run too fast..

  Oh boy the "Ms" are coming to get us!   

musicman wrote:

Does Nonz's hubby read this post?

I am glad he does not:rolleyes:

There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing. On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!” And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”


The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.
Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!

The Japanese exclaimed, “What??… so expensive!” There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!!!

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again. "

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed. "

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "sh*t."

A Small one if you are bored of reading big ones..

He came at night,
explored my body,
got on top of me,
touched me,
he bit, sucked, swalowd,
when he was satisfyed,
he left,
i was hurt,
BLOODY... MOSQUITO !!!!

A boy walkes in to his classroom with a black eye; the teacher got worried and takes him aside,

Teacher: hey you, whats going on why do you have a back eye? Is everything okay at home?

Boy: Yeah; its just that everynight when im laying in bed late, dad comes in to my room and asks me, ¿hey, are you asleep yet? And then I reply saying, "no daddy". Then I wake up the next day with a black eye.

Teacher: Okay. I have a solution for you. Next time your daddy comes in and asks you if you've gone to sleep, just dont say a word. Keep quiet. Okay?

Boy: Okay!!

The next day the little boy walkes in with 2 black eyes. The teacher takes him aside and asks him..

Teacher: ¿What happened? ¿Didn't you do what I told you to do?

Boy: Yes teacher I did exactly what you said, he came in, asked me 3 times, and I stayed quiet at all times! But then after a little while, I heared daddy saying: "Okay dear I just came, did you come?".. Then I asked: "¿Why daddy? ¿Where did you guy go?"

anil.soni wrote:

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again. "

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed. "

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "sh*t."

:lol:This is my all time fav Joke

anil.soni wrote:

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again. "

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed. "

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "sh*t."

excellent!

Where there is Demand there is Supply. Here it comes People to all the married friends i have known. Lucky me till 8th of March 2011:(.

1. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

2. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."


3. After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."


4. A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."


5. The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"


6. When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.


7. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Rest of the world.


8. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.


9. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."


Anil

nonz wrote:

:lol:This is my all time fav Joke

Thanks Nonz.

gowiththeflowUK wrote:

excellent!

Thanks Max.

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge." Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon." St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?" Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

Oh God !!!! Get slow.....U r getting obsessed with Pasting these "Jokes turned stories"

well, you guys encouraged him


lol

Why do most jokes these days end up with Golf Clubs?

Guys, jokes are fine, but please don't directly address a country or a religion ... we are multicultural here, and some people (locals for example) may feel offended

thanks for your comprehension

Julien wrote:

Guys, jokes are fine, but please don't directly address a country or a religion ... we are multicultural here, and some people (locals for example) may feel offended

thanks for your comprehension

Point well taken, Julien (although I, as a Christian, thought that a Hindu--in Saudi Arabi--telling a joke about St. Peter and the 'Pearly Gates,' was amusing in and of itself!).

Problem with most funny jokes is that they usually offend some one in some way 

Son to Dad : What is the difference between confidence and confidential.

Dad to Son : You are my son, I’m confident. Your friend is also my son, that’s confidential !

Husband : “When I’m gone, you’ll never find another man like me”.

Wife :” What makes you think I’d want another man like you?”

Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are yours?

No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.

Alliecat wrote:

Problem with most funny jokes is that they usually offend some one in some way 

That reminds me; how does a good joke start?
*looks over both shoulders*

(if you don't get it, too bad )