Seriously :)

mirfarali wrote:

This happened a couple of weeks ago to my boss


"You fool, whose daughter did you pick up from school?"

Yep, the driver had picked up the wrong girl from school due to some confusion. My boss immediately got the girl into his car and rushed to the school where the girl's father was on the verge of calling the police. After lot of convincing and explaining and being scolded at by everyone, my boss finally managed to resolve things and pick the "right" daughter.

OMG!That could have ended in many more tears - nightmare situation all around I think.  He was very lucky to have gotten away with that without some jail bars being involved!  Just goes to show how clear you have to be when giving instructions.

Top Ten ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars:

1. A Particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

3. Occassionally your car would just die for no reason and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.

4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you would have to buy more seats.

5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. Wait a second, it's that way NOW!

6. Sun Microsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.

7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

8. People would get excited about thew new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.

9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).

10. Ford, General Motors, and Chrylser would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting radios in all its models

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dABo_DCIdpM

In conclusion, we ALL speak with an accent! 

WOW! that was great, the guy is really talented.

Check this one out too, you will enjoy it more if u r from Scotland.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FFRoYhTJQQ

....and when the MicroSoft Car stalls all u gotta do is step on the CNTRL-ALT-DEL pedals concurrently to restart

Paki Earthquake
The news reported today that there has been a powerful earthquake in Pakistan last night, measuring 9.2 on the Richter scale. A reported 335,000 Pakastanis are confirmed dead and another 239,000 are missing.
The world is horrified by the event, and are rushing to aid Pakistan.
The United States is sending 10 billion dollars immediately with more expected to follow
The United Kingdom is sending food, clothing, and supplies to aid the suffering citizens.


Canada is sending 500,000 replacement Pakastanis.

No offense I am Pakistani as well

Canada can replenish any 3rd world nation if and when these nations run short of sons of the soil...

UPDATED OFFICE RULES

Dear Employee,

Effective immediately, the company has employed the following new policies for 2011. Kindly review and ensure compliance.

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you can not handle a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Thursdays & Fridays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time need to drink a Diet Coke.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

musicman wrote:

UPDATED OFFICE RULES

Dear Employee,

Effective immediately, the company has employed the following new policies for 2011. Kindly review and ensure compliance.

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you can not handle a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Thursdays & Fridays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time need to drink a Diet Coke.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

this is amzing one especially Toilet Breaks one.

A Desi chap was deeply in love with a pretty foreign girl, whom he wanted. But he did not have the courage to talk to her in person. So he decided to go alone and with the help of a dictionary, he wrote a letter of proposal to her.
     


HE WROTE :

        Most worthy of your estimation
        after a long consideration
        and much mediation.
        I have a strong indication
        to become your relation.
        As to my educational qualification,
        it is no exaggeration or fabrication
        that I have passed my matriculation examination;
        no doubt without any hesitation and very little preparation.
        What do you say to the solemnisation
        of our marriage celebration
        according to the glorification of modern civilisation
        and with a view to the expansion
        of the population of present generation.
     
        On your approbation of the application,
        I shall make preparation to improve my situation,
        and if such obligation is worthy of consideration
        it will be our argumentation of the joy and
        exaltation of our joint dissimilation.
     
        Thanking you in anticipation and with devotion,
     
        To remain victim of your fascination.

     
SHE WROTE :
     
        Dear Mr. Victim of my fascination,
     
        Congratulation for your lengthy narration
        of course full of affection aimed at an affiliation
        for a combination which on examination
        I find is a fine presentation of your ambition.
     
        You have passed your matriculation with little preparation,what about my graduation after a long botheration,
        so improve situation in education
        and make an application by acquisition
        of post graduation and minimum qualification
        for the convocation and before taking your photo for circulation undergo beautification.
     
        Further strict observation of the following conditions is the regulation for the determination of our relation.
     
        1. Consultation of my parents before approaching for my connection.
     
        2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not a victim
           of any fascination and,
     
        3. Procreation must not be your recreation.
     
        In anticipation of a solid action instead of continuation of
        paper conversation.
     
        I Remain,
     
        Unaffected by your affection.

Adam was talking to God one day, and asked, "why did you make Eve so pretty?"

God replied, "So you would love her".

Adam then asked, "why did you make her such a good cook?".

God replied, "So that you would love her".

Adam asked, "Why does she have such a heavenly smile?".

God said "So you would love her".

Finally, Adam asked "Why did you make her so dumb?"

God replied, "So that she would love you!".

nonz wrote:

Adam was talking to God one day, and asked, "why did you make Eve so pretty?"

God replied, "So you would love her".

Adam then asked, "why did you make her such a good cook?".

God replied, "So that you would love her".

Adam asked, "Why does she have such a heavenly smile?".

God said "So you would love her".

Finally, Adam asked "Why did you make her so dumb?"

God replied, "So that she would love you!".

LIFE'S OBSERVATIONS:

1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

2. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

3. I have my own little world. But it's OK, they know me here.

4. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

7. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

9. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a couple of bucks at the bowling alley.

10. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

11. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

12. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

joe's wife was about to take a vacation in France with some of her
girlfriends. Joe drove her to the airport, hugged her, and wished her
a good trip.

"Before I go," she said, "is there anything you'd like me to bring
back for you?"

Joe thought a moment, then said with a twinkle in his eye, "How about
a cute little French girl?"

Joe's wife rolled her eyes and said she'd see what she could do.

Three weeks later, she returned and Joe picked her up at the airport.
"So, honey," he said. "How was the trip?"

"Oh, it was great," she replied. "I absolutely loved Paris."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"What present?"

"Oh, you know," said Joe. "What I asked for -- the French girl?"

"Oh, that?" said Joe's wife. "Well, I did what I could, but we won't
know for sure if it's a girl for another nine months."

Following are the real incidents that have become jokes.

A new computer engineer from India went to USA on his company's assignment. On his first visit to a Supermarket, at the checkout, the girl at the counter asked him,"paper or plastic". [She meant, whether he wants a paper bag or a platic bag].
The boy couln't understand what she was asking. He replied, "I am new, I don't have credit card, I brought some travellers check." [He thought she was asking whether he will pay by cash (paper) or credit card (plastic)!]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The same boy goes to a fast food shop and ordered someting. The girl at the counter asked him,"here or to go". [She meant whether he will eat at the restaurant or he will take away.]
The boy couldn't understand what she was asking. He replied, "You see, I have just come on a H1B visa for one year. I don't know whether it will be extended or not. So I don't know, I will be here or to go back!" [He thought she was asking whether he will be living in USA or going out!]

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

musicman wrote:

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

ha ha ha

musicman wrote:

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"

MURPHY's LAW in RIYADH:

If you line up all the vehicles in the city, end to end on a hill, someone will be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, even during a sandstorm, when visibility is the lowest.

cute.  And SFW.

musicman wrote:

MURPHY's LAW in RIYADH:

If you line up all the vehicles in the city, end to end on a hill, someone will be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, even during a sandstorm, when visibility is the lowest.

Crazy people

With the increase in technology, I guess children will learn the alphabet in the future like this : ^_^

A-Apple
B-Blog
C-Chat
D-Disk
E-E-Mail
F-Facebook
G-Google
H-HTML
I-Iphone
J-Java
K-Kilobyte
L-Laptop
M-Megabyte
N-Nanosecond
O-Ova
P-Picasa
Q-Quicktime
R-RAM
S-Server
T-Terrabyte
U-USB
V-Video
W-Wifi
X-XP
Y-Youtube
Z-Zorpia

Report submitted by a Y2K Project Leader to his manager after completing his Y2K verification task

Dear Sir,
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards: Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak. I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we tought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction."

Very Sincerely
Y2K Verified
Y2K Project Leader

Boss always wants too much

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

Getting better!

A little girl was sitting next to her grandfather as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up and touch his wrinkled cheek. She touched her own cheek after she touched his.
After a little while of thinking she asked, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
He looked at her and said, "Yes, sweetheart God made me a long time ago."
She paused for a few seconds and then asked, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
He replied, "Yes, indeed pumpkin, God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she whispered to him, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A HUGE HEART covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the HEART opened, and the casket rolled inside. The HEART then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful HEART forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.

The proctologist fainted.

funkydelicguy wrote:

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A HUGE HEART covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the HEART opened, and the casket rolled inside. The HEART then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful HEART forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.

The proctologist fainted.

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

Whooop! Whooop!!
This post rules!!!  hehehehe..

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around
here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I
can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the
Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the Old Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says . 'HEBREWS'

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not
saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of
them wanted to concede their position..
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the
husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

the_blade wrote:

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not
saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of
them wanted to concede their position..
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the
husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

I read this few years back from Reader's Digest....
this is a nice joke.  never fades...

Very funny thread, keep going :, however, please consider what Julien wrote, that is please don't write something which may be offensive to other religion, ethnic group or country

Wish you all a brilliant day ahead

[discriminative joke]

See...Not All Seniors Are Senile:
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.  He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.  The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.  'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.  The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.  The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man said, 'By check.  I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But imagine my fantastic  GREAT WEEKEND that I would have enjoyed !!'   

See...Not All Seniors Are Senile.

why my post was deleted?? that was too funny

A husband asked his wife, "What do you like most in me, my macho face or my sexy body?”
The wife looked at him from head to toe and replied,  "I like your sense of humor.”

***WHAT A JEALOUS WIFE***

A woman came home late one night
and quietly opens the door to her
bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four
legs instead of two. Furiously, as she
felt on the sight, she reaches for a
baseball bat and starts hitting the
blanket as hard as she can.
The Shouting coming under the
blanket did not deter her attack. Once
she's done, she goes to the kitchen to
have a drink.
As she enters, she saw her husband
there, reading a magazine.
Her Husband greeted her, "Hi darling",
"your parents have come to visit us, so
I let them stay in our bedroom.
I hope you have said hello to them..."

BAZINGAAAA!!!

seeker of truth wrote:

Get Out Of The Car
   

(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida) An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable.

(jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=5389&id=1)

Being from the Sarasota area, I can honestlty say that is true. And there are many more like it.