Dealing with loneliness in China

I have lived in China now since 2007 and being lonely happens, it even happens if you don't live in China...      It's really up to you!

Loneliness is a state of mind (in my opinion) and if you choose to isolate yourself it only gets worse.  Let me explain:  I lived my initial three years in the south (Guangdong Province) and then moved to the far north (Jilin Province).  I like the saying goes; "warm weather, warm people; cold weather, cold people."  I've found that to be very true in my case.

My three years in the south were filled with many "friends" because I was the ONLY foreign teacher in the town where I lived and everyone wanted to know me.  I was a bit of a celebrity.  It was fun at times, but also very draining.  I am, for the most part, a private person but I can be social and extroverted (I'm a teacher, duh).  I just had to walk out my front door and "friends" happened.  I was invited to dinners and karaoke all the time.  I was taken on short trips and most of the time I wasn't lonely.  However, when I needed my "private" time I would seek it out by going off by myself and hiding out in the only 4-star hotel in town.  It was my escape, having quiet time to just read a book or write my thesis. 

Then seven years ago I moved north and everything changed.  The weather here is so cold in winter you can't avoid being lonely as NO ONE wants to be out.  People here can tend to isolate for 6 months of the year and because of that fact, it's hard for our company to keep foreign teachers.  Those who do stay do so because they like the weather, or get married to a local.  I am part of the former group. 

Here are my tricks for fending off loneliness;

1.  Create a broad spectrum of "friends" made up of locals and foreigners.  Keep in mind the locals will be here...the others come and go.  Making friends with locals will take time and effort but it's worth it.  Making "friends" with foreigners will be easier (fewer culture or language issues) but these friendship may not last long.

2. Find an activity that gets you OUT of your "home" at least once a week.  For me it's been playing mahjong.  I have a group and we play every Monday night at my place, but before we play we go out to eat.  I know that each week I will be with people and that's good.  We grab a bite, have a good chat, and then play for a few hours.  It's a nice start to my hectic week ahead.

3. Create a small circle of close friends, this will take time, but meet with them and really share your life.  (If you are a person of faith, this would be an "accountability" group) these are the people who keep you "real" and grounded.  I have two other people I meet with each week for coffee, one is a local and one is a foreigner.  We are very honest with each other and share our burdens.  It's been a great help for each of us to have this type of small group.

4. Go off an explore your city, take time to just take a bus somewhere in the city and see a new place by yourself.  Then once you explore find a few people and share the experience with them.  You can be the tour guide for a day away from work.  I do this a lot because of my job.  I am the foreign teacher manager at my job so I like taking the newer teachers around the city so they can become familiar with it.  It's great because I can have downtime when I explore on my own and then I can be with others when I take them along. 

Now keep in mind, if you isolate you will not do well in the long run.  Isolation (especially in the north where it's common to stay inside for half the year) can lead to depression and the downward spiral can be deadly.  You need to force yourself to get out at least once a week and meet up with people (besides just being at work). 

Finally take care of yourself, if you are depressed you are more likely to get sick.  I have a couple teachers who take medication for depression, especially in winter I check on them to be sure they are doing well.  If you know you get depressed, make sure someone knows and stay connected to at least one person who is close by.  Having people back home is great but you need to have someone near-by too.  Exercise is a must (otherwise you will pile on pounds, very common here) so do something you like to stay active like; walking in the park, hiking around town, going to the gym, or my personal favorite "urban hiking" which is walking around a shopping mall just window shopping and nothing more.  (Remember it's cold here in winter so this is a good choice.)

You need to stay connected to others and find activities you enjoy outside your job, then you'll do fine.  Living in China can be just like living back home, the only differences will be the food and language, until you get used to both.

I'm going for the "are you kidding" angle.

I have been here since 2005 and still find wonders and new things, if not, why did you come here?

If you sit in Ex-Pats bars every evening, what's the difference to you being at your home?

I am established now, my own cars, houses etc, but the first years here I would go to the inter town bus station and just get on, I didn't even know where I was going, and I had no Chinese, just a dictionary, man i had fun and adventures! If it went too far i would just stay in a hotel overnight, otherwise just walk around where ever i landed and get a bus back later in the afternoon.

These days you even have talking translators in your phone, GPS plenty of young Chinese who speak English, you have no excuse for being lonely in such an incredible country so full of wonders.

Oh and if you are a teacher, get your hours so no Friday afternoon, and no Monday morning, then every weekend is like a long weekend. I knew some teachers who worked 6 days, and Sunday evening classes, they were wrecked after a few months and ended up hating China for it. Don't let them screw you over, they need you.

Dear Pandabiz:

If you work for an after-school program getting a Friday afternoon off may not be possible and weekends NEVER.  You are working when the kids are NOT in public school so your schedule will ONLY work for a public school contract and those can be hard to get legally. 

To all others:

Be very careful about your work visa and what it allows you to do.  If you want to know a nightmare, just search "50 South Africans Detained Changchun" are read the story.  I won't go into all the details but here is the gist:

YOU CAN NOT COME TO CHINA ON A STUDENT VISA AND THEN CHANGE IT OVER!

That is no longer the policy and hasn't been the policy for at least 2 years now.  You must come on a work visa and that first work visa will be converted to a longer term one when you arrive.  If anyone tells you differently they are lying.

Also be very aware that NOT ALL places in China are allowed to hire foreign teachers.  You must work for a legal company who is licensed to hire foreign teachers and place them.  Your work visa MUST be for the location where you work in the city where it is issued.  Anything else will be illegal. 

Be careful, there are a lot of scams because there is a huge need for qualified foreign teachers and some schools are hiring "anyone" foreign and then when they get caught the foreigner is fined and deported.  You may even be detained for weeks.  It's not worth it and it isn't hard to do your homework and find out about the company before you come.

Just some words of wisdom.  If you want to know more about this...PM me.

China is not easy place to live , and build new local social network. Chinese relationships are mostly formed outside of the family , when there is some perceived gain opportunity.

So on all levels , don't come to CHINA if your type of person that needs lot of support, or social gathering.

You are cut off mostly from Western world via internet, and TV. Can be isolated by local Chines, whom prefer their home time to be with their close family . Don't expect many Chinese to come out and play , unless you can give them some business , or career benefits.

So come , enjoy new world, the great food , and prepare to build your own life , and family , without expecting to not at time be little isolated and alone.

Good evening dear

I can not really say much about loneliness.
For a European (at least myself) I think it is pleasant to stay there. The Chinese people are so different and more pleasant than we Europeans, we see and experience the China of today and there is really no time to be lonely. What is the most fun, an age is seen very differently. With us a year older you have been written off, with you that year is only a figure. I hope to have given you a little bit of my explanation.
Alfonso

Ah shucks...

If you are lonely, you go grab some Chinese coworkers. You buy them dinner an get drunk then you go to a KTV together. Cost will be around 300 RMB depending where you live. You can afford that? No? Buy a few bottles of wine of some VSOP. You can get a great deal on a KTV if you ask them to help you reserve a room. Normal rooms that look like 5000 RMB can be had for 700 RMB.

Ask for help.



You are expected to be open and honest, as what happens when you are both to the gills drunk. Let me tell you, you can and do open up. The Chinese people will immediate warm up to you and you will have friends for LIFE. You will never be alone after that. Trust me.

Ahhh yes the KTV China...no visit to China is complete until you have spent at least one wasted night singing karaoke with majorly drunk co-workers, it's the ultimate Chinese experience if you live and work here.

easy to expand and creat social network in China, especially in Tianjin

I agree with pandabiz, if you're the type to go to ex-pat bars, you should have stayed in your home country. Stop being so culturally insular.

If you're not prepared to go out and meet people, if you're not prepared to learn and practise Mandarin then you're going to struggle.

Use WeChat to network. Chinese are fascinated by foreigners. If you write your nationality beside your name in Chinese, you will be approached by people nearby. There are a number of expat groups on WeChat that detail upcoming social events where you can meet people:

Laowai
theBeijinger
TimeOutBiejing
SEEYOUth

And WeChat groups such as Beijing International Friends.

word of caution...be wise using social media, don't post things that can later be used against you...duh.  Also, be aware of the Chinese "social" media rules and obey them.  If you are not sure about them...find out.  It's in your best interest to be informed and wise.  I always tell my new teachers.."don't do stupid, and if you have to ask, it's probably stupid!"

I think it depends where you end up. 
Big city with lots of expats?  Should be fine. 

Small city or town with few if any expats? Problem.  I deliberately chose a small town to teach,  because I wanted to experience proper China.  It was a pretty rural place. 

I was one of three expats,  the other 2 being a married couple.  I was pretty bold and put myself out there all the time.  Went to gym,  went to the movies,  walked all over town. 
It was fine at first,  and I even managed to meet some Chinese people that could speak some English. 
I liked exploring and bought a scooter. 

Eventually,  I became very lonesome.  There was one bar,  which was often empty with no scene whatsoever,  and although I would hook up with the married expats here and there,  they were actually quite introverted and only if we all got wasted together,  did they loosen up. 

It's nice to do things on your own,  but when you're on your own all the time,  it can get exceedingly lonely.  I met one or two people from a nearby town,  but these were fleeting friendships because they'd move on to another place. 
I had one or two Chinese friends,  but nobody I could say I was close to. 
Depression can set in,  if you're not careful.  Even though I was out and about all the time,  I was out and about mostly by myself. 
You have to be strong.,  and sometimes that's not easy.
I found myself talking to myself a lot... nobody else was there. 

I'm currently waiting to head back over there,  but I think I would definitely look for a bigger city,  where there are some expats and you can make friends with people.  It's critical as a foreigner.  You may be away from home for years or even permanently,  so to be part of a network where you can support each other is really very necessary. 
Everything is harder on you own in a foreign country.

Dear Fajin:

WOW your experience is so similar to what I did when I first came to China in 2007.  My first 3 years in China were in a very small town and I was the ONLY foreign teacher in the town of 1 million.  I didn't go to bars, I'm not a drinker, but I did a ton of KTV.  I had many other Chinese teachers who became friends but no one who was close to me.  The past 10 years I have been in the North-east where there is a much larger expat community and that has been better by far.  I loved my time in a small village but after a while it can be very hard.

I take it you are not in China currently due to COVID?  Make sure when you do come back that you are prepared for some changes.  Good luck.

Nice to read.

I guess such life is common for outsider

Hi Irai

Thank you.  Wow,  2007... that was definitely some time back.  I had a friend who arrived in China around that time,  too.  He stayed for 10 years. 

Choosing a smaller location can be a good experience,  don't get me wrong.  I saw things that I think many if not most expats never get to see.  Also,  and perhaps you had the same experience,  but you're treated like royalty by a lot of people. 
If you don't mind the all the staring,  anyway. 

I think. learning as much Chinese is critical for any expat,  and especially so for those in smaller,  less popular locations.