You have to take your hat off to them when it comes to creative hustles. Toughie for me is that I'm the only barang in a very Vietnamese enclave in peripheral PP. They're lovely people, but there seems to be an unwritten rule that I'd be a moron to trust anyone except my wife and a connected guy I inadvertently spared a long lag a while back.
I was on my way to the Chinaman's shop for two bottles of vodka yesterday afternoon- happily minding my own business & enjoying the walk when an old man from three doors down (he does a great job of impersonating the Chinaman from Steinbeck's Cannery Row) braced me, then urgently hustled me towards his gleaming Honda Dream.
I told him I was walking to get vodka but his manner was so assertive I decided he either needed help, or he'd decided I'd made the grade as a 'local' and was going to take me to a cockfight/opium den/political meeting. Although I had no interest in any of the above, I believe in embracing chance however, so I hopped on the back of his motorbike.
Fifteen kilometers later, after heading in a straight line, on the same road the whole way out into the lotuses, he stopped the bike & started muttering in Viet & prodding at invisible beasts with his fingers in a most agitated manner. I dialed my wife, and said "Honey, can you ask this venerable reprobate what is on his mind? My peach, cherry & grape juice is getting warm & I fancy mixing it with this lovely cheap vodka from the Chinaman. Please can you instruct him to bring me home?".
My wife is Khmer- Vietnames, she's tiny, she is beautiful, she is also ferociously protective of me & well aware of the fact I've probably only survived in Kampuchea this long because I'm big, ugly & a Kiwi with a winning smile.
My new mate was less than cheery after speaking with her & made a huge fuss all the way home about his arthritic fingers. Meanwhile my phone kept ringing with a growling female voice repeatedly demanding "Where you NOW??" Then the moto ran out of gas, I helped him push the brute to a servo & even shot him 5000KR for gas.
When he got me near home, he stopped & demanded muy-prahm dollar. I told him to come to the house for a drink & discuss it with Chen. When he did turn up he demanded dop-prahm dollar & I told him to piss off and quite honestly reminded him I'd never asked him to take me anywhere & that I'd been minding my own business up until he butted into my vodka flavoured daydream. A huge scene erupted whereby he related that the truth was that I'd braced him as he drank his tea & then specifically demanded he take me to my friend's house three km away.
Chen pointed out that I was clearly a liar because I had her completely convinced that my Khmer language skills extended as far as ordering beer & buying Metfone top-up cards, yet here I was giving detailed directions to homes of friends she didn't even know I had. "Baht! Bahtbahtbaht! Him BAD man!" screeched the Terror of Tuol Sleng.
While I finally got to mix my drink. Chen enquired that perhaps his English was of par & that I'd instructed him thusly in my own tongue- what, she sweetly enquired, did he ask you? Could you repeat it in English? The whole bloody street became involved- fortunately taking my side for the most part because they all know I'm practically a deaf mute in any Asian language conversation.
In the end she took him to the communal shrine & said she would not only give him the $15 he was demanding, but she'd also give a further $20 to the Buddha as an offering- conditional on him swearing his story was true.
The old bastard baulked that this and slouched off muttering darkly, leaving me to be lectured yet again, by my mouse sized spouse to trust no-one except her & my legally ambiguous guardian. So, after all that, I wasn't surprised to find hustlers lining up at my door this morning before I'd even finished my baguette. So, while I thank you for the compliment Joe, I don't feel it's deserved because if I'd fallen for the old 'Can you cash this for me whiteman?' gag, I really don't feel I deserve to live here or possibly even exist beyond the company of amoebas.
The End