Relationship with Vietnamese girl

vic50 wrote:

I need some advice here. I have been in this relationship now for 4 months and there are some worrying signs. As a foriegner ( we are perceived to be rich here ) . I thought by moving here eventually I would save money. So far it's has cost me thousands as I pay for all outings ( friends include). Food and presents for family and uncles and aunties.isvthis acted flag I should be taking notice of.
My partner keeps crying poor as she doesn't work ( had a failed restaurant. Everywhere she goes she wants money.
My gut feeling tells me to be careful.
I do appreciate that over Tet there are particular Vietnamese customs to be honoured.
Would welcome some advice.

Sadly I think that the fact you need to ask for advice probably means it is time to move on. I am sure that many problems relating to expats being considered as ATM's is the expats fault. Once on that train it is very difficult to get off.

Cut her loose - move on - I have a great lady not driven by how much money I can provide and actually indicates if I spend to much.

Previously in similar situation in Thailand

"Gold Digger"

Sadly... This is a common story IN SE Asia. The fact that she doesn't work.. Deal breaker. No excuse for this.

Leave now while you still have some cash left... But more importantly.. While you still have your dignity. You call the shots now. Good luck... Being single in Vietnam is wonderful... for some... and if a "good girl" stops by.. Great!

Its obvious that you have seen the red flags but not taking any action. She sounds like the type of woman we so often warn people about. Get out before she milks you dry.

To me, you did many step wrong...
You looks like a prince on a white horse that pay everything for her princess...
I mean, who believe in Disney story nowadays?

She could be Vietnamese, Australian, Kenyan, whatever... it would have turned the same... Nationalities has nothing to do about it.
Get in her place and think about it: "I got a prince that do and pay for everything I'm asking for..." Jackpot!
Her feeling might be real, you're the only one that can test her and know for sure!
But it doesn't look safe at all...


But I think you went into that situation because of the way you are... maybe you were too kind, maybe you can't say "no/delay", had the feeling to be forced to do something but didn't react... difficulties to understand another culture and how things work...
I don't know you, and I don't want to "judge" you.
My goal is just trying to give you tips to help you understand what you did wrong, to avoid it in the future... and maybe to fix what can maybe still be fixed.
You got the keys, now it's up to you how to use it.
Good luck!

Run, fast.
Wadey

I'll second what everyone else says. Just pull the plug and walk away.

Cut her loose man. A decent viet girl would not be costing you thousands of dollars just to be with her. You learn from experience, learn from your mistakes and just move on from her.

Agreed - I have a great VN lady

cut your losses and tell her you want to be friends.  If you are looking for a serious relationship, she is not and neither are other girls like her.  There are thousands of VN women who are looking for a serious relationship and money is not required.  Trust us here, we have lived in VN and know what is going on.  Be patient and find the right one, she will be with you whether you have money or not.  FYI - treat her like any other GF and don't fork over the cash, because once you do, it is expected and that is the beginning of the end mate.  Good luck.

Thanks everyone for your advice. I'm not normally the cut and run type., But in this case the consensus seems to be "get out while the gettings good". This was also my gut feeling.

vic50 wrote:

Thanks everyone for your advice. I'm not normally the cut and run type., But in this case the consensus seems to be "get out while the gettings good". This was also my gut feeling.

Don't tell her you are breaking up with her, or that it's her fault.

Hell hath no fury...

Instead, tell her you have had a spiritual awakening and plan to begin giving all your extra money to the poor.

Tell her you have her love and that's all you need.

Watch...

This will be interesting to see how it goes

Warning signs -

If you are paying for all outings with friends and family, those are the same friends and family you'll be stuck with if you get married.   The paying isn't the important part, it's the attitude of expecting you to pay that you need to watch out for.

Forking over lots of money to family during a VN visit is a real thing.  Worse during Tet.  But that usually stays within the family.   Four months is way, way, way too soon unless you've already proposed in which case that's on you.

Extreme warning signs -

See if you can talk to your GF about your concerns.  If you guys can't have a conversation about this then that's a bad sign.   How will your future be if she gets offended.  If she places her friends and family before you.

Hello my friend.

Please wake up. As soon any girl from Asia ask for money, then start to run and run far away.
I have seen many friend do the same as you, when they fall in love with a girl from Asia.
They have lost all there savings and have been stupid like you. So take my advice. Stop immediately
to see your girlfriend .

You're a 'walking ATM!!!'

Can you speak or understand any Vietnamese words or sentences?

If not, you'd better get learning now!!!

So that you'll know when you're out socialising with your girlfriend with her family...and...or...friends, she is 'talking bad' about you...IN VIETNAMESE!!!

Put your girlfriend personality to the test...

Have a one-to-one conversation with your girlfriend (in private) and tell her that a family member of yours is experiencing financial difficulty and that you have to help them...see your girlfriend reaction!!!

Pay particular attention to...

Your girlfriend's look on her face...

...and her 'change in her voice' to the reaction of the news you've told her!!!

This is called...

REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY!!!

If you don't like what you see or hear, then run away as fast as you can before it's too late!!!!

Hey Brother

I'm a Canadian guy who's been dating a girl I met online from Vietnam for 3 years now.  I got lucky with her.  She is relatively successful in Saigon, and definitely doesn't need my money to pay her bills,  and when I visit her, she pays for a lot of my stay, but she still wants gifts that she can show her friends. 
I met a few women before her that were pretty cool but as time went on they started with the "I need money for my family" kinda thing.
Just keep in mind that when you marry a girl you also marry her family.
Family in Vietnam (in my case) is number 1 always.
TRUST, BUT VERIFY!!!

Ahhh the gifts part..

I remember on my visits coming here had to always buy things before I fly out.

Something that just cannot get here .

Had to remind wife on a couple of occasions that something's just too heavy or big to bring.

Didnt like the money gift to parents at wedding as it feels like you are buying her. But hey that's tradition I guess.

Jlgarbutt wrote:

Didnt like the money gift to parents at wedding as it feels like you are buying her. But hey that's tradition I guess.

The bride brings to her new husband the jewelries and material gifts from her parents and relatives.  This is called dowry to help the couple establish their new household and/or fund for a rainy day.  A woman's dowry is often started when she's still a young girl.

The groom pays a gift to the bride's parents, either in cash, jewelries, or both, to thank them for their daughter whom they bestowed upon him at the wedding.  This is called bride price.

Vietnam is not the only country with this custom. It's an ancient tradition that has been practiced all over the world throughout history and still exists in many countries to this day. 

In English culture, up until the early 20th century, dowry and bride price (cash, jewelries, and land) made up the most important part of all marriage settlements signed by both families before the wedding took place.

Ya... I am always expected to buy chia seeds and Omega vitamins for her Mom, and Deodorant that they don't sell in Vietnam for her brother. They could buy their own but everything comes from China there, and nobody trusts China..... can't blame them.
My purchases have always been about sourcing rather than money...thank god
But I still buy her jewellery with every visit. 
It's weird because she spends more money on me when I'm there than it costs me for something pretty for her.  I think I got lucky

Well, due to many painful experiences, I'd like to share that money issues will end what's good in your life (as a couple).

Food - don't dweat it. But I would stay away from relatives and NOT allow her to pressure you into extending your lagesse.
***
Recently, I was to meet a middle saged, supposedly financially independent lady. She was in town, stying at a 3 x more expensive hotel (breakfast included). I really wanted to meet with her... But then, she announced her upcoming visit to my hotel, asking for my room number.

i provided the answer and described the way, also offering to guide her (or pick her up on my mptr scooter).

Next, she blew my mind, demanding i. me renting a 2nd room, ii. wining and dining her, iii. asking, "how many days do you want me to stay?".

The absurdity of it all hit me. And freaked me out. Keep it real. - She invented a business meeting in Hanoi.
Plesase try to minimize the bad situations and don't sweat the small things. Me, I found a good restaurant charging 40 k for a full plate.

Good luck!

Ignore your gut feeling. It will all work out in the end exactly as you envision.

@vic50 What does she look like? What do you look at? Are you dating out your weight class? No offense, but if she is a model looking type, and you're a middle age out of share male you can figure that out.  The best way to tell is if you met and she had as much money as you, would she be interested in you? Ask to see photos of her past BF's when she had financial means when she started the restaurant. 

By what I just read in your email, you have answered your own question. Unless you're so in love with her, and she can be a homemaker, a wife, a mother of your children than you should want to look after her financially, and protect her, the kids, the household. But if you're just looking for a GF short-term or long-term and that's it than you need to find someone who is more at your level of financial stability.

@jackf13311078

Hello jackf13311078. Welcome to expat.com.

The member's post which you are replying to is over 3 years old. Further, that member has not been active on expat.com in over 2 years. It is doubtful you will receive a reply from them.

In any event, member vic50 appears to have reached their own conclusion (Link, post #12) and has not since asked for additional advice.