Reconnecting with home
Imagine arriving in China. You will wake up to the sound of a temple bell at dawn. As you walk through the nearby park, you will see people doing tai chi and playing mahjong on wooden tables. In the afternoon, you stroll through the busy streets and colorful markets and then come home to the smell of dumplings steaming in the kitchen. To some, this may sound like an experience we cannot wait to have. To Emily, this was yet another day in her hometown of Chengdu.
"In my last year of high school, I couldn't wait to leave home. I was accepted to a US university, and I was so excited. And my first year abroad was so interesting,” Emily recalls. "But then I flew back home for Chinese New Year, and after I came back, I started to feel a bit lost. I realized I missed things about home, mostly basic things like food and festivals. American Chinese food is quite different from the Chinese food I am used to. And holiday celebrations here are more low-key compared to the festivals we have in China. I really wanted to be part of this new culture I was in, but I just couldn't see myself in it. I ended up finding a community of Chinese students on campus, and we got together for potluck dinners and holidays".
So why did Emily only start appreciating the small things about her home only when she left? And is this common?
Home as an invisible blanket
When we are home, everyday comforts and minor cultural nuances are like an invisible blanket. We feel their warmth – but we may not really see or acknowledge them. You may have your go-to coffee spot, your favorite hangout bar, or that one holiday your family always asks you to spend together. They are there to frame your life – but they are also so far back in the background that you may not be aware of how much they mean to you.
Once abroad, nostalgia may set in. With it, all the things you used to take for granted turn into cherished memories. You may start missing the food that seemed ordinary back home or pay more attention to holidays that remind you of your country. The pull may be just powerful enough for you to start seeking these bits and pieces of your homeland in your new destination.
Paul relocated to Shanghai from Germany back in 2014, and his experience is similar to Emily's. "I wasn't really patriotic when I lived in Germany. I didn't like the weather, and prices seemed too high… So when I got a chance to move, I did. And this is when I fell in love with Germany. It's funny, really. I don't plan to go back anytime soon, but I now have more German friends than I did back in Germany. I know the address and the owner of every beer garden in Shanghai, and I get into bar debates defending German politics. Sometimes, I can't believe it's me."
New is overwhelming
When you are in a foreign country, everything around you is new. It is exciting – but it can also get overwhelming. The language, food, and social norms are different. This will open you up to new opinions and ways of life – but it may also provoke a deeper appreciation for your roots.
And when you start searching for the familiar, you may seek out communities from your home country. You may do this through expat clubs, social media groups, or local meet-ups. These interactions are slivers of home and can help you regain a sense of belonging.
A search for identity
Sometimes, moving to a new country is like stepping into a new self. This very feeling got a whole episode on the popular TV series "How I Met Your Mother". Titled "Dual Citizenship", the episode focuses on the dilemma one of the characters faces when she needs to decide between her "old" Canadian citizenship and the "new" American one. In a moment of frustration, she says: "When I moved to the States, I swore to myself I wasn't going to change. And yet, here I am, in the most Canadian place in the universe—Tim Horton's- around the corner from the Hockey Hall of Fame, and I don't belong. It's like I don't have a country."
A lot of expats would relate to her pain. Moving abroad and living in a foreign country for a long time changes you on a profound level. You are no longer who you once were – but you are also often unwilling to fully let go of your old self. This puts you in mental purgatory, where you are constantly torn between who you are in your new country and who you were back home.
Keeping your roots is getting easier
We live in a time when staying connected despite the distance is easier than ever. Traveling and relocating 50 years ago was a completely different story than it is now.
Today, we get to video call friends and family from anywhere we are. We can exchange photos and videos in real-time and upload terabytes of media to the cloud to make friends and family watch them over a holiday dinner.
In most countries, you can now buy products from almost anywhere in the world. This means you can walk down to the store and get that very same chocolate you loved as a kid back home and pick up the ingredients for a dish your grandmother used to make.
You can also connect with and meet people from your home country wherever you are. There are countless expat groups and chats that bring fellow citizens together.
Expats from previous generations did not have any of these luxuries. For them, keeping that connection with home was sometimes not even an option.
Not all expats feel this way
While there are a lot of expats who do admit to having developed a deeper connection to home after moving abroad, some have quite the opposite experience.
Yulia moved from Belarus to San Diego and then to Hawaii. In her experience, home stays a loved but somewhat distant place: "I've never seeked connection specifically with people and/or places related to my home country. In fact, if, for some reason, I'm speaking my home language in public, I'm generally more prone to switch to English if I hear someone else speak it nearby. I've never had a particular interest in home cuisine-inspired restaurants, bars, clothing stores, etc. Having that said, I sometimes listen to music/watch movies at home that I grew up watching and cook a few of my favorite dishes from my home cuisine. My husband is not a big fan of them, and I'm okay with that - more for myself."
Some expats also find that their interest in their new destination overpowers both homesickness and nostalgia, making them feel appreciative of the experiences they get to live.
Inga, a former expat in Dalian, China, explains: "I spent 5 years in China, and I think I was pretty realistic about the new country's pros and cons for me as well as the benefits of my home country. There were indeed times when I was a bit more eager to represent my culture and my traditions or was complaining about something, saying: Oh, back home, it is so much better! But overall, I was accepting new rules of the game, trying to enjoy the new culture and experiences, and at the same time appreciating the things I loved about my home country."
What can we learn from this?
Living abroad often makes expats appreciate their home country more. It's a mix of longing for lost everyday comforts, searching for a new identity, and trying to find the familiar amidst the majorly unknown.
With that, some find a way to fully embrace their new world and keep "home" handy in their back pockets for rainy days. Balancing new and familiar seems to be the unique reality of living abroad.
