Seeking advice/tips on mzungu-kenyan relationships

Hi xzsawq21 and welcome to Expat.com!

Hope that you'll soon be enligntened.

Harmonie.

I am a Kenyan male

As for relationships, is it common for a girl to have several 'boyfriends' at once? I do not think it is "normal". She should commit to one partner.

What does 'single' really mean? Single really doesn't have any other definition. If your single you not seeing anyone else.

When does one go about defining a relationships?I have always thought being open and upfront from the beginning saves a lot of time and effort. 

What if she asks me to see her family? Unless you are planning to Marry her/get serious I wouldn't.

Should I be offering to pay for things? Yes you should.

What sort of things will she be expecting from me? financial support among others rates highly.

What does it mean if she has/has not introduced me to any of her friends. Could mean you are the other man or nothing at all. What do you think?

How does sex factor into a relationship.Highly!

Well speaking as a Kenyan female,
1. It is not common or acceptable to have several boyfriends at once.
2. Single is as the guy above has said. It's the same definition, the world over. However, lots of people say they are single when in fact they are messing around but because nothing is concrete or committed, they term this as being 'single'.
3. One should define the relationship as early as possible to save on hurt feelings or wasted time in case you're both not on the same page in terms of expectations of the relationship.
4. If she asks you to met her family, then it is a sign she is serious. We are very careful about who we bring home to the parents because we do not come from a culture where it is acceptable to date around before marriage.
5. Should you be offering to pay for things...yes. Should you be paying for everything, no.
6. What sort of things will she be expecting? Can't really answer this as all girls differ, however, I can assume fidelity, respect...
7. If she hasn't introduced you to her friends it might mean she does not trust them and wants to lock you down before they can snare you. Might seem ridiculous but a white man is 'hot' in the kenyan dating scene as many see it as their way to a mealticket.
8. How does sex factor in? Depends on the girl. If she's religious, then she might not engage in pre marital sex. Otherwise, it pretty much is a done deal usually.

my thoughts exactly nessacv

Yes you asked the question in the right place!
Sounds, something is a miss!
Not feeling the honesty exists!
Go slow, take a step at a time, learn her well.

take a risk, pray hard and hope for the best.

thanks for all the feedback, helpful perspective

hi am a kenyan lady living positive and lonely coz of the stigma.Hav come to lern that white men are encouraging when it comes to such matters.Please guys help me get a white guy whose positive like me.btwn 32-40yrs old.Someone ready to cope with our situation.
Thank you

The pyramid of life is based on these three things LOVE,SEX and SECURITY.Everything and anything we do can be grouped into one of these things regardless of race.So be sure this girl asks herself these questions can this man provide me with security(house,family,money etc)Security takes precedence as they can be no love without security can he love me(self explanatory), and finally can he express his love through physical intimacy Sex and further provide me with security in the form of children and family.

With me Im not in Kenya at the time but I have a lady there. AS we have made plans with what we are going to do in a life to gather I have meet family and her friends. But as some one said she did not do these tell we made plans for are life.hope this helps

xzsawq21, Hello,  Iam from the UK and have been married to a Kenyan lady (Kikuyu) for almost 15 years.  I have not regretted a moment of it. 

Regarding your concerns:

The 'cross cultural thing'.  For me, it never entered my 'arena', but my family and friends were full of the usual bulls**t about cross cultural relationships not being successful etc etc etc., which I ignored! 

It would be very easy for you to get your deeply held beliefs and suspicions about cross cultural relationships and cultural differences 'colour' your relationship and ultimately spoil it.  Try and let your thoughts on this go, as soon as possible.  Otherwise, when it comes to any disagreements between you, it will be so easy to blame the 'cultural difference', when in fact it isn't this at all.   

If it helps, remember that Kenya has been heavily influenced by the British, over the years.  Many Kenyans are therefore quite westernised.  Cultural issues are important, especially if the relationship progresses, and shouldn't be ignored.  The best person to discuss this with is your partner.  By doing this, you will be able to gauge how 'traditional' she is.  You can also get literature about the various tribal customs.
I found it useful to find out about these and understand the culture and beliefs - my parents-in-law live in a fairly remote village and are quite traditional.  I did this mainly by talking to me Wife and asking questions.  I find that the cultural difference is interesting and I have NEVER believed it to be a barrier. 

As previous posts have indicated; single means single.  It is common for Kenyan married men to have a mistress, but Kenyan women don't tend to have several boyfriends.

Defining a relationship; not really sure what you mean.

Meeting her family;  You will know she is serious when you are introduced to her family!  She may be more reluctant to introduce you to her friends, unless she is very secure in the relationship and can be sure that none of her friends will attract you.

Paying for things;  my experience is that Kenyan women are quite traditional in this respect.  You should offer to pay, in the first instance. 

Sex;  It is very individual and depends on how religious she is.  Why not ask what her views are?  Please get an HIV test done before sleeping with her.  HIV is common in Kenya.

Things to watch out for:   

How do you know that she isn't just after a meal ticket?  This is quite difficult, but I would be wary if she always wants to go on dates to expensive places, wants do do lots of shopping and for you to pay, always seems to have relatives who are in need of cash for medical expenses etc.

How do you know that she doesn't just want to get a visa to go to Canada?  Possible signs may be; a lot of talk about wanting to travel/live outside Kenya.  Possibly wanting to get married quickly.  Quite difficult to gauge. Perhaps fortunately for me, my Wife had been to the UK several times before we met ................ she never liked it much!!  I also knew a couple (Australian Husband, Kenyan Wife).  She had very much wanted to live in Australia, prior to their marriage.  When she went there, she absolutely hated it and they returned to Kenya.  From the  outset, my Wife informed me that she didn't want to live in the West.  If you are serious, you may need to be willing to live in Kenya ....... just in case. 

Above all, go with your inner feelings about your relationship - its often the best indicator.  It her intentions are not genuine, deep down, you will feel uneasy.

Greetings,

First post.

I'm an American male engaged to a Kenyan female much younger than me.  I, too, have traveled this globe for many, many years and I have been exposed to a variety of cultures and thus women of those cultures.

Without getting into specifics about my relationship with Naomi, I will attempt to make observations why she is different than any woman I've ever met.

In no particular order:

She is:

A terrific listener and only speaks when she has something to say.
Unusually beautiful by any standard but isn't pretentious about how she looks. (I will say it appears that Kenya has an unusually high ratio of good looking women compared to other countries.)
Loyal.
Confident in who she is.
Understands her role in our relationship which we have clearly defined.
Loves doing kid stuff...jumping on the bed, playing tag, running around just for the heck of it.
Happy to live in Kenya the rest of her life if she has to.  But ready to go wherever I lead her.
Doesn't give skin color and age any weight in our relationship. Her eyes are on my heart.

Note: We have talked at length about the world stigma of interracial relationships, especially in our case which is the most unusual of all: White man/black woman, doubled up because of our age disparity.  She is prepared. So am I.

Appreciates what she has and doesn't dun me for more "stuff"...uh, except for shoes...girl can't have enough  stiletto heels...
Enjoys cooking, cleaning, washing.  Doesn't mind getting her hands dirty.
Grounded, doesn't get too high when things are great or too low when times are not so great...even during that "time" of the month.
Loves her family.  She is her gram's primary caretaker and does gram's very personal daily duties that gram's has trouble with now, if you know what I mean, without a second thought.
Loves children. She doesn't have any of her own but when she gets around kids she jumps in plays like she is one of them.
Loves to dance.  It's a marvel how she can defy physics with different parts of her body going different ways in sync.

'Nuff said...

So, is she a typical Kenyan woman? I don't know. I have met her friends and family but I can't say she is the same or different from them.  I just know she is different than any one I've ever met anywhere when I look at her total "package".

Does she have faults? Sure she does. So do I.  But I have more trouble dealing with hers than she does with mine.  When I'm an idiot, it does't affect her vision on being with me forever one iota.  The only thing that will change her mind is if I am unfaithful for more than just the biblical reason. Unfaithfulness in Africa can get me and her dead. That, she made loud and clear. Like I said: Loyal...period.

I will say this: If for some reason we didn't work out and I was open for another relationship, without question I would be looking for another Kenyan. So there ya go...

Hopefully, I given you some insight to answer your own questions looking through my eyes as a guy who has been where you are.

One last: HIV is a serious matter to consider, duh, but especially in Africa.  We both got tested 3 times over a six month period to ensure we were not positive.  Do not take it lightly. Know everything about it and protect yourself, and her, until you know for sure you both are clear.

Good fortune to you, sir...

When it comes to sex, make sure you use a condom, always watch your drink when out at clubs, otherwise you don't want to end up miserable. Love all trust none. Plus time will tell based on the relationship.

Cheers,

Pauline

One cannot claim to be enlightened on all these matters all @ the same time, Actually, frankly speaking not many people understand these things, its always a risky venture, especially when it's cross culture...but enlighten you on some basic denominators...there has to be transparency even if the lady is from mars..she has to introduce you to her friends and or parents if she is serious about you... am speaking for myself when I say that I've been here all my life and still can't seem to get around Kenyan ladies on all fronts, they'll surprise you once in a while and makes it even the more interesting.(its a good thing!) As for multiple partners...NEVER!! Don't accept that!!
Gdluck.

Update from my previous post:

I was deceived.  The girl I described is not the reality.  I was played big time.  She took me for what she could get from me then left me.

She is Kikuyu, a liar and a thief. I saw a colleague last night I had not seen in 18 months and the same thing happened to him.  A kikuyu woman he loved just upped and left him.

I rescind my statement that if things didn't work out between us I would look for another Kenyan woman.  No way will I trust another Kenyan.

So my advice is now:  Have fun with her, laugh, dance, forget about being serious and expect her to leave you someday...

Sadly all of the above is true.

I feel bad for you Jabineer, coz you were in love and she was in it to con you. As a Kenyan lady, I almost feel like I should apologize to you for what happened.  The reality is, Kenyans think that foreigners are rich, so some of the Kenyans will get into relationships with foreigners to steal from them, but not all Kenyans are like that.  Please err on the side of caution when getting into interracial relationships, but don't assume that all Kenyans are like that.  There are some who are genuine as well.

jabineer..i wouldn't particularly agree on generalizing all Kenyan women as such. I do sympathize with your situation, but hey, relationships come and ago. I know of a very prim and proper lady who dated a 'foreigner' for a little over a year, but what he did in the long run..she still hasn't recovered.

unfortunately there is no script we can read to give an insight to the outcome of a relationship...

Ok, I'm resorted.  I apologize to all Kenyan women for painting you all with a broad brush of deceit.  Please forgive me for my idiocy.  Even though I am no longer in Nairobi for now, I'm still open to starting a new friendship with a beautiful lady and see where it goes.

All the best,

Jabineer

pole and all the best too.

you should be really careful.am a kenyan girl and there is some craze for wazungus (whites) among some kenyan women.just make sure your not used by her.otherwise many are receptive to interacial marriages and if your trully in love. goodluck

Just a statement of advice for the guys: Always proceed with caution.

I think any relationship someone enters you should be cautious regardless of where they come from, its individuals who deceive and sometimes you might pass on a good thing  because  you didn't at the same time it could happen vice versa so regardless of whatever hapennes because at the end of the day you will get what you want

Enough said on this... Kenyan ladies and foreignors they go crazy  whenever they see a white guy,.. Well the notion every enlightened kenyan girl has over whites is..>(they will give you money for sex which is crap)! Kenyan ladies work your a**es dont go looking for whites for (meal tickets) this is not a good picture.....But my heart is still for a Latino out there,....<3 them xx xx Jabineer sorry about what happened to you...(take it as a lesson but dont paint every kenyan woman as the same) beside this mentioning of tribe is unacceptable... All the best with the canadian Hope your true love is(the Kenyan)

Mo'nique M'hoyah wrote:

Enough said on this... Kenyan ladies and foreignors they go crazy  whenever they see a white guy,.. Well the notion every enlightened kenyan girl has over whites is..>(they will give you money for sex which is crap)! Kenyan ladies work your a**es dont go looking for whites for (meal tickets) this is not a good picture.....But my heart is still for a Latino out there,....<3 them xx xx Jabineer sorry about what happened to you...(take it as a lesson but dont paint every kenyan woman as the same) beside this mentioning of tribe is unacceptable... All the best with the canadian Hope your true love is(the Kenyan)

bueno yo soy Latino ,. ,
y voy a estar por allá un buen largo tiempo

@pinguinoma - In english please on this Anglophone forum!

Thank you,
Aurélie

Not all Kenyan women are bad,all you have to do is to learn her before u make any commitments .Test her in various ways ,then u'll be the judge .Mark u know one is guilty until proven ,but don't get urself deceived .

hola...@Pinguinoma,...Nice to meet you....Contact me when you  arrive.... cuidate y besitos

Jabineer I think its very wrong to say kikuyu women do this kikuyu women do that? Its very unacceptable as monique said but in any country you go u can either find fraud or u can find love so be careful but needless to say interracial relationships are the best in kenya. Considering the  different cultures and habits we make the best wives I would say hehe. Wish the best for the canadian guy and please treat your woman well and she will stay happy.

jejeje chileno tenía que ser

Thanks for the advises, really helpful!

AlejandroRivera wrote:

jejeje chileno tenía que ser

Thanks for the advises, really helpful!

wena perro , es dificil ver un chileno en kenya ,
= son re piola las minas de kenya ( si las comparo con chilenas )
ud. sabe

there is nothing strange with that my brother the only thing is you have to  set  your  bundary line clearly, so you dont get taken advantage of, be firn but not rude, ensure  you inform them about your practices or culture, to avoid conflicts both sides have to make  sacrifices or even compromise for the sake of the two of you, i'm akenyan in my extended family we  have such relationships and they are so nice,  they come with there von challenges but you got to face them  head on. personally  iwoul like to marry alady from the west including canada, ihave resolved to  sacrice somethings to keep my family to be together and my love life healthy.  your happiness matters! dont do it if you are not  ready to face the consequences of your decision!

pinguinoma wrote:

AlejandroRivera wrote:

jejeje chileno tenía que ser

Thanks for the advises, really helpful!

wena perro , es dificil ver un chileno en kenya ,
= son re piola las minas de kenya ( si las comparo con chilenas )
ud. sabe

jajaja muy cierto, hay chicas muy bonitas por estos lados

AlejandroRivera wrote:

pinguinoma wrote:

AlejandroRivera wrote:

jejeje chileno tenía que ser

Thanks for the advises, really helpful!

wena perro , es dificil ver un chileno en kenya ,
= son re piola las minas de kenya ( si las comparo con chilenas )
ud. sabe

jajaja muy cierto, hay chicas muy bonitas por estos lados

ten cuidado eso compadre mira k algunas son traicioneras ( como dice el loco de mas arriva ) / [ te lo digo por experiancia ... ;/

@AlejandroRivera & pinguinoma -> Can you please write in english on this Anglophone forum so that everybody can understand and participate?

Thank you,
Aurélie

[Moderated: Expat.com is not a dating website]

Love is blind, but don't wear rose tinted glasses. If you love her enough then you can surmount any difficulties. Go for it, and if it works it works, but don't look back in twenty years and  regret what you might have lost  if you don't try.

well said NoelG...

Just to add to the guy who was let down with his Kenyan girlfriend.....and am not generalising....but always beware if the age difference between the man and the woman is too big...REALLY!! I see it happen so many times and I always ask...WHAT WERE YOU THINKINIG...lets say man is 55 and the lady is 20!!

hi my dear
am a Kenyan lady.  am born here. all I have to warn you is to be very careful with ladies in Nairobi.  there are those nyce gals who are genuine but other are after what you have ofcourse money...
some chicks believe whites have everything and can provide for everything including paying for sex... how sad! 
be careful
take care