My german wife wants to go home

Hello all, I am out of ideas and I really don't know where to go so I am desperately looking for any advice or past experience that might help me see this in a different light. I'm going to try and keep this as brief as possible (just finished, it's not short sorry).

My wife and I met when I was stationed in Germany. She is an only child who at the time was living at home and her parents are about 10 years older than mind. We are only a few months apart (married at 27). Fast forward about 5 years after I left Germany, she moved here and we were married. Things were great. We had a great marriage going. I had a very good job which allowed for her to finish her school and work only if she wanted to. I could also send her home every year for at least 2 weeks. Only downside was I did travel about 25 percent. Shortly past our 2 year anniversary we made a decision to relocate for my work. We did, job was just as good and she was still working on her college degree. At this point things are still very good between us. We built a house and were really looking at making our new home, a home for a long time. About six months after our move we found out we are going to be having a baby. We had just bought her a ticket home and the due date was a couple weeks before she was supposed to leave. We had to cancel the flight but her parents decided they would stay with us for 3 weeks after the baby was born. Everything was still great. We were getting excited and everyone was super supportive. My family (lives 12 hours away) was so excited being that our daughter was the first grandchild.

Our daughter was born and that is when things started to get uncomfortable. Having my in-laws here was a big help for I didn't have paternity leave. After they left my wife started to get very upset but not horribly. My sister moved here to not only help but to have more of a life with our daughter. Unfortunately after she was about 2 months old my wife told me she was very depressed about home and asked if she could go home for an extended stay (2 months) being that she is not in school. I reluctantly agreed to a 5 week trip. Between getting the ticket and them leaving our relationship started to decline. She would get increasingly attached to the baby to the point that she wouldn't let anyone have her (including me) without her being right there. Anyway, they went to Germany and after her being there a week I knew something was not right after speaking with her. Every time we spoke I told her how much I miss them and that I can't wait for them to get back. I spent the last two weeks preparing the house for any contingency to make it a welcome home. But no matter how much I expressed my missing them I felt it was not received. I explained to my wife about halfway through her trip that we need to set up a night or two a month for just the two of us. I felt that while I know the baby is changing things, we can't neglect our relationship. A week after that she asked if she could stay another two weeks. I was devastated because it told me what I was already afraid of but in the end we couldn't do it financially.

When they came home it was not a happy homecoming. It started very subtly; then progressively got worse. She admits now that when she got back she was frustrated by me and my family because of our attitude toward her attachment toward our daughter. She felt that she is doing what any good mother does and we are irresponsible/overly-detached Americans but her level of attachment was seen as distrust for anyone except herself. My family and myself became increasingly concerned.

The turning point took place when we went to my hometown for a wedding I was in. She did not want to go for just a weekend but agreed to go for two weeks ending with the wedding. I would only be there for the wedding. In retrospect, this was a bad decision to have her up there by herself. My family was overwhelmed with worry that she didn't trust anyone with the baby, was homesick and was suffering from some sort of depression. Of course, my wife was infuriated by this and defended herself by saying she is raising her the best way she knows and we all don't understand. Once I got there it was argument after argument. And she told me that she is not going to the wedding because she can't bring our daughter. After some convincing she agreed but once she learned that she cried for awhile before going to sleep she replied "well that will never happen again". My family became even more worried. The day after the wedding my ailing grandfather took a turn for the worse and was given only a few days. We decided to extend our trip to attend the funeral.

It didn't get better. She was increasingly protective and defensive. We had another argument which my parents overheard and when they asked her if we are working on it she said we probably wont be able to and she is going home to Germany with our daughter. This was the last thing she said to my father (the day his dad died) which was four months ago.

We felt that something needed to be done or it really was over but we talked about divorce pretty seriously. After two or three tries we found a counselor that worked for both of us. Things are much, much better now in regards to being able to talk things through without getting angry. However, when things were at their worst there was a lot of distrust not only on her behalf but mine. In the end she destroyed my daughter's passport to prove she wouldn't take her without my consent but also learned that she couldn't do this legally...ever.

This brings me to our current time. We have had a pretty good rehabilitation for the past couple months. I would admit that we both feel that the biggest problem hasn't been resolved or even addressed but at least we are communicating. Within the past couple weeks though we have had a bit of a relapse. I don't know how it came it but it ended with her admitting that she is overcome with homesickness and wishes she could be raising our daughter as a German back home. She claims that it wasn't a big deal for her until she realized she actually has no control over where she can live with our daughter. The problem is that she wants to be home but knows that if a divorce were to happen I would not allow for her to take our daughter. She also wouldn't abandon her nor would I want her to. I don't know what can be done because her homesickness is so obvious and I expect it will only get worse. It effects everything she does and I think she tries to alleviate some of her sorrow by over-attaching herself to the baby. This is where we usually can't get along because when I try to encourage her to separate herself a little I am "trying to take her away". This aside, I offered to send her and the baby to Germany for two weeks this winter. Before booking though I asked her if she felt going home would make things better for her or worse, she replied worse without a second in between. I told her we should think about it then or offer for her parents to come here. I really don't want to lose my family but I feel like I have no control over that anymore. I either abandon my daughter for the happiness of her mother or explain to her that she can't go on this way for the sake of our daughter and our family.