Nothing specific.

Technology eh?..... Today I Googled- "Missing medieval servant"








......it came up with "Page not found".

Thought for the day!

Your only young once, but you can be immature forever.

tearnet wrote:

Thought for the day!

Your only young once, but you can be immature forever.

That's me to a 'T'.

Also ageing is inevitable, growing up is optional.

Kindred spirits......


.........Grow old disgracefully.






















Some day this dude will be a real cool cat.

My mates Thai girlfriend told him that a small penis shouldn't spoil their sex life,










he said she may be right, but he'd prefer it if she didn't have one.

MikeinPoulton just sent me this and my reply.


Are we still on for a beer in Nov as you said you might have guests?......(We are there 6-13th for dad-in-laws 80th)
Are we? Are we? Is the Pope a Catholic?
Absobluddylutely!!!!!


We got 34 years to catch up on. That's a lot of Cisk (and sod doctor's orders).

Send DZ Details. You got my phone numbers?


Anyone else want to join us?
I can book in for an overnight on mainland somewhere.

Sometimes one wonders how some people manage to breath let alone reproduce. Natural selection is obviously not working here:

http://blogdramedy.wordpress.com/2013/1 … servation/


THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY “THOMAS COOK VACATIONS FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS”:

1. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”

2. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”

3. “On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”

I'll book it but only if I can screen my fellow travelers first.

4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”

5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”

6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”

7. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”

8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”

9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”

10. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”

11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”

12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”

13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”

14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort’. We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”

15. “There were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”

16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”

17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”

18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”

19. “My fiance and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”

Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
 
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
 
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
 
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.
 
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to
Him, "Mike--Mike."
 
"Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
 
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
 
"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"
 
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
 
"Joe! Where are you?"
 
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
 
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
 
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"
 
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
 
"You're in the team for this Saturday".

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness?  Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money,  delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNINGS:
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

One of my favourites along with Shiraz.

always a favourite in newcastle sheeraz

If you think land rovers are good, look at this.....

http://www.youtube.com/embed/nq2jY1trxqg?rel=0

tearnet wrote:

If you think land rovers are good, look at this.....

http://www.youtube.com/embed/nq2jY1trxqg?rel=0

Good stuff!

Just a perhaps slightly humorous view when considering how long it takes to gain an ID card nowadays, here is something I read on another forum. If they could do that then?

In six days,yes six days following the surrender and the departure of Napoleon Bonaparte for Egypt.a civil code was laid down for Malta.Slavery was abolished and all slaves were freed.All feudal rights and privileges were abolished.A new administration was created with a government commission.Twelve municipalities were formed.Along these twelve Judges were nominated. Public finance administration was arranged.Public education was organised along principles laid down by Napoleon himself ,providing for primary and secondary education.Fifteen primary schools were founded and the University was replaced by an 'Ecole Centrale' in which there were eight chairs,notably arithmetic and stereometry,algebra and stereotomy,geometry and astronomy,mechanics and physics,navigation and chemistry. Sixty Maltese children between the ages of 9-14 were given scholarships to study in France. A new postal system and civil marriage was introduced. Monasteries and seminaries reduced and non maltese clergy expelled.Liberty ,equality and brotherhood began to take root for the first time in the history of these Islands.(Valletta hosted more prostitutes per capita than any other Capital City in Europe despite the celibacy of the Knights).Freedom of press,freedom of conscience were established.Jews were permitted a Synagogue. The Inquisitor was thrown out and his court closed down. Court appeals to the Roman Curia were stopped.

My thanks to David Raynor on this site: https://www.facebook.com/groups/302894063184370/

Breakfast surprise

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

" Morning Sex "

She was standing in the kitchen, just putting the heat under the pan for our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally
slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
“You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is
going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced
her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a grape stuck in one nostril.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

>
> Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
>
>
>
> The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the
> dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third
> day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put
> ...away.....
>
>
>
> The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she
> was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he
> didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the
> third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there
> was a huge dinner on the table.....
>
>
>
> The third man married a girl from England. He ordered her to keep the
> house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot
> meals on the table for every meal.
>
>
>
> The first day he didn't see anything.
>
>
>
> The second day he didn't see anything either.
>
>
>
> But by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could
> see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he
> could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
>
>
>
> He still has some difficulty when he urinates.....

The Afghan Footballer

The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football.   He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Newcastle with only 20 minutes left   The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation.   He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.   The fans are delighted, the players and the  coach are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today,  we were 2 - 0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won.  Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.'

'Just wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day …

Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle.

Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!!'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'

Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum.

'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'

Crow kills in US
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

Absolutely amazing!

Default Irish Sugar Test

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some whiskey onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar

Last nite me and my husband were setting up new email account and he types "MyPenis" as the new password and I fell on the ground laughing because on the screen it says "Error. Not long enough." 

Last night we were booked to go to a very good restaurant and a taxi was booked for 7.15pm. It did not arrive so I had to phone the restaurant and cancel our table. After I did that and we had started to walk up to the village square a minibus appeared. The driver was very apologetic as he explained the situation that he was a replacement for a taxi that had broken down. As I had cancelled the table we said 'grazzi but le grazzi'. He insisted on offering us a lift to the square, which of course we accepted and he refused a tip when we go there. This morning a very nice person telephoned me to apologise again and all I could say was 'thank you, I appreciate what happened and no worries'. She then said our next booking for up to 4 people, anywhere on the island, return trip is free and she sent me an email to confirm that. I'm telling you that my faith in human nature is daily refreshed here, the people are wonderful, polite, gracious and generous in their time. I imħabba Għawdex.

Yep, there are still a lot of good people out there.
Shame its the bad minority that get all the publicity!

Yesterday's history....

Tomorrow a mystery....
 

Today is a gift.... 

That's why they call it the present!

tearnet wrote:

Yep, there are still a lot of good people out there.
Shame its the bad minority that get all the publicity!

All I can add is that me and Lynn have been treated with nothing but welcoming kindness. I have not met anyone locally that I would not want to spend time with.

Arriva driver training http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5TTA4f7Q3E

Fibre optic or LEDs ?


@ Mick not Mike, perfect arriva training online manual except for the bus station pull out where they stop the bus 2 metres away from the front of the bay 7 minutes before departure time and as you run up and bang on the door they open the door to tell you off for stepping on the bay then it's 70/30 as to whether they let you on or not, I'm usually in the 70

What I have found at the terminus in Rabat is that the driver takes a short break and tries to close the doors as everyone tries to rush (stampede) on to the bus as soon as it arrives. They try to keep the doors closed so as to check tickets when passengers are permitted to board. On Thursday last the driver got a right strop on and insisted on seeing everyone's ticket when he got back on, after leaving the doors open. The bus was full. All part of the fun!

Wow!! The power of an expert moderator. Doesn't like what we post in response to his uncalled for comments so deletes the thread!! Nice one eh?
Must be quiet on the Brazil forum.

who decides and what is the criteria to be called an expert..... is it the number of uncalled for comments

toonarmy9752 wrote:

who decides and what is the criteria to be called an expert..... is it the number of uncalled for comments

No I think it's the amount of time they have spent in the country they are moderatei...wait..no sorry that's not it?

that being the case William why was it put back?

redmik wrote:

Wow!! The power of an expert moderator. Doesn't like what we post in response to his uncalled for comments so deletes the thread!! Nice one eh?
Must be quiet on the Brazil forum.

Spot on, still not sure what it was all about!

Storm in a teacup but....................sometimes it's best to let members sort things out for themselves.

You said report if we found something offensive, so I did. Sahha!

Woke up this morning to find a lump of Plasticine on my bedside cabinet..........


...........I don't know what to make of it.

Last night I dreamed I was the author of Lord of the Rings...........


....................Apparently I was Tolkien in my sleep.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
 
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

Welcome back Mike  What happened?

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat.  That's a lot.  Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

               Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.