Nothing specific.

went to see the doc at the weekend and he told me i needed a pacemaker - now i have this 6ft 6in kenyan in front of me every day

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth

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A female dentist prepared the needle to give a man with the toothache an anaesthetic injection.

“No way! No needles, I hate needles!” the guy said.

So the dentist started to hook up her nitrous oxide gas and the man objected again.
“I can’t do the gas thing either. The thought of having the gas mask on my face makes me faint!”

She then asked the bloke if he has any objection to taking a pill.
“No objection,” the patient said. “I'm fine with pills.”

When she returned she said, “Here's a Viagra tablet and a glass of water.”

The man said, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”

"It doesn't” she said, “But it’ll give you something to hold on to while I pull out your tooth."

I list in my hobbies as collecting empty bottles,

....................which sounds so much better than 'alcoholic'

I watched curling for a few hours today and I must say I found it very boring.
> Plus the women kept giving me funny looks through the hairdressers window.

Staff gathered in the car park for a fire drill at the sperm bank before the alarm had gone off,.......

.........it was a premature evacuation

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that
   I can have sex at 73.


   I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
   So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
   And it's the same side of the street.
   I don't even have to cross the road.

I remember when my wife gave birth to our first born. I said to the midwife, "how soon before we can have sex" and she said "well I get off soon so I'll see you in the car park in half an hour"

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC - PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYING IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary.

It means that 75% are running around untreated.

Something very strange happened last night. I was watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra, in the Winter Gardens in Blackpool and half way through the bloke on the triangle disappeared.

THIS IS VERY TOUCHING


One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his
limousine when he saw
two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.  "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."


The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you. "

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.  You'll really love my place.  The grass is almost a foot high."


Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story...did you????

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Joe. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you.
I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.


The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.


A few moments later, a second text came in:  Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

I stayed up all night wondering why the sun rose..........



............... And then it dawned on me

School Children Writing About The Sea

• This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

• Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

• If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have
sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

• Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

• A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy
age 8)

• My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily
Burniston age 5)

• When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would
whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be
better off eating beans. (William age 7)

• I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

• I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my
big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy age 6)

• Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give
you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

• When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin age 6)

• Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers
can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky
age 8)

• On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot
up her fanny (Julie age 7)

David Cameron is visiting a Glasgow hospital.
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness.
He greets one, who replies, "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o the puddin race, aboon them a ye take yer place, painch, tripe or thairm, as langs my airm."

The Prime Minister is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The next patient responds: "Some hae meat an canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat an we can eat, so let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, he moves on to the next patient,who immediately begins to chant: "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, thou needna start awa sae hastie, wi bickering brattle"

Now seriously troubled, Cameron turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'

"No" replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession.

Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'

She said 'I don't think you understand, my name was Andy and I played for Wigan!

Two Irish nuns have just 
arrived in USA by boat,
and one says to the other, 
"I hear that the people in
this country actually eat 
dogs."

"Odd," her companion
replies, "but if  we shall
live in America , we
might as well do as the 
Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a
push  cart vendor yelling,
"Hot Dogs, get your dogs
here,"  and they both
walk towards the hot dog
cart. 

"Two dogs, please!," says
one. The vendor is very 
pleased to oblige, wraps
both hot dogs in foil and 
hands them over. Excited,
the nuns hurry to a bench 
and begin to unwrap their
'dogs.'

The mother  superior is
first to open hers.
She begins to blush, 
and then, after staring
at it for a moment, leans 
to the other nun and in
a soft brogue  whispers:

"What part did you get?"

Dead duck!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she
cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now £150."

Congratulations you have won either £1000 cash or tickets to see Elvis Presley.


Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.......

I can see exactly 6 years into the future,


Rose says I've got 2020 vision.

LOVE AND THE ELDERLY

LOVE......has no boundaries. An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to... send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

I went to a disco last night,They played the twist,i did the twist.
They played the jump,I jump.
They played come on Eileen....
I got kicked out for that one

tearnet wrote:

I went to a disco last night,They played the twist,i did the twist.
They played the jump,I jump.
They played come on Eileen....
I got kicked out for that one

Allegedly California has the highest rate of adultery and depression..........


.......... I thought, that's a sad State of affairs.

A man is watching TV and his wife comes down and says"I just fell down the stairs, did you not hear me?"

Man,"Sorry i thought it was the start of Eastenders"

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
 
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey'

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running
around having fun kicking a football.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says..
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.
 
The boy looks at her incredulously and says:-     
"Because I'm the goal keeper !!!"

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".

"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10?! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."

A middle aged couple decide to move to Malta to escape the English weather. They hadn't had a holiday since their honeymoon but decide they'd better get a swimming costume to take to their new home.

Now it was 30 years and at least as many pounds since she had last worn a bikini. Wife asks Hubby - should I get a "two piece" or an "all in one?"

Hubby: Better get a two piece - you'll never get it all in one!

I thank you.

Adapted from BBC Devon  - the Old Ones are the Best morning joke!

BRIDGE ANYONE
A cleaning woman was applying for a new position.
When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, "Yes sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked.
They played a game called Bridge, and last night lots of folks were there.
As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say "Lay down and let's see what you've got."
Another man said "I've got strength but no length."
Another man said to a lady, "Take your hand off my trick."
I pretty near dropped dead just then when the lady answered, "
You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise."
Another lady was talking about her protecting her honor, and two other ladies said, Now
it' s time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine."
Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving,
I hope to die if I didn't hear someone say, "Well I guess we'll go home now, that was the last rubber."

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?"

............................I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness"

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, and thought to myself.....

......"well that changes everything"

what happens if you dont watch universal.... will it work

I just planted a flower using pure maths.

It has square roots.

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someone has just thrown a lump of cheese at me! I thought to myself that's not very mature!!

David Moyes has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year...


even if he has to write the song himself. !!!!

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.


One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane
And screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence.
Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.
He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...

Then, he spoke........


'Iron this -- and
Then get me a beer.'

There was an argument in the restaurant last night. This bloke threw a prawn salad at another hitting him on the head.

then shouted...............that's just for starters.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE NOTHING SPECIFIC THREAD....................Crikey! has it been so long already?

I just bought a digital radio on e-bay going cheap as it's stuck on full volume


I thought, I can't turn that down.