Dating/Marriage to Expats

wow interesting topic!
I used to be very confused about having sex before marrige,whether it's right or wrong. Now i see there's no right or wrong. It's just the way you choose to live. Some people like it, some people might not. When you're in a particular situation, you'll know what to do.
What will come will come

sweet_summer wrote:

It's been a long time since I'm here. The dating/marriage topics to Vietnamese girls are still as popular as ever.
Now I want to see the table turns, what are the things that the Vietnamese girls should be aware of when dating with people from a foreign cultures?

I'll start first.
Having dated an expat before, what I find most difficult is to find out who the person really is. Expats are from far-away lands, it's difficult for us to meet their families, to know their history and past. So if you date Vietnamese, you can verify most of the things they say and you can judge whether your trust is put at the right place. If you date expats, most of the things are from their mouth and their body languages, which brings a lot of uncertainty which might be exciting but extremely risky

I have not dated with any foreign guy but I got a chance to meet an American guy working in Hong Kong in Beijing, we were attracted to each other, hung-out for few times in Beijing. One month later, I went to Hong Kong to meet him (Im keen of travelling actually, not only to meet him at that time). We spent time together with few friends of him. The ways that his friends reacted told me that I was a bit special for him and was likely the first girl he "introduced" to them. Before I came back VN, he asked for sex and I did reject cause I thought we didnt know each other long enough! 1 year later, I met him and he just got married with an Indonesian girl, he told me so: "I dont know why, I trust it was only because - we're different culture and we did see things differently". Well, I trust Indonesian culture is different with American...

But, after that, I think it is not the question of sex, it is not the question of taking care of family (I trust any guy who loves his wife and cares about his family will help out the wife in all situations, not only for the house-work), but it's A question of whether you are brave enough to protect your relationship, you LOVE him enough to TRUST him, you sympathise to each other (and trust me, it applies for all dating/marriage not only with foreigners), you UNDERSTAND the culture of each other and ACCEPT the differencies of each other!

Well, I know, it sounds like theory! But theory is based on the analysis of the nature...

christine thuy wrote:

bta87 wrote:

My Bad Summer,
   I did not realize you had already replied to my question. I heard tell of some of this. One girl told me that her mother felt she had thrown sand in her face by being married yet. I've been told that in the village towns they really push them into marriage at a very young age. An age that would get you a felony conviction in some Western societies. Thanks for the wonderful insight into your culture. Stick around, tell us more. As Ross Perot would say "I'm all ears"

marriage at young age is as  part of traditional though not popular at big city such as Ha Noi o Ho Chi Minh. however, people still do care about that. at remote area or at Mekong delta, girl will probably marry at age 20-23,at age 30,you are consider as a bomb shell as what vnese would call or an aunts of family. they may afraid that their daughter can't get a good husband at that age. 30 will be too old to catch a good husband since all good guy might already married.that what the old folk would say.and they get pressure from that. in big city such as hom or Hanoi,people don't take real care of it,but it still affect. new generation girl will prefer to live independent,have work,obtain post graduate degree or a phd, travel here and there and won't settle down until they are forced to or find a right partner.girl is fighting with traditional to have more freedom but again,it is social culture and not sure how long it will take until society accept this change

Vietnam may have many young wives, however I think we do not have as many teen moms as, say, in the United States. So everything has pros and cons

Yes, the keyboard is acting up!

Christin Thuy,
    The point on virginity is at time quite misunderstood by those that do not understand human anatomy. This is true in many of countries that I've lived in. I know of a girl in VN that married, did not produce the proof of an intact hymen on the honeymoon and he left her. Even though she was indeed a virgin. A woman may not have an intact hymen for many reason, all far removed from intercourse with a man. But try convincing the uneducated of that. And certainly in many ways it is rather a silly double standard. What credentials must he bring to the marriage bed that he is indeed a virgin.

In Vietnamese culture, when a person "approves" of a marriage, he or she implicitly renders his/her supports to that union.  Thus, when something goes wrong with that marriage, the parties can turn to him/her.  This is why it is imperative that the soon-to-be couple abide by his/her terms. 

Let's say a Vietnamese young woman does all that is asked of her, by her parents, and she marries Joe Blow.  Then, Joe Blow turns out to be an a$$.  Her parents will be more than happy to take her back into the family fold.  However, if the parents had objected, and the young woman still insisted on marrying Joe.  Then, depending on how she was as a young girl, but even if the parents take her back, she will hear nothing but "I told you so," until the day she dies.

Call it what you will, but I believe this practice has its roots in the absence of an institutional safety net.  A few Vietnamese families even go as far as, aside from not taking their own daughters back, but they go to lengths to ostracize anyone who harbors them.  It is really bad and sad.  But, that is just the way it is now.

Until the Vietnamese government comes to its senses and institutionalizes some thing, this is going to continue, and we are going to have to deal with it.

AlexSarah wrote:

Just asking out of curiosity/naivety.. what's the situation with Vietnamese girls and contraception here?

Are Expat man expected to provide/wear condoms? Do Vietnamese women take the pill as an additional precaution? I know that you can buy them from Pharmacies here (although I've heard stories of them being fakes, but that's a whole new topic!)

Obviously I can't answer on behalf of Vietnamese women (one has thus far) but I'm curious: how would you answer that question if it were about the British Alex?

We both come from English speaking countries with fairly similar cultures but I have no idea how I would answer that question on behalf of Americans as it (what contraception is used - if any)varies so widely from person to person, couple to couple that I don't think there is an answer.

I will say that obviously any expat male who isn't ready to be a daddy would be well advised to wrap that puppy up. Birth control pills aren't foolproof after all and they are even less effective when not consumed.

AlexSarah wrote:

Yuli_nguyen wrote:

" Be careful if you are dating with foreigner. Not sure he is serious or maybe if have any mistake, you have babi, he can run away"

Just asking out of curiosity/naivety.. what's the situation with Vietnamese girls and contraception here?

Are Expat man expected to provide/wear condoms? Do Vietnamese women take the pill as an additional precaution? I know that you can buy them from Pharmacies here (although I've heard stories of them being fakes, but that's a whole new topic!)

Just recently I had a conversation with my fiance about this. She said if couples have babies they are less likely to leave each other. And she will not take anything orally to control birth control and I told her I'm never using a condom. I think sex is natural and they expect everything to happen naturally.

sweet_summer wrote:

christine thuy wrote:

bta87 wrote:

My Bad Summer,
   I did not realize you had already replied to my question. I heard tell of some of this. One girl told me that her mother felt she had thrown sand in her face by being married yet. I've been told that in the village towns they really push them into marriage at a very young age. An age that would get you a felony conviction in some Western societies. Thanks for the wonderful insight into your culture. Stick around, tell us more. As Ross Perot would say "I'm all ears"

marriage at young age is as  part of traditional though not popular at big city such as Ha Noi o Ho Chi Minh. however, people still do care about that. at remote area or at Mekong delta, girl will probably marry at age 20-23,at age 30,you are consider as a bomb shell as what vnese would call or an aunts of family. they may afraid that their daughter can't get a good husband at that age. 30 will be too old to catch a good husband since all good guy might already married.that what the old folk would say.and they get pressure from that. in big city such as hom or Hanoi,people don't take real care of it,but it still affect. new generation girl will prefer to live independent,have work,obtain post graduate degree or a phd, travel here and there and won't settle down until they are forced to or find a right partner.girl is fighting with traditional to have more freedom but again,it is social culture and not sure how long it will take until society accept this change

Vietnam may have many young wives, however I think we do not have as many teen moms as, say, in the United States. So everything has pros and cons

hello, it is mainly because of birth control and moral. in the US and some other countries, abortion is prohibited by law while in VN, it is allow by the government with the effort to control birth rate and population. Have you ever check on the abortion rate in VN and in US or internationaly?

Interesting. I did not realize that about abortions in VN.

and Australia, government gives $5000 for first baby so many young girls get pregnant for money

WOW the things you learn. What is the logic behind that. An over populated planet and they pay you to make'em.

bta87

It true bta87. In Japan and a few countries, they will pay you certain amount for having baby and provide monthly support till the kid reach majority age (18 or 21 depend on country) In sweden, you even dont have to pay fee for your child to go college or uni . With old population, they will use certain policy to encourage their citizen to give birth and increase birth rate.

it encourages a lot of ( **** behavior) this 1 good reason to be discouraged. generally the fathers bugg of so we end up with kids of 1 mum who dont have a common father and not one of them to take responsability

christine thuy wrote:

hello, it is mainly because of birth control and moral. in the US and some other countries, abortion is prohibited by law while in VN, it is allow by the government with the effort to control birth rate and population. Have you ever check on the abortion rate in VN and in US or internationaly?

Then we will have a whole new debate of whether abortion is right or wrong and maybe we need a new topic :p

sweet_summer wrote:

christine thuy wrote:

hello, it is mainly because of birth control and moral. in the US and some other countries, abortion is prohibited by law while in VN, it is allow by the government with the effort to control birth rate and population. Have you ever check on the abortion rate in VN and in US or internationaly?

Then we will have a whole new debate of whether abortion is right or wrong and maybe we need a new topic :p

then im definitely off for that topic. it not only discuss about moral, gvnt policy but it will touch to the mental part of a person. giving up a child is not an easy choice to make for whatever the reason behind. better to focus on the topic that you raise up

Hey bta87,same here turned out that she had been abused by her farther and mum knew what was happening did nothing, our marriage failed , we hadnt had *** before so i had no idea, its a real difficult area, to do or not to do ???????????????

Hello everyone.

We think that the topics discussed above are not relevant to the objective of the forum.

Please feel free to share your knowledge and experiences about expatriation in Vietnam on the Forum but avoid personal matters.

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Karen.
Expat.com Team

Sweet_summer: I think you touched upon a very real and significant aspect of the culture here. Of course, it. takes experience and skills to be able to detect a crook and a fake. I do agree that the Majority of westerners come here because of the availability of young sex. They are only out for a fling, a one night stand and think nothing further or take this seriously - that is their decadent side of things. So, it is easy to trick and cajole VN girls by promising love and whisper sweet things to these innocent virgins and then achieve their goals. You have given sound advice in this post and I would just add that almost any decision we take in life contains risk to a certain extent, but that's life. People are either honest and sincere or otherwise, for one reason or another, and a decision or no decision just has to be made to pursue your happiness.

ditto to the standards being high (or not low)

this kind of topic is so broad to talk about. Vietnamese girls are so different from ages, jobs, education, family background... either are foreigner guys.

I always felt awkward when a (western) guy approached with signal of one night fun. I just didn't know how to react. It's a big different things between vn and many other countries i still can't cope with.

Another different thing is that, in Vietnam general speaking we don't have "friend with benefits, casual dating/sex (non exclusive), random hookup, serious/committed relationship" kind of scene. We like someone, we meet up, we are dating with an intention of being in a serious relationship which should lead to a marriage if everything goes well. Simple & straight forward.

About expat guys here, again generalizing, guys who are below 35 probably tend not to settle down but just have fun. Not to say yet about the personalities and stuffs.

Cucda,
You are right, our cultures are vastly different. There are a lot in the west that expect easy sex when dating.  He likes her, she likes him, he thinks she wants what he wants.  I have found that the culture here in regards to sex is very refreshing.

khanh44 wrote:

AlexSarah wrote:

Just asking out of curiosity/naivety.. what's the situation with Vietnamese girls and contraception here?

Just recently I had a conversation with my fiance about this. She said if couples have babies they are less likely to leave each other. And she will not take anything orally to control birth control and I told her I'm never using a condom. I think sex is natural and they expect everything to happen naturally.

For what it's worth, my wife and I use natural family planning as well. We used it to prevent getting pregnant, and recently used it to help get pregnant.

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Regards.
Karen.
Expat.com Team.