Dealing with loneliness in Thailand

A great read David. Others thanks for the advice you have all written. I will put this advice to the test when I come to Thailand in September. Many thanks, Brian   

There are more places to meet people online than ever, with more groups set up for just that thing.  I've mentioned some, and I'll add a couple more that I've referenced less directly.  That route would take work, of course, and it's going to be a little awkward joining in an activity with a few dozen people you don't know.  People who are more introverted would find that very difficult, and people who are extroverted with an aptitude for meeting random people might not have had the same problem in the first place.  Onto more online references then:

https://www.meetup.com/Bangkok-Cultural … ge-Meetup/https://www.internations.org/start/https://www.facebook.com/groups/165769306815624/  (a meditation group)

Really anywhere you find locals online (foreign or Thai) who you share some commonality with would work for a place to strike up conversation.  That's probably going to seem more natural based around a common interest.  If you're interested in cooking you might try a cooking class, for example, or join a Foodie group.  The Bangkok Foodies group on Facebook doesn't hold meet-up events but once you talk to people more direct networking could follow.  Others have mentioned joining a local gym; that would work.

Trying to help others might be a good way to network.  If you travel around locally you could offer other people advice online about that, which wouldn't necessarily lead to meeting a lot of people, but connections have to start somewhere.  Online discussion can be a bit thin but it is socializing, in a sense.  This is one place to talk to people about local travel issues, to answer questions:

https://www.tripadvisor.com/ShowForum-g … iland.html

In general just being in Thailand doesn't make for a lot of commonality to base much discussion around.  One set of expats with an interest in bars would end up seeing each other there, but that leaves out a lot of people, and a bar could seem like a lonely place alone.  There are exceptions where just talking about Thailand and local issues online is the running theme, like here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Thailand/

Great approach.  Thanks for sharing.

Who wants to go to a bar all the time? I dont

I feel like most of you say "go do some activities, visit places, talk/smile to people, etc, online dating, etc.

I just wanted to state this question as a reflection: why or when does someone feel lonely? Is it when they are all alone? or is it when they FEEL that they are all alone?

You can be amongst so many friendly, smiling people and still feel lonely. I believe the key in dealing with loneliness is having what the Germans call "Vertrauenspersonen". Someone you can trust. Someone who you don't just occasionally hang out with over a beer, someone who you don't just "do" and pretend to be affectionate with, but someone who you genuinely care about, and this person genuinely cares about you. Someone who would call the police if you one day don't repond to their messages in a timely manner. In short, someone who "gives a f*ck" about you, not because they want that money to keep coming, but because they really feel connected to you. Not having this someone is what causes so many people to feel lonely even when having lots of friends.

Having defined the condition, I would admit that having lived 3 years in Thailand, and being a female, I am indeed lonely. Very lonely, at times. Sometimes it's just the longing of being touched (no, I don't do hookups, because those are not fulfilling), but more often it's the longing of having that mental connection. Having someone to care about and someone who cares about me and actually WANTS to spend time with me. And I'm not just talking in a romantic capacity here.

Maybe it's the social media, the internet, or whatever trend, but I do feel like our society is changing. People don't value friendships anymore. People dismiss each other very easily. People just don't even bother to reply to messages anymore for the sake of respecting the conversation partner. People tend to (unconsciously) think that everyone is replaceable, so people no longer put in much effort in interpersonal relationships anymore.

When it comes to male-female relationships, it seems to me like every guy in Thailand is only about sex. Sex is number one, and mental connection doesn't even come close to being talked about. And I have heard of men seeking someone with whom they can have a mental connection with, even if they already have Thai girlfriends. Apparently, most of the Thai girlfriends aren't quite capable to give them this so despite having a partner, they are still lonely. Then I can only question: why be with this person then? Is the sex that good?

In my experience, I am still having quite a bit of trouble seeking this mental interpersonal connection both with Thais and with expats. Thais seem to mostly be capable of talking about the shallower aspects in daily life, media, and celebrities, whereas expats tend to just disappear after one meeting, or they tend to be too busy to hang out with.

I don't have a solution on how to deal with loneliness, I must say. I think as individuals, there is not much we can do, except to better ourselves and become better friends and better people. But I think what needs to change so that less people feel lonely is this: society needs to put more value in deeper interpersonal relations. Stop with the instant mindset. Stop with the instant gratifications. Realize that when you feel lonely, you are longing for that deeper connection. Sleeping with different people every weekend won't help. Keep trying to find your "Vertrauensperson", and don't settle and date a hot but shallow individual with whom you can never genuinely deeply connect with.

I agree with the writings of Vate re the Thai - Expat relationship
I have yet to find a Thai with which I can have a deep discussion as they all seem to be shallow and do not have the ability to have discussions outside their sphere  of knowledge and that is restricted due to the cultural back ground
That saying I have a Thai GF who I have been staying with for four and a half years and she is the most wonderful person I have ever met
I have had a bit of a traumatic life with Farang women as I have always liked strong women and could not tolerate ignorant and weak women and men.
My cultural and mental stimulation I get by speaking to expats who I know and corresponding and skyping with friends who I have been friends with for many years.
It is sad to say that the moment you make friends with another person of the opposite sex most people think you want to start a physical relationship with the person.
I have several female friends in my home country who I visit and correspond with to achieve the deeper relationships which I cannot have with Thai ladies.I live in a small rural village and here survival is all they can speak about
My GF has a four years teachers degree but the only outlet she has are the local people who sure as fate do not have the ability to have a deeper cultural or relationship with.
I really have sympathy for Vate as a female in Thailand

barrytaylor wrote:

I agree with the writings of Vate re the Thai - Expat relationship
I have yet to find a Thai with which I can have a deep discussion as they all seem to be shallow and do not have the ability to have discussions outside their sphere  of knowledge and that is restricted due to the cultural back ground
That saying I have a Thai GF who I have been staying with for four and a half years and she is the most wonderful person I have ever met
I have had a bit of a traumatic life with Farang women as I have always liked strong women and could not tolerate ignorant and weak women and men.
My cultural and mental stimulation I get by speaking to expats who I know and corresponding and skyping with friends who I have been friends with for many years.
It is sad to say that the moment you make friends with another person of the opposite sex most people think you want to start a physical relationship with the person.
I have several female friends in my home country who I visit and correspond with to achieve the deeper relationships which I cannot have with Thai ladies.I live in a small rural village and here survival is all they can speak about
My GF has a four years teachers degree but the only outlet she has are the local people who sure as fate do not have the ability to have a deeper cultural or relationship with.
I really have sympathy for Vate as a female in Thailand

So your gf is not capable of giving you that cultural and mental stimulation, then? Why stay with her? Why not keep searching for that special someone, someone who rocks your bed, but also rocks your mind? If you are into Asian women, there are plenty of Filipinas here, and they are usually more "suited" for the western mind. Even though for me, they seem to be too fake to ever be close with. Just my personal experience. Or other Asian expats. There are plenty of women here, even Thai, who have had western education and is thus fully capable of communicating and connecting on a western level. But then again, I guess these types of women would know their quality and would want a guy their own age and status. Also you men probably come to Thailand to avoid westernized women like these, am I right? Then I guess the choice is only between 2 types of asian women: 1. modern-thinking westernized women with whom you can actually be best friends with on a deeper level, or 2. not-so-modern-thinking women who cannot be your true best friend *** but she otherwise fulfills your sexual and domestic and egoistic needs. To me, it's clear what most farang men in Thailand prefer. It takes a strong, confident man to want the first, because yes, she will be able to debate you. It is easier to handle the second type of women. Easy means...?

I do not consider rocking my bed at my age to be the most important
As said I have had two very strong women in my home country and led a very interesting life
I now want peace and quiet  and just a relaxed old age. I have got to know this woman well and to compare her with a dog is insulting
It seems to me you are a bitter woman as you seem to have difficulty to make friends in a lovely country. I do not need her to fill my egoistic or domestic needs as my confidence in myself is large enough not to need such a person in my life
I can also look after myself without the need of a women as I was a widower for many years.
She is not young anymore and is not a doll on my arm either.
I feel you are insulting many men here in Thailand because they do not see it "your way" and I think you owe many an apology.
I really hope you find somebody who could be your friend  intellectually even though you sound very conceited.
I have met several Thai women who are Western educated.
I am sure I will debate you on most matters but why should that be a challenge to me> I have been in many debates but not with people who are insulting

I'm speaking generally. If you feel insulted, then that is out of my hands. If you ask me, you are the one who sounds embittered towards what you yourself said are "strong women", indicating you are not strong enough for them. So you would rather have it the "easy" way. Which, I'm sure, for a man your age is just fine and fully understandable. Time to wind down and live a chill life under the palm trees with a can of Chang, eh?

@GuestPoster145 being alone and being lonely are two very different things. You can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely. It has nothing to do with being a hermit.  It also has nothing to do with being single as a high percentage of people in relationships and marriages also feel lonely. Loneliness is a state of mind. Some people are more prone to it than others.

If you are lonely in Thailand you must be a homebound hermit or very shy because it is actually quite difficult to find space to be alone. I can’t speak for women but men have access to an industry which caters to lonely hearts and seems to be very popular.
-@GuestPoster145

Loneliness has nothing to do with being shy, being alone or being a hermit. It's a state of mind and heart that some people experience more than others. You can be in a crowd and feel very lonely. It also has nothing to with being single as many married people or people in relationships feel lonely.

@Vate

Are you still living in Thailand or have you moved on.

Here's a quick and easy tip: do not date women significantly younger than you. Date women near your own age or at least mid 30s if you're much older.

Do not date women that don't have a similar educational background to you (although the ladder isn't always necessary, it helps).

Never, ever date a girl or a woman from the bars. I've been here 20 years as a lawyer, and working girl-relationships has about a 1% sucess rate.

There are so many beautiful, well-educated women in their thirties and forties on tinder it blows my mind.

There's a big difference between having a good sexual relationship and having a good relationship. Saying that you can't get your cultural or intellectual needs met by a Thai woman means you're looking in the wrong fucking places... I know plenty. I have half a dozen working for me, and I married an outstanding lady six months my senior. We'll stay together until one of us dies... I've got a postgraduate degree, so I looked for a woman with a postgraduate degree.

And guess what? I can talk to her about anything.

I'm getting a little sick and tired of clients coming to me complaining about wanting to divorce their wives that are 30 years their junior, but they put all their property in their names. You're almost so stupid you deserve to lose it all. You can get most of it back, but it's going to cost you one way or the other. And it's your fault.

Go back and change your Tinder ages to +/-5 years of your own age and grow up.

Depends where the women grew up and what their exposure was to the outside world.

My wife has a four year degree abut lived her whole life in  a small village and she is sixty

I just do not understand how men can date these kids who they meet in a bar or on the streets of Pattaya ,Bkk etc

As   Jack says ,you are tendering for trouble and donating your money to the woman and family.

here where I live there are several women who are intelligent, well educated but the men all want to go to the fleshpots of Bkk etc.

@JacktheLawyer Agree...   Except I did meet my wife 22 years ago from a sewing factory in East Bangkok. Was introduced to her by a good that friend that used to give me a sports massage during my winter 1500m training in Thailand.

My wife also athletic with lots of sporting interests, (key for our relationship) but she left school at 12 to work on a building site in Bangkok.

Tough as old boots, doesn't mind getting filthy and not afraid of hard work. She is still the same today at 53 years of age and still a size 6. Her dark Isaan skin, lovely smile, beautiful heart, athlete, paddleboarder, exceptional cook, wears little if any make-up. many things not found in a bar girl.

She isn't educated in the university sense, but she teaches me something every day.

I am 60 today, so our age difference is 6.5 years. Still going strong and looking to purchase land in Sisaket shortly and move to Thailand permanently in September 2023.

Most guys get away with acting 40+ younger than they are and wouldn't behave like that in their own country.

Others desperate for a partner after being single for too long in their own country make the mistake of falling in love with the bar girl. And don't cotton on to the fact that whilst they are having fun, the girl is working.

A large age gap doesn’t necessarily mean that a relationship won’t work. I’m 19 years older than my wife, although she was in her mid 30s when I met her so she at least ticks that box on Jack’s checklist! She also has no qualifications but there’s a good reason for that. Both her parents were killed in a road traffic accident when she was nine years old, a tragedy that not only robbed her of her mother and father but also denied her the opportunity to achieve her potential as her education was brought to an immediate end. Her lack of academic qualifications does not make her stupid though – she’s actually very bright and as a result of her mixed parentage speaks both Thai and Mandarin fluently. Bilingualism seems to have given her a natural gift for languages and she has a good command of two more with a smattering of a fifth.

Something I noticed about her early on in our relationship was that despite doing a job many might consider menial, her attitude to her work was thoroughly professional. She shares my work ethic and a lot of other values too. I’m full of admiration for how she’s dealt with such a difficult hand in life, and she seems to think I’m all right too! She isn’t at all the type of person I thought I’d marry – she’s strong and feisty – but it works, and having known each other for nearly 16 years already I fully expect us to be together “till death us do part”.

@Vate Are you still living in Thailand  and upset with life

I tend to agree with Jack the Lawyer - but I have seen a few relationships around 15 years or so that so work out just fine - which means after the Expat has bought 'her' land and house and car etc.  Also know of many that did not (and wil not).  Met my Thai wife when I was in 50s and she was in 40s - together over 10 years now and we get along great.  I strongly recommend not allowing the age gap to be more than 10-15 years, and that she is over 30 if you are in 40s, and over 40 if you are in 50s.  The most pathetic sight I ever saw was a stupid old Farang (80+) walking with his Thai GF (20 something) - he was all proud and showing off - she was reading facebook of whatever and nodding to him when needed.  IMO you should take the view that an ex-bar girl is never going to work out - never ever - have some fun by all means but look elsewhere when/if you want a long term relationship. But dont 'do' the bar girls scene for too long - their 'smell' will be all over you, and 'good' Thai girls can sense it a mile away - unless of course you decide that is how you want it to end (alone, lonely and sad).

My wife disagreed with jackthelawyer to pick girl close age to your, she said who is going take care of who in sickness when both are over 70 + . Some country girls are more family type than city girls but how can you tell lt is difficult . I agree with jackthelawyer always protect yourself, good woman still available you have to know where to find them usually your good friends can tell you better than anyone else.