Vietnam relationships / Children / Marriage

vndreamer wrote:

Oceanbeach, I did not opine on child support.  Assuming the child is the OP"s, then yes, mother may apply for child support.  However, there are many factors that determine how much the OP would have to provide.   If he is smart, he would not be paying much at all and I will leave it at that.

Dreamer,

I hear what you are saying and understand what you mean.

I think the child must be remembered, and I have a hard time calling a man "smart" for avoiding paying child support.

Sounds more like you are describing a "Deadbeat Dad".

Cheers!

O.B.

braymor wrote:

I assure you that I am completely real.
A couple of points: I live in Seattle where the median home price is over $1 million, so it's truly not that much money in some parts of the world.  We have Amazon, Boeing, Microsoft, Starbucks,  etc all HQ here and legions of people earn 6 figures.  But it also costs a tremendous amount to live here.  Feel free to move here and take a shot if that appeals to you, although this not at all important to this discussion, I should not have mentioned that in my original post.

There is a fair point to be made about me being an idiot for getting into this situation, but please allow me to defend myself against that claim. I didn't include the following information on my original post because it was already long enough:
I have 1 bother who was never able to have kids, and my second brother tried for a few years before using IVF treatment successfully.  I had my sperm checked a few years ago because I assumed I may have the same condition and wanted to know.  The result was that my count was very low as well.  Considering I had never caused anybody to become pregnant in the 20 years since high school and several relationships, I did not expect to get this news.

I did end up getting tested about a month ago and was told my count was low, but that there was still some chance it could happen.
Well, it happened.  And it was only 2 times that we were intimate, but it happened to be while she was most fertile.  It takes two to tango, but if I'm being honest, I would say she initiated the first encounter.  In any case, a DNA test is imminent and will reveal if somehow it's not mine.
Am I an idiot? Maybe.  But I am in a particular situation as a result and trying to do the best thing.  Do I think my needs outweigh hers? Absolutely not.

I just went through this process myself. I met my fiancée late in 2017 and we conceived a child together not on purpose. Nonetheless, I still had intentions of marrying my fiancée with the K1 Visa process but then had additional work for our child. I went to VN for the birth of our child and stayed roughly 90 days due to FMLA approval (yes I am from the USA). I submitted paperwork through the US Consulate to transfer my citizenship via the CRBA process and we were successful with that.

I am not going a lot into detail about my financial background but it is decent and I never once thought to myself “what about my money?”

I watched my child be born in HCMC in the hospital and held my child and only thought about what I can do for and make sure protect my child and it’s mother.

You can get DNA testing there in VN but is pretty much required at the Consulate if you request the CRBA process.

If you submit a K1 application, it denotes that you are responsible for her financially for the next 10 years whether divorced or not and a judge will take that into consideration should a divorce take place so having a prenup may not necessarily protect you and that’s before getting to child support.

No one can understand what the heart wants or try to change someone’s mind because the hearts desire is stronger than others advice. In your situation I wouldn’t be thinking to myself, “ I need to do the right thing” because that means your focus is divided. Your love for money is stronger than the love you wish to share with someone who is human that you helped create. In that case, you are better off leaving the mother with the child in VN to be helped by her family and you should financially support them. Also it would be beneficial for your to transmit your US citizenship to that child should someday they wish to move to the US to take advantage of a “better life”....so funny how Americans want to retire to VN for a “better life” or others moving there to teach English or find work.

The 90 days or so I stayed there in VN it opened my eyes to how things aren’t all that wonderful. People work hard and have very little but they do have strong family ties which is something I took back with me that I will embold into our family.

you sound so cold and unfeeling and callous - but you still managed to sleep with her and get her pregnant.

you sound like a complete *** to me (no pun intended)

Hi Braymore,
Good story, i understand your concern, but let me tell you my version.
I live in Saigon, have a wonderful girlfriend, with whom i have an even more wonderful son (about 5 months old now).
I met my gf online, which was for my part just a way to pass time, but she was serious, so i went to see her in Nam, and man, i got smitten big time.... these women here are so wonderful and loyal, sure there were misunderstandings in the beginning, but mostly due to lost in translation, so be patient.
An age difference of 10 years is nothing to these girls.... I am 63 and my gf is 28, but they genuinely love us and cherish us foreigners very much, and if you know the  general thinking of the VN men, that it is ok not to marry for love, and having one or two girlfriends on the side is considered "manly", then you know what to do and not to do to keep her.
I met my gf in Oct 2018, and in Dec she got pregnant, i was of course ecstatic since i didn't think that i could get anybody pregnant at my age, we did get a DNA test, only because the VN government requires that for the birth certificate, i did not have a seconds doubt that the little boy was mine, especially after he was born.... he looks a lot like me . Please be careful suggesting a prenuptial agreement, since that can be a sign  of mistrust, and that you dont want to go into this relationship wholeheartedly, i mean how would you feel if you got pregnant with a guy and he dropped this on you?....
I have been married with a tyrant woman for 17 years, so i know how to spot a bad and good woman, and trust me my gf is the best and most wonderful that ever happened to me..... by the way we are moving to Europe in April, to have a better life, especially for our son, and we will get married in Denmark, since a lot  easier for mixed couples... and i am Danish
So my advice is put your heart and soul into this and you will have a wonderful life.

macintyre wrote:

you sound so cold and unfeeling and callous - but you still managed to sleep with her and get her pregnant.

you sound like a complete *** to me (no pun intended)

If you feel the OP is a ***, you're going to hate the local males when you see what they get up to.

What is the going time now to get fiancée to U S A now

I know their behaviour is by our (normal) standards, pretty atrocious, with the girlfriends, and gambling, which is why AU etc males are attractive to them as spouses (also i believe we are far more generous, whereas the normal VN way of household finances very different), but on the other hand, I believe that domestic violence with wives or kids is very rare, and I am told punishment by neighbours or police very severe and immediate.

but as they say, two wrongs don't make a right.

just because some people, men AND woman, behave callously and/or dishonestly and/or immorally and/or unethically, doesn't make it all right for 'us' to do it too, and just excuse it, justify it, by saying "oh, well, at least we are not as bad as THEM".

But there is not one standard, we all have our own conscience and morality so we can sleep at night, and not be troubled by the decisions and in/actions we have made: BUT, the danger is that we slowly slide down to the 'lowest common denominator' without realising it, like the frog in the hot water.

And in AU, US, and in VN even, you can see the major major drop in previously accepted standards of language, acceptable behaviour, decency, and simple ethics and honesty, and, btw, helping other people in small or large need.

macintyre wrote:

I know their behaviour is by our (normal) standards, pretty atrocious, with the girlfriends, and gambling, which is why AU etc males are attractive to them as spouses (also i believe we are far more generous, whereas the normal VN way of household finances very different), but on the other hand, I believe that domestic violence with wives or kids is very rare, and I am told punishment by neighbours or police very severe and immediate.

but as they say, two wrongs don't make a right.

just because some people, men AND woman, behave callously and/or dishonestly and/or immorally and/or unethically, doesn't make it all right for 'us' to do it too, and just excuse it, justify it, by saying "oh, well, at least we are not as bad as THEM".

But there is not one standard, we all have our own conscience and morality so we can sleep at night, and not be troubled by the decisions and in/actions we have made: BUT, the danger is that we slowly slide down to the 'lowest common denominator' without realising it, like the frog in the hot water.

And in AU, US, and in VN even, you can see the major major drop in previously accepted standards of language, acceptable behaviour, decency, and simple ethics and honesty, and, btw, helping other people in small or large need.

It seems you may not understand too much about Viet Nam. Domestic violence is a huge problem here.

https://www.asialifemagazine.com/vietna … vietnam-2/

It seems that your mind is at peace and now it is time to let your heart be your guide.  Personally I married a VN girl way back (1972) and we are still together.  We both made it clear that we were in love with each other and to hell with what anyone else thought. Fortunately she had no illusions about my being rich or anything because I was still an E3 in the Navy at the time we met and made it clear that I was not.  So 47 years, one son and two grandchildren later we are still together.

Not according to my (ex) wife: well as far as I could understand her, and then VN do 'gild the lily' and say whatever it suits them to say. I have friendships and have stayed with several Vietnamese, but it is not necessarily something you start talk about around the dinner table, especially with two-way language difficulties.

but in any case, my/this point was a digression from my ain point.

macintyre wrote:

Not according to my (ex) wife: well as far as I could understand her, and then VN do 'gild the lily' and say whatever it suits them to say. I have friendships and have stayed with several Vietnamese, but it is not necessarily something you start talk about around the dinner table, especially with two-way language difficulties.

but in any case, my/this point was a digression from my ain point.

Just wondering, how long have you been residing in Viet Nam?

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   I (don't) get tired of telling Ethos, Pathos, Logos

   Logic always comes last...

   And I agree traditional standards are falling before the
sweeping changes capitalism is bringing to Viet Nam, even
as Western ideals are being touted as 'the way to go'

   Still, human behaviours don't change as quickly if you care
to study social mores and demographics, and while helping
others is a categorical imperative: with integrity as the base
virtue all others arise from, we must also remain vigilant when
attempting to assist grows to dependence or far worse, just
another way for corrupt individuals & groups to take as much
as they can get away with before the 'good guys' awaken

   Such stuff is ubiquitous to all cultures, not only here

   We all wannabe better.   Best to be aware - and beware

    Recognition remains the wordless sutra

.

the 'funny' thing is, having experienced at first hand how these things go pear shaped in a big way and extremely costly and emotional and financially (wow, don't I know that!), I plan to do the same thing all over. sorry, I am very slow learner and romantic fool. :-)

But with important differences, like living in Vietnam, like loving a woman who is honest (yes, yes), and hard working, and who has not got great expectations about rich Australian, or Permanent Visa, but just some simple happiness and love and togetherness.

[I briefly looked at finding a woman for marriage/relationship in AU, but i find they are mostly playing a 'game' of wanting a relationship, but not really want at all.]

So if you're for real OP, I guess the main thing that matters is to do the right thing in the situation, not the convenient thing. Yes, your girlfriend may have financial motivation. But that doesn't mean you can't have a legitimate relationship. You just need to know how to protect your finances, while still accommodating her needs and the needs of your child. Think win-win-win.

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macintyre wrote:

the 'funny' thing is, having experienced at first hand how these things go pear shape, sorry, I am very slow learner and romantic fool. :-)

[I briefly looked at finding a woman for marriage/relationship in AU, but i find they are mostly playing a 'game' of wanting a relationship, but not really want at all.]

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   I wouldn't worry too much about (trying to) figure out the best way of (any) relationship

  It comes with the terror-itory of being an (advanced?) animal: human.   And we have had
  thousands of years of history & mystery to get to where we are now: no further clued in

   The rest of his story?   The 'games' will continue as long as both gender want to have
   the cake & eat it too; denying response-ability.   Commitment being the fault here, as it
   means hard work and daily dramas & drudgery.    Now who would want that..?

    I'm guessing, but it seems to me that so many get lost in the forest by not being able
    to see the wood in the trees: too obvious?   Too easy to ignore.

           ..but then, Love makes us all fools...    And very few winners...     
.

Bazza139 wrote:

.

macintyre wrote:

the 'funny' thing is, having experienced at first hand how these things go pear shape, sorry, I am very slow learner and romantic fool. :-)

[I briefly looked at finding a woman for marriage/relationship in AU, but i find they are mostly playing a 'game' of wanting a relationship, but not really want at all.]

.
   I wouldn't worry too much about (trying to) figure out the best way of (any) relationship

  It comes with the terror-itory of being an (advanced?) animal: human.   And we have had
  thousands of years of history & mystery to get to where we are now: no further clued in

   The rest of his story?   The 'games' will continue as long as both gender want to have
   the cake & eat it too; denying response-ability.   Commitment being the fault here, as it
   means hard work and daily dramas & drudgery.    Now who would want that..?

    I'm guessing, but it seems to me that so many get lost in the forest by not being able
    to see the wood in the trees: too obvious?   Too easy to ignore.

           ..but then, Love makes us all fools...    And very few winners...     
.

Well summed up!

There are "No" guarantees in life! You take a chance and both parties need to do their best...everyday. get a prenuptial agreement. You know all you've built so far belongs to You. Only if you co-mingle your past wealth will she be entitled to half...such as....you sell your existing home and purchase a new home putting her on title. Make a joint bank account and keep a small amount for her to buy what's needed in the home or give her an allowance or a wage being specific what the money is for. She should be happy to live in all the comforts you provide. If she can't understand prenuptial agreements... maybe it's time to say goodbye. Her best option is to consider her lifestyle and the babies and not let the money destroy what could be a good and happy life living in the U.S.A.

AlexterBalexter wrote:

There are "No" guarantees in life! You take a chance and both parties need to do their best...everyday. get a prenuptial agreement. You know all you've built so far belongs to You. Only if you co-mingle your past wealth will she be entitled to half...such as....you sell your existing home and purchase a new home putting her on title. Make a joint bank account and keep a small amount for her to buy what's needed in the home or give her an allowance or a wage being specific what the money is for. She should be happy to live in all the comforts you provide. If she can't understand prenuptial agreements... maybe it's time to say goodbye. Her best option is to consider her lifestyle and the babies and not let the money destroy what could be a good and happy life living in the U.S.A.

Perhaps she will reply:

"What part of who I am and what I have should I refuse to share with you and our child?"

wow. you have such a good grip on relationships. NOT.

I wrote more, but I was getting quite vitriolic about patronising (at best) American men use and take advantage of unempowered vulnerable women.

Without replying to a specific person here, the talk about getting a prenuptial agreement is offensive to me, and likely will be to "The Child" when 'it' reads this thread, years from now.

Again, I say to picture the woman as a pregnant,  caucasian U.S. citizen resident of the OP's state (Washington).

Do you seriously think she would want to be married to a guy who FIRST impregnated her and THEN demanded a prenup agreement in return for the "security and honor" of having him as a legal mate?

Guy sees girl for 3 weeks. Leaves. Girl says she is pregnant.

Every man here is a liar who says they wouldn't also wonder
(1) Is she really pregnant?
(2) Am I really the dad?
(3) Do we know each other well enough to marry already?
(4) Can this be a scam? How do I protect myself?

The difference is that @Braymor asked the questions in public.  Oh no, out come the moralizing white knights on high horses calling him a troll, idiot, deadbeat, dickhead. Wtf?

Not the first time pregnancy happened when you don't expect it. It takes two. Why is it only the man's responsibility? Guess girl wasn't on birth control either. Guy lives in the US where the courts always rule in the woman's favor in divorce and custody settlements now. A prenup is very common for people of means. A poor woman will understand and not have her feelings hurt.

My overall impression is that @Braymor is sincere, likes the girl a lot, is moving forward in the relationship, and supporting the baby. I wish them the best.

Well, please consider her situation. With you not stepping up, how much face she would lose...
Please be kind, she has given you all[i]

Get a [i]prenup, but stand by her in society.

@Braymor:

You've heard plenty from the men, all of them expats.  Here's the voice of a woman who is also an expat but was born in this country, raised and educated within strict moral standards, deep culture, and every imaginable social expectation.  My view is not unique; I can say with certainty that most Vietnamese women do share my sentiment re: this matter.

braymor wrote:

For the purposes of this, I am going to assume the child is mine.  I will be getting a DNA test.

Excellent idea.

braymor wrote:

I am actually great with the notion of the child.  At 39, I didn't know if I'd have kids, and this is a happy surprise for me.

Good reaction.
 

braymor wrote:

I have a lot to consider and I want to do the right thing, but also protect everything that I have built.

Yes, you must.  It doesn't matter the ethnicity of the parties involved, prenup is a good idea when there's a big discrepancy between the parties, as long as the agreement is favourable to both parties.

braymor wrote:

There has been a lot of talk about wide-eyed American's thinking that a petite submissive Asian woman will be their ticket to happiness, and finding out they were used for their money or a green card.  I am definitely wary of this situation.

There are many women all over the world who take great pleasure in cleaning out their partners' bank accounts, as well as there are men who have no problem putting themselves first and centre all the time.  Vietnam is a poor country; the existence of women who sleep with men for financial gain is unavoidable, but it's too bad that the men, most of them with children older than their Asian bedmates, have no shame seeking out the young and exotic favour.  Many of the young women do not have any option in their choice of partners, but almost all the men do, so shall we continue to play this blame game?

braymor wrote:

I do think that I would be satisfied bringing her to America and having her as a wife and doing the typical support role.  I have a business and things like paying for household items, clothes, cars, gas, food, etc. aren't a huge issue.   In other words, I'd be happy to take care of those things in exchange for the love and companionship a marriage can bring.    In time, if she decides to work, that would be up to her.

You sound very detached and business like, but as you didn't tell us your relationship is a love match, your wording is understandable.  Marriage of convenience happens all the time, many of them last much longer than a union of love and romance. 

Personal experience:  Out of my parents' 7 children, only two were married for love.  One was my eldest brother; I'm the other one.

One day many years ago, my brother's wife drove him from AZ to CA, dropped him at one of his siblings' houses with this greeting:  "Here's your brother.  You love him, you take him."  He just turned 60 then and she was 23 years younger -- they're both Vietnamese, BTW.  She took the two houses, the business (a very successful Asian market in AZ), the stocks, and the spousal benefits; he had $40K check with her signature in his pocket.  That's how much love was worth to some people.

The rest of my family has arranged marriages; all have lasted many decades and still counting.  It's the same with my relatives.  They happened to be a large bunch of people who didn't fall head over heel in love with their spouses before tying the knot.

braymor wrote:

For the record I am not RICH, but worth a little over $1.2M

Not trying to belittle your achievement, but as an answer to the comments about your wealth, $1.2M is not an impressive number if a large part of it is tied in home equity.  The percentage of Southern Californians who have their net worth in the million dollars is pretty high, and I wouldn't call them rich.  Comfortable or very comfortable, yes -- rich, no.

braymor wrote:

What are the chances that this will lead to a benign quiet home life with her taking care of the house, doing what she likes (gym, walks, TV, whatever...) and me working 50+ hours a week but knowing I have somebody to come home to and is doing a good job of raising the child?

Without a crystal ball, I would say the chance is higher with a Vietnamese spouse than with an American one.  However, a continuous 50 hour workweek may be detrimental to your health and happiness, so staying late at the office a couple times a month is better than making a habit out of it.  (What am I saying?  My daughter has been doing 50 - 55 hour workweek for 10 years now.  Young people have such warp sense of priority, I'm tellin' you.)

braymor wrote:

What are the chances that I am a meal ticket and once she gets here she dumps me and takes me to court for half of my stuff and involves me in an emotional custody battle?  (I am meeting with a lawyer on Monday to discuss pre-nups).

The chance is lower than most people think.  Of course you're a meal ticket (such a degrading term), but isn't that the man's traditional role?  As you're about to marry a woman from an old country (more than 5,000 years old, if you must know), naturally, you'll assume the role of your family's sole provider and your wife will be the glue that holds the household together. 

braymor wrote:

legions of people earn 6 figures.  But it also costs a tremendous amount to live here.

My daughter's earning income is in the low 6 figures, but her student loan is in the mid 6 figures.  High salary is not what it cracks up to be.

braymor wrote:

There is a fair point to be made about me being an idiot for getting into this situation, but please allow me to defend myself against that claim. ...
Well, it happened.  And it was only 2 times that we were intimate, but it happened to be while she was most fertile.  It takes two to tango, but if I'm being honest, I would say she initiated the first encounter.

Low sperm count, wrong days, who seduced whom, none of them is a good excuse.  In fact, no excuse is a good excuse when accidental pregnancy occurs.  It's the responsibility of both parties to protect themselves, so even double protection is not excess protection.

braymor wrote:

Am I an idiot? Maybe.  But I am in a particular situation as a result and trying to do the best thing.  Do I think my needs outweigh hers? Absolutely not.

Good.  Hold on to that sentiment, but add the 3rd person to the picture.  It's no longer your needs or her needs, it's the needs of an innocent human being who absolutely did not, does not, and will not have any choice in this matter.  You both are in this together, so whether you don't loved her or she trapped you, it doesn't matter a whit anymore.  Neither of you is more important than the child you've created together.

If you were my son (my oldest child was born in 1976, older than you are, I'm sure), this is what I would say to you:

"Of course, get the DNA test.  Of course, have the prenup.  You've worked very hard to get where you are today, don't throw it away on someone else's life principles.  There's nothing immoral or selfish about a prenup, but it's truly wrong when you don't prepare for all possible outcome.  Giving your spouse whom you only know for a short few weeks the rights to half of your financial assets is irresponsible and foolish.  Having your wife sign a prenup doesn't mean you don't care about your child.  Those two acts are not inclusive.  Having your spouse signing a prenup also doesn't mean you don't accept her as she is.  You accept her by taking responsibility for what you have done to her, by giving her a wedding that her parents can be proud of, by providing her with everything that may bring her contentment, by easing her way into a new life in a strange land (if you both decide to live in the US), and by not trying to change her to suit your image.  That's enough to build a good marriage.  Love may come later or it may not, but as long as there are mutual respect, fidelity, and kindness, you will not go wrong."

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    Once more, Wonder Woman wields her wise wand -

    - calming the mere males who are wandering & wondering...

                                         
.

Bazza139 wrote:

.
    Once more, Wonder Woman wields her wise wand -

    - calming the mere males who are wandering & wondering...

                                         
.

Oh contraire mon ami.  This is one male that cannot be calmed, not wife, not mother, nada.  Sometimes you have to look through, not at, the looking glass. 

.

      ...(sigh..!)   ..always a naysayer...

   ..Ok, I should have mentioned Alice...     

   Still, down the rabbit hole or thru the looking glass..?

     It is choice, not chance that decides your destiny     
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Hello everyone,

Please note that i am closing this thread, upon request of the OP. It will be removed from the forum in a couple of hours.

All the best,
Bhavna

[Topic Closed]

Re open at the request of the OP

I just wanted to say thank you to everybody who responded to my post.  It occurred to me that this was a private situation so I asked that the post be deleted and not remain in cyber space forever, but then I realized I would like to be able to refer to it for information in the future. 
I sincerely appreciate everybody taking time out to give me their thoughts.
I will be returning to VN in March, June, and then ultimately in August for the birth of my child.  Then, we will be returning the USA as quickly as we can to start our life. 
Although this was not something I had planned, I am extremely excited about the future and all the things to come.  My family is excited to welcome her and we will be very happy in the years to come I'm sure.   We plan to return to Vietnam at least once a year going forward to be sure that we are connected to her family and culture as well.  Thank you all again.
Cheers,
Brian

You do realize that returning to the US "as quickly as you can" with her will entail one of two visas which will take  either 9 months or 14 months to obtain, right?  If you plan to marry in the US it's K1 visa and that takes about 9 months.  If you marry in Vietnam it will take a CR1 visa and that will take 14-16 months to obtain after the marriage.

braymor wrote:

I just wanted to say thank you to everybody who responded to my post.  It occurred to me that this was a private situation so I asked that the post be deleted and not remain in cyber space forever, but then I realized I would like to be able to refer to it for information in the future. 
I sincerely appreciate everybody taking time out to give me their thoughts.
I will be returning to VN in March, June, and then ultimately in August for the birth of my child.  Then, we will be returning the USA as quickly as we can to start our life. 
Although this was not something I had planned, I am extremely excited about the future and all the things to come.  My family is excited to welcome her and we will be very happy in the years to come I'm sure.   We plan to return to Vietnam at least once a year going forward to be sure that we are connected to her family and culture as well.  Thank you all again.
Cheers,
Brian

Love is a verb, and it sounds as if you are acting appropriately.

Do your best to emulate the love she is giving you, and your child will be the beneficiary of the assurance your mutual commitment provides.

🎶"God Grant You Many, MANY Years!"🎶

SteinNebraska wrote:

You do realize that returning to the US "as quickly as you can" with her will entail one of two visas which will take  either 9 months or 14 months to obtain, right?  If you plan to marry in the US it's K1 visa and that takes about 9 months.  If you marry in Vietnam it will take a CR1 visa and that will take 14-16 months to obtain after the marriage.

Yes, I am working with an attorney on the K1 now.

Roy888 wrote:

Hi Braymore,
Good story, i understand your concern, but let me tell you my version.
I live in Saigon, have a wonderful girlfriend, with whom i have an even more wonderful son (about 5 months old now).
I met my gf online, which was for my part just a way to pass time, but she was serious, so i went to see her in Nam, and man, i got smitten big time.... these women here are so wonderful and loyal, sure there were misunderstandings in the beginning, but mostly due to lost in translation, so be patient.
An age difference of 10 years is nothing to these girls.... I am 63 and my gf is 28, but they genuinely love us and cherish us foreigners very much, and if you know the  general thinking of the VN men, that it is ok not to marry for love, and having one or two girlfriends on the side is considered "manly", then you know what to do and not to do to keep her.
I met my gf in Oct 2018, and in Dec she got pregnant, i was of course ecstatic since i didn't think that i could get anybody pregnant at my age, we did get a DNA test, only because the VN government requires that for the birth certificate, i did not have a seconds doubt that the little boy was mine, especially after he was born.... he looks a lot like me . Please be careful suggesting a prenuptial agreement, since that can be a sign  of mistrust, and that you dont want to go into this relationship wholeheartedly, i mean how would you feel if you got pregnant with a guy and he dropped this on you?....
I have been married with a tyrant woman for 17 years, so i know how to spot a bad and good woman, and trust me my gf is the best and most wonderful that ever happened to me..... by the way we are moving to Europe in April, to have a better life, especially for our son, and we will get married in Denmark, since a lot  easier for mixed couples... and i am Danish
So my advice is put your heart and soul into this and you will have a wonderful life.

This is the best advice I've read that has been given to you on this blog!!

War stories and the wounded share stories that can make us gun shy, negative and un-trusting. I was at an airport between flights in line with 3 other men, who shared love stories. One had married and divorced Philippine women 2 times, burned and going back for another, another said he had married, brought his Philippine wife and after 1 year she had returned to the Philippines to see her family. He said his credit card had been maxed, they began to have problems and divorced, another man was going to Asia for the first time...I think he was writing to a girl.

We all share doom and gloom but there is another side. Know many Vietnamese couple that live like most families. I believe a Vietnamese wife that comes from a good family will make you a good wife. You need to respect her family and be family to them and they will make sure she is good to you. Marrying a Vietnamese or any nationality expect disagreements and work them out. Learn to compromise since this is normal in a marriage. If you have good principles and/or believe in God, take her to church with you.

Some here talk about child support... if it doesn't work...if the child is yours pay some support like, $500-$700 month. This is a good amount. Someone speaks about your income base as an amount for child support...Ya Da Da... it costs money to pay lawyers and time lost...she hasn't the resources to seek support.

It's your decision...would a wife and family make you happy?

Even meeting a wife from a good family is no guarantee... Marriage is really a crapshoot, particularly in this very mixed economy where opportunities come in a flash. The most important thing is that the woman has a heart of gold, and not eyes of gold. ^^

You sound like your have your head screwed on straight. Having the little one on the way makes for a different situation, to be sure. But I would suggest you evaluate the the merits of marriage independent of the child. Better to support a child then marry into a bad situation. That said I think Vietnamese women make great moms. But you must understand that also brings a lot of cultural differences on what makes a good parent. For example they do not teach the children much independence thus even many adults have low self-esteem. It is not uncommon for a child to be beat in school if they give they wrong answer. Which sure does not instill self-esteem. A lot depends on her grasp of English also. It will be tough for her in many ways in America. The process of getting her there is not a breeze either. It can take about two years. And from jump street USCIS assume you are lying. So start keeping records of everything now e.g. visa here, airline travel tickets here, hotel stays, Skype conversation, babies sonograms etc. If you get a great on they are great. If you get an ATM lover it can be a nightmare. There is a poster on here right now that is going through a situation where his wife absconded with the baby. And one must  not forget the covet having a mixed American child. I have ladies offer to pay me to give them one. I have seen some who will marry just to get one. But much of this is relationships 101. Many things not much different hen marrying in your country. I have never been fond of prenups. But I now think differently. At the very least have a long discussion about what you both expect financially out of the marriage. And from there it is a crap shoot. But a good one is very devoted to the long haul and family life. Working 50 hours a week will seem like a cake walk to her. Good luck, I think it will work out great from hearing your side of life.

AlexterBalexter wrote:

Some here talk about child support... if it doesn't work...if the child is yours pay some support like, $500-$700 month. This is a good amount. Someone speaks about your income base as an amount for child support...Ya Da Da... it costs money to pay lawyers and time lost...she hasn't the resources to seek support.

In my opinion, child support for a baby living in VN and you are not married to the mother, $100 a month is more than enough for the child.  The average family income is around $300 a month, you are supporting 1 child, not a family.  However, it all is going to depend on the facts surrounding the situation.

One thing I noticed in the OP’s original post that would give be pause and might be a red flag . And that is that his fairly young suitor was willing to travel with him and sleep with him. This goes against the more common norms of VN. But does fit in well with some of the ladies that seek someone for what many may seem nefarious reasons. Does not mean the OP has a discard hand. But if it were me I would at least ask her some very loaded questions and see if she was still interested. I have known more than one than one that went the pregnancy route, got married, moved to American and the plot became clear. Many of tgese gals like this know American inmigration law better then we do. Have a friend and his gal got settled in, applied for her green card and called the police claiming abuse. With that claim she can automatically qualify to persue her green card without him and live in America. Meanwhile they are divorcing and she is asking for the moon of course. As with  all others I knew she thought she  could get his real estate that he owned before marriage. She learned otherwise.
Perhaps the OP should just think of the child now and go slow into the nuptials. Few night of pillow talk does not allow you to get to know anyone to well.