Irritating dating scenario

It's quite common, just pay the bill as you did and leave.

The lady asking beforehand if a friend could join you is acceptable as you mentioned.

That would tick me off also. If it happened too often I would be inclined to ask one of the "friends" for her phone number at the table. It doesn't sound like the type of relationship I'd want to cultivate and I doubt you'd be losing too much in the process.
If the girl "got" the idea, she would be interested in cleaning up her act and behaving like a real date. If she did ask beforehand I'd be inclined to cut her some slack, occasionally.
I read a story about an English teacher in Korea whose GF would ask to go to a bar and then call her friends and have a party at his expense. That got very expensive. I never saw a follow-up on that situation.
I had a somewhat similar thing like that happen to me. A friend of mine and his wife invited my wife and me and another couple out to dinner. He ordered expensive wines and expensive items off the menu and when the bill came he insisted we split the bill in thirds. The next stop was a bar that was frequented by Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. It started getting expensive in a big hurry. I called our waitress over and asked her to keep our tab separately. When the time got to drunk-thirty I paid my tab and went back to the table and sat down. He got the bill and came to us for "our" part of his tab. I told him I had already paid my tab and was ready to go. That went over like a turd on a wedding cake. That was the last time we were invited out and I was really hurt - not.

It seems obvious that they were trying to set up an intimate three-on-one group encounter.
Looks like you missed a golden opportunity.   

Jim-Minh wrote:

I had a somewhat similar thing like that happen to me. A friend of mine and his wife invited my wife and me and another couple out to dinner. He ordered expensive wines and expensive items off the menu and when the bill came he insisted we split the bill in thirds. The next stop was a bar that was frequented by Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. It started getting expensive in a big hurry. I called our waitress over and asked her to keep our tab separately. When the time got to drunk-thirty I paid my tab and went back to the table and sat down. He got the bill and came to us for "our" part of his tab. I told him I had already paid my tab and was ready to go. That went over like a turd on a wedding cake. That was the last time we were invited out and I was really hurt - not.

The key point is how did they invite you? Because usually when we invite, we pay. If they simply said "let's go out together" then it's something else. Asking for splitting the bill when you invite someone would be weird...

Last week I was in Saigon and had a date with a Taiwanese woman. She's actually amazing and I kind of have a little crush on her. She even lied about her age, profile 30 but real age 38... which was fine because I lied on mine, said 40 but I'm 44. What's this with fake ages? Anyway, she told me if we meet she'd come with her friends. I don't have any issue with this as I know Asian women don't handle dating the same way Western women do. So we were a group and at the end I offered to buy my date's drink. I tried to ask the waitress to split the bill but she was totally loss. It's as if the concept of splitting a bill was very foreign to her. Thank Goodness I had money and simply put the cash for our two drinks on the table.

Crazy expensive coffee shop called L'Usine, around 120K per drink in D2??

WillyBaldy wrote:

She even lied about her age, profile 30 but real age 38... which was fine because I lied on mine, said 40 but I'm 44. What's this with fake ages?

Doesn't sound like a real date? I guess if its a first meeting and she wants her friends to keep her safe just in case it's okay and I would just eat the bill. Being single has its plusses and minuses, situations like this are one of the minuses.

Sounds like she is taking you for a mug, sorry to say, gave her an inch, she took a mile.

Canman63 wrote:

Sounds like she is taking you for a mug, sorry to say, gave her an inch, she took a mile.

As an OP "Mrs. Ciambella said it "Được đằng chân lân đằng đầu" ha ha ha...

WillyBaldy wrote:

She even lied about her age, profile 30 but real age 38... which was fine because I lied on mine, said 40 but I'm 44. What's this with fake ages?

It may be a little emotionally tough for women to pull off, but men should really lie in the other direction.  If you are 40, tell them 50 and see if the reaction isn't "Wow!  You really look young."

Of course when you get to be my age, if I added 10 years they might say "Wow!  You're not dead yet?"

NYSTEACHER wrote:

Doesn't sound like a real date? I guess if its a first meeting and she wants her friends to keep her safe just in case it's okay and I would just eat the bill. Being single has its plusses and minuses, situations like this are one of the minuses.

You'd be right if she *started* the date with her friends... but calling them only *after* we ate, your logic doesn't make much sense... 

I've never been out with someone in Vietnam and had their friends rock up without it being known first...

panda7 wrote:

I've never been out with someone in Vietnam and had their friends rock up without it being known first...

She showed me a few photos of her friends and then made a phone call, but it could be language thing since she speaks only Vietnamese, but she definitely never clearly asked me.

If she was a super hottie, I'd simply tell her clearly in Vietnamese that when we go out and she invites her friends, I will not pay for them, I will pay for you, but not for them. But I won't bother with that one    It sucks because I had this idea that we'd all go out have fun, then I realised me being a walking ATM adds some barrier to that concept.

PS: WIth the help of Google translate, I'd tell her something like "Khi chúng ta đi chơi với bạn của em, anh sẽ trả tiền cho em nhưng  sẽ không trả tiền cho họ."

WillyBaldy wrote:

PS: WIth the help of Google translate, I'd tell her something like "Khi chúng ta đi chơi với bạn của em, anh sẽ trả tiền cho em nhưng  sẽ không trả tiền cho họ."

May I suggest this instead?

"Anh sẽ trả tiền cho bạn của em nếu anh mời họ đi cùng với chúng ta; nếu anh không mời thì họ phải tự trả tiền lấy."  (I'll pay for your friends if I invite them to come with us; if I don't invite them, then they'll have to pay their own way."

With this sentence, you won't sound like a cheapskate while still helping her and her friends to learn some basic etiquette.

Yeah, definitely a nicer way to say it! Thank you 

whats cùng mean ?

panda7 wrote:

whats cùng mean ?

I think its "di cung" go with/ come with.

Im sure Ciambella will correct me if that is wrong.

Yes, "cùng" means "with".

A shorter word for "trả tiền cho" is "bao" (cover).  "Anh sẽ trả tiền cho bạn của em" can be shortened to "Anh sẽ bao bạn của em"

A simple way to say "it's my treat" is "tôi bao" (anh bao), but it's too casual to use with your boss or older/higher rank people. 

If you want to tell your gf it's her turn to pay, just smile and say "Em bao anh nhé?"  (You'll treat me then?)

Thank you. That's a new one for me. Is that common to all dialects?

Jim-Minh wrote:

Thank you. That's a new one for me. Is that common to all dialects?

Yes, it is.

There was a case with me too.

Once I open my Zalo app, and I noticed there was a lady who I do not know clearly. Then I started to text and asked if she knew me, but she also same as me even share the pictures, but we don't know each other, but starting curious how I have her contact.
At the same day I was around downtown, and she told me that she also in there, and we can have coffee, I say yes, and she asked me to come to the coffee shop at Caravel hotel. When I reached there, she was sitting with another girl and drinks together. I did not order anything for the first time, but the waiter comes to me every 5 minutes and pushes me to order, so I ordered a Beer.

Finally, the girl recognised where we met, it was two years ago we met at the airplane, and we were both sites next to each in the Business class. She's much older than me. Once bill coming, I see my parts are 70K, and I have 30% off. So I put 100K and say this is ok with me. Then the woman got so angry with me and asked to pay, and I say why I have to do it? She told me no one does like this with me before. And I said to her that's why you are so precious now. LOL. So she throws 100K to me and she paid 600K bill and walked away.

When I meet a Vietnamese girl, and I often asked the question are you a traditional girl or modem girl.  99% answer is 50/50

Now I realise what is 50%  traditional for the bill when the bill came, and most of the girls are busy with the phone or something else
And I am still trying to figure out what is that 50% modem parts.

Contem talk wrote:

There was a case with me too.

Once I open my Zalo app, and I noticed there was a lady who I do not know clearly. Then I started to text and asked if she knew me, but she also same as me even share the pictures, but we don't know each other, but starting curious how I have her contact.
At the same day I was around downtown, and she told me that she also in there, and we can have coffee, I say yes, and she asked me to come to the coffee shop at Caravel hotel. When I reached there, she was sitting with another girl and drinks together. I did not order anything for the first time, but the waiter comes to me every 5 minutes and pushes me to order, so I ordered a Beer.

Finally, the girl recognised where we met, it was two years ago we met at the airplane, and we were both sites next to each in the Business class. She's much older than me. Once bill coming, I see my parts are 70K, and I have 30% off. So I put 100K and say this is ok with me. Then the woman got so angry with me and asked to pay, and I say why I have to do it? She told me no one does like this with me before. And I said to her that's why you are so precious now. LOL. So she throws 100K to me and she paid 600K bill and walked away.

When I meet a Vietnamese girl, and I often asked the question are you a traditional girl or modem girl.  99% answer is 50/50

Now I realise what is 50%  traditional for the bill when the bill came, and most of the girls are busy with the phone or something else
And I am still trying to figure out what is that 50% modem parts.

So, she travels business class but cant be arsed to pay for her own drinks, even after inviting you.

Wait a second, she was expecting you to pay a 600K bill when you only had a beer? Am I getting this right?

Since this thread seems to be entertaining, here's a follow up with my same date. She keeps on Zaloing me (a new verb in Merriam -Webster) and decided she wanted to see my apartment and cook on Saturday. So, there's a woman who wants to come *alone* at my apartment (which is in a complex from a known landlord around town) so my brain is all fuzzy and I'm like "this could be interesting" but my brain is telling me "dude I smell trouble". Anyway, she asked me about what drinks I had, I showed her a photo of a sparkling wine bottle I bought at Mega Market. She spent 5 minutes asking me where it was from and *how much* I paid for it. Then asked me how much I paid for my apartment.

So, as Han Solo once said, "I got a bad feeling about this", but logic never prevails with me.

WillyBaldy wrote:

Wait for a second, she was expecting you to pay a 600K bill when you only had a beer? Am I getting this right?

Yes, its was 600k + something, and with our conversation. She mentioned her own business and getting a higher income, and even I saw her valet take out a bunch of five hundred notes. Anyway My feeling with Vietnamese, not bad, there were several cases like this, but I still lucky to meet some goods people around Saigon.

Asked and answered, "... but I find it frustrating and I feel a very good woman would not do such a thing,..."

So since you know no "good" woman would, maybe  your question? should be:
"Why am I meeting such women?"

Wxx3 wrote:

Asked and answered, "... but I find it frustrating and I feel a very good woman would not do such a thing,..."

So since you know no "good" woman would, maybe  your question? should be:
"Why am I meeting such women?"

Can't know such women are such women before meeting them, no? She was on Vietnam Cupid, divorced and looked totally 'normal' to me, but I ain't got a crystal ball.

No, but then you take your chances.
I'm really not understanding your complaint.
I've had plenty dates all around the world, in which I ended up paying for a one time dinner because it was obvious there was no road forward for whatever reason.

Your whatever reason is this freeloading. OK that tell s you about that person and it only cost you a few bucks.

What you seem to be wanting is for us to tell you how to change this person's behavior because you evidently like her __?.

But there is no changing her behavior. She simply isn't the woman for you.
Move on.

I found my gf on Vietnam Cupid.
When I came to HCMC to visit, it took me a couple of times going to expensive (for HCMC) restaurants that she would not eat anything because it was too expensive.

I changed MY behavior and had her pick restaurants or not as the case may be.

When we did go out with her friends, she asked me ahead of time, it I wanted to do so.

So, as I said, you know the answer.  Nothing will change your freeloading friend no matter how hot she is!

Wxx3 wrote:

What you seem to be wanting is for us to tell you how to change this person's behavior because you evidently like her __?.

Oh yes based on what I wrote this is *exactly* what I expect from you folks. Please, tell me how to change this person's behaviour, I've been begging people to tell me since the  beginning of this thread! Also, even though I wrote she was not a hottie, I evidently like her. I mean, reading through my posts, I see that I just can't breath without her around 

EDIT: Irony aside, it's been a weird week for a few posts. I feel I'm being very clear in my initial post, that I simply wanted to know how some of you are dealing with this whenever it happens. I've repeated the question three times in my initial post. Is my writing so bad? I can't see anywhere where I'm asking to change this person's behaviour? It's a simple question about how you guys handle this situation when it happens, I'm being more curious (and lightly irritated) than anything else. Are people reading in diagonals and making up their own mind about posts? It's almost as bad as a bad date 

WillyBaldy wrote:

Wxx3 wrote:

What you seem to be wanting is for us to tell you how to change this person's behavior because you evidently like her __?.

Oh yes based on what I wrote this is *exactly* what I expect from you folks. Please, tell me how to change this person's behaviour, I've been begging people to tell me since the  beginning of this thread! Also, even though I wrote she was not a hottie, I evidently like her. I mean, reading through my posts, I see that I just can't breath without her around 

EDIT: Irony aside, it's been a weird week for a few posts. I feel I'm being very clear in my initial post, that I simply wanted to know how some of you are dealing with this whenever it happens. I've repeated the question three times in my initial post. Is my writing so bad? I can't see anywhere where I'm asking to change this person's behaviour? It's a simple question about how you guys handle this situation when it happens, I'm being more curious (and lightly irritated) than anything else. Are people reading in diagonals and making up their own mind about posts? It's almost as bad as a bad date 

I guess you are only now discovering that when a poster in the forum asks "What do you think?", the answer will too often be, "Here's what I think about you!"

OceanBeach92107 wrote:

I guess you are only now discovering that when a poster in the forum asks "What do you think?", the answer will too often be, "Here's what I think about you!"

You're definitely right, thanks for making me see the light! 

my new girl is great, she has a full time normal job, and is always the first person to offer to pay for things. she’s never invited any friends out with us and hasn’t complained about anything yet.

Iin my experience ... it all depends on your manner before you meet.

If you communicate "I have money, you ought to have sex/relations with me" along will come the friends and tickets to Ba Na Hill.

But if you are cool and long term. She will arrive alone.

SongwriterUK wrote:

Iin my experience ... it all depends on your manner before you meet.

If you communicate "I have money, you ought to have sex/relations with me" along will come the friends and tickets to Ba Na Hill.

But if you are cool and long term. She will arrive alone.

She *did* arrive alone. She called the friends later on.

Seems like u opened a can of worms on this one Willy, perhaps she got on the blower to tell her friends to come and see the western movie star she had met? And then the crowd formed.

Canman63 wrote:

Seems like u opened a can of worms on this one Willy, perhaps she got on the blower to tell her friends to come and see the western movie star she had met? And then the crowd formed.

I know you're joking but it's always been a little bit like this in most non touristy areas of Vietnam I've visited. It happened with guys too. They want to show off a bit, so they call their friends to show them they do know a Westerner. The bonus is, that ATM with legs will pay, come on friends the more the merrier!

I once thought I had a friend here in Rach Gia, she was a hotel employee. I went to her house once, her family welcomed me and we had food and it was fun. The day after, I invited my friend for dinner to thank her, but an hour before she asked if he sister could come, I said yes, but a few minutes before she asked if 6-7 family members could come. I said no. She got angry and that was it. She told me "but I have no choice!". It kind of became a running joke between my ex Vietnamese wife and I.

I've had much better luck with this in Saigon a few weeks back, met a few decent women who'd never have done this.

WillyBaldy wrote:

Canman63 wrote:

Seems like u opened a can of worms on this one Willy, perhaps she got on the blower to tell her friends to come and see the western movie star she had met? And then the crowd formed.

I know you're joking but it's always been a little bit like this in most non touristy areas of Vietnam I've visited. It happened with guys too. They want to show off a bit, so they call their friends to show them they do know a Westerner. The bonus is, that ATM with legs will pay, come on friends the more the merrier!

I once thought I had a friend here in Rach Gia, she was a hotel employee. I went to her house once, her family welcomed me and we had food and it was fun. The day after, I invited my friend for dinner to thank her, but an hour before she asked if he sister could come, I said yes, but a few minutes before she asked if 6-7 family members could come. I said no. She got angry and that was it. She told me "but I have no choice!". It kind of became a running joke between my ex Vietnamese wife and I.

I've had much better luck with this in Saigon a few weeks back, met a few decent women who'd never have done this.

Probably you should change the way you meet new peoples.

Contem talk wrote:

WillyBaldy wrote:

Canman63 wrote:

Seems like u opened a can of worms on this one Willy, perhaps she got on the blower to tell her friends to come and see the western movie star she had met? And then the crowd formed.

I know you're joking but it's always been a little bit like this in most non touristy areas of Vietnam I've visited. It happened with guys too. They want to show off a bit, so they call their friends to show them they do know a Westerner. The bonus is, that ATM with legs will pay, come on friends the more the merrier!

I once thought I had a friend here in Rach Gia, she was a hotel employee. I went to her house once, her family welcomed me and we had food and it was fun. The day after, I invited my friend for dinner to thank her, but an hour before she asked if he sister could come, I said yes, but a few minutes before she asked if 6-7 family members could come. I said no. She got angry and that was it. She told me "but I have no choice!". It kind of became a running joke between my ex Vietnamese wife and I.

I've had much better luck with this in Saigon a few weeks back, met a few decent women who'd never have done this.

Probably you should change the way you meet new peoples.

No way, It's still a lot of fun, just love venting once in a while

I met a nice young lady in danang, she insisted we meet at skybar, lucky for me I googled the place, drinks were the price of a mortgage, I changed locations to highlands coffee.

Canman63 wrote:

I met a nice young lady in danang, she insisted we meet at skybar, lucky for me I googled the place, drinks were the price of a mortgage, I changed locations to highlands coffee.

There's a bar in Saigon with the same name, as far as I remember, and drinks are around 300K!