Family court

Dear Nicole,

While understanding your request, for my part, I will not provide any information.  Because a divorce is a private matter and even more so when there are children.  I am a man who lived through this situation and who was almost crushed by the system which automatically gives priority to the mother.  And besides, we only know one side of the story ...

Regards,

You haven't mentioned it but I assume that your partner is French?

Yes, as you and phipiemar have said, the courts are usually stacked in favour of the mother. In my own divorce in France, the evidence was overwhelmingly in my favour as the father of the kids, but the court still awarded our four children to my wife. Possibly the fact that I am British and she is french may have played a part in that decision and that her family was well known in the region, who can tell for sure.

Make sure to get lots of letters of support from as many people as you can and give these to your solicitor as all attestations will be filed with the court and also copies will be given to your partners lawyer and to him. Do not ask the kids to write anything as they cannot give evidence against either parent. Proof of income will help, not sure if you are working or not.

Whoever gets the children will probably be awarded maintenance from the other party. If the other party cannot pay then their solicitor can appeal the decision and after providing proof of income or lack of, the judge will make another decision on who pays maintenance to who.

It's much better if you can use one solicitor and divorce amicably, but if not, then use your own solicitor and of course that means it is no longer amicable.

In France, and many other places, due to the situation where the mother of the children usually get custody of the children (and the house), some men end up living a very tough life so it may be a good idea to come to some agreement with him beforehand. That is something the solicitors should work on together.

In my experience, the father is allowed to visit the children every other weekend and for either alternate holidays or splitting the holidays in two. This doesn't always work but then it also depends on the ages of the children.

We do not know the full details of your divorce, but in the situation that your partner is French, owns a house and has a job, and if you plan to leave France, do not have a job or proof of income and do not own a home in the UK, then I think he also would have a fairly strong case.

As for not being able to get hold of your solicitor, what has her office said about when she will return? I switch solicitors for exactly the same reason and regretted it. What is important is that you choose one that has a formidable reputation. I also had a separate solicitor for the business side since we had a business together.

Hi there,
Thanks for your replies. You are absolutely right, I have not provided enough information for you to understand the circumstances.

My partner is not french, he is African and has a carte de séjour. We were not married nor PACS, just living together with our children.
I have a very good job and income and the truth is that I have always been the main breadwinner for the family . He worked the first year or so that we were together but then lost his job and has since flitted between beating unemployed, starting his own business (which failed) and a little bit of ´interim’ in recent months. We are in the process of selling our house . I have moved out to a rented house in our town and he hadn’t said where he is living but I know he is staying with somewhere.

If my plan was to stay in France I would not be concerned right now it’s the fact that I want to move to UK. I’m not so much looking for you advice as to whether or not you think a court may or may not award me custody of our kids (As you tightly say it’s a complicated process and lots of factors to consider) I really just want know have you ever heard of a case where custody had been awarded to the parent who wishes to leave France.

By the way thanks for the suggestion of letters of support. I hadn’t thought of that and it could be extremely useful!

Regards,
Nicole

Yes the attestation letters are very important. Normally each side gets as many as they can and if you can get them from people of good standing in the community then all the better. And, those letters not only need to say good things about you, they unfortunately need to say not so good things about your partner so the judge will have no doubt that the children should be with you. In my own divorce my wife asked her friends from her schooldays to write fake ones which some of them did, and for those who knew me well they either refused or took my side and wrote letters for me. So those letters are important to show how wonderful a mother you are. If he doesn't know about these attestation letters then poor him.

Actually anything you can think of that can help you will be useful. That means if he has ever been in trouble with the police then get proof. If his business failed then it's good if you can get proof of that to show that he is unable to care for the kids due to lack of earnings. But also be careful because if he is jobless or earning very little and you get custody of the kids then you might also be ordered to pay maintenance to him.

Hopefully some others can give their advice especially for those who got custody and left France.

Thankyou Shill88 😊

Nicole, one final thing, the letters of attestation that I have used myself and that my ex- introduced are usually between 2 and four pages long and sometimes even longer.

Good luck.

Thanks Shill88, I really appreciate you taking the time to share your experiences with me 😊

Hi Nicole. I have no experience concerning your case of divorce with children and plan to move back to your home country, but I agree that preference is often given to mothers, which is not necessarily a good thing, depending on the situation. In any case, attestations are extremely important, indeed. I know a lawyer specialised in family law (I was her trainee a long time ago) if you need. I don't know if she is available right now but I could ask. "Luckily" you are the main bread winner and the father of your children is not French, so it will definitely help. You may have also to insist heavily on the family support you would get in your home country and at the same ol n the arrangements you can make to ease the right of your partner to visit and host your children.

From what I see, as usual everyone is up for the mother.  Without asking the question of who is responsible and what would be best for the children ... We only know half of the story ... I think this discussion should be closed because getting involved in the  privacy in this way is unacceptable.

Not everyone is on the side of the mother. I lost virtually everything including my business, home and four children in my own divorce and I naturally support father's who have been in a similar position because in most situations they are the ones who are treated so badly. But I am just giving advice because it is being asked here in the forum. Should the OP's partner post a query then I would give as much advice as I could to him.

I just replied to a question, I provided information, I am on nobody's side ! As I wrote above, to take the mother's side is not necessarily good. It depends on the situation. I am more interested in the child's best interest and maintaining ties with both parents is usually in the child's best interest. But it doesn't mean people should be forbidden to change country. Anyway the judge will settle the case, not us! Have a nice day !

I agree with you Sandrine.

Anyway, both sides should get advice from their own solicitors and both should provide the best possible reasons why they are the better parent to have main custody of the children. If either side ends up with an unsatisfactory decision then their solicitor can appeal. This could be related to financial support payments or fairness in seeing the children.

From my own experience, when parents are living in different countries it is not always easy to see the children. During my difficult couple of years I depended on my unemployment benefit in the UK which had to finance my travel to Paris and to pay for a hotel for a couple of nights every fortnight as well as to buy meals and visit places with my children. Actually, when she placed three of my children in children's homes (two in Paris and one in the Alps), it was actually easier to visit them as I was always in contact with the french social services.