Does your Vietnamese wife do this?

gobot · 2022-06-09T11:21:27+02:00

Since I have only had one Vietnamese wife, I often attribute her unusual behavior to ALL Vietnamese. Help me out guys, and Vietnamese who are lurking here too. Is this normal? Is it just her? Got other examples? 1. "The man enters first". Culture shock when I first met her. In America, the man holds the door for any woman, and follows her. As if Her Ladyship is being "presented" to the guests beyond. My wife's rule is the strong man goes first, to clear a path through the jungle, slay the tigers, for her safety. I quickly retrained her for taxis, where it is a struggle for me being tall and bigger. However barging through doors and crowds allowing her to trail in my wake - I don't mind. 2. "Family first" We live with some of her family members. Whenever I am having a conversation with my wife, I am invisible to everyone else. They think nothing of interrupting, telling stories, yelling questions from upstairs, and the moment they start speaking, I become instantly invisible to her. Our discussion vaporizes mid-sentence. Eventually when there is lull, sometimes she remembers I am there, sometimes she remembers what we were discussing. [Workaround: I take the iPad to the dinner table.]

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RTLisSB Contributor

Member since 23 April 2022

RTLisSBContributor07 July 2022 01:28:37

#81

177

@RTLisSB

Greetings,

I am using "Language Hut" for the internet side, comments about local dialect are most interesting, must take into account as already experienced same discrepancies'. Also using 2 (books) Beginning Ting Viet, language learning program from Victoria University of Technology, my students are my tutors. They decipher along with my tutelage, the English instructions contained. Fun, respectful and humbling again.
We challenge each other, most pleasing for both parties to do, lot of laughter and fun learning, informal atmosphere, we are all peers here.
Maybe this type of exchange would be helpful for you also.
How long have I been at it? We moved back to VN in May, I previously taught and learned with Spanish speaking population in America. Courses 7- 8, 9-12. Same work really, different levels of previous leaning with pretty much all students.
My experience has taught me, takes 3-4 years to become a novice in a new language where consistent effort is applied.

My Best to You in your Quests,
Mac
- @Mac68

Thanks, Mac.

I started at the beginning of June so I will have been at it for 5 months by the time I get to HCMC in Nov.

Yes, I think persistence is the only way!

Cheers,

Roger

cabraman Contributor

Member since 08 October 2014

cabramanContributor10 July 2022 00:12:34

#82

199

@Mac68 True. I learned the hard way over time, after being critical of a lot of aspects of the Vietnamese culture, that it was never going to change and that I needed to go with the flow.

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

Member since 23 December 2017

Aidan in HCMCVietnam Expert10 July 2022 21:09:13

#83

3552

One thing mine doesn't do very well, is sarcasm. In fact, she has at times become (ahem) perturbed, to put it mildly.

In fact, I've noticed many VN friends have difficulty with sarcasm.

...and yes, I'm aware that allegedly "sarcasm is the lowest form of wit"

Mac68 Serial expat

Member since 29 August 2015

Mac68Serial expat12 July 2022 00:02:49

#84

355

@Mac68 True. I learned the hard way over time, after being critical of a lot of aspects of the Vietnamese culture, that it was never going to change and that I needed to go with the flow.
- @cabraman

Wonderful, "grow" with the flow.

Mac

Lennerd Contributor

Member since 15 August 2015

LennerdContributor12 July 2022 00:16:01

#85

169

@Aidan in HCMC

It's safe to say that sarcasm, like some forms of irony, consists of saying the opposite of what the literal meaning of the words conveys. And TONE is the give-away that sarcasm is being used.

Example: "You have GOT to be the best in the WORLD at eating without getting any food on your face." [said to say, a toddler NOT RECOMMENDED!!!!]

But it's also safe to say that this kind of talk, even when accompanied by the "correct," sneering tone, will not a) cross the language translation barrier unscathed and b) be appreciated for the skill level of the mind that created it.

Au contraire!

Words will be dished, and dished again and again.

Friday with Mateo Contributor

Member since 04 August 2022

Friday with MateoContributor04 August 2022 13:18:18

#86

141

At the risk of ridicule, here is what I am thinking/planning for my impending marriage to a divorced woman and single mother of a 15 year-old son who I have been dating for a few years ... odd and outlandish as it may sound, here it is ...

Terms

We agree to get re-married every year ... meaning if for any reason it is not working for either her nor I or both ... we just agree not to re-marry on our anniversary and call it a day

We agree to not change our lives in any significant ways ... we are both independent mature busy adults on second marriages and set in our ways ... she is 33 ... I am 55

We agree there will be no significant changes in our financial obligations to each other or to the marriage with the exceptions of special occasions such as family (our family) outings

We agree to an open-style marriage to eliminate the "jealousy" factor

Have no idea if she will agree ...

Might seem crazy, but I think it just might work

OceanBeach92107 VIP Member

Member since 31 January 2018

OceanBeach92107VIP Member04 August 2022 13:40:18

#87

7000

At the risk of ridicule, here is what I am thinking/planning for my impending marriage to a divorced woman and single mother of a 15 year-old son who I have been dating for a few years ... odd and outlandish as it may sound, here it is ...

Terms

We agree to get re-married every year ... meaning if for any reason it is not working for either her nor I or both ... we just agree not to re-marry on our anniversary and call it a day

We agree to not change our lives in any significant ways ... we are both independent mature busy adults on second marriages and set in our ways ... she is 33 ... I am 55

We agree there will be no significant changes in our financial obligations to each other or to the marriage with the exceptions of special occasions such as family (our family) outings

We agree to an open-style marriage to eliminate the "jealousy" factor

Have no idea if she will agree ...

Might seem crazy, but I think it just might work
- @Friday with Mateo

I doubt it will work, unless you stop dating her son...

Friday with Mateo Contributor

Member since 04 August 2022

Friday with MateoContributor04 August 2022 13:50:24

#88

141

@OceanBeach92107 got me good on that one sir

AndyHCMC Vietnam Expert

Member since 29 February 2020

AndyHCMCVietnam Expert04 August 2022 13:57:20

#89

1855

At the risk of ridicule, here is what I am thinking/planning for my impending marriage to a divorced woman and single mother of a 15 year-old son who I have been dating for a few years ... odd and outlandish as it may sound, here it is ...

Terms

We agree to get re-married every year ... meaning if for any reason it is not working for either her nor I or both ... we just agree not to re-marry on our anniversary and call it a day

We agree to not change our lives in any significant ways ... we are both independent mature busy adults on second marriages and set in our ways ... she is 33 ... I am 55

We agree there will be no significant changes in our financial obligations to each other or to the marriage with the exceptions of special occasions such as family (our family) outings

We agree to an open-style marriage to eliminate the "jealousy" factor

Have no idea if she will agree ...

Might seem crazy, but I think it just might work
- @Friday with Mateo

Maybe an message to Will & Jada may give you some insight?

OceanBeach92107 VIP Member

Member since 31 January 2018

OceanBeach92107VIP Member04 August 2022 14:10:19

#90

7000

@OceanBeach92107 got me good on that one sir
- @Friday with Mateo

Welcome to the Vietnam forum Friday 😉

Friday with Mateo Contributor

Member since 04 August 2022

Friday with MateoContributor04 August 2022 14:27:59

#91

141

@OceanBeach92107 gracias ... BTW ... Popotla and OB ... old stomping grounds back in the day

Mac68 Serial expat

Member since 29 August 2015

Mac68Serial expat05 August 2022 00:44:54

#92

355

At the risk of ridicule, here is what I am thinking/planning for my impending marriage to a divorced woman and single mother of a 15 year-old son who I have been dating for a few years ... odd and outlandish as it may sound, here it is ...

Terms

We agree to get re-married every year ... meaning if for any reason it is not working for either her nor I or both ... we just agree not to re-marry on our anniversary and call it a day

We agree to not change our lives in any significant ways ... we are both independent mature busy adults on second marriages and set in our ways ... she is 33 ... I am 55

We agree there will be no significant changes in our financial obligations to each other or to the marriage with the exceptions of special occasions such as family (our family) outings

We agree to an open-style marriage to eliminate the "jealousy" factor

Have no idea if she will agree ...

Might seem crazy, but I think it just might work
- @Friday with Mateo

Maybe an message to Will & Jada may give you some insight?
- @Andybris2020

I pray the 15 year old boy has good guidance.

MAc

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

Member since 23 December 2017

Aidan in HCMCVietnam Expert05 August 2022 01:38:16

#93

3552

At the risk of ridicule, here is what I am thinking/planning for my impending marriage to a divorced woman and single mother of a 15 year-old son who I have been dating for a few years ... odd and outlandish as it may sound, here it is ...

Terms

We agree to get re-married every year ... meaning if for any reason it is not working for either her nor I or both ... we just agree not to re-marry on our anniversary and call it a day

You'd still be married. If indeed you or she decided to "call it a day" after a year, you'd still have to go through with the divorce proceedings. Not difficult, nor expensive, if it is with mutual consent.

We agree to not change our lives in any significant ways ... we are both independent mature busy adults on second marriages and set in our ways ... she is 33 ... I am 55

IMHO getting married is, ipso facto, a significant change to ones life.

We agree there will be no significant changes in our financial obligations to each other or to the marriage with the exceptions of special occasions such as family (our family) outings

I think you may find that "our family" now includes your in-laws.

We agree to an open-style marriage to eliminate the "jealousy" factor

Good luck with that!

Have no idea if she will agree ...

She might, pre-marriage. Post-marriage you might find that the terms have changed, significantly.

Might seem crazy, but I think it just might work
- @Friday with Mateo

You didn't mention, and so I am obliged to ask, whether or not you love her, or whether this is a marriage of convenience (symbiotic).

I've never heard of prenuptial agreements/contracts in VN, and would be curious (only as an onlooker) as to how that might play out.

And what of the young boy? Have you considered the effect that a dissolution of his mother's marriage might have on him?

My advise to you, Mateo, is to think long and hard about this before tying the knot (or the noose, as the case might be).

Prior to the "impending" (itself a rather negative term, better had you said "forthcoming") marriage, I strongly suggest you bone-up on the

VIETNAMESE FAMILY LAW ACT, especially CHAPTER VIII - MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONS INVOLVING FOREIGN ELEMENTS

Good luck, sir

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

Member since 23 December 2017

Aidan in HCMCVietnam Expert05 August 2022 02:50:22

#94

3552

Article 19. Husband and wife attachment
1. Husband and wife have the obligations to love, be faithful to, respect, attend to, care for, and help each other and share family work.

The legislation appears to be all encompassing. Should a foreigner find themselves at the "dirty end of the stick", they will soon discover the extent of the impartiality of the court.

AndyHCMC Vietnam Expert

Member since 29 February 2020

AndyHCMCVietnam Expert05 August 2022 03:41:03

#95

1855

@Friday

You may want to know that there are regular news stories posted on FB (and other social media) about girls that have been in altercations with jealous wives over their husbands in very public places, with live footage of the spat including hundreds/thousands of comments from woman about the cheating husband and mistress.

Aidan & the above comments are well worth thinking about as he said.

Please report back how the "impending" conversation goes with her - I believe they let you use phone's from your bed in VN hospital's.

Brick23 Contributor

Member since 25 February 2019

Brick23Contributor05 August 2022 22:17:14

#96

180

At the risk of ridicule, here is what I am thinking/planning for my impending marriage to a divorced woman and single mother of a 15 year-old son who I have been dating for a few years ... odd and outlandish as it may sound, here it is ...

Terms

We agree to get re-married every year ... meaning if for any reason it is not working for either her nor I or both ... we just agree not to re-marry on our anniversary and call it a day

We agree to not change our lives in any significant ways ... we are both independent mature busy adults on second marriages and set in our ways ... she is 33 ... I am 55

We agree there will be no significant changes in our financial obligations to each other or to the marriage with the exceptions of special occasions such as family (our family) outings

We agree to an open-style marriage to eliminate the "jealousy" factor

Have no idea if she will agree ...

Might seem crazy, but I think it just might work
- @Friday with Mateo

I thought nothing in this topic could top OceanBeach's "No Decent woman would even consider nookie before marriage!" but this cunning plan of yours blows even OB out of the water. (Actually I suspect OB is a fine gentleman but he appears to be stuck in some long gone century. Perhaps he has never noticed the ubiquitous nhà nghỉs?)

Friday, mate, you are doomed. Whatever you are trying to achieve with this "marriage" you could surely achieve in other ways without incurring what will absolutely be a nightmare of pain and suffering unto yourself

Brick23 Contributor

Member since 25 February 2019

Brick23Contributor05 August 2022 22:33:57

#97

180

Tell me about it & you forgot to mention.......out having a quiet meal with the wife or GF & some drunken twat comes to your table & demands you down a beer with him & wont take f**k off for an answer
- @goodolboy

Luckily I only ever had this happen to me by foreigners, never a Vietnamese. Generally I avoid where possible any establishment containing foreigners but sometimes I get ambushed by one of the bastards. Locals don't give a hoot if I "educate" another foreigner but not sure how I'd deal with a Vietnamese, probably just leave if I had to. Scrapping with the locals aint wise. Although mostly I think I'd be busy trying to stop my VN girlfiend from brutalising him too badly.

Guest2023 Guest

Guest2023Guest05 August 2022 23:17:03

#98

214245

Tell me about it & you forgot to mention.......out having a quiet meal with the wife or GF & some drunken twat comes to your table & demands you down a beer with him & wont take f**k off for an answer
- @goodolboy

Luckily I only ever had this happen to me by foreigners, never a Vietnamese. Generally I avoid where possible any establishment containing foreigners but sometimes I get ambushed by one of the bastards. Locals don't give a hoot if I "educate" another foreigner but not sure how I'd deal with a Vietnamese, probably just leave if I had to. Scrapping with the locals aint wise. Although mostly I think I'd be busy trying to stop my VN girlfiend from brutalising him too badly.
- @Brick23

What about at VN weddings, it seems to be the norm getting anh tay to skull a glass.

OceanBeach92107 VIP Member

Member since 31 January 2018

OceanBeach92107VIP Member06 August 2022 00:50:19

#99

7000

I thought nothing in this topic could top OceanBeach's "No Decent woman would even consider nookie before marriage!" but this cunning plan of yours blows even OB out of the water. (Actually I suspect OB is a fine gentleman but he appears to be stuck in some long gone century. Perhaps he has never noticed the ubiquitous nhà nghỉs?)

- @Brick23

You've "quoted" mẹ (not) in-accurately, so here is what I wrote, in full context:

Regarding foreigner with Vietnamese girl ....How soon after becoming intimate would the topic of marriage be expected to raise its head?
- @Bill2014

This question seems to imply that decent Vietnamese women will want to be intimate with you before discussing marriage.

Sure, you can find what seems to be a lot of Vietnamese women who will do that.

But old-fashioned girls aren't like that (and not necessarily attracted to foreigners either).

To answer your question it would be important to know what type of woman you've chosen.

- @OceanBeach92107

Mac68 Serial expat

Member since 29 August 2015

Mac68Serial expat06 August 2022 03:13:57

#100

355

Time for more conversations of intelligence, wit, imagination, culture, thought, not this depraved sick nonsense.

MAc

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

Member since 23 December 2017

Aidan in HCMCVietnam Expert06 August 2022 03:42:31

#101

3552

Friday, mate, you are doomed. Whatever you are trying to achieve with this "marriage" you could surely achieve in other ways without incurring what will absolutely be a nightmare of pain and suffering unto yourself

- @Brick23

Standing by for updates (hopefully). The poster you quoted (Friday with Mateo) has indicated he is going to print and study the VN Family Law Act.

Reading it just might be an eye-opener

OceanBeach92107 VIP Member

Member since 31 January 2018

OceanBeach92107VIP Member21 August 2022 02:30:39

#102

7000

Friday, mate, you are doomed. Whatever you are trying to achieve with this "marriage" you could surely achieve in other ways without incurring what will absolutely be a nightmare of pain and suffering unto yourself

- @Brick23

Standing by for updates (hopefully). The poster you quoted (Friday with Mateo) has indicated he is going to print and study the VN Family Law Act.
Reading it just might be an eye-opener
- @Aidan in HCMC

Alas, he posted in a different thread:

... she didn't go for it ... back to the single life ... sighhhhh ~ @Friday with Mateo

Friday with Mateo Contributor

Member since 04 August 2022

Friday with MateoContributor21 August 2022 04:27:11

#103

141

@OceanBeach92107 Yeah ... sorry for mixing u the threads ... well, TBH ...I knew up front is was gonna be a long shot ... no harm, no foul ... I think she just does not want to drag here 15-year-old son away from Vietnam and drop him into a new culture and away from his buddies and life here ... back to the drawing board

OceanBeach92107 VIP Member

Member since 31 January 2018

OceanBeach92107VIP Member21 August 2022 04:40:23

#104

7000

@OceanBeach92107 Yeah ... sorry for mixing u the threads ... well, TBH ...I knew up front is was gonna be a long shot ... no harm, no foul ... I think she just does not want to drag here 15-year-old son away from Vietnam and drop him into a new culture and away from his buddies and life here ... back to the drawing board
- @Friday with Mateo

Probably not IF you are not totally committed and you insist on having the option to bail on them after 1 year.

Friday with Mateo Contributor

Member since 04 August 2022

Friday with MateoContributor21 August 2022 05:14:49

#105

141

@OceanBeach92107 Well, it would work both ways ... she could easily bail too ... but I thought it was more akin to being a romantic at heart ... getting remarried every year. Never claimed to be lucky in love ... and anyhow, I am pretty set in my weird ways and not unhappy being single.

Friday with Mateo Contributor

Member since 04 August 2022

Friday with MateoContributor22 August 2022 13:36:45

#106

141

@Aidan in HCMC All great points and I am glad you are generous enough to share such wise words ... idk sometimes ... inside the mind of a VN woman is pretty damn hard place to get to know ... in a way I am glad it did not happen ... mostly for the kid ... at 15 to get pulled away from friends and a culture and placed into new ones ... that's a rough assignment. Water under the bridge now ... and as far as I can tell ... no hard feelings over it on either team. But thanks Aidan.

SteinNebraska ViP

Member since 30 April 2018

SteinNebraskaViP22 August 2022 13:42:09

#107

1277

@Aidan in HCMC . in a way I am glad it did not happen ... mostly for the kid ... at 15 to get pulled away from friends and a culture and placed into new ones ... that's a rough assignment.
- @Friday with Mateo

Spin it however you want. [Moderated] I moved my wife and her 15 year old to the US last year and both have adjusted very well.

Moderated by Bhavna 2 years ago
Reason : Assumptions
We invite you to read the forum code of conduct

OceanBeach92107 VIP Member

Member since 31 January 2018

OceanBeach92107VIP Member22 August 2022 13:42:53

#108

7000

@Aidan in HCMC All great points and I am glad you are generous enough to share such wise words ... idk sometimes ... inside the mind of a VN woman is pretty damn hard place to get to know ... in a way I am glad it did not happen ... mostly for the kid ... at 15 to get pulled away from friends and a culture and placed into new ones ... that's a rough assignment. Water under the bridge now ... and as far as I can tell ... no hard feelings over it on either team. But thanks Aidan.
- @Friday with Mateo

I don't think that would be the worst part for a 15-year-old.

Friday with Mateo Contributor

Member since 04 August 2022

Friday with MateoContributor22 August 2022 16:21:54

#109

141

@SteinNebraska No spin ... actually I have no clue the reason ... VN women are not the greatest communicators in my view ... but everything happens for a reason ... happy for you it worked out.

Friday with Mateo Contributor

Member since 04 August 2022

Friday with MateoContributor22 August 2022 16:24:24

#110

141

@OceanBeach92107 I suppose that is one way to see it

Mac68 Serial expat

Member since 29 August 2015

Mac68Serial expat25 August 2022 00:10:31

#111

355

@SteinNebraska No spin ... actually I have no clue the reason ... VN women are not the greatest communicators in my view ... but everything happens for a reason ... happy for you it worked out.
- @Friday with Mateo

Does that make you clueless?

MAc

Friday with Mateo Contributor

Member since 04 August 2022

Friday with MateoContributor25 August 2022 03:20:11

#112

141

Thanks for your kind reply ... I've been tryin' to get a clue my whole life!

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

Member since 23 December 2017

Aidan in HCMCVietnam Expert25 August 2022 06:35:32

#113

3552

Thanks for your kind reply ... I've been tryin' to get a clue my whole life!
- @Friday with Mateo

Piece of advice, Mateo.

Don't trust the butler, in the study, with the candlestick.

Got me more than once

Mac68 Serial expat

Member since 29 August 2015

Mac68Serial expat25 August 2022 09:19:23

#114

355

Thanks for your kind reply ... I've been tryin' to get a clue my whole life!
- @Friday with Mateo

Piece of advice, Mateo.
Don't trust the butler, in the study, with the candlestick.

Got me more than once
- @Aidan in HCMC

Maybe a damaged heart with self inflicted wounds, or maybe not. or maybe a damaged soul awaiting healing. or maybe not, maybe a wandering spirt looking for a safe home, while healing wounds.

MAc

Friday with Mateo Contributor

Member since 04 August 2022

Friday with MateoContributor25 August 2022 11:46:50

#115

141

@Mac68 Perhaps a bit of all that ... or maybe not ... I have no clue

Mac68 Serial expat

Member since 29 August 2015

Mac68Serial expat26 August 2022 11:34:57

#116

355

So, then clueless stands upon its own merits

MAc

Friday with Mateo Contributor

Member since 04 August 2022

Friday with MateoContributor26 August 2022 15:14:13

#117

141

@Mac68 Perhaps

lord enki Active member

Member since 17 December 2018

lord enkiActive member15 October 2022 00:59:14

#118

after reading these posts, it appears to me that your marriages are similar to driving in VN....any which way you can

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

Member since 23 December 2017

Aidan in HCMCVietnam Expert15 October 2022 02:19:10

#119

3552

after reading these posts, it appears to me that your marriages are similar to driving in VN....any which way you can
-@lord enki

Here, it's any which way she says!

Say hello to Enlil for me.

Mac68 Serial expat

Member since 29 August 2015

Mac68Serial expat16 October 2022 02:45:28

#120

355

after reading these posts, it appears to me that your marriages are similar to driving in VN....any which way you can
-@lord enki
Here, it's any which way she says!

Say hello to Enlil for me.
-@Aidan in HCMC

For us it is very well balanced: all things considered, of course she has her foot on the scale.

MAc

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