Relationships with Filipinas - Looking for opinions from other expats

Perhaps the lesson you learned was not to trust bar girls of any nationality.  Perhaps you are looking for love in all the wrong places.  If you are Catholic then there are many churches to meet women and their families.   There are other Christian churches available in many areas.  Which part of the Philippines are you looking to live?  Seeking women 30 years your junior has a lot of additional inherent problems.   Meeting other expats in your local area could be helpful in getting the lay of the land.

Ahh, I left out the ages.  They were both in their early 40s.  I appreciate your advice and it will give me something to think about.  I do agree I was looking for love in the wrong places and it won't be the bars where I go to meet women going forward.

As far as where I want to live, I don't know yet. I plan to travel a bit in the first year and perhaps I'll fall in love with a particular area. I am inclined to stay in Luzon or around Cebu, but I don't want the headaches of Cebu or Manila traffic.

Many of the people on this forum are married successfully to Filipinas. I would say at your age you should absolutely secure your financial assets and have a backup plan in case things go poorly.

Most relationships with Filipinas require some extended family support. It's cultural.

If you want a nice girl, go to church. And take your time.

20 years is still a substantial difference in age, unless you are looking to father children.  Guessing you are not looking to start a family, best way to avoid that is to date women 46 and above, avoids any mistakes or misunderstandings.

There are plenty  of nice places on Luzon far from Manila.  Our house is far north of Manila in Ilocos Sur, we can visit great spots in nearby provinces without traffic problems.  About once a month we meet with 7 or 8 other expats and their girlfriends.  Local girls the guys are  from the USA, UK, Australia and Canada.

It's not a matter of trusting Filipinas it's a matter of not trusting bargirls. You seem pretty level headed but maybe a bit naive, bargirls are not the kind to put roots down with - that's the big red flag right there. Good luck!

I would just say, stick with your original plan, travel around a bit, enjoy yourself and see what happens and keep away from the bar girls. When you find your ideal place to settle down, just take your time and see what happens. Maybe you will have more than one relationship before you find the right woman for you but so what, just take your time, enjoy and use common sense.

Awesome suggestions, I really appreciate the feedback. I've not been north of Tarlac City yet, but I've heard there are some great places to live in the north. I definitely intend to check out La Union and surrounding areas. In the other direction, I've also heard that Iloilo is very nice.

Looks like you have done all the right things, except the bargirl thing. Fully agree to keep age gap to minimum or reasonable ie 40+. Many foreigners come over to Philippines and get young ladies, since there is a power imbalance and exploitation can happen on both sides. You would be marrying into and supporting extended family as well, and they will want private medical care too. My experience has been with Luzon, lots of expats in the nicer places, meet and greet and their Filipino network will surely have suitable and excellent recommendations for a partner. The best choice would be someone who works or has a profession, other than farming.

Oh jeez. Here we go again. Plus ca change. Fortnerbrian you’ve been coming to the Philippines for 15 years and you still haven’t figured out the game plan. Filipinos can spot a mark a mile away and you are the perfect target.

’Awesome naivety’’

Yes Lotus, I guess I'm a lost cause. Don't waste your time explaining this "game plan" that I should have learned in 15 years as a vacationer. However, thank you, I do appreciate and welcome all criticism, good or bad, constructive or not. And maybe... just maybe... someone else will benefit from hearing about my experience, with my "Awesome naivety".

CPA's tend to be very straightforward, honest and trusting.  CPA's also learn from experience, don't make the same mistake twice.  Hopefully your experience plus help from others will give you a better shot at an enjoyable retirement.  The only stupid questions are the ones you don't ask.  Spending time as a resident is quite different than a few weeks vacation every year.  Good luck!!!

Lotus Eater said . . . . Oh jeez. Here we go again. Plus ca change. Fortnerbrian you’ve been coming to the Philippines for 15 years and you still haven’t figured out the game plan. Filipinos can spot a mark a mile away and you are the perfect target.
’Awesome naivety’’

*****************************************************************

I have to give Lotus Eater response to this more than a simple like.

How about a double like.

fortnerbrian said . . . . Yes Lotus, I guess I'm a lost cause. Don't waste your time explaining this "game plan" that I should have learned in 15 years as a vacationer. However, thank you, I do appreciate and welcome all criticism, good or bad, constructive or not.

And maybe... just maybe... someone else will benefit from hearing about my experience, with my "Awesome naivety". *

**************************************************

fortnerbrian . . . I don't think you appreciate the advice. Good luck, learn your lesson.

You haven't benefited from the past advice of others, so why would you think your future advice would be any different?

@fortnerbrian  Hey Brian... Sorry some of the expats on here are kinda grumpy old timers...

So.... Bar Girls Huh? 

Well... I guess with 2 or 3 week vacatuons I get it... So... Let's move forward now.  NO BAR GIRLS... LOL...  Go to church... or just visit the local Market or sari sari stores... It really also depends on where you are... If you are in Manila or Cebu, or like angels, you are automatically a mark... so YOU do the pursuing... if they pursue you .. thats a bad thing.  I started in the same way as you... I ended up in Dasmarinas with what I thought was a "good" girl... I visited 5 or 6 times, and ended up finding out she also had a pinoy on the side..Side... so... I started over, and carefully, and have now been with the most amazing filipina for 146 weeks... (We celebrate weekly)... as you said, filipinas(the right ones)  are amazing, living, caring,  thoughtful women in the world.  I can't even begin to tell you how much better it is than my ex wife of 28 years from the u.s.... anyways... be SMART... and don't fall for any cute little filipina  that walk up to you... The good ones don't... they are shy.

CA writes, "I would just say, stick with your original plan, travel around a bit, enjoy yourself and see what happens and keep away from the bar girls. When you find your ideal place to settle down, just take your time and see what happens. Take your time and use common sense. -@Cherryann01

`

Yes agreed .. and well done with your life, Brian.

By being smart you've got all your ducks in a row.

Now it's high-time to enjoy yourself .. so just cruise.

First Join https://www.filipinocupid.com

Then pick any province or city area, and search through

your choices with any of the website's sorting-filters you

like. Eg .. job? kids? education? town? .. whatever you like .

I chose to search for teachers and nurses outside of cities.

Finding some pure-hearts in the same areas, visit with them.

And I found my dream gal. Married her, blissful 12 years later.

Easy and fun. Do your dating-research, find your perfect-match.

`

While I would normally agree with Lotus Eater on this, I do not think fortnerbrian is naive. I think he is incredibly brave to admit to his past mistakes, to admit his past involvement with bar girls and getting scammed and I think he has learned his lesson there. He is obviously in love with the country after visiting for fifteen years, loves the people, the climate and the rest. His post is well written and he has obviously put a lot of thought into his decision.

I would say that he has covered most things and reached the decision to make a permanent move using logic. Like he said he will have a monthly income from his pension, he does have savings and I am sure he will have a back up plan if things go wrong. I would just advise him to get his will sorted out before he makes the move and make sure some of his hard earned savings is left to his two two adult children back home. I am sure once he gets settled they will probably want to come over and visit him.

There is good advice on here from others regarding where to meet a better class of lady, I see the church and the local market have been mentioned. Maybe try get involved in some community work of some kind or join some sort of sports club.

One thing you do not seem to have mentioned is the areas you did visit during your 15 years. You mention Cebu and Luzon but I imagine you have seen a lot more places than that.

I would also consider taking up some sort of sport or hobby, something to pass the time, maybe you like golf or tennis but wherever you choose I am sure there will be natural beauty spots, places to explore, to take a nice relaxing walk. I would also recommend that you read some of the other topics on this forum regarding safety and visas. Palawone wrote an interesting piece recently about Places  Expats might want to avoid. Wellsfry, who commented above seems to have found his perfect soul mate and a piece of heaven so his advise is always worth paying attention to.

I say good luck to you, I think your plan to travel around before settling down in one spot is a good one.

Thank you all for your comments, I truly appreciate each one. I learned a great deal this past summer when I was in the country for five months. I came out of it with a far different perspective than I had when I was vacationing for only 2 or 3 weeks at a time over the past years, which is the reason I put myself out there for criticism and advice now, whereas I never thought twice about it before. I think a few have forgotten how different those two types of experiences are.

I am new to this forum and I think it provides a great service. I don't know the members very well, but this topic has helped me to see which members are truly kind and helpful.

One thing you do not seem to have mentioned is the areas you did visit during your 15 years. You mention Cebu and Luzon but I imagine you have seen a lot more places than that. -@Cherryann01

I have been to Davao, Borocay, Manila, Angeles, Subic, and last summer spent a relaxing five months in the quiet town of Castillejos  (By the way, I didn't date any bar girls during this last trip).  I have not actually been to Cebu yet, but I consider that to be the southern-most area that I would consider living in.  Besides Cebu, some places I may want to visit are Iloilo, La Union, Samar, Leyte, and Palawan.  I'll add to that list as I learn more.

I would also consider taking up some sort of sport or hobby, something to pass the time, maybe you like golf or tennis but wherever you choose I am sure there will be natural beauty spots, places to explore, to take a nice relaxing walk. I would also recommend that you read some of the other topics on this forum regarding safety and visas. Palawone wrote an interesting piece recently about Places Expats might want to avoid. Wellsfry, who commented above seems to have found his perfect soul mate and a piece of heaven so his advise is always worth paying attention to.

I say good luck to you, I think your plan to travel around before settling down in one spot is a good one.
-@Cherryann01

Yes, tennis and golf are my sports of choice, though I am particularly bad at golf.

Thanks for the suggested topics.  I will look those up on the forums!

Italic Bold were by me but the text if from: fortnerbrian . . . . I have been to Davao, Borocay, Manila, Angeles, Subic, and last summer spent a relaxing five months in the quiet town of Castillejos (by the way,I didn't date any bar girls during the last trip). I have not actually been to Cebu yet, but I consider that to be the southern-most area that I would consider living in. Besides Cebu, some places I may want to visit are Iloilo, La Union, Samar, Leyte, and Palawan. I'll add to that list as I learn more.

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By the way, Karnak The Magnificent see's a trip to the cleaners for you.

@fortnerbrian

To your credit Fortnerbrian you have visited a number of towns and cities in the Philippine archipelago.

No doubt you have a fair collection of t-shirts to show your adventurous spirit.

Do you have the one that says ‘ I’m the new guy in town’ ?

Flame away brothers... I have thick skin... Your insulting and belittling comments only serve to discourage others from posting things that some of us would be interested to hear and maybe even help with.

Both of you guys are welcome to hit me with one (or multiple) last flame if getting in the last word is important to your ego. I won't reply. I'm done with your non-sense.

fortnerbrian, you seem like an honest straight forward guy. I would suggest getting to know an Expat group and having them help vet your dates. Maybe you need help spotting red flags etcetera. Don't let the haters get you down. At least your willing to get back on the horse after getting bucked off

Hello everyone

@Fortnerbian, should we close your thread ?

Members have shared their views with you and have been quite honest i must say.

Let us know if you want this thread closed.

Regards,

Bhavna

Hello @Bhavna,

I'm so sorry this thread turned into something negative.  I should have ignored things instead of reacting.  Perhaps it is best to close it now, as I have gotten good suggestions to think about, and it is getting toxic and unpleasant now.  I never wished for that.

Hope you stay with forum and let us know how things go. Wish you the best of luck fortnerbrian.

@fortnerbrian

this is usually par of the course with most threads of this nature. you have yet to be around long enough, but just you wait!  the best fun is bet to come.

Welcome to the forum, Brian. I'm sorry you had to experience some snarkiness from members who apparently got it right the first time or were never fooled because they got attached to the wrong person. I'm one who has had to go through extended pain at times, lol. That said, I think we can agree that bargirls probably won't work out, unless you catch them right at the beginning, before they get corrupted, or so I've heard.

The larger question you raise - of focusing on multiple shorter term relationships vs. trying to find the "right" one - is an interesting question. There are advantages to both of course but I think most of us want one trusted partner for the long term, especially as we get older. It should be much easier to do this when you are permanently in country and can spend extended time with those you find to be a good fit. I have found that it really does take a lot of time to get to know the other person - Filipinas especially are good at hiding their more volatile side (temper, tampo, jealousy, etc) when they are first trying to make a good impression.

Please excuse some generalizations in the following - just my experience, high-level for brevity, and based on my time in the Visayas region.. Cebu, Bohol/Panglao, Dumaguete - your mileage may vary. There are always exceptions to the rule.

Women from the province, over a certain age (say 40+) still tend to have the more traditional values that we appreciate (hard working, family oriented, loyal) because they were raised that way, whereas the younger women often want to strike it rich with a foreigner to get out of their situation, and may indeed have fewer scruples (and a guy on the side). In general, most of the province women I've met are also lacking higher education - any concept of geography, other cultures, world affairs, so it can be difficult to have any sort of intellectual conversation with them, if that is important to you.

On the other hand, women from the cities are much more educated, savvy, and computer-literate.. but are also driven by social media trends (as anywhere) and have their faces glued to their phones, which I personally find annoying. They will however be more aware of the world at large, other cultures, and able to have an intellectual conversation. The younger women from cities will not be interested in an older foreigner - if they are, be cautious. Many are freelancers and only interested in short term gain - trips, fine dining, goodies, etc. But I imagine some of this group might work out if they are older, have some life experience, and value your maturity and experience.

I kind of lucked out with a woman who was raised in the province, but moved to the city to work, has a college degree and loves travel, other cultures, etc. But she does have a bit of a temper at times, which I think she got from her mother. She is also the only Filipina I ever met who is always on time, lol. I also would not rule out women with one or two kids - they will be more mature and stable and less likely to be messing around on the side. My GF's son was 7 when I met her, and could not read - he is now a very smart, well rounded and likable teen. I was also stuck in the US for 2 years and when I got back this past summer the first thing we did together was build a new PC from scratch. He is a top student, too.

My last point concerns previously married women like my GF, who was married at a young age. Due to the divorce laws, there are many of them. If separated for many years, they often consider themselves single and present themselves accordingly, but legally they are not. At the time I was not fully aware of the implications of this, which has resulted in one foot in each country for me for many years - not insurmountable, but not an inexpensive proposition, and leading to a lot of time apart. This won't matter much to you since you are permanently moving, other than making sure there is no jealous partner around.

So yes, we all make mistakes and hopefully learn. I agree with the suggestions on where to meet women, also sports clubs. I am a cyclist, keep a bike in country and have met some people that way. Great way to keep healthy and get out and see the country, too. Last suggestion is don't rule out the Visayas region - all of the places I mentioned living there are really awesome in their own way. Tons of nature and adventure opportunities, gorgeous Cebuano women. Dumaguete especially is a really nice small sized city with many colleges and universities, restaurants, and nearby nature opportunities.

@pnwcyclist That's a very considered response, and I  also found it very helpful. To the original poster, ignore the naysayers - there really is some very good information contained in this thread and hope it remains open

@pnwcyclist That's a very considered response, and I also found it very helpful. To the original poster, ignore the naysayers - there really is some very good information contained in this thread and hope it remains open
-@Parvaze

Slightly off topic but since you said you hope this thread remains open - Do threads actually get shut down. I have seen some old topics come up with new comments after a long time with no activity, some over 12 months.

Our moderators can close threads/reopen them.

Bhavna was being polite and thoughtful to this new member and appears with good reason, I actually found all input both positive and negative interesting reads, after all we are all different, Brian said he has a thick skin which is a good thing on public forums.

BTW Brian, welcome to the forum.

Cheers, Steve.

Like other Newbie's the OP should have taken the time to look through the archives on this forum. The same questions has been asked many times and there has been hundreds of responses.

And how many of those responses have been heeded by the people that ask them?

Some excellent input from my fellow members and it seems that I have ruffled a few feathers. Ho hum.

Occasionally I am blunt sometimes in my responses. I don’t stand fools gladly - guilty as charged. I would make a terrible diplomat.

Lets just recap on an important fact as stated by the OP. He has been coming to the Philippines for 15 years. That’s FIFTEEN.

A case in point: about 8 years ago when I was travelling to the Philippines a guy came up to me on the layover in Abu Dhabi and asked if my destination was Manila. (No I wasn’t wearing the ‘I Love Manila t-shirt ‘ lol). He was a HGV driver from Reading, UK and wanted some advice. He’d (surprise surprise) met a Filipina online who was based in Pampanga and was coming down on the Victory Liner to meet him at Ninoy Aquino International.

This was his first (not fifteenth) visit to the Philippines. He stated that he had transferred about £150 ($200 then) to her for the trip. Alarm bells started ringing. I’ve done that Victory liner trip twice and that figure was way out. I won’t bore you with other details he told me but the whole thing stank. I told him as much. He did not like the response.

I said I would look out for him in the baggage hall and go through customs and assist him through the airport. We met up briefly on the conveyor belt but he was somewhat dismissive of my offer of assistance and we went our separate ways.

One week later, mid morning, I was in Burgos to visit my favourite coffee shop Café Cubana ( they serve Italian coffee with a little shortbread ). Its a change from the Mall coffee shops. You can watch the ahem ‘entertainment’ going on along the street from a European style establishment. Sorry I digress.

I was about 100 metres from Cubana when I saw the UK lorry driver sat down on the pavement (sidewalk to our American friends) with a bedraggled Filipina against the wall.

The guy had been ( to use Bob’s delicate phrase) ‘cleaned out’ by the girl from Pampanga. He had essentially bought cash with him. Credit card was maxed out. She stole his wallet and high tailed it back to Pampanga. He was literally living on the street before his return flight a few days later. He did report the theft to the Police who amazingly tracked the girl down but the cash was gone. They said they can prosecute the girl but she had a kid and would have done jail time. He did not (to his credit) press charges. I bought the guy and his waif (seemed a nice girl) lunch as much for her as him - she had 2 front teeth missing and raging toothache - funny the little things you remember.

Without labouring the point you go to a Doctor who advises you against a certain lifestyle (booze and lack of exercise) and you ignore that advice and end up in hospital.

To the OP. You are an Accountant & I suggest someone with a higher level of cerebral competence than the HGV driver. Some of the best ‘cons’ in the world are executed on highly educated professional people.

My take (and some readers may find what I am about to say uncomfortable) is that like many male visitors to the Philippines you are what we Brits refer to as an ‘Anorak’ My guess from your prose is that you are the classic ‘ insular, reserved, numbers guy’ who can relate to a spreadsheet better than a female. Women the world over pick up on this vibe immediately. Suddenly you find yourself in a country of beautiful, sensuous women who you can have (by your own admission) a one night stand with. If there is one thing men cannot do is keep their dick in their pants - its THE major flaw in men - Filipna’s will exploit this to the maximum potential.

My advice: stay away from the Philippines or your accounting skills will become redundant and there will be no assets left to count.

Thanks for sharing Lotus. You are exactly correct on many counts, firstly men think with their other head instead of a brain, sadly it's true while most women think very differently. I can't say Filipinas are opportunists, to me that's edging on racism putting them in a box. Women no matter country can easily be placed in the same box.

I also had my ups and downs here a few times but a nice guy now for 11 years and not looked back and very happy to live here in PH.

As for the OP staying away from PH? Brian obviously likes the country, people and culture or he wouldn't have been coming back here for 15 years and as an accountant (missed that one) he is not stupid and knows what he wants and where he eventually wants to be.

The women here? No different to any other country, pick your lady and pick them well, slow and steady wins the race.

I appreciate the OP's openness and honesty and hope he eventually settles here and finds his soul mate.

Cheers, Steve.

fortnerbrian said:

<Snip #1> In the US I was married and divorced twice as a young adult

<Snip #2> I've had/lived with a few girlfriends in the US,

<Snip #3> I've had very poor luck with filipinas

<Snip #4> I've had two filipina girlfriends in the past that I supported financially.

<Snip #5>Both were bargirls, and maybe that is part of the problem. Both betrayed me:

<Snip #6> The first I was with for over a year. She stole money from my bank account and tried to hide it from me.

<Snip #7>I learned from other filipinas that knew her, that she had a filipino boyfriend and was sharing the support I gave her with him.

<Snip #8> The second relationship with a filipina formed a few years prior to COVID.

I returned to the Philippines excited to be together with her again, and I was stunned to find her six months pregnant. I had supported her financially all this time and felt so betrayed.

<Snip #9>So what lesson should I learn from this?

Hey Fortnerbrian,

What state/ city are you from, just curious no answer no problem.

Here is a short checklist for you- agree or not up to you!

Rule#1 - Never ever EVER trust a hooker.Period.

         #2 - keep the age difference to less than 15

years ( 10 is better). Never been married is best, if she was married make sure - by that I mean do your homework and get proof of an annulment.

         #3 - She speaks good to very good English

         #4 - has a few interests similar to your own

          #5 - has a small immediate family, ( siblings, mom and dad) this one is tricky. They

better have jobs w/o a bunch of kids. Don't worry about the cousins etc.. too much.

Thats a start, be analytical, sound cold, impersonal? Could be but a better aproach than hitting the bar and thinking " this is the one" LOL

I don't know why so many reccomend church to meet women but then I am an atheist so the advise could be sound.

I would stick to cities around 50k to 150k, and avoid the major cities myself.

Good luck, and take your time, this is actually a very realxing stress free place to live. Don't make it complicated. Trust yourself, you'll know when you know. Hopefully!

Brian writes, "I'm so sorry this thread turned into something negative. I should have ignored things instead of reacting. Perhaps it is best to close it now, as I have gotten good suggestions to think about, and it is getting toxic and unpleasant now. I never wished for that." -@fortnerbrian

`

Brian you certainly sound like a decent chap, maybe honestly looking for advice.

However it's a world-forum, open to everyone. Folks WILL say what they think.

And, they have. After looking realistically at what you have said, they've told you,

man, think about your experience in the Philippines? Grow up, open your eyes.

We've said this not to insult you, it's based on lived experience and Phils reality.

In simple terms, you MUST actively RESEARCH and SELECT your women. Not

simply fall for any good-looker who smiles and talks to you. Where's that got you?

Again, I strongly recommend dating websites. https://www.filipinocupid.com

for eg. They've been going strong for well over twenty years now. They're good.

"FilipinoCupid.com Official Site #1 Filipino Dating Site (2022) "We help you meet

your perfect Filipino match. Stop searching and start chatting. Meet, chat to, and

date with lovely Filipino singles on the best Filipino dating app. Mobile Friendly.

Join in 30 Seconds. Over 3 Million Filipinas have joined."

They will give you a starting clue, or twenty, about all of their members. And, it will

help find you small groups of maybe half-way decent, local female future-partners.

So you've researched and chosen possible partners. Then all the rest is up to you.

Good luck Brian. You're obviously a nice chap but man to man, also a slow learner?

No offence meant matey. This is a world-forum, and we say things as we see them.