TET - Family Dinner

Being invited to dinner on the first day of Tet shows they consider you to be a friend of the family - not necessarily a potential in-law.

I have attended many and I never married any of the single females present.

Just remember gifts of fruit are appreciated - ask the bar lady what gifts you should bring - and remember to take your slippers with you and take your shoes off as you enter,

Paying attention to the eldest members of the family (grandparents) goes down well, as does giving the gift to the Mother of your friend.

Don't wear any WHITE clothing, NOTHING WHITE, take your shoes off before entering the building/house, like above said, fruits, fruits nad /or money. Take your own hotel room /accommodation. About what to speak or better not - your friend will tell you (or she will translate so, as it suits her).

A foreigner on the first day in house is like a prayer for good luck.
Have plenty of smaller donations handy - each kid is virtually "entitled" to a small luck bag, where some money is in. 10 000 vnd for a baby will do, a 16 year old so might expect 50 000 vnd (can also be a multiple oft that, but not less) - use new notes, not the smuddly one, change them at a bank before, Those bags you might get at the bank or at every street corner.

Man have higher rankings than woman - if the age is the same, otherwise - like above - AGE followed by Gender MALE with a few exceptions, as sometimes the oldest son replaces the function of the family father - if for some reason not exists/absent.
Your friend will let you know before.

well, I don't know.
I can only tell you what I would do.

I were invited on the first day of the Tet, I would politely decline. The first (or second) day is for family.
A friend invites on the third day, then I'll accept. A female one, probably not if she only invites me.
Just to let you know: there are business here renting presentable guys for the Tet new year (or any occasion) so single girls can take them to their hometown to show their parents as 'boyfriend' so that they either don't lose face or don't get hassled by their parents about not having a boyfriend.

You'll find similar business in Thailand.

But I am Vietnamese (a Viet Kieu to boot), so the rules are different. For a foreigner, people may be more lenient since they don't expect them to understand the social code.

Having said so, this is what I see:
she has told you she likes you. She works as a bar girl (whatever it implies). She invites you to attend her family's celebration all the way from Saigon to NhaTrang.
All of this and you expects her to see you just as friends ?

Anyway, not saying that you should not go, but this is not a free lunch with no string attached .

Anatta wrote:

well, I don't know.
I can only tell you what I would do.

I were invited on the first day of the Tet, I would politely decline. The first (or second) day is for family.
A friend invite on a third day, then I'll accept. A female one, probably not.
Just to let you know: there are business here renting presentable guys for the Tet new year (or any occasion) so single girls can take them to their hometown to show their parents as 'boyfriend' so that they either don't lose face or don't get hassled by their parents about not having a boyfriend.

You'll find similar business in Thailand.

But I am Vietnamese (a Viet Kieu to boot), so the rules are different. For a foreigner, people may be more lenient since they don't expect them to understand the social code.

Having said so, this is what I see:
she has told you she likes you. She works as a bar girl (whatever it implies). She invites you to attend her family's celebration all the way from Saigon to NhaTrang.
All of this and you expects her to see you just as friends ?

Anyway, not saying that you should not go, but this is not a free lunch with no string attached .

That might be a reason for the invitation. Could not agree more on that.

Thank you very much for the above, and this was exactly my concern. I think I'm going to politely decline. It all sounds a bit too much for my liking and I don't particularly want to put myself even in risk of that situation.

Really really appreciate the time you have all taken to reply, thank you so much.

Michael

Bonesy,

Wise choice! 

Most of these girls lie to their families about the lives that they lead in HCMC.  Heading to one of their homes is just like taking a part in that particular lie, regardless of the time of year.  Girls just don't bring guys home, to their parents, if they are just friends.

Anatta is absolutely right about the 1st day on the Lunar calendar.  It is the day for family and a few exclusive guesses, who usually present health and/or wealth.  According to a popular belief, even if you are the epitomy of such, visiting too many households will dissipate your good fortunes.  Thus, it is a very very special day, to be celebrated among very very special people.

Bonesy,

Beware!!! It's a trap. All the way to Nha Trang, you'll be at her mercy. People from the provinces are very conservative. If you are not prepared to have a serious relationship with the girl or any asian women never visit their family. It's ok for asian guys to bring girls home but not vice vesa. Don't put yourself in an unfavourable position. You are going to be far away from hcm better to be safe than sorry.

Although it doesn't make much difference to the above, just for the record I am going to be in Nha Trang anyway for TET. She didn't specifically ask me to travel from HCM to Nha Trang for the dinner.

Really pleased I came and posted on here! Thanks again for the help.

Hue1964 said wrote:

Bonesy,

Beware!!! It's a trap. All the way to Nha Trang, you'll be at her mercy. People from the provinces are very conservative. If you are not prepared to have a serious relationship with the girl or any asian women never visit their family....

What a suspicious bunch!

Nha Trang is hardly provincial, it's more like a mini-SaiGon with all the worst of it rolled up in a small town. The disproportionately high Foreigner body has long changed it's character.

The crooked casino deal didn't help much, either.

Even if the OP was being used as a "prop" for some tale, does it really matter? Yo can always discuss the matter with her and come to a clear understanding.

When I first came to SGN 20 years ago, I stayed in the Huong Sen Hotel, the city really closed down not even hot meals for a couple of days. I was invited to celebrate Tet days by two of the female staff, one married, and just as I appreciated the honour, they, too, gained something through knowing a Foreigner.

Even if you committed a faux pas it will not be held against you as you are a Foreigner.

You have nothing to lose but much to benefit from - a new experience in your life and maybe your friend will pour you bigger drinks with less water in them!

Hi,

As a Vietnamese, I totally agree with Jaitch, you should ask her to come clear understanding. For point of view, you may show how eager you are to get to know Tet's celebration and would love to see it in her family with no more expectations. If there is no misunderstanding, you can visit her famliy as a friend. Don't waste your chance to enrich your mind about the Vietnamese culture.

By the way, you should not be the first guest in the first day of New Year unless you're be chose because Vietnamese normally pick up one who has suitable age with their family to visit at the early moring as their prayer. Then, it is acceptable to visit them in the afternoon or later. This custom called: "xông nhà". To be alert, you would never visit any Vietnamese families if suppose you had funerals of your close relatives at the recent time. From my experience, in 2006, my grandmother died, so during the New Year of 2007, my family didn't go to any home, just went to visit only some siblings, then stayed at home and welcomed the guests. Vietnamese believe the visits of that peolpe may bring them unlucky things through the year.

I think we are talking past each others.
There are, at least, two different issues:

1. Should you say yes to someone, whose relationship to you is clear, to join Tet celebration?

The answer is no doubt yes. It is a great occasion to anyone, foreigners in particular. Just avoid the first day (or even the second day in my advice) of Tet because they are more for family and very close friends and because many Vietnamese like to have have lucky people visiting their homes in the New Year, so stay away just in case, so if you can be absolutely clear about any case of misunderstanding, so yes.

However, in your case, your question is, I quote :"I don't want to upset her or her family if she expects anything more than friendship." so the correct question is

2. Should you go if your relationship is not clear and there is a chance for misunderstanding and she/her family expecting sth else?

Based on what you told us, and what we have seen elsewhere, the odds are against you, so there you have it.
Make your judgment calls based on what we have told you and what you know about that person.

Enjoy your Tet, in any case.

Just as a reality check, I mentioned this case to my Vietnamese colleagues under lunch (without revealing the source). They are from both sexes.

Their uniform opinion is quite consistent with what I told you. I summarize it in the following:

- Under no circumstances should you go together with her to visit her family at any occasion let alone Tet. It is widely understood as an introduction of boyfriend.
- It is Ok that you travel to Nha Trang, staying in your hotel, then drop in to visit her one day while she is there with her family. They can then invite you to join in the party. After the party, you come back to your hotel. Outside the family home, you and the girl can travel, have fun time together in Nha Trang. It is up to you to agree.
- Concerning the day: They, however, say that it is ok to visit on the second day of Tet, definitely on the third. First is a no-no.

BTW, the above codes of conduct are for a foreigner. A Vietnamese follows stricter codes.

PS: Now that I told them about this, they all suspect that it is a thinly veiled attempt for me to ask them about what I should do with my 'girlfriend's invitation', i.e., this is about me, not some unknown foreign guy . See what happens when you help people .

Hi Anatta,

that's hilarious haha, I really appreciate you going out your way to help me out. I'll definitely take all of your advice!

Thanks again

Michael

It's so nice to see strangers giving advices to one another, I'm loving this site now, well, look,I'm trying to find time to get on here every nite now, it's like FB!
Wishing everyone a safe, properous year to come, the year of Dragon!

huongnguyenprice wrote:

It's so nice to see strangers giving advices to one another, I'm loving this site now, well, look,I'm trying to find time to get on here every nite now, it's like FB!
Wishing everyone a safe, properous year to come, the year of Dragon!

Sing like nobody is listening, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt, live like it's heaven on earth. ...(Mark Twain)