Short jokes

Flip465 wrote:

Motorbike ??? NO !   You can over balance and the whole thing fall over too easily.   

A nice, firm but comfortable, queen sized double bed in an air conditioned bedroom with an ensuite bathroom. 

What , not even a waterbed? ( good for the " sack of spuds " models )

NOPE  !   The spurs might puncture a waterbed.     

OPPPPPPPPPPPS  !   

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year,,,
Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him..
There was only silence at the other end of the line,
so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet
he felt like an idiot.

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his
own. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young blonde lady came out of the apartment next
to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go
to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'
'Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid.
I have a 28 inch waist.
Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered ....
'Outside,.... when you said you.......heard someone coming.......that was me......'

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

Q: How do you know a blonde likes you?
A: She screws you two nights in a row.

Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: To keep their ankles warm.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PhD in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

Q: Why are blondes so easy to get into bed?
A: Who cares?

Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.

Q: Did you hear about the conceited blonde?
A: She screams her own name when she comes

Q: Why can't blondes count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
A: Her crayons are still sticky.

Q: What happens when you give 61 dollars to a blonde?
A: She wants 8 (ate) more.

Q: What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A: If either one of them end up on there back they are both f*cked.

Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
A: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.

Q: Why don't blondes like anal sex?
A: They don`t like their brains being screwed with

. Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees?
A: Come.

Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.

Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde?
A: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip-code on her thigh?
A: She wanted a lot of male in her box

Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A: Because she blows the horn!

Q: How can you tell a blonde"s been in your fridge?
A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.

Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men.
A: Their heels.

Q: Why is a blonde like a hardware store?
A: They are both 10¢ a screw!

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...

Q: What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme!

Q: Why does a blond whistle when she pees?
A: So she knows what lips to whipe!

Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.
A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blowjob with handlebars

Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.

Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the belt buckle impression on her forehead.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the busty waitress after reading her name tag?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"

Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!

Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.

Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.

Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.

Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel? 
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond! 

Q: What do you give the blonde who has everything?
A: Penicillin.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.

Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are in the ninth grade; which one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she is the only one that's 18.

There was a giant cock and a blonde woman on a farm. The cock said to the blonde "Lets have kids." The blonde agreed and ten minutes later the cock found her screwing their goat.

Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?

." If Lindsay Lohan made it through her cracked-out bleached-blonde lesbian jailbird phase, you can make it through today.

I wanna have sex with Kesha because there would just be so much glitter and blonde hair everywhere

A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?" The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.
Q: Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash?
A: She got cold and turned off the fan.
Q: Why did the blonde have square tits?
A: Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievement?
A: An IN-body experience!

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

A blonde husband spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the emergency operator asked. "No, you idiot!" the blonde shouted. "This is her husband!"

A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair. The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"

Blonde  firing squad
Three women are on death row in Utah (death penalty by firing squad) and about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready.....Aim....." Suddenly the brunette yells, "Earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready....Aim...." The redhead then screams, "Tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready....Aim...." The blonde shouts, "Fire!"

Blonde  lunch
Okay so there was these three men that worked at a construction site. Well, one day they sat down and opened their lunch. The African guy opened up his lunch and got rice. He said that if he got rice again tomorrow that he was going to jump off the building. The Mexican opened up his lunch and got a burrito. He said that if he gets a burrito again tomorrow that he was going to jump off the building also. The blonde opened up his lunch and he got chicken. He said that if he got chicken tomorrow that he was going to jump off the building too. Well, the next day the African guy opened up his lunch and he got rice again so he jumped. The Mexican opened up his and he got a burrito again so he jumped. The Blonde opened up his and he got chicken again so he jumped. At their funeral the African's wife said "If I would have known he didn't want rice I would have packed something different". The Mexican's wife said "If I would have known he didn't want a burrito I would have packed him something different". The Blonde's wife looked up and said "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."


Blonde accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Blind date EP
A young blonde secretary was describing her blind date to a friend. "After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that." "That was smart," her friend said, approvingly. "Then what happened?" "He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said. "You didn't weaken your resolve, did you?" asked the friend. "Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let his mother worry."

No more , pleeeeeeeeease

Time to give the blondes a rest for a while, ( but have heaps more ), , but we can't leave without hearing from the blondest of all blondes, Barbie.

Yes, it's hard to believe, but in 2009 Barbie turned 50 - just in time to greet the 21st century. And they've been 50 full, rich years indeed. She began as a glamorous airline stewardess when she was introduced at Toy Fair in 1959. She soared into space as an astronaut in 1974, ran for president in 1992, and in 1997, she bore disability bravely, folding her first-ever bending legs into a wheelchair to become a role model once again for a newly identified market. In every incarnation,nationality, and skin tone, she's perfectly turned out, with accessories galore at her long slender fingertips. She's Everywoman, she's the Cosmo Girl, she has it all. So, what did Mattel think of next to meet the challenge of Barbie turning 50? Why fight age? Why not capitalize on it in every way possible? Here are some ideas Mattel brought to the table as they considered producing a past 50 Barbie: Bifocals Barbie: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. Hot Flash Barbie: Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With handheld fan and tiny tissues. Facial Hair Barbie: As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. Cook's Arms Barbie: Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional. Bunion Barbie: Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush. No More Wrinkles Barbie: Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics. Soccer Mom Barbie: All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With mini van in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch. Mid-life Crisis Barbie: Ken has a young Swedish girlfriend, so it's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a bed and breakfast. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do." Single Mom Barbie: There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walkup. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included. Recovery Barbie: Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke. Who knows when Barbie will have outlived her usefulness? From Dream House to Nursing Home, the possibilities and accessories are endless!

I don't see a Burqua for Barbie, only a matter of time?

Bank On It
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.


Ashes To Ashes
This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.
"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."

Biting
A man was in  bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.
"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."
"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"
"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."

Banister
A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"Warming up your dinner."

Bubba
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.
"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

So if barbie is so bloody popular , why do you have to buy her friends

Happy8888 wrote:

So if barbie is so bloody popular , why do you have to buy her friends

Maybe she used to live in VN at one time?

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender" .The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed Frances white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability

Clearly Cheating
A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.

Suddenly, Lorraine died.

At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."     ( for all you youngsters, it was a song called, I can  see clearly now the rain has gone, By Johnny Nash )

Bedside Confession
Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time.

Julie: "I should warn you, Ted -- I've got acute angina."

Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."

Confucious say: ''Baseball wrong, man with four balls cannot walk."

The Answer
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

Coma
Mr. Smith's wife has been in a coma for four months. The nurses have come to realise that she moves every time they wash her crotch area. The doctors think hard about this. They bring in Mr. Smith and say that they have a good idea. Perhaps if he practices oral sex with her she will wake out of the coma. Mr. Smith would do anything so he asks for some privacy. He soon rushes out saying, ''I think she's choking!"

In Cider

A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.

"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.

"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.

"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

Bouncing Baby Boy Balls
There was a baby obrn in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."

''Why?' asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."


Clinton and AIDS
Most wives whose husbands fool around have to worry about their husbands getting AIDS from sex.
Hillary just has to worry about her husband getting sex from aides.

True Australian story.
The Australian Government and the NSW Forestry Service were presenting an alternative to NSW sheep farmers for controlling the dingo population.
It seems that after years of the sheep farmers using the tried and tested methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the Labour Government (Peter Garrett - Environmental Minister), the NSW Forestry Service and the Greens tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and, wait for it, let loose again.
Therefore, the dingo population would be controlled.
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the NSW Sheep Farmers Association.
All of the sheep farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.   
Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Mr Garrett, son, I don't think you understand our problem, the dingo's aren't fucking our sheep, they're eating them.'

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.

"I want to live forever"  I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy,  "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that, try something else.

"Fine" I said, "I don't want to die until Julia Gillard is re-elected as Prime Minister".

"You're a shifty little bastard, arent you?"  said the fairy.
       


A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Gillard fans.

Not really knowing what a Gillard fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny ..

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... Again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Gillard fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Gillard?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Liberal."

The teacher asked him why he's a Liberal. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mum's a Liberal and my Dad's a Liberal, so I'm a Liberal."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Gillard fan."

>Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies. A
>nurse
> > > > comes
> > > > in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while
>they
> > > > wait
> > > > for the doctor.
> > > >
> > > > A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's gown
>and
> > > > begins
> > > > to masturbate him. Shocked, he says, "My God, what are you
>doing?" To
> > > > which
> > > > she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to
>have a
> > > clean
> > > >
> > > > procedure."
> > > >
> > > > Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys it as
>she
> > > > completes her task. The second man watches all of this and by the
>time
> > > the
> > > >
> > > > nurse turns to him, he is quite ready for his turn.
> > > >
>&! gt; > > To his surprise, she drops to her knees, opens her lips and
>begins to
> > > give
> > > >
> > > > him a blow job.
> > > >
> > > > The first man says, "Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a
>hand
>job
> > > > and
> > > > he gets a blow job?"
> > > >
> > > > The nurse says, "That, my dear sir, is the difference between
>Medicare
> > > and
> > > >
> > > > private insurance.
> > > >

Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a  ;high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Australian Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:


* If you spend the stimulus money at K-Mart, Big W , Target or the host of $2 shops we have, the money will  ;go to China, Vietnam orSri Lanka .


* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India ,Taiwan or  ;China ...


* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go toChina, India, Peru....

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go  ;to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money inAustralia by:

1) Spending it at  garage  sales, or

2) Going to footy games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only Australian  businesses still operating in OZ.)

Conclusion:

Go to a footy game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a garage ;sale and drink beer all day !

bluenz wrote:

True Australian story.
The Australian Government and the NSW Forestry Service were presenting an alternative to NSW sheep farmers for controlling the dingo population.
It seems that after years of the sheep farmers using the tried and tested methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the Labour Government (Peter Garrett - Environmental Minister), the NSW Forestry Service and the Greens tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and, wait for it, let loose again.
Therefore, the dingo population would be controlled.
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the NSW Sheep Farmers Association.
All of the sheep farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.   
Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Mr Garrett, son, I don't think you understand our problem, the dingo's aren't fucking our sheep, they're eating them.'

This is actually happening in some 'Liberal' states in the USA.
Except it's with feral cats. And some cities have up to 6 million!!
I can locate the source of the material if required.

@jimbream , are you sure you aren't getting confused with mexicans

jimbream wrote:

bluenz wrote:

True Australian story.
The Australian Government and the NSW Forestry Service were presenting an alternative to NSW sheep farmers for controlling the dingo population.
It seems that after years of the sheep farmers using the tried and tested methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the Labour Government (Peter Garrett - Environmental Minister), the NSW Forestry Service and the Greens tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and, wait for it, let loose again.
Therefore, the dingo population would be controlled.
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the NSW Sheep Farmers Association.
All of the sheep farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.   
Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Mr Garrett, son, I don't think you understand our problem, the dingo's aren't fucking our sheep, they're eating them.'

This is actually happening in some 'Liberal' states in the USA.
Except it's with feral cats. And some cities have up to 6 million!!
I can locate the source of the material if required.

They are having a big problem with the feral cats around Kakadu Park, ( Northern Territory , Aus ),  as well, they are as big as medium sized dogs.

Happy8888 wrote:

@jimbream , are you sure you aren't getting confused with mexicans

Happy8888 wrote:

@jimbream , are you sure you aren't getting confused with mexicans

Q: Why do Mexicans make refried beans?
A: Ever heard of a Mexican doing something right the first time.

Q: What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
A: Roberto!

Q: What do you call a Mexican with a lowered car?
A: Carlos!

Q: Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
A: He had locomotives.

Q: Did you hear about the Mexican racist?
A: He joined the que que que.

Q: What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?
A: Cuatro, sink-o.

Q: What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer?
A: Arriba McEntire.
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Q: What do you call two mexicans playing basketball?
A: Juan on Juan.

Q: Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a cliff?
A: Tequila.

Q: What do you call a bunch of mexican stoners?
A: Baked Beans.

Q: Whats the difference between a smart Mexican and a unicorn?
A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters

Q: What do you get when you mix a Mexican and an octopus?
A: I don't know either, but imagine that thing picking oranges

Q: What do you call a Mexican chick with no legs?
A: cuntswaylow

Q: Why cant Mexicans have a barbeque?
A: The beans keep falling through the grill

Q: What do you call an Mexican in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
A: A Referee.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German?
A: A Beaner-Schnitzel

Q: Why were there only 600 Mexicans at the Alamo?
A: They only had two cars.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and an Iranian?
A: Oil of Ol'e.

Q: Why did God give Mexicans noses?
A: So they'll have something to pick in the winter.

Q: What were the 2 Mexican FireFighting Brother's names?
A: Hose A and Hose B

Q: What kind of cans are there in Mexico?
A: Mexicans.

Q: How do you teach a Mexican to swim?
A: Put fence infront of the pool

Q: What's a Mexicans favorite book store?
A: Borders

Q: Why don't Mexicans play hide and seek?
A: Cause nobody will look for them?

Q: Name the only american holiday a mexican won't celebrate?
A: Labor day!

Q: What do you call a building full of Mexicans?
A: Jail

Q: Why are Mexicans and basketball players a like?
A: They both run jump shoot and steal

Q: What do Mexicans and vending machines have in common?
A: They both take your money and don't work.

Q: How do you keep Mexicans from stealing?
A: Put everthing on the top shelf.

Q: Whats the difference between St. Patrick's day and Cinco de Mayo?
A: Nobody pretends to be Mexican.

Q: What's a Mexican's favorite sport?
A: Cross country

Q: What do you call a guy thats half Mexican and half Chinese that wears only one sneaker?
A: Juan Chu

Q: Why can't Mexicans be firemen?
A: They can't tell the difference between jose and hose b

Q: How Do You Starve A Mexican?
A: Put Their Food Stamps In Their Work Boots.

Well that opened a "can of Mexicans"

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk
to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora...."The gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"


You Know You Are a Mexican When...
You share the same social security number with all your amigos
You smell like BO all the time
You have at least thirty cousins
You can't imagine anyone not liking spicy food
There is at least one member in your family name Maria, Guadalupe, Juan, Jose, or Jesus
You run and hide when you see the border patrol
You see a fence and want to hop over it
You have crooked teeth
You are too short to go on rides in disney land
You have a salsa stain on your shirt from a while ago that won't come off
You fart more than you breath
Your biggest problem is deciding between tacos or burritos
At your service job everyone talks to you as if you don't speak english
You have beans and rice with every meal
Instead of saving for your daughters wedding you save money for her quinceñiera.
You don't want Mitt Romney to win because all your cousins will get deported.
Your mowing your own grass, then a car stops to ask you how much you charge
When a song in Spanish is on the radio, and your friends ask you what they are saying
Your house smells like burning tortillas
Everyone sings "Felíz Cumpleaños" instead of the Happy Birthday song on your birthday
Gringos ask you how you roll your R's
you have tons of cousins to beat the hell out of somebody when you need them too
Your parents think your lazy because you take Spanish in high school.
Your parents will beat you with anything they can find. Brooms, shoes, wires, pans, guitars.
Your mouth gets all watery when you smell something spicy
your phone's autocorrect keeps messing up your Spanish texts to your parents.
You watch Border Wars just to re-live those days again.
You hold tequila in one hand, a cross in the other, praying to La Virgen De Guadalupe.
You are in a 5-passenger car with 8 people in it
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
All your white friends think your cousins are in drug cartels in Mexico.

Chris , you just can't help it , can you ?

oops doubled up.

Happy8888 wrote:

Chris , you just can't help it , can you ?

Yeah bit of a waste,really, no Mexicans on here to stir up?  Too bloody humid to do much today.

[
I was bartending in Vegas and this drunk mexican asks me for a shot of tequila and a beer. He was hurting so bad with a hangover..he then asks me for another. I said "You got money? He told me no, but he is hurting so bad that he will do anything for another round.... I looked at him and told him..if you could use these three colors in a sentence, I'll buy you a round...Green Pink and Yellow. The drunk mexican looks at me, thinks for a second, and tells me.."I got it senor, I got it...The telephone goes green, green, I pink it up, and I said Yellow?" I bought him a round....

A Mexican in Vietnam would be akin to a Tanzanian in Antarctica

Happy8888 wrote:

A Mexican in Vietnam would be akin to a Tanzanian in Antarctica

How about a Puerto Rican? But Mia's husband doesn't want to visit.

I discovered a Lao working in Mongolia at one of our mine sites. Temps of -45C

Ha ha , talk about out of your comfort zone

stumpy wrote:

I discovered a Lao working in Mongolia at one of our mine sites. Temps of -45C

I was talking to a Scotsman in the middle of the desert in Aus, temps of +45C, ( seismic crew ), when he found out I was a Kiwi, he asked me if I knew this bloke from NZ, you wouldn't believe, his brother was a mate of my there?????

No I wouldn't

bluenz wrote:

stumpy wrote:

I discovered a Lao working in Mongolia at one of our mine sites. Temps of -45C

I was talking to a Scotsman in the middle of the desert in Aus, temps of +45C, ( seismic crew ), when he found out I was a Kiwi, he asked me if I knew this bloke from NZ, you wouldn't believe, his brother was a mate of my there?????

Whatever you do,don't strike up a long conversation with a local in NYC.
Once they know your nationality,they throw all these names at you,like everyone lives on the same street!

Happy8888 wrote:

No I wouldn't

Well actually you would be right,  he probably wasn't a real Mate,  he was killed a while back, still owing me $900, ( from about 1982 ).But then again, that's what Mates do isn't it , F*#k each other?