Short jokes

A father and his three beautiful, blonde, daughters went into a hotel to stay for the night. When the daughters went to check in, they saw a really good looking bell boy. The father caught the three girls looking at him and he threatened to kill the bell boy if he did anything at all with them. So the bell boy minded his own business and ignored the girls.
While he was working ever so diligently, the eldest daughter goes up to him and says "If you don't do it with me in bed, I will pour red juice on the sheets of my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."
Fearing for his life, he did it with her. Then he saw the beautiful middle daughter in the hallway and she too walked over to him and said "If you don't do it with me, I'll pour red juice on my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."
Again fearing for his life, he agreed. Later that evening the youngest blonde daughter saw him. She walked up to him and said "If you don't have sex with me, I'll pour green juice all over the bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."
"Green juice?" He asked. "Why Green?"
She replied, "Because my cherry isn't ripe yet, duh."

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. 
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out
his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.  "Hi sweetheart It's Eric.
 
I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty,
but I had a long meeting."  "No honey not with that blonde from the
accounting office. It was with the boss."  "No sweetheart, you're the only one
in my life."  "Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."
 
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.  When the young woman
sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
 
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince,
she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching
the world go by from her front porch, with a cat
named Ted for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the
fairy godmother.
[]
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you
doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have
lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there
anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some
thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and
I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'
The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do..
What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth
I once had.'
[]
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful
young visage returned. Cinderella  felt stirrings inside
her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
[]
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the
corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Ted,
my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Ted suddenly underwent so fundamental
a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood
before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him
neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella,
enjoy your new life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy
godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments,
Ted and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes..
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful,
stunningly perfect man she had ever seen..
Then Ted walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed
in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young
muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm
breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off.'

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A
SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER
FOREARM AND
THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY
PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO
HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE
A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD
TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO
THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER
REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY
SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!
   hahah you thought it was going to be crude????

Maybe we should all just go to sleep (with the light on !!)

One dark night in the small town of Woopwoop , W.A, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire brigades for miles around.

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'

But the roaring flames held the firefighters at bay. Soon more fire brigades had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire brigade that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Baringa volunteer fire department composed mainly of Aboriginal firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Aboriginal firefighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Baringa old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Aboriginal fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Well,' said Chief Billy Cokebottle, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de first ting we gonnna do is fix dem brakes on dat farkin old truck, eh!!

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,

Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs

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7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40

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A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
---------------------

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....
Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon

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"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face

I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!

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2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.  Theyre both in hospital... one's in a korma

the other's got a dodgy tikka!

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The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in Brixton.

You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!

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In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead

and anything else they could get their bloody hands on

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Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth

Two ABBOS were riding along the highway on a motorbike. They broke
Down and started trying to hitch a lift.
A friendly trucker (Wilko) stopped to see if he could help and they
Asked him for a lift. He told them he had no room in the rig because
He was carrying 20,000 lawn bowls.

The ABBOS put it to Wilko that if they could manage to fit in the back
With their bike, would he give them a lift, and he relented.
They managed to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back
Of the wagon so Wilko the driver shut the doors and got off on his
Way.

By this time he was really late and so pushed his foot down hard. Sure
Enough the Highway Patrol pulled him over for speeding. The good
Officer asked Wilko what he was carrying to which he replied
Jokingly-- 'ABBO eggs'.
The Highway Patrol Officer obviously didn't believe this so wanted to
Take a look for himself.
He opened the back door and quickly slammed it shut it and locked it.
Then he got onto his radio and called for immediate backup from as
Many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asked what emergency there was that required so many officers.

'I've got a wagon with 20,000 ABBO eggs in it - 2 have hatched and the
Bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already'

What do you call an abbo in a freezer?

Stiff sh*t

A West Aussie and a Victorian were hunting in the north west when an
abo runs across the field.
The West Aussie takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him.
"You can't do that!"cried the Victorian.
"No, no, it's legal here in West Australia " replies the West Aussie
Later that night the Victorian goes and buys some beer and puts it on
the roof of his ute to open the door.
Just then an abo runs by, grabs the beer, and runs off.
The Victorian thinks "No problem" draws his pistol, shoots, and kills
him.
As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him.
"But I thought it was legal to shoot
abos in West Australia !" protests the Victorian.
"Well yeah," says the cop, "but youre not allowed to use bait"

One hot summer day, Warrigal came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the pub for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a cop entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"

Warrigal called out, " It's mine, mate."

"Your dog seems  to be in heat," the cop said.

Warrigal replied, "No way. She's cool as, 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."

The cop said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said Warrigal. "That dog don't need no bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed 'er this mornin'."

The exasperated cop said, "NO!  You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"

Warrigal looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."

Only in Australia...
Col, the Country Lawyer, ran across an old client, an aboriginal lady,
who was beaming from ear to ear, outside of the Alice Springs Court ...
She was carrying some corrugated iron under one arm,

and a carton of Fosters under the other.
             'G'day Mary', says Col,'What are you looking so happy about today?
Just bin to da Fambly Court, Col, about my deevorce, and look,
I got half da house and half da contents!!.............

An aboriginals son asks his dad, "Dad, what's democracy?"
"Well, son, that's when whites work and we get all the benefits from it!"
"But dad, aren't the white people pissed off about it?"
"Sure they are, but that's called 'racism'"

Two Abos were driving their old
Holden in the outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a police "booze bus".

Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said 'G'day, brudder! Two cans of Emu Export, thanks!'

The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk!
Get out of the car and blow into this tube!'

The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in that,
I got a letter from the doctor saying I'm asthmatic
And I'll pass out if I blow in that.'

The cop smirked and said 'OK - in that case,
We require you to give a blood sample.'

'Nah, nah - sorry, boss,' replied the driver.
'Can't be doin' that. Got a letter from the Red Cross sayin' I'm a haemophiliac, (big word for an abo) and I could bleed to death if I gave a blood sample. Sorry boss, can't do that!'
By now the copper was getting very irate, and so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing.

The driver shook his head and said
'Sorry boss, can't do that either.'

The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that!!!'

'Bloody oath, mate!' says the driver,
'It's from Julia Gillard, the Prime Minister of this lovely
Country of Australia - she's apologised, and says that
You whitefellas can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more!

An Australian Aboriginal picks up a hooker.



'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.



'$100,' she replies.



He says 'Do you do Aboriginal style?'



'No' she says.



'I pay you $200 to do it Aboriginal style'



'No', she says, not knowing what Aboriginal style is.



'I pay you $300'



'No', she says.



'I pay you $400'



'No', she says.



So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it
Aboriginal style..'



She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years
now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from
every
part of the world. How bad could Aboriginal Style be?''.



So she agrees and has sex with him.



They do it in every kind of way and in every possible
position. Finally, after several hours, they finish.



Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was
expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was
good. So what exactly is 'Aboriginal style'?'



The Aboriginal replies 'You send da bill to da Gub'ment'

GEOGRAPHY OF WOMAN

At 20,she's like Africa - half explored.
At 30,she's like India - warm,deep and luxuriant.
At 40,she's like America - technically perfect.
At 50,she's like Pompeii - all of ruins.
At 60,she's like Siberia - everyone knows where it is,but no one wants to go there.

                                         BRUCE AND SHEILA.
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.
Bruce slams on the brakes and yells "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
He says "Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great shag but you're a real sport too."

And drives off.

                                                       THE ADVERTISING EXEC FROM SYDNEY
A burnt out advertising executive decides he has had enough of the rat race & buys a bush block out west.
No electricity, no phones - no company.
He has read everything he can &, after a few weeks is getting a bit bored.
One afternoon he sees dust up in the distance coming towards him, a while later a crusty old bushie gets out of a battered ute and puts out his hand.

"Hello mate, I'm your closest neighbour, live about 20 miles up the road, thought we'd chuck ya a party to welcome you to the area"

"Sounds great" says the ad-man.

"I hear you city boys like your drugs and drink so we'll get that in for ya."

"Sounds awesome" says the ad-man

"We tend to get a bit punchie and horny 'round here after all those drugs & drink though, can ya handle yerself if a fight kicks off or a bit of sex is on the cards?"

"I go alright. Hey this all sounds great, what time should I arrive and what should I wear?" say the ad-man

"Doesn't really matter" says the bushie "it is only going to be you and me".......

And on it goes.......
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Morning after Christmas, two brothers are in front of the tree.
'So what did you get?' Says the first.

'I got a PSP, a bike, four model cars, ten action figures, the new playstation 3, 10 games for it, and loads of cool t-shirts and clothes. You?'

'I got a pair of socks and a spiderman toy.'

'Is that it?'

'Well yeah, but I don't have leukaemia'
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David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week the forms will only be printed in English.

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My wife has been missing a week now... The police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I had to go down to Good-Will to get all of her clothes back...

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A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said  "Her brother's got a moustache"

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Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip,
I said to the lady at the registration desk ... "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

jimbream wrote:

And on it goes.......
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Morning after Christmas, two brothers are in front of the tree.
'So what did you get?' Says the first.

'I got a PSP, a bike, four model cars, ten action figures, the new playstation 3, 10 games for it, and loads of cool t-shirts and clothes. You?'

'I got a pair of socks and a spiderman toy.'

'Is that it?'

'Well yeah, but I don't have leukaemia'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week the forms will only be printed in English.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife has been missing a week now... The police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I had to go down to Good-Will to get all of her clothes back...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said  "Her brother's got a moustache"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip,
I said to the lady at the registration desk ... "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

Thank god, at last ,  I was starting to think I'd heard every joke ever made. ( apparently my Alzhiemers isn't as bad as I thought ).

What do you call an abbo in a church?

Holy sh*t!

Heard my neighbour shagging for what

seemed like ages last night, moaning,

groaning and banging the headboard off

the wall! ... turns out her elderly mother

had fallen over cracking her head and

was knocking on the wall with her cane

for help. ... feel a bit guilty about the

wank now.

cth wrote:

What do you call an abbo in a church?

Holly sh*t!

What do you call an abbo in a suit?

The defendant.

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money,and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the Afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close thecasket, the wife said,
"Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her,she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
"Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied
"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that Casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did" said the wife.
"I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque.
If he can cash it, he can bloody well spend it."

Two well dressed ladies happened to start-up a conversation during an endless wait in Brisbane Airport Terminal. The first lady was an arrogant
Sydney woman married to a wealthy business man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Mount Isa,Queensland.

After a little while Sydney woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from Mount Isa commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from Mount Isa commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman went on, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked , "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Mount Isa lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my Lord! What could they teach you ??"

The Mount Isa lady responded, "Well as an example... instead of saying, "Who gives a Fuck?", I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"

Three men - an Australian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a 
  Biker are all walking together one day. 
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',   
says the Genie. 
The Australian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm.  I want the land to be forever fertile in  Australia   ' 
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in  Australia  was forever fertile for farming. 
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan ,   Palestine ,  Iraq and Iran  so that no infidels, Americans or Australians 
can come into our precious land.' 
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. 
The Biker says,'I am very curious. 
Please tell me more about this wall.' 
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet  high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; 
   it's virtually impenetrable.' 
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar, 
smiles and says, 
   'Fill it with water.'

A 12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.
"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the driver.
"No way, get stuffed", replied the  boy.
"How about a bag of lollies and $10?" asked the driver.
"I said no way", replied the irritated youngster
"What about a bag of juicy lollies and $50 eh?", quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
"No, I'm not getting in the bloody car!" answered the boy.
"Okay, okay, I know what you want. I'll give you $100 and a bag of lollies", the driver offered.
"NO!",  screamed the boy.
"What will it take to get you in the car?" Asked the driver with a long sigh.
The boy replied,
"Listen  Dad, you bought the Commodore, you live with it."

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Pissed at  the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.  Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon  and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never fool with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

Hey DP, lets see how long it takes before we both post the same joke?  Keep em coming, you have given me a few I must have lost somewhere.

3 virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.  Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions
of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but:  Nescafe.  Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said:  Good till the last drop. Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and the card read:   Rothmans.  Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack:   Extra Long. King Size.  She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand . Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed; still nothing.. A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, Air New Zealand ..

Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.


'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'


MUM FAINTED !!!!!

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was
being wined and dined by the State Department.
The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods
(French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was
constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a
glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off
and return with a glass of water, but then came the time
when he returned empty handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?"
demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the
wretched Abdul. "But a man is sitting on the well!"

A drunk walked into a bar carrying three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He placed them one beside the other upon the bar. He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with the bartender.  The bartender was surprised, but experienced and had learned not to ask people about animals they bring into the bar,so he didn't mention the ducks.  They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had to go to  the rest room.  He left the ducks there on the bar. The bartender was alone with the ducks.  There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another.  The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation.  "Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck.  "Huey," replied the first duck.  "How's your day been, Huey?"  "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball.  Been in and out of puddles all day!  What else could a duck want?" said the duck.  "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. Then he said to the second duck,  "Hi. And what's your name?"  "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.  "So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too!  Been in and out of puddles all day myself.  If I had the chance another day I'd do the same again!" said the duck in reply.  So the bartender turned to the third duck and said,  "So, you must be Louie?"
>           "No," she said, "my name is Puddles. And don't even ask what kind of day I've had!"

Aussie Lateral thinking

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over
on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards,
she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She
yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce
came running in. "Bruce, I've  bloody suctioned myself to the floor"
she said."Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck
fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate).They came
back and they both tried to pull her up."No way. We can't do it, let's
try Plan B." Cobba said "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the
tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba"Spot on"
Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and fondle her tits."
"Fondle her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"
"Maybe not," Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough,
we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought...
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(Wait for it)
She smiled and explained,
"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
>
> his elbow goes into her breast.*
> *
>
> They are both quite startled.*
> *
>
>
>
> The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
> breast,
>
> I know you'll forgive me.'
>
> She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'*
> *
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his
> wife's arm.
>
> The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist
> appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
>
> The husband, rejected, turns over.
>
>A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
>
> 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Bill worked in a pickle factory. *
> *
> He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one
> day
>
> to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. *
> *
> He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. *
> *
> His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it,
> but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
> compulsion on his own.
>
> One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once
> that something was seriously wrong.
>
> 'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.**
>
>'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put
> my penis into the pickle slicer?'
>
> 'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
>
> 'Yes, I did.' he replied.*
>
> 'My God, Bill, what happened?'
>
>'I got fired.'* *
>
> 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
>
> 'Oh...she got fired too.'**/
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A couple had been married for 50 years.
>
> They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
> 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast
> table
> together.'
>
> 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked
> as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
>
> 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
>
> Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
>
> 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples
> are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
>
> 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee
> and the other is in your oatmeal*
> *
>
> ===============================================*

Two Blondes With Hammers...
Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house.
Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out
a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails
away?"
Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the
head on the wrong end and I throw them away."
Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective!

They're for the other side of the house!

No more plastic dwarf chairs in bui Vien

ok for a short jokes thread, but please avoid anything that could be considered as discriminative .... (nationalities, sex, religion, origin and so on..)

thanks.

As a famous humorist said : "we can laugh about everything, but not with everyone"

Julien wrote:

ok for a short jokes thread, but please avoid anything that could be considered as discriminative .... (nationalities, sex, religion, origin and so on..)

thanks.

As a famous humorist said : "we can laugh about everything, but not with everyone"

(nationalities, sex, religion, origin and so on..) what is left, nursery time jokes?
Its a bit late for that maybe?   We are , ( or should be ) adults on here. Maybe rename it R18, no prudes , enter at your own risk, and beware some jokes contain racial content.  Nobody is being forced to read anything on here.

I have a solution, for all the perverted , racist, heathens,  ( have I missed anyone ?), with a sense of humour, interested in being on a mailing list, ( where we can share/swap jokes , without ' fear '  of being moderated ), you can PM me with an e-mail address, ( make one up if you like, it will only be used for good, ( jokes ) , hopefully ).  Just as well the thread is about to be shut down, I hadn't started on jokes about VN yet. ( but where would you start though?? )

bluenz wrote:

Julien wrote:

ok for a short jokes thread, but please avoid anything that could be considered as discriminative .... (nationalities, sex, religion, origin and so on..)

thanks.

As a famous humorist said : "we can laugh about everything, but not with everyone"

(nationalities, sex, religion, origin and so on..) what is left, nursery time jokes?
Its a bit late for that maybe?   We are , ( or should be ) adults on here. Maybe rename it R18, no prudes , enter at your own risk, and beware some jokes contain racial content.  Nobody is being forced to read anything on here.

Easily solved,only one joke permitted.
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
"To get to the other side"

Ooops! Can't use that one.
1.A domestic fowl needs to be contained in an enclosure for it's own safety.The owners of said chicken need to be prosecuted for animal neglect.
2.Also,stating the chicken wants to get to the other side of the road,implies that we are forcing our opinions and false ideals on an independent free thinking animal.
We have no right to constrain said chicken with our naive and unguided views on why it wants to cross a road.
3.And finally,having a chicken crossing a road leads to the possibility of accident and injury of other road users,thus creating mental anguish on the reader of the joke.

jimbream wrote:

bluenz wrote:

Julien wrote:

ok for a short jokes thread, but please avoid anything that could be considered as discriminative .... (nationalities, sex, religion, origin and so on..)

thanks.

As a famous humorist said : "we can laugh about everything, but not with everyone"

(nationalities, sex, religion, origin and so on..) what is left, nursery time jokes?
Its a bit late for that maybe?   We are , ( or should be ) adults on here. Maybe rename it R18, no prudes , enter at your own risk, and beware some jokes contain racial content.  Nobody is being forced to read anything on here.

Easily solved,only one joke permitted.
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
"To get to the other side"

Ooops! Can't use that one.
1.A domestic fowl needs to be contained in an enclosure for it's own safety.The owners of said chicken need to be prosecuted for animal neglect.
2.Also,stating the chicken wants to get to the other side of the road,implies that we are forcing our opinions and false ideals on an independent free thinking animal.
We have no right to constrain said chicken with our naive and unguided views on why it wants to cross a road.
3.And finally,having a chicken crossing a road leads to the possibility of accident and injury of other road users,thus creating mental anguish on the reader of the joke.

Nice try Jim, but we will probably be upsetting the feminists with this one, ( was the chicken a female? ) and animal activists, enslaving the poor chicken like that, just as well you didn't mention the chickens nationality, or origin , not quite sure that there is a difference?? I suppose it could have been born somewhere else than what is stated on it's passport.