Short jokes

How's this for a good play on words?


Following the problems with Lehmann Bros and the sub-prime lending market in the USA  uncertainty has now hit Japan.


In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikasi Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.


While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop, and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

A frog goes into a bank and
  approaches the teller. He
can see from her nameplate
that her name is Patricia
Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get
a $30,000 loan to take a
holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in
disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is
Kermit Jagger, his dad is
Mick Jagger, and that it's
okay, he knows the bank
manager.

Patty explains that he will
need to secure the loan with
some collateral.


The frog says, "Sure. I have
this," and produces a tiny
porcelain elephant, about an
inch tall, bright pink and
perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains
that she'll have to consult
with the bank manager and
disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and
says, "There's a frog called
Kermit Jagger out there who
claims to know you and wants
to borrow $30,000, and he
wants to use this as
collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink
elephant. "I mean, what in
the world is this?"



The bank manager looks back
at her and says.

"It's a knickknack, Patty
Whack. Give the frog a loan,
His old man's a Rolling
Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you?
Yeah, I know you are..)

A GREAT WEEKEND!!!!
A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake in Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man,

'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
HOME DEPOT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS..................................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, ''Hang on! You're a duck.''

''I see your eyes are working,'' replies the duck.

''And you can talk!'' exclaims the barman.

''I see your ears are working, too,'' says the duck. ''Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?''

''Certainly, sorry about that,'' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. ''It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.  What are you doing round this way?''

''I'm working on the building site across the road,'' explains the duck. ''I'm a plasterer.''

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but  takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then, one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, ''You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus.  He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!''

''Sounds marvellous,'' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. ''Get him to give me a call.''

The next day, when the duck comes into the pub, the barman says, ''Hey, Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.''
''I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. ''Where is it?''

''At the circus,'' says the barman.

''The circus?'' repeats the duck.

''That's right,'' replies the barman.

''The circus?'' the duck asks again.  ''That place with the big tent?' '

''Yeah,'' the barman replies.

''With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?'' says the duck.

''Of course,'' the barman replies.

''And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?'' persists the duck.

''That's right!'' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says, 

.
.
.


.
.''What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??!'

*Duck,Duck,where did you go ? To find a new mate overseas........Duck,Duck my pockets are emty and my cubord is bare ...would you have a nickle to spare. Duck,Duck answers ...no...my  words are  emty pockets that spare no truth  and my cubord is locked with the unspoken truth and not a nickle to spare. What Lies have you told today? I will spare a nickle for the truth!,

A wise old owl lived in an oak.
The more he saw the less he spoke.
The less he spoke the more he heard.
Why can't we all be like that wise old bird??.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with 4 young mothers and their little children ,  You all have obsessions  he observed.
   To the first mother he said ,  You are obsessed with eating, you have even named your daughter Candy .
To the second mother he said,  Your obsession is with money, again it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny
To the third mother he said,  Your obsession is alcohol, this too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy .
At this point , the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by his hand , and whispers,  Come on Dick, were leaving

My son Dick ran away with the honey and left me with a jar $000.00 with no money.

One for you Peterpipercorn.

Marriage or Relationship

     

    If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him, and never say it's not quite as good as his mother's ....


    then adopt a dog

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want ...


     then adopt a dog!


    If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies ...


    then adopt a dog

If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to warm your feet, and whom you can push off if he snores ...


     then adopt a dog!


     If you want someone who never criticizes what you do; doesn't care if you are pretty, ugly, fat, thin, young or old; who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to; and loves you unconditionally, perpetually ..


      then adopt a dog!


     BUT ... on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call; ignores you totally when you come home; leaves hair all over the place; walks all over you; runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep; and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness! 
   
    Then Adopt a cat!

A Man named Dick had a dog named the #0  WHO dug hole in the ground in the shape of the #0
..then came a cat WHO made a much bigger hole in the shape of the# 0...then Dick said ,I too will leave a hole in the ground in the shape of the #0 ...so he dug  a hole in the shape of  the #0 derictly into his wifes Bank account!

Julia Gillard , ( ex Aus PM ), called Bob Brown into her office one day and said  "Bob, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the  country voters"..

        "Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"?  said Brown.

        "Well", said Gillard, "we get ourselves one of those Dri aza  Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat.  Oh, and  a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part.  We'll go to a  typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush".

        "Right" said Brown.

        Days later, all kitted out and with the  requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly  direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking  for and found a typical outback pub.  They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

        "G'day mate", said Gillard to the bartender, "two  middies of your best beer".

        "Good afternoon Leader", said the  bartender, "two middies of our best coming up".

        Gillard and  Brown stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting,  nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The  dog lay quietly at their feet.

        All of a sudden, the door from the  adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with  stock whip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the  whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to  the other bar. A few moments later in came another old stockman with  his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked  underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

        Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

        Eventually, Gillard and Brown could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

        "Tell me" said Brown, "why did all those old  stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that?  Is it an old outback custom?"

        "Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em  there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes"...

Hahaha!

Tickle to the right,...tickle to the left ....tickle when you know if you are right...tickle when you know you are wrong!......
And when you are ,really wrong,...and you know you are wrong,...then tickle yourself out of this one!

There is a factory in Northern Minnesotca which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.


The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena ..

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday....'

'Your job is to give Elmo 2 test tickles.

Funny!

Blue, that was funny! Just don't tell it around any hulking Finlanders or Norwegans (as in 'vegans') from Northern Minnesota. You Betcha! The 1970s comedian Tim Conway sure captured the regional accent.

lirelou wrote:

Blue, that was funny! Just don't tell it around any hulking Finlanders or Norwegans (as in 'vegans') from Northern Minnesota. You Betcha! The 1970s comedian Tim Conway sure captured the regional accent.

Northern Minnesota?  sorry never heard of the place.

Short Minnesota Jokes
Q: Which state has the smallest drinks?
A: Mini-soda.
Q: What's the difference between a Southwest Minnesota State University sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A: One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.
Q: What's the only thing that grows in Minneapolis?
A: The swelling from your head from getting jacked!
Q: Why do Minnesota grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the Southwest Minnesota State University campus?
A: A visitor.
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the Minnesota State University library?
A: Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Minnesota's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.
Q: What does the average Minnesota State University student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.
Q: How many Southwest Minnesota State freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
Q: How do you make University of Minnesota cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Minnesota?
A: Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Q: If you have a car containing a Gophers wide receiver, a Gophers linebacker, and a Gophers defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.
Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Minnesota?
A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.
Q: How do you castrate a Minnesota Gophers fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth
Q: Whats the difference between the Minnesota Gophers and cheerios?
A: One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn't!
Q: Why do Minnesota students have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Minnesota Gophers campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q: Why are rectal thermometers banned at the University of Minnesota?
A: They cause too much brain damage!
Q: What should you do if you find three University Of Minnesota football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: What's the difference between a Minnesota Gophers fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Minnesota?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
Q. How did the Minnesota Gopher die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q: What is the definition of a Minnesota virgin?
A: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers..
Q: What does a Minnesota Gophers fan do when his team has won the BCS championship?
A: He turns off the PlayStation 3.
Q: What do you call an Minnesota Gopher in a BCS bowl game?
A: A referee.
Q: What's the difference between a Minnesota football player and a dollar?
A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar.
Q: Did you hear that Minnesota's football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.
Q: How many Minnesota Gophers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps dont burn out man!
Q: What are the best four years of an Minnesota Gophers life?
A: Third grade
Q: What does a Minnesota native and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: Theyre both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do tornadoes and graduates from the University of Minnesota have in common?
A: They both end up in trailer parks.
Q: What do the University of Minnesota and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!
Q. How do they separate the men from the boys in Minnesota?
A. With a restraining order.
Q. What's the first thing an Gopher girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.
Q: What do you call an Minnesota Gopher football player with a championship ring?
A: A thief!
Q: What is a Gophers fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat Michigan."
Q: Why does a Gophers fan pour his cereal on a plate?
A: He lost his bowls.
Q: How do you stop an Minnesota fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in Maize and Blue!
Q: What did the Minnesota female say after sex?
A: Get off me Dad, you're crushing my smokes!
Q: What is the difference between a bucket of shit and a Gophers fan?
A: The bucket.
Q: Why do they not serve ice in drinks at Gophers games anymore?
A: The student who knew the recipe graduated
Q: Why don't girls play hide and seek in Minnesota?
A: No one would look for them.

Falling in Love A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: She was an Iowa Hawkeyes fan and he was a Iowa State Cyclones fan. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Hawkeye fan. He went to the doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, "Yes, it's a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be an Iowa Hawkeyes fan." The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. "Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?" The man sat up, looked around, and said "GO GOLDEN GOPHERS!"

Sheep Coitus A Indiana Hoosiers fan and a Minnesota Golden Gophers fan were driving along when all of a sudden the Indiana fan slams on the brakes. There was a sheep with her head stuck in the fence and the Indiana fan said "We Hoosiers never pass up an opportunity like this!" And he gets out and has his way with the sheep. Then he says to the Minnesota fan, "Your turn"... And the Golden Gophers fan bends over and sticks his head in the fence.

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning, Windows frozen."
Husband texts back, "Pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back,
"Computer completely fucked now."

This is to prove that we have become too dependent on our computers.

     

    Question: Are you male or female?

     To find out the answer, look down....

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Look down, not scroll down

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her

>mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she

>exclaimed:

>"But I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my

>Mother."  The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he

>asked. "Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised. Well then, just follow

>me"

>said the man as he walked towards the next room.  The blonde did as she

>was

>told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said.

>She

>did. Now get on your knees." She did. "Now take down my zipper." She

>did.

>"Now go ahead ... take it out ." She reached in and  grabbed it with

>both

>hands ... then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well, go

>ahead." The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer...and while holding

>it

>close to her lips tentatively said...  "Hello, Mom can you hear me?"

repeated

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune
. . . Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma, and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting. 'What's up?'  she asks. 'I think I'm having a heart attack,' -   cries the husband.. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says,  "Mummy, Mummy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband.. She rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor. 'You rotten bitch',  she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

bluenz wrote:

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Toronto Police Force.
The detective conducting the interview  looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said,
"Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face!
You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The  detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but...."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it,  saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said,
"I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.
" The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said,

"Well, Hellooooooooooooo!
With only one eye and one ear, ...he certainly can't wear glasses."

Oops, this is No 9 as well, repeating them already !!!!!!

10 Husbands

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.


        On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle....I'm still a virgin".


        What?" Said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?


        Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it's going to be.


        Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.


        Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.


        Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.


        Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.


        Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.


        Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.


        Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.


        Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.


        Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.. .God I miss....him!


        But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"


        Good," said the husband, "but, why?"


        You're a Tax Man...... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

PANTIES ON A PLANE

There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time. The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm going to wear me sum hot pink panties before I get on that plane.

'Why you going to wear them for?' the other two asked?

The first replied, 'Cause, if that plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a cone field, they going to find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-going to wear me some florescent orange panties.' 'Why you going to wear them?' the others asked. The second lady answered, 'Cause if this hare plane is going down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, they can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not going to wear any panties..... ....

'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief. The third lady says, 'that's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearing no panties, cause if this plane goes down, honey, they always look for the black box first..

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet
Euro's 20,000 on a single roll
of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind,
but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.

"With that, she stripped from the neck down,
rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and
down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up
her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY -  Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

Two Catholic Parrots


A lady goes to her  priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a  problem.

I have two female  parrots,

But they only know to  say one thing'

'What do they say?'  the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're  hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the  priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a  moment......
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I  have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the  Bible...

Bring your two  parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and  Peter.

My parrots can teach  your parrots to pray and worship,

And your parrots are  sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the  woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She  brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her  in, 
She saw that his two  male parrots  were inside their  cage holding rosary beads and praying..


Impressed, She walked  over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes,  The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do  you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned  silence...

The one male parrot  looked over at the other male parrot and said,

 

'Put the beads away,  Frank,
Our prayers  have been  answered!
******

cut out the patty joke , no body laughs on this forum

An alien crash lands in the wild west of America, looks around to get his bearings and sets off to town, walking into town the first buildintg he sees is a salloon, he walks inside climbs up onto a bar stool and orders a beer, a few moments go by when he licks his longest finger an sticks it into the ear of the out law sitting next to him, the guy is revolted, turns to the alien and asks, what do you think your doing, cut it out, the alien goes on drinking his beer. when again he licks his digit, sticks in the roughiens ear, the guy jerks around and says if you do that again i'll kick you in the nuts all the way out the door, things go back the way they were. It happen again,GRAB, BOOT BANG SCRAPE, the alien dusts himself off goes back inside, the rough neck asks , what do you guys do for sex, and the little green guy licks his finger, and reaches for the mans ear

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a splint out of a couple of Redhead matches, his little face lit up when he tried to walk....
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
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Humped my best mate's wife last night and today I feel awful.
She must have had the flu or something.
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A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and hits her in the face.
When she falls to the ground, he starts screaming, "You're not so tough now, are you, Batman?"

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A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender,? Would you like a drink?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.  John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The  parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. 
Then suddenly there was total quiet.  Not a peep was heard
for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.  The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.  I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?

bluenz wrote:

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.  John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The  parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. 
Then suddenly there was total quiet.  Not a peep was heard
for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.  The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.  I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?

A good one. Not heard before and a laugh.

Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year,

And every year Bill would say,

" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied,

" I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied,

" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks,

but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

" I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed! "

Bill replied,


"Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out, but you know,

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES
     
    Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!
     
    Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint.
    Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
     
    The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, Is x-rayed the same day and has a
    time booked for surgery the following week.
     
    The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to
    see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week And finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then.


    Why the different treatment for the two patients?
     
    The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
    The SECOND is a Senior Citizen

Two older women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.   
The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob-job."   
The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my arse-hole bleached!" 

"Oh! Dear!" replied the first woman.  "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

Three Men on a Hike*

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging, Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man
prayed:

' God, please give me the strength to cross the river. '



Poof! . God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.



After witnessing that, the second man prayed: ' God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river '



Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.



Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: ' God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the
river '


Poof! . He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.



' If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!*                    LOL

3 human impossibilities
 
1)You can't count your hair.
2)You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3)You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

Ten (10) Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category. Have a great Day. Laugh, and then Laugh and sing It's a Beautiful Morning even when it's not.

 
"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."