Short jokes

Wife  comes home early and catches Hubby having a wank in the kitchen. She rushes  over and gives him the blow job of his life.
Afterwards he says "We  haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this . . . Why??"
She answers  "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my teeth than get the fucking mop out again!!"

Irish newlyweds  turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist  asks "Do you have reservations?"
Bride says "Well . . . . .I'm a bit  worried about taking it up the arse!!!"

Paddy  caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He  puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your  fucking next!!"

Woman goes to the  Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".
Doctor says "Pop your  knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina
"How does that feel?" he asks.
"Fucking  lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear!"



Went  out last night dressed to kill . . . . . . . . . Beard, sandals, turban and  backpack.

Little  boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time  you'll get a speaking part!!"



Two  Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The  prices are reasonable too."
Mick  agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman  turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick  "but it shouldn't be long now though; she sent her clothes  yesterday!!"


Give  it here"
"No,  it's mine"
"Let me have it"
"Its  my turn!"
"You  had it last"
"Fuck  off!!"
"Come on gimme it"
"You never do it right!"
"But  it's my go!!!"

.  . . . . . .Siamese twins having a wank




The  police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my Wife. They  said "Is this your Wife Sir?" Shocked, I answered "Yes!". They said "I'm  afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus". I said "I know but she  has a lovely personality!"


Teacher  asks class to put the word contagious in a sentence.
Ron says "The  measles are contagious".
Katie says "There is a bug going round and it's  contagious"
Little Johnny says "My neighbour's painting his house with a 2 inch brush and Dad says it will take the contagious!!"


Lost  my job as a lifeguard yesterday.
Apparently refusing a Muslim entry to  the pool whilst tapping the "No bombing" sign isn't the done thing. 


Man  walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men  with really small dicks?"
Girl  says "I dont think its in yet"
He  replies "Yeah, thats the  one!!!"

I like the bit about growing older-how very true

A MATURE LADY GETS PULLED OVER FOR SPEEDING..

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop:  I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to
see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while
calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps
out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The traffic cop is quite
stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to
the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer
here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you
murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

An eighty year old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said the old fellow, 'and that is why I am in such good shape.  I am up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.  I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more to it.  How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Dad died?'

The doctor was amazed.  'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive?  How old is he?'

'He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive.  He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it than that.  How about your Dad's Dad?  How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandad is dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living!  Incredible, how old is he?'

'He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point.  'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today.'

At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.



On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay,
She opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair..
He had no arms or legs.   The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?  Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said............,



'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

Older men scam at COSTCO

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall
and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen
for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A
'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Costco. This
one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a
victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get
supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to
think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, college-age girls will
come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into
your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and
Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
(It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a
tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the
other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen  June  4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again
on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also July 1st, 4th, 5th, twice
on the  8th & 9th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take
advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones
for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their
stores. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11
pounds just running back and forth from Rona, to Home Depot, to
Wal-Mart.

So please, send this on to all the retired men that you know and warn
them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just
before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That�s a good piece of fir." "Correct,� says the manager, �now try this one." "That�s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused,� says the blind man, �Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you�re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It�s the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

A  cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
           
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
 
  Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
 
  The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell ® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.         
 
    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .         
 
  Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.       
   
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."         
 
  "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud..       
       
    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.         
   
  Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"         
   
  The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, Okay, why not?"       
 
    "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.             
         
   
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie," but how did you guess that?           
   
  "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.  This is a herd of sheep.
   
Now give me back my dog.

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs
locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.  Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.

I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me," he replied.

I've seen several versions of this joke, but still good.

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110,
then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!"
and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked
up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift
ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason
for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: 'Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'



Judy emailed Hillary Clinton for information about her great great uncle. Hillary's staff sent back the following biographical sketch: 'Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'



NOW THAT is how it's done fellows! THAT is SPIN!

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents'
house for dinner. This is to be her first time
meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and
begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little
discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The
gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve
herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but
everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had
a chance to be embarrassed,
her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that
had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather
stern voice,
"Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her
face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain
again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder
and
longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A
few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time
she
didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled
a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the
dog
with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her
before
she shits on you!"

OK, BlueNZ, the Florida joke was funny. A humble bow. But, it also describes the great majority of Corvette drivers in the State (excepting those driving rental Corvettes) to a "t". Yes, what little hair they have left, often tied into a pony tail (bald top does not go well with pony tail from sides). The young crowd goes for Lotuses, Massarattis, Aston Martins, the new sport Jag, and Ferraris, at least in Miami where the money is.

lirelou wrote:

OK, BlueNZ, the Florida joke was funny. A humble bow. But, it also describes the great majority of Corvette drivers in the State (excepting those driving rental Corvettes) to a "t". Yes, what little hair they have left, often tied into a pony tail (bald top does not go well with pony tail from sides). The young crowd goes for Lotuses, Massarattis, Aston Martins, the new sport Jag, and Ferraris, at least in Miami where the money is.

There should be jokes about riders of HD's also, when they are going through their mid life crisis's, riding around on their HD's , they can now afford, or are allowed to own now. ( divorced?? ) but NEVER after 2 drops of rain?

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise
and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension



2. It chatters constantly at high speeds


3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much




4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!





'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.

Google how and why cornflakes where invented-now that is funny

Happy8888 wrote:

Google how and why cornflakes where invented-now that is funny

Why not post it?
  Hahaha, Well, they didn't work for me, how did you come across that?

Actually being somewhat technologically retarded , I don't know how . Maybe you could do it Chris

Happy8888 wrote:

Actually being somewhat technologically retarded , I don't know how . Maybe you could do it Chris

ok

Corn Flakes Were Invented as Part of an Anti-Masturbation Crusade

In the 18th and 19th centuries, the Western world worked itself up into a mass hissy fit over the idea of people touching themselves. Judeo-Christian tradition had already been damning masturbation as a misuse of sexuality for ages, but Victorian era prudishness and the Great Awakening and other religious revivals in America created a perfect storm for people to really get obsessed with it.

Books like the anonymously authored Ononia: Or the Heinous Sin of Self-Pollution, and all its Frightful Consequences... and Samuel Tissot's Treatise on the Diseases Produced by Onanism [masturbation] laid the groundwork for medicalizing the solitary vice. Soon, masturbation was no longer just a moral failing, but also a physical and mental ailment that required treatment and cures.
Kellogg's Cures

Library of Congress

In the young United States, one of the most ardent anti-masturbaters was a Michigan physician named John Harvey Kellogg. The good doctor was a bit uncomfortable about sex, thinking it detrimental to physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. He personally abstained from it, and never consummated his marriage (and may have actually spent his honeymoon working on one of his anti-sex books). He and his wife kept separate bedrooms and adopted all of their children.

Sex with your wife was bad, but masturbation was even worse. If illicit commerce of the sexes is a heinous sin, Kellogg wrote, self-pollution is a crime doubly abominable. In Plain Facts for Old and Young: Embracing the Natural History and Hygiene of Organic Life, he cataloged 39 different symptoms of a person plagued by masturbation, including general infirmity, defective development, mood swings, fickleness, bashfulness, boldness, bad posture, stiff joints, fondness for spicy foods, acne, palpitations, and epilepsy.

Kelloggs solution to all this suffering was a healthy diet. He thought that meat and certain flavorful or seasoned foods increased sexual desire, and that plainer food, especially cereals and nuts, could curb it. While working as the superintendent at Michigans Battle Creek Sanitarium, he hit upon a few different healthy eating ideas. Two became breakfast staples and one (thankfully) didnt.
It's All in the Diet

Early in his tenure at the sanitarium, Kellogg created a health treat for the patients that consisted of oatmeal and corn meal baked into biscuits and then ground into tiny pieces. He called it granula. This was maybe the worst name imaginable, since a very similar product with the exact same name was already being made and sold by James Caleb Jackson, another dietary reformer. Under the threat of a lawsuit, Kellogg changed the name of his creation to granola.

Another of Kelloggs dietary innovations, developed to ensure clean intestines, was an enema machine that ran water through the bowel and then followed it with a pint of yogurthalf delivered through the mouth and the other half through the anus. This one didn't really catch on.

Later, Kellogg developed a few different flaked grain breakfast cerealsincluding corn flakesas healthy, ready-to-eat anti-masturbatory morning meals. He partnered with his brother Will, the sanitariums bookkeeper, to make and sell them to the public. Will had less interest in dietary purity and more business sense than his brother, and worried that the products wouldnt sell as they were. He wanted to add sugar to the flakes to make them more palatable, but John wouldnt hear of it. Will eventually started selling the cereals through his own business, which became the Kellogg Company; the brothers continued to feud for decades after. Masturbators who enjoy cornflakes can probably attest that the sugar was a good idea, since Kellogg's cereal doesn't really have its intended effect.

While cereals and yogurt enemas might have kept most people in line, Kellogg also supported more extreme measures (read: stuff that would get your medical license revoked today and lead to many, many lawsuits) for people with particularly nasty masturbation habits. For boys, he suggested threading silver wire through the foreskin to prevent erections and cause irritation. For girls, he advocated, and sometimes employed, an application of carbolic acid to the clitoris to burn it and discourage touching it.
December 28, 2012 - 4:30am

Cheers , now I know why I don't eat them , they would ruin my sex life

Happy8888 wrote:

Cheers , now I know why I don't eat them , they would ruin my sex life

I eventually bought out the entire stock,  from one of the supermarkets here, ( hmm, maybe that's why they never stocked them, did they read up on them as well??? ), also they were imported from the Phils??? All I see around here is corn/maize crops now, (plus rice , of course ).

You bought the entire stock? Did you have a problem?

Happy8888 wrote:

You bought the entire stock? Did you have a problem?

What are you do you mean, buying the entire stock, ( the entire stock was 1 box a week for 4 weeks, obviously not big fans of cornflakes up here? ), or not being sexually active after?

Maybe rice is the go. Can you buy that where you live ?????

A man went to a urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral

Infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him.


However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk.

The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear.

So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant,  the man decided to go for it.


A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. 

In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring In his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful.

To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table,

grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.



  His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said

  'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my backside'.

When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British  ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour.

At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de  Gaulle:

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence  on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison? What are you most looking forward  to in these retirement years?"

"Hard penis! just hard penis!" replied Madame de Gaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table.
Everyone heard her answer...... and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said:
"Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, "happiness!'

Happy8888 wrote:

Maybe rice is the go. Can you buy that where you live ?????

Buy it???, I only need to walk 50 ms and I can roll in it ., it's still a bit green though.

Who wrote this ???? Oh for gods sake....how old fashioned to be thinking of this sh,...t

Now now, steady steady

Robyn1954 wrote:

Who wrote this ???? Oh for gods sake....how old fashioned to be thinking of this sh,...t

Hello!!!!!, they are jokes, ( to most of us  ), don't like it , don't come back.
And please edit your profile, " I like to think I am a fun light hearted person ", hahaha

Hi hi-hiji

Just another female kevin Chris

Took me a while to find a Kevin joke,

The Cow an Ant and an Old Fart

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"

The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"


/

/
















Why are you scrolling down?
It's your turn to say something.

You have insulted Kevin and hurt his feeling s. He is not a feeble cow , he is a mighty $50 water buffalo , and don't you forget it. Now I have to bloody well go and console him. Thanks Chris

Happy8888 wrote:

You have insulted Kevin and hurt his feeling s. He is not a feeble cow , he is a mighty $50 water buffalo , and don't you forget it. Now I have to bloody well go and console him. Thanks Chris

Sorry Pete, here tell him this joke, it might cheer him up.

A while back, I picked up a lovely date from her parents' home.

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Oysters. Lobster. Champagne . 

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a root tonight."

I said, "Would you care for dessert?

Ha ha , Kev said to tell you he thought that was buffalo shit .

.

Dating in the1960's

James and Annabella made a date.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Annabella's mother said as she welcomed James.

'Have a seat in the sitting room.
Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Tea?'

'Tea, please,' James said. Mum brought the tea.
'So, what are you and Annabella planning to do tonight?' she asked interestedly.

'Oh, probably go to the flicks and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the coffee bar, perhaps have a walk on the beach
afterwards.'

'Annabell  likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.

'Really?' James gasped, surprised to say the least.

'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked James, incredulously.

' Oh yes,' she said.

'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Phew! Well, thanks for the tip!' James said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.

A moment later, Annabella came downthe stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.

She greeted James.

'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Annabella burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mum!' she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen.
'The bloody dance is called the .... Twist!'

They are starting to head south

Happy8888 wrote:

They are starting to head south

Unfortunately that's what will happen when you try to keep them clean, and non offensive?

You will like this one Pete, and its about the truth, so shouldn't offend anyone?

Ever wonder what happens when you forget history or are nationally arrogant?

JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when De Gaulle decided to pull out of NATO. De Gaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded "Does that include those who are buried here?"

You could have heard a pin drop
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?'
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:
'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply Emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, They can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'

You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Royal Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the  U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, the English learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the British Admiral replied,
'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's, South Africans, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The Englishman said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. You English always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The English senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained,
''Well, when I came ashore at Gold Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."

You could have heard a pin drop.