Short jokes

Offensive to whom ? The frogs? Because they have no sense of humour whatsoever ?

Happy8888 wrote:

Offensive to whom ? The frogs? Because they have no sense of humour whatsoever ?

'France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.  France has usually been governed by prostitutes.'
Mark Twain
------------------------------
'I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.'
General George S. Patton
------------------------------
'Going to war without  France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.'
Norman Schwartzkopf
------------------------------
'We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.'
Marge Simpson 
------------------------------
'As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure.'
Jacques Chirac, President of  France
------------------------------
The only time  France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.'
Regis Philbin
------------------------------
You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it.'
John McCain , U.S. Senator from Arizona
------------------------------
'The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag.'
David Letterman
------------------------------
Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in  Canada .'
Ted Nugent
------------------------------
War without  France would be like .. World War II.'   ( and WW1 ).
Unknown
------------------------------
The favorite bumper sticker in  Washington  D.C. right now is one that says 'First  Iraq , then France .''
Tom Brokaw
------------------------------
What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?'
Dennis Miller
------------------------------
'It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.'
Alan Kent

-----------------------------

'They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.'
Argus  Hamilton
------------------------------
'Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day --the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.''
Rep. Roy Blunt, MO
-----------------------------
'The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in  Iraq '
Dennis Miller
------------------------------
Q. What did the mayor of  Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?
A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?
-----------------------------
Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend  Paris ? It's not known, it's never been tried.'
Rep. R. Blount, MO
------------------------------
'Do you know it only took  Germany three days to conquer  France in WWII? And that's because it was raining.'
John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv
------------------------------
The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the  London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in  France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed  France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.
------------------------------
French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
(AP), Paris , March 5, 2003
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris , caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

Touche, that should ruffle s few feathers. Chicken feathers that is !!!!

A man with  a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a
Xmas fancy  dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden
leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his
problem.  A  few days later he receives a parcel with a
note:

Dear  Sir,
Please find enclosed a  Pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald  head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate.  The  man is
offended that the outfit  emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint..  A week passes and he
receives another parcel and note:

Dear  Sir,
Sorry about the previous  parcel. Please find enclosed a
monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and
with your bald head you will really look the part.  The  man
is really incandescent with rage now, because the company
has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
attention to his bald head.  So he writes a really strong
letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small
parcel  from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear  Sir,
Please find enclosed a  tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of  Golden Syrup over your bald
head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse
and go as a toffee apple.

Happy8888 wrote:

Offensive to whom ? The frogs? Because they have no sense of humour whatsoever ?

Well, in that case we won't have to worry about offending them as they won't be interested in this thread???

A history lesson.
Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.  Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.  Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.  This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").


Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!  Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!  It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."



IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!


And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

Ha ha hi hi

   BRILLIANT !   

bluenz wrote:

Happy8888 wrote:

Offensive to whom ? The frogs? Because they have no sense of humour whatsoever ?

Well, in that case we won't have to worry about offending them as they won't be interested in this thread???

If they want to post jokes about Kiwi's/Aus/US , etc, I'll laugh along with them as well.

bluenz wrote:

bluenz wrote:

Happy8888 wrote:

Offensive to whom ? The frogs? Because they have no sense of humour whatsoever ?

Well, in that case we won't have to worry about offending them as they won't be interested in this thread???

If they want to post jokes about Kiwi's/Aus/US , etc, I'll laugh along with them as well.

UMMMM - well there's always the one about K1W1's, gumboots and sheep.   But I won't post it because it's almost older than time itself and weaker than Kiwi's/Aussie/US politicians ! 

Flip465 wrote:

bluenz wrote:

bluenz wrote:

Well, in that case we won't have to worry about offending them as they won't be interested in this thread???

If they want to post jokes about Kiwi's/Aus/US , etc, I'll laugh along with them as well.

UMMMM - well there's always the one about K1W1's, gumboots and sheep.   But I won't post it because it's almost older than time itself and weaker than Kiwi's/Aussie/US politicians ! 

When Aussies asked me why I wanted to live in Aus, I would reply because Aus has heaps more sheep,      but Kiwi sheep are much better looking.

bluenz wrote:

Flip465 wrote:

bluenz wrote:

If they want to post jokes about Kiwi's/Aus/US , etc, I'll laugh along with them as well.

UMMMM - well there's always the one about K1W1's, gumboots and sheep.   But I won't post it because it's almost older than time itself and weaker than Kiwi's/Aussie/US politicians ! 

When Aussies asked me why I wanted to live in Aus, I would reply because Aus has heaps more sheep,      but Kiwi sheep are much better looking.

Are they ??? Really ???     Tried to explain that joke to my wife years ago while we where video talking on SKYPE to a mate of mine who moved back from Australia to New Zealand.  Never could get my wife to understand what was funny about it. She just said we where both very weird. Asked if all K1W1's & Aussies where just as deranged.

Well yes I think we are a bit deranged in our own cute way . Keeps us sane !!!

Happy8888 wrote:

Well yes I think we are a bit deranged in our own cute way . Keeps us sane !!!

SANITY ???  WHO NEED IT ?     
( I ride a motorbike daily everywhere through and around Sai Gon - that should tell you something about my mental state )

I like playing in my own little world.   It's safer in here - and I always get the answers I like from any questions I ask. 

Great Frog jokes. The sad thing is that many Americans take them for literal truth. Patton was a great admirer of the French, and paid his own way to the French Cavalry School on a leave of absence to study the art of the saber. More than that, the Free French 2nd Armored Division was a part of Patton's Third Army during its initial campaigns in Europe, and was highly regarded by Patton.

But, one only has to meet their typical surly (is there any other kind?) waiter or bartender in Paris to develop a lifelong distaste for certain segments of French society, and a gleeful appreciation of Frog jokes.

The Cornflakes lesson cracked me up and feel I have to pass on this short masturbatory yarn.
I was watching QI on the TV last night and Steven Fry brought up the story of a teenager who was having a quiet wank in his bedroom with his eyes closed and after he had finished he opened his eyes to discover to his horror a freshly made cup of tea on the table in front of him that his dear mother had delivered to his room while he was otherwise occupied in other activities. He was mortified. Mothers can be so silent at times..

lirelou wrote:

Great Frog jokes. The sad thing is that many Americans take them for literal truth. Patton was a great admirer of the French, and paid his own way to the French Cavalry School on a leave of absence to study the art of the saber. More than that, the Free French 2nd Armored Division was a part of Patton's Third Army during its initial campaigns in Europe, and was highly regarded by Patton.

But, one only has to meet their typical surly (is there any other kind?) waiter or bartender in Paris to develop a lifelong distaste for certain segments of French society, and a gleeful appreciation of Frog jokes.

Have you seen the Comedy show called " Allo, Allo ', very funny.
The French Foreign Legion had a fearful reputation, but I think not from the actual French soldiers, but from the scum/cut throats they kidnapped, or gang pressed into service, but imagine going into a battle with 2 enemies, one in front of you , and the other behind, or beside you?
But ask any Afghan/Iraqi Vet , and he will tell you the same.

Lets see who else we can upset?

You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of a coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

The Husband Store:
\A new store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: 

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, however you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on  the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs...

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: 

Floor 2 -  These men Have Jobs and Like Children...

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 -  These men Have Good Jobs, Love Children, and are Extremely Good Looking...

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 -  These men Have Very Good Jobs, Love Children, are Extremely Good Looking and Help With Most Housework...

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' 

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 -  These men Have Exceptional Jobs that pay them very well, they Love Children, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with all the Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak, and they are 100% Faithful. 

She is so  tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign  reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 18,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This  floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you  for shopping at the Husband Store. Please Exit to the right to make room for more unreasonable shoppers.


(scroll down and  keep reading!)

PLEASE  NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. Similar instructions are posted at the entrance of this store as well.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have their own money and like beer.

The  third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

I hate double standards.
                         
Some girl gets a vibrator and it's seen as a bit of naughty fun, but when I ordered my 240Volt Fuck-Master Pro5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed revolving pussy, elasticized anus and breast nipple discharge, non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream sound system, I'm apparently a dirty fucking pervert!

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.  She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.  You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

       

        She quietly called him over to her.
        'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
        Trembling, he did as she directed.
        'Now take off my boots.'
        He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
        'Now take off my socks.'
        He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
        'Now take off my skirt'
        He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
        'Now take off my bra.'

        Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

A gay guy decides to get a tattoo on his buttocks.
On arrival at the tattooist he spots a picture of Mohammed Ali.
Oh! He's my favourite darling. Can you do him on the cheek of my arse ?

So it was done.

On the way out of the store he spotted another picture on the wall, this time Mike Tyson.
'Oh, good lord he blurted out. I just adore Iron Mike, can you do him on the other cheek ?

So it was done.

On returning home, his boyfriend says, 'well, drop your trousers, give us a look.
He dropped his pants and showed his arse.
His boyfriend gasped and replied, I think our relationship is over !
I sure as hell ain't getting in the ring with those two.

Jeff Brewster wrote:

Angela Merkal arrives in Greece. At the airport the customs officer asks,  Nationality ?,
" German ", she replies   .
  "Occupation?"
" No, only here for a few days "      ,,

Jeff Brewster wrote:

    I defrosted the freezer last night, or foreplay as my wife calls it.

    I woke up last night to have a pee, and out of the window i saw a Muslim in the next doors garden. I went outside and my neighbour smashed him on the head with a shovel. Killed him stone dead. Then he dug a grave and buried him. Then I went back to bed. The wife said to me, your shaking is every thing alright darling. No, its not I said, that tosser next door has still got my shovel.

Happy8888 wrote:

They are starting to head south

The South

             Alabama

        A group of  Alabama  friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.  That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.
        "Henry had a stroke of some kind.  He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
        "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
        "A tough call," nodded the hunter.  "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

         

            Georgia

        The owner of a golf course in  Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.  He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the  University  of  Georgia and I need some help.  If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
        The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

     

    Louisiana

    A senior at  Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in  Louisiana . "When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in  Louisiana  because everything happens in Louisiana  20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."

     

   Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina

NEWS FLASH! - North Carolina 's worst air disaster occurred!  When a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of North Carolina students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today.  Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

South Carolina

A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.  Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back.  He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back.  I never did understand it neither."

    Tennessee

A  Tennessee   State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.  The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

   Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch?  Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep", he replied.  "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says:  'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."



You can say what you want about the South,
But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.

bluenz wrote:

Lets see who else we can upset?

You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of a coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

F**king hilarious... nearly spilt my vodka reading this one!!!!

Here is a video version along similar lines.
Are you a Real Cowboy?
Video Link

Are you the manager?
Video Link

For you Citsym


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.


The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous On the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.


At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.


He proceeded to talk up a storm.


Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note
on the door:



1) Sip
the vodka, don't gulp.




2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.




3) There
are 12 disciples, not 10.




4) Jesus
was consecrated, not constipated.



5) Jacob
wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.



6) We
do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.




7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior and the spooky.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.


9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.


10)We do Not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'


11)W hen Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'take this
and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say ' Eat me'


12)The Virgin Mary is not called ' Mary with the Cherry'.


13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for the grub, Yeah God.

Hanky told Panky to pull a  prank  on Lanky ...so Panky had her friend Lanky belive that Hanky  would  give him five green rolly pollies. .Lanky  did not know this was  a prank!  Five months went by as  Lanky waited for his five green rolly pollies  like Hanky had promised.. Lanky soon knew it was only a prank ....a spanking is cranking its way up Hanky and Panky with a hanky in a stinking cell!

peterpipercorn wrote:

Hanky told Panky to pull a  prank  on Lanky ...so Panky had her friend Lanky belive that Hanky  would  give him five green rolly pollies. .Lanky  did not know this was  a prank!  Five months went by as  Lanky waited for his five green rolly pollies  like Hanky had promised.. Lanky soon knew it was only a prank ....a spanking is cranking its way up Hanky and Panky with a hanky in a stinking cell!

Go get him Lanky!!!!.

Politically (in)correct in Australia

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a Sheila called Penny  spooky or what?

I'm about to take part in the Great Bankstown Run. It's not an official race, You just stand in the city centre & shout "Allah is a Fuckwit" & then off we go.....


A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can get back to seeing their own doctor.
 
I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call no 69

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . .. .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The BNP School of Diving said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.

Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $10.50/min (charges may vary).
Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker..

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him Bankstown.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 1 minute and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly

Eddie McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Aussie rules and is suitably impressed
and arranges for him to come over to Collingwood.
He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the pre-season.

Two weeks later the magpies are down by 6 goals to Carlton with only 10 minutes left.
The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in.
The kid is a sensation - kicks 7 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the magpies!
The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media are in love with the new star.
When he comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about his first day of AFL.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says, 'I played for 10 minutes today, we were 6 goals down, but I kicked 7
goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media...'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed,
your sister and I were ambushed and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while
you were having such great time.'

The young Iraqi is very upset. 'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry.'

'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we moved to Collingwood in the first place!'

Shower Sex

In a recent survey, Australian aborigine males have
proved to be the most likely to have had sex
In the shower!  In the survey, carried out by a
leading toiletries firm, a huge majority, 86%,
of Aborigine males, said that they have had
Sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

Aussie Cricket'

What do you call an Aussie with a bottle of Champagne? 
A waiter. 

What do you call a world-class Australian cricketer?
Retired.

What do you call an Australian who can hold a catch?
A fisherman. 

Why can no-one drink wine in Australia at the moment?
They haven't got any openers.

What is the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies?
Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

What  does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with  Michael Jackson?
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone on the Australian cricket team?
The woman who irons their cricket whites. 

What's the height of optimism?
An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen. 

What do you call a cricket field full of Australians?
A vacant lot. 

What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both   

What's the difference between Michael Clarke and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes             

The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting. 
They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!

Fluck
An Asian woman goes in to her local NAB Branch and begins exchanging her money.
After the transaction is complete she asks the teller 'Why it change, yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money, today I only get hunat eighty?'
The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly....'fluctuations'.
The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says, 'fluck you Aussies too'

FARMING IN AUSTRALIA

                         A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

                           The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

He"s back

Thinking of you Jeff .   keep on eye on those goats.



I've always been a student of history but I didn't know this.

In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Don't thank me-----I do this as a public service for the advancement of education.

Dear Dad

MAIL FROM AN ARAB STUDENT TO HIS DAD
Dear Dad

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really
like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive
at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB
when all my teachers and many fellow students
travel by train.

Your son, Nasser

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail
My dear loving son

Twenty million dollars from American and Canadian gas pumps has just been transferred
to your account. Please stop embarrassing us.
Go and get yourself a train too.
Love, your Dad