Short jokes

Congratulations

(moderated)

You getting Alzheimer's?

Robyn1954 wrote:

Congratulations

Thank you it was fun while it lasted, come again soon.

Happy8888 wrote:

You getting Alzheimer's?

No being a typical women, she wants to have the last word/s.

Yes yes please do , I might get bored otherwise

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

Somehow I ended up with a french person on my Facebook who posted a comment today saying "don't disturb me , I'm watching the world cup" To which I replied . "I wouldn't worry about that , your french , your already disturbed" . He didn't see the humour in that and called me a "fozie tanker" which I can only assume is an "Aussie W#nker" . Thank god for the french , you gotta love them

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.

Q: What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common?
A: They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns

Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
A: They like the part where the prostitute gives the money back

Tutenkamen wrote:

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

Now if that little boy was from Tasmania, Santa would have known his mother was really his sister..

Nice to see we are back on track now that Robyn had a dummy spit and chucked the to well in.Such language, tsk tsk tsk

Wave to the  people said,Uncle Joe. Wave your right to  to speak  out loud ! Wave. Your way  to victory !  Wave to the  suckers who suckup lies. Wave to the deciever who  waves  to the global soul!

Waive your right to speak out

Then waive for your right to speak out!  Speak out to  the  deciever who  uses the global!

And what may I and everyone else ask is "the global"

Gullible is the  correct Word....and to think I was gullible in to beliving that   global  was the Word gullible.!

Your a nutcase

Monty Kelly, a rich man who lived near Darwin, Northern Territory, Australia decided that he wanted to throw a party.  So he invited his buddies including Darel, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

The party was held around the pool in the backyard of Monty's mansion.  Everyone was having a good time dancing, eating prawns, oysters and  drinking and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 16ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.' Aussie Crocodile Story

The words were barely out of Monty's mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Darel in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and choke holds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Darel and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Darel strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Darel then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.  The Monty says, 'Well, Darel, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Darel.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about a new car?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Darel.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Rolex watch and some stock options?  Again, Darel said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Darel, then what do you want?

Darel said, 'I just want the b****** who pushed me in.'

What's the difference between an Australian and a computer?  You only have to punch information into a computer once.
>>>>
What do you call a field full of Australians?  A vacant lot.
>>>>
An Australian is someone who thinks that the three major political parties in Australia are Labour, Liberal and Cocktail.

Last Tuesday  Foreign Minster Carr got off the plane at Sydney airport, returning from his first visit to the US - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The customs officer said "I'm sorry Mr Carr, it is not permitted to bring pigs into the country without quarantine certification.
Carr replied: "These are not pigs.  These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Prime Minister Gillard, and  one for Treasurer Swan.

The Customs Officer snapped to attention, saluted and said, "Excellent trade, Sir."

I was listening to the radio this morning when the host invited callers to reveal the

nick-names they had for their wives.

The best call was from a brave chap who called his wife "Harvey Norman"

The Host asked him why that name?

He replied, "Absolutely no interest for 36 months."


( Harvey Norman is a big retailer in Aus/NZ )

On  a bitterly cold morning in Canberra, Kevvy is being chauffeured  to
   Parliament House.  It  is so cold, Lake Burley Griffin has frozen over.

   As  he jumps out of the Caprice, Kevvy looks over the Lake & notices
that
   someone has "peed" on the ice & left a  message............"KEVVY
SUCKS".

   Kevvy  is enraged & orders ASIO to investigate with "no expenses
spared" &
   to report within two  weeks.

   Two  weeks later, the head of ASIO reports to the PM & says...."our
   investigation is over & I have three pieces of news for  you....good
news, bad news & terribly bad shocking  news".

   Well  says Kevvy, give me the good news. The head of ASIO says..."We
spent
   $5 million dollars on the investigation & have come to a  successful
   result".

   Well  says Kevvy what's the bad news?
   The  head of ASIO says "The DNA testing shows the urine is Wayne
Swann's".
   Kevvy is shocked beyond  belief.

   Looking pale, Kevvy says" & what is the terribly bad shocking news?"
   The ASIO chief replies...." It's Julia Gillard's hand writing".

How tough are Australian men??

The scene is set

- a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire,
One from Australia , one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.

Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng  glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and  scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'

Hansie from Seth Efrika (who typically can't stand to be bettered) said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'

Colin, the Tough Australian, remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

Classic

A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. The store clerk asks the man, "What do you do with all of those?"
The guy replies, "I taught my dog to swallow them and now he poops in little plastic baggies!"
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A man received the following text message from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Charlie. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn smartphone autocorrect. I meant WiFi not wife.
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A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."
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NUN type, but ocasionally the vacation type

A man walks into a whorehouse looking for a little action and he goes up to the house owner and asks,Hey, can I get a piece from one of your fine ladies you've got here? Sorry sir, the owner responds, but, we're all full. Aw, please I really need some poon tang! And the owner awnswers, Well, there is one girl left but when you go meet her you have to wear this black condom. Whatever, the man answers quickly and races upstairs.
A few hours later the man comes down and says ''Wow, that was great. She didn't even make any noise. But why did I have to wear the black condom? And the owner answers, Respect for the dead.

Doc, says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on Earth for?"

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time. If you don't do it, I'll just go to another doctor."

"OK, but it's against my better judgment."

Steve has his operation. The next day he walks down the hospital corridor very slowly, legs apart, with his drip stand. Heading toward him is another patient walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Yeah," says the patient, "I finally decided I'd like to be circumcised."

Steve's eyes widen in horror, "Oh no! That was the word!"

A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers. After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''

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A young man gets sent to jail, and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk.
"Let's play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quickly, the man says "Daddy."
"Then come up here and suck Mommy's d**k."
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Condom Brands
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
McDonalds Condom: One Billion Served.
Energizer Condom: It keeps going and going and going...
Bandai Condoms: Action Satisfaction.
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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!

I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!

If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both! she replied.

He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, h e tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude? one asked.

Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. It feels so wonderfully free!

Another runner moved a long side. Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?

Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, Do you always wear a condom when you run?
Nope...just when it's raining.

Here they come, I'll make my apologies now, ( to Blondes , who maybe offended, ( is that possible? ) and to the quality that will definitely drop. ( but made up for by the sheer volume of Blonde jokes available )

Blonde with Chickens
A blonde is walking down the street and a car pulled up next to her.
The man in the car says to her, ''What do you have in the bag?''
The blonde replies: ''I have chickens!''
The man thinks for a moment and says, ''If I can guess how many chickens you have in the bag, can I have one?''
The blonde thinks that it sounds fair and replies, ''Okay, but I'll make the bet even better! If you can guess how many chickens I have in the bag I will give you BOTH of them!"

Back seat blonde
A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

"No!" yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

Comfortable
Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly."

Q: Why did the blonde have trouble in the ladies' room?
A: She is not used to pulling her own pants down.

Q: What does a blonde do if she's not in bed by 10 p.m.?
A: She goes home.

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college?
"Would you like fries with that?"

What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
Not everyone's been in a 747!

Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven.

Why was the Blonde's bellybutton bruised?
Her husband was a blonde too!

What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts?
Silicon Valley.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben was only a clock.

Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel!

A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis."
The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."

Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator?
A: She couldn't find the 10 key.

How did the blonde die raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree!

Why don't blondes eat bananas?
They can't find the zipper.

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, 'cause she's got a grenade in her mouth!

Q: Why did the blonde become a big basketball fan?
A: Because every time they stopped the clock, she thought she stopped aging.

Why does a blond dog have lumps on his head?
From chasing parked cars!

What did the blonde say when someone blew in her ear?
Thanks for the refill.

A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

Why don't blondes like to breastfeed their babies?
It hurts to boil their nipples!

Brunette: I was born by C-section.
Blonde: I was born by the vagina section.

What do you call 24 blondes in a box?
A case of empties!

Q: How do you make a blonde's brain the size of a pea?
A: Inflate it.

How do blondes' braincells die?
Alone.

How do you know when a blonde has a brain fart?
Her ears flap.

What do you call a blond with two brain cells? ''PREGNANT''

Q: Why does the blonde throw breadcrumbs in the toilet every morning?
A: To feed the toilet duck.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick wall?
A: A brick wall's only been laid once.

What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
A Translator.

What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A mental block.

Q: What happened when a blonde missed the Q44 bus?
A: She took the Q22 twice.

What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde ?
The Bucket seats.

Q: What does a blonde do when it gets cold?
A: Sits around a candle

Q: What does she do when it gets really cold?
A: Lights it

Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off the soda's bottle cap and putting it back on?
A: Because it said, "Sorry, try again."

Q: What is long and hard to a blonde?
A: Fourth grade.

What do you call a pimple on a blonde's butt?
A brain tumor.

I'm a blonde! I'm a blonde, yay!!! B-L-O...? I'm a blonde, yay!

Q: Why is it OK for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

Q: A blonde and a brunette jumped off a cliff. Who hit bottom first?
A: The brunette -- the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

Why don't blondes get coffee breaks at work?
Because retraining costs too much!

Why's the blonde's coffin shaped like a Y?
Cuz every time she lies on her back, her legs spread!

Q: How can you tell a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out all over the screen.

Q: How are blondes and computers similar?
A: You never appreciate them until they go down on you.

Q: How does a blonde turn on the air conditioner after sex?
A: She turns the ignition key.

What do blondes call condoms?
Doggie Bags

How do you confuse a blonde?
Tell her a blonde joke.

A blonde is driving home and she gets caught in a really bad hailstorm.
>
> > > > The hail is as big as tennis balls, and she ends up with her car
>
> > > > covered with large dents. So the next day she takes her car to the
>
> > > > repair shop.
>
> > > >
>
> > > > The shop owner, seeing she is blonde, decides to have a little fun. He
>
> > > > tells her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe, really hard, and
>
> > > > all the dents will just pop out.
>
> > > >
>
> > > > The blonde drives home, gets out of the car, gets down on her hands and
>
> > > > knees and starts blowing into the tail pipe. Nothing happened. So she
>
> > > > blew a little harder, and still nothing happens.
>
> > > >
>
> > > > Meanwhile, her roommate, also a blonde, comes home and asks,"What in
>
> > > > the
>
> > > > world are you doing?"
>
> > > >
>
> > > > The blonde car owner tells her how the repairman had instructed her to
>
> > > > blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the hail dents to pop out.
>
> > > >
>
> > > > Her blonde roommate rolls her eyes and says, "Hell-OOOO! Don't you
>
> > > > think you should roll up the windows first?

There's 1 redhead 1 brunette and 1 blonde. Their all at the NASA space center. The redhead says to the flight technician "I want to go to the moon". The flight technician says she can go tomorrow. The brunette says "I want to go to Mars". He says she can go next week. The blonde says "I want to go to the sun". The flight technician says, "Don't you know you'll burn up?" The blonde says "Well then I'll go at night."
________________________________________
A beautiful blonde lady stepped onto a plane going to L.A. and sat down in first class. The flight attendant proceeded to go around the airplane checking the ticket stubs of each passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats. When she got to the Blonde woman she noticed that it was for Coach seating, not first class. She tells the woman, "You're ticket says coach maam and we have a full flight today. I'm going to have to ask you to move." To which the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Confused, the stewardess gets her supervisor. Again, she tells the woman that she must move. Again, the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Also confused, they go get the captain. He tells the woman that she must move. The blonde starts to say, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful..." when he interrupts and asks, "Can I whisper something in your ear?" "Sure" she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear. Suddenly she gets up and goes back to coach seating with a look of surprise on her face. The flight attendants are startled. "How did you get her to move?" "I told her that first class wasn't going to L.A."
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A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you hurt all over?" The blonde says, "I'll show you."

She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?" The blonde says "Yes, why?"

The doctor says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."
________________________________________
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.

"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued,
"and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
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A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of
them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and
again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.
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A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."
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A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."
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A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. When she arrives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape into the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static." "Sorry about, that," replied the store clerk. "We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"
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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?" "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail."
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A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies......................"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" Finally, a smart blonde.
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There was a married blonde who was very concerned about her stupidity to her husband, so she decides to make it up to him by painting the house while he's at work.

When her husband came home, the house was suspiciously green and smelled like paint, so he went to her wife to see what's going on. When he went in the bedroom, she was still painting while she was wearing a ski jacket over a leather jacket. The husband said "I like what you did to the house, but why are you wearing a ski jacket over a leather jacket?" The blonde responds "When I was reading the instructions on the can, it said 'FOR BEST RESULTS, USE TWO COATS!'"
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There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head that was going on vacation to a native island. The brunette brought a portable fridge with her. The red-head asked her "Why are you carrying a fridge with you?" The brunette replies "To keep all of our food in." The red-head is carrying a shotgun with her. The brunette asks "Why do you have that shotgun?" The red-head says "Just in case we run out of food, we can kill something to eat." The blonde is carrying their car door with her. They both ask the blonde "Why are you carrying our car door?" The blonde says "Just in case it gets too hot, I can roll the window down."
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As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a service station.  She tells the mechanic it died.   
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.   
She says, 'What's the story?'   
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburettor'   
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her licence. 
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my licence and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk.  She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'   
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
'You  ARE on the other side.'



KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.  Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!   
    Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what?  We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot!  You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know.  We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.  It was her turn.  She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.  Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO,' answered the blond.  'They're watch dogs!'

Back seat blonde
A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"
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Actually had that - her exactly the same words - happen to me in Perth (parked and making out in Kings Park) when I was much younger and single !   
Long soft blonde hair, really beautiful looking, great figure  - - - and a total air-head ! 
NOT JOKING !  And that front seat was cramped and uncomfortable as well !   

"  And that front seat was cramped and uncomfortable as well !  "
that's why VN's prefer motorbikes?

Happy8888 wrote:

You have insulted Kevin and hurt his feeling s. He is not a feeble cow , he is a mighty $50 water buffalo , and don't you forget it. Now I have to bloody well go and console him. Thanks Chris

here you are Pete, one for Kevin.

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
And the Indian replies, "Ear sticky".

Ha ha well done , Kev will enjoy that , I'm sure

Motorbike ??? NO !   You can over balance and the whole thing fall over too easily.   

A nice, firm but comfortable, queen sized double bed in an air conditioned bedroom with an ensuite bathroom.