How much to pay in-laws?

Bazza139 wrote:

Too late, pal.   It was never about the money.   Fame, trust, integrity...   ..the stuff that really matters...

..but we are fortunate to have learnt from the Master...                                 

So you will do the marketing and all that is necessary to bring my writing to preeminence for free and even to the point that it gets turned into a movie spectacular earning me millions? WOW!

You truly are a friend (mug).

Shall we sign the contract on Saturday at the Caravel hotel, say 9 PM (2100 hours)? Margaret please attend if you are sober.

Well, I didn't want to bring up the question of (your?) sobriety.   Especially after examining the (full?) content of your previous posts...   ..pun intended...

Sadly (for me!) any form of alcohol only makes me nauseous.  I learnt a lot about life during my army service too.   Carrying them home from the pubs, dumping them on their beds,  (then having to shower to get rid of the vomit),  lending cash (which was never repaid)   Looking after my (mates?) taught me much I would prefer not to remember...

..but getting back to the movie rights..?    I'm equally certain it WILL happen.   Your book is the precursor, so the only question is when.  (Sigh!)   We are all waiting...

..and yes, the headhunters are looking at your posts as we speak, so expect an offer at any time.   Your creative mode of writing speaks for itself, so forget millions.  Think squillions.     Forget me.  I'm already in strife for getting away from the threads far too often on your behalf.

Every cat is a Tiger in its own path.   Yours is already preset.    Lazy bugger.

Bazza139 wrote:

Well, I didn't want to bring up the question of (your?) sobriety.   Especially after examining the (full?) content of your previous posts...   ..pun intended...

Sadly (for me!) any form of alcohol only makes me nauseous.  I learnt a lot about life during my army service too.   Carrying them home from the pubs, dumping them on their beds,  (then having to shower to get rid of the vomit),  lending cash (which was never repaid)   Looking after my (mates?) taught me much I would prefer not to remember...

..but getting back to the movie rights..?    I'm equally certain it WILL happen.   Your book is the precursor, so the only question is when.  (Sigh!)   We are all waiting...

..and yes, the headhunters are looking at your posts as we speak, so expect an offer at any time.   Your creative mode of writing speaks for itself, so forget millions.  Think squillions.     Forget me.  I'm already in strife for getting away from the threads far too often on your behalf.

Every cat is a Tiger in its own path.   Yours is already preset.    Lazy bugger.

I wasn't referring to you when I used the name Margaret. Don't be so sensitive. You can drink squash or sanatogen (google is your friend). There is much to do, no time to waste! Tonight is the night, then (after shopping at Bicsee D7, see you at the cheese counter. Bring a friend.

Bazza139 wrote:

Too late, pal.   It was never about the money.   Fame, trust, integrity...   ..the stuff that really matters...

..but we are fortunate to have learnt from the Master...                                 

Pal? Pal? You can forget the Pal stuff after the wallnut episode, Mate!

Vagabondone wrote:

I do understand it is customary here for daughters, not sure about sons, to provide in their parents later years.

You have this backwards. Traditionally, it is the son's obligation to provide for his parents. The daughter must support and care for her husband's family.

Best of luck!

And there you have it.

Vagabondone wrote:

My original post only had the intent of trying to ascertain how much other expats are paying to family or how much they have been expected to pay. My original thinking was that $300 was fair. I am not in it to make in-laws rich. But I do understand it is customary here for daughters, not sure about sons, to provide in their parents later years. Which I think is a noble thing, That is when kept within reason.

As a Vietnamese child, I just want to confirm you that there is no customary for Vietnamese daughters to "pay" their parents. It is great if the married girl visiting her parents frequently and bring gifts to them, but not pay them monthly.

In case of living together, also no. The mother will take care of the home and the baby(es) free, as she is the best person to take care of her daughter and grandchildren and she would love to do that.

Maybe since you are a foreigner, thing will be different that I have not enough experience to talk about. Just want to clarify about the customary mentioned above from a Vietnamese's view.

you are right, no customary for Vietnamese daughters to pay their parents. With my opinion, I think The daughter want to do that for their parents because they don't want their parents much hard, they get older but still have to work hard. Parents losted all time, tear, happyness, youngth,... for take care children. Now parent is older and daughter want take care them with all they did for chidrent... It like " Thank you papa and mama". SO althought it not customary. But we are should to do anything we are can. If have money send them money, not have money is keep time with them,...anything can help them have cool life with all they did for we are.
So each people will have a idear to help and take care their parents.

I pay nothing...

A mother in-law with Government pension!  Yes of course she wanted you money. She was most likely used to get other peoples money for nothing during her working life -

youngman wrote:

A mother in-law with Government pension!  Yes of course she wanted you money. She was most likely used to get other peoples money for nothing during her working life -

I found this offensive. My mother was teaching wholeheartedly for around 30 years to have her Government's pension every month now which she deserved. Don't talk that way.

xinh loi

VanKhanh Ho wrote:

youngman wrote:

A mother in-law with Government pension!  Yes of course she wanted you money. She was most likely used to get other peoples money for nothing during her working life -

I found this offensive. My mother was teaching wholeheartedly for around 30 years to have her Government's pension every month now which she deserved. Don't talk that way.

Oh no, VanKhanh Ho. Youngman was making a comment about the Original Poster's mother-in-law, Vagabondone's mother-in-law. This very long thread is all about her, NOT your mother!

1

We give the mother $300 a month and she pays the electric and internet for her brother and family next door. 3 months ago she asked WHERE'S MY MONEY I let her know right then I give you money because I want to NOT because I have to. If your mother in law doesn't need the money and puts it into saving hey you need it so you keep it.

gobot wrote:

VanKhanh Ho wrote:

youngman wrote:

A mother in-law with Government pension!  Yes of course she wanted you money. She was most likely used to get other peoples money for nothing during her working life -

I found this offensive. My mother was teaching wholeheartedly for around 30 years to have her Government's pension every month now which she deserved. Don't talk that way.

Oh no, VanKhanh Ho. Youngman was making a comment about the Original Poster's mother-in-law, Vagabondone's mother-in-law. This very long thread is all about her, NOT your mother!

I know that he is talking about the mother in law of the topic's owner, but he also implied that all people who worked for Government were taking bad money from others in their work life, that why I reacted that way. Anyway, sorry for off topic too far.

youngman wrote:

xinh loi

Nice xin loi Thanks

Well put!!!

@ Vagabondone, Excuse me for being blunt mate but are you a total mug?? You are being scammed dude, get the hell away form this toxic woman and her family. If you earn that much to be able to give that kind of money away then obviously you are not a complete fool so for your own sake, stop thinking with your Johnson and use your brain!! I am not even in Vietnam yet but have enough common sense to not to fall for that crap. I have dated a Vietnamese girl before and she never asked for a penny or present or anything from me. Too bad I was too young n stupid to realise what a great girl I had then but that's another story!  Do yourself a favour mate, get rid of them and never get married without a pre-N up if you worth a few bucks!!!

I pay mine nothing and I discussed this with my wife prior to marriage and we agreed that I would pay her mom and she in turn would have to take care of mine. Therefore we agreed on nothing. I suggest all the rest of you who marry a Local girl to stop this practice and pay nothing

With all due respect, any one can pretend to love and care if they are being spoon fed.  I have been married for three years to my Vietnamese wife and we have a two year old daughter and not once has she asked me for one dollar.  Her mother has been in hospital for 8 months and my wife does whatever it takes to cover the hospital costs.

People need to open their eyes and be suspicious from the onset if anyone asks for money.
Good luck!!

I help because in 3 months my Vietnamese wife will graduate from Pharmacy school here in the states. She will then take care of her mother and help out with bills around the house. HA there's a Vietnamese Princess everywhere you look but a smart one is hard to fine

my old girlfriend told me after 12 months that if I did not support her she would have no more time for me ! is that normal here ? I told her that that would never happen in my country. she said normal for Vietnamese women to be like this. I told her love had nothing to do with financial support. She looked at me like I was from another planet. I'd be interested to hear some thoughts on this from Vietnamese women...

panda7 wrote:

my old girlfriend told me after 12 months that if I did not support her she would have no more time for me ! is that normal here ? I told her that that would never happen in my country. she said normal for Vietnamese women to be like this. I told her love had nothing to do with financial support. She looked at me like I was from another planet. I'd be interested to hear some thoughts on this from Vietnamese women...

Not all men are from Mar(ogyny) nor are all women from Venu(etnam) 
Insert the 's's where you wish...    I'll discuss Sex & Security later...

   Still, on this Planet, we (mostly) support each other in the trinity of physical, emotional, spiritual sides.       The store that sells husbands explains why women always want more and the one which sells wives explains (very) clearly the male perspective...   

  Go Ogle to read the joke.   Love never enters the equation.

  ..and you (carefully?) neglect to provide what sort of 'support' you are already 'giving'.    Sorry, but there are always two sides to all these stories...    ..but assuming you are a sincere, genuine, caring sort of guy, then reading 'Money Number One'  (Neil Hutchinson)  will curl your toes with fear.   Banned in Thailand and the Philippines for the potential damage it could do to the tourist industry...

  Bluntly, men see the sex, women see the security.   Then the rot sets in.   Unless you have been fortunate enough to have found someone who (genuinely) cares about you; proven in time and actions, not words...

Read the previous posts by Matt and James to see how it works.   Reality bites.    Very hard.

     Most of us are Romantic.   Romantic fools reap the harvest of the seeds they have sown...

panda7 wrote:

my old girlfriend told me after 12 months that if I did not support her she would have no more time for me ! is that normal here ? I told her that that would never happen in my country. she said normal for Vietnamese women to be like this. I told her love had nothing to do with financial support. She looked at me like I was from another planet. I'd be interested to hear some thoughts on this from Vietnamese women...

In traditional Vietnamese family, the husband will give all (I mean ALL) his salary to his wife, then the wife give him back little for his daily use. Although in modern family things changed quite a lot but maybe that is still a cultural issue that the girl hope her (to be) husband to support her financially.

It is also a regional different. For example most women in West region (compare to HCMCity) expect her husband to in-charge the family's finan 100% after married, and they will just be housewife. The farther to the North, the stronger desire of Viet women to control her husband's wallet...etc... (my personal thought).
 
Anyway there are definitely cultural differences between Viet girls and their foreign's bf on this financial kind of thing. Not just simply they are all gold-diggers.

I suggest that you all keep your mind clear (from pre-judgment), talk straightly to your gf/ spouse about what you think it should be, listen to her and decide what to believe in. On a forum we do not know every aspects of your relationship to tell what is right.

In your case, she maybe is a gold-digger, or maybe she was really considering you as her husband that should support her financially. Who knows?

I married my wife in Vietnam during the war years while I served with US Army doing 4 years there and  never was asked to contribute money to mom & dad. Guess I really did marry the right kind of girl. We have been married 44 years and live in the states. Parents finally passed on after reaching their 90's a few yrs ago. We give family members what we wish and whenever we wish. No, they don't get all they ask for altho some never have asked. We have great in-laws generally. A wife working so much that you never see her? Hmmm. I would be asking what she does with her time and that includes chasing around on her part. If the question is how much to pay parents is raised, a Red Flag is posted right off in my book. Wife's family were farmer stock and I prefer that type to those in the city who are more prone to look for the bank.
Never had qualms in giving money to my wife's parents and did so, including building them a house. I never asked for anything in return and took pride in being able to help the parents whenever they needed it esp after the war. I married into a fine upstanding family who altho apprehensive at the war time still embraced us. I couldn't have asked for a better set in in-law parents. They were hard working farmer folk while I came from a city. Her father fought the Viet Minh in the French army until 1954 and remained staunchly anti-communist his whole life. They were poor but happy people and appreciative of my efforts without holding their hands out for cash. God Bless them both.

I pay $120 AUD per month only for Mother/Father in law. In return they work my rice paddies, take child to school and pick him up, do my shopping daily, water the garden, clean the house, baby sit the youngest etc etc etc. However, my Wife is extremely lazy hehehe

Dear Members, wish things are going fine with you, I have a little concern about this post which is captioned bellow ...

>>>>>"How much to pay in-laws?" <<<<<

every time when I received mail notification for this post, I really feel annoyed and it makes me feel that someone stupid who don't know how to respect woman/wife  and trying  to blaming for his  own mistakes to others. if we don't know how to adopt different culture we should not keep ourselves moving on it. 

I am also married with Vietnamese girl and many people did.  Its not about how much I support her  it is all about how much we care our relationship. If you have intention something other then a family, of-course their is many problems could be arising.
Some people come Vietnam only to make their kids , thats the reason they marry Vietnamese because they found themselves older, as 50 or more. Some people came here to make business, and that the reason they marry so that they can make there business legalization, many more different  reasons  except love. ( Not included those people who are happily married with love and respect) 

There is no wrong with your wife if she asking money for saving her future because your wife finally realized that you married  her for your other intention except make a nice family and long term journey.

Finally, we must respect others cultures, there must be something hidden process which keeping their healthy family system and also they are happy within it. We must not complain because we do not know how to deal with.

I request Admin, please delete this post, it is giving us some error message which we may not need to know.

I really hurt after reading following quote

Herbj

I pay $120 AUD per month only for Mother/Father in law. In return they work my rice paddies, take child to school and pick him up, do my shopping daily, water the garden, clean the house, baby sit the youngest etc etc etc. However, my Wife is extremely lazy hehehe

Like

How could a man treat his wife family  as servants!  It also seems that he is very proud of doing that and willingly sharing this online ...

we all have mom and dad, mom and dad meaning not only define by blood relation, its also define by universal words. these words are powerful. We can not treat them poorly.

Nasir

I m being with my husband for 4 years already. And my mum stay with us. She clean the house, washing, cooking.... And in 4 years my husband gave my mum 100aud.  If my mum go to work for another family at least she can earn 200usd a month. But she very love me and my baby that why she stay with us.
1 day my husband have a joke
He said : "when divorce the wife or husband have to share a half of supper for another one. How much supper you give me???" He know i have notthing. I just said:" you can take the bussiness if you want"
I told mom about that
And my mom said " i wish i win only 1 lottery enought to pay your husband for your business. You have no future with old man and can't not have any more child"
      In true the old people not realy need money they just like to keep it for they kids and when they go to heaven they will give back to they children. And the parent all way want to see they kids have a good life. So if your relationship is real good your money will return back to you.

" The only true Good is Knowledge: The only true Evil is Ignorance"     -     [i]Socrates

    ..and there can be no gain without (some) pain.     We are all in debt for your (ignorant) values.

   Utter Hypocrisy?    To state that we should respect other cultures and then (refuse to?) complain (while complaining!)  is mind-blowing ignorance. 

Or as the Islamic leader defined; invincible ignorance.

  ..so you are suggesting that we must not complain because we do not understand?   For if you (really) read the posts here (and elsewhere) you will find we are all unique individuals (trying to) help others understand our differences.    Sadly, even the obvious ones too...

As Matt's wife said; if we say nothing when we could, we are complicit.   With all due respect..?   It seems you have little for (even) the obvious jokes.  What's next?   Burning the books?

                              Sacre' Bleu!                     

     * ..but thanks for painting a very accurate picture of yourself.   We all hope you become vincible.

herbj wrote:

I pay $120 AUD per month only for Mother/Father in law. In return they work my rice paddies, take child to school and pick him up, do my shopping daily, water the garden, clean the house, baby sit the youngest etc etc etc. However, my Wife is extremely lazy hehehe

Actually opposite to mrnasirs, I think you are a lucky and kind men. Only because of that then your parents willing to do all of the thing in the house for you and your wife. That also happen in happy Vietnamese families that I saw, where the couple don't have to worried about the house/kids and the parents feeling helpful. 

For old people, it is important to feel that their children still need them, someone still need them, they are busy and helpful, much more better than keep them rest all day.

My wifes mum stays with us for months at a time. She won't accept any money as she says that she gets enough income from her farm, which her son looks after for her when she's away.

In the house we take turns at doing the chores although she insists on sweeping the house herself every morning. I mop the floors after they are swept. My wife does dusting and taking the garbage out We share the washing up and we share the cooking.

Mum is a part of our family and if we go out she comes with us. She goes off to have coffee with her friends here daily and walks about 5k every day just because she likes it.

When she arrived back after Tet, she was carrying a sherpa load of green tea, coffee beans, sweet potato, fruit of various kinds and a couple of chickens

If I try to give her money she declines and says, "save it for the baby".

Lol what i faced with my vietnamese ex.... seems they're all mostly gold diggers. This woman i dated owns 2 houses, has a 2015 model chevy and is currently paying instalments for her house in Vinhome in spite of all these she was still requesting, demanding and forcing me to do give her money monthly.
I never for one day demanded for money, i paid for everything we did including eating out and entertainment. She still earns monthly besides her English class of 40 students.... i had to leave because i was feeling entangled and in bondage. She was over 10 years older than me lol. You should  never have to pay your in-laws monthly... WTF. Are you married to her or your in-laws... this is one reason i'll make more money and marry someone from a rich family where they don't have to dump all their life problems on you.  Are you their saviour??? without you her family won't survive? before she met you how were they living? now that she's with you is she giving you money she's meant to give her parents? I'm sorry but you're even stupid to post such here, stupid to even consider giving money out, you're being used... it's as simple as that. You white people sometimes need to be ''''unfoolish'''' sometimes. I'm sorry to be rash though i love white people but the way i see and hear how vietnamese women handle most of y'all i think most westerners are stupid.
From my experience so far, vietnamese women  don't consider blacks either from Africa, America or other advanced countries cos they see us predators and see westerners as preys. They say black is bad because we won't give in to their BS. Wise up man!

PS: I've travelled and dated women from different races and continents. Vietnamese women are by far the worst. It's money first or  nothing follows, even my male viet friends tell me ''Vietnam woman no good, only money money money''. No money, No bom bom. :LMAO GOOD LUCK

HAHAHAHAH '''STOP THINKING WITH JOHNSON''

Someone who like more complains in this conversation seems who read lot of Socrates, even he hide his information from his profile about his global position where he grown up. Its seems that he has problem with some others belief.

a knowledge is never can be a proper knowledge if is not tested, everything has margin to have ending. I was just concern about the ending of this conversation.

"Great Minds Discuss Ideas; Average Minds Discuss Events; Small Minds Discuss People"

If we digging a little further, it would make us surprise, some tradition also case by foreigner in Vietnam.

Finally I love to hear more from "eodmatt"

My wifes mum stays with us for months at a time. She won't accept any money as she says that she gets enough income from her farm, which her son looks after for her when she's away.
In the house we take turns at doing the chores although she insists on sweeping the house herself every morning. I mop the floors after they are swept. My wife does dusting and taking the garbage out We share the washing up and we share the cooking.
Mum is a part of our family and if we go out she comes with us. She goes off to have coffee with her friends here daily and walks about 5k every day just because she likes it.
When she arrived back after Tet, she was carrying a sherpa load of green tea, coffee beans, sweet potato, fruit of various kinds and a couple of chickens
If I try to give her money she declines and says, "save it for the baby".

I also do the same as him. And Vietnamese are not as bad as people saying bad things in this post. If we do good, good things will happening with us. this is simple math in this universe.

Nasir

Thanks for all the replies. Some great insight and some real visceral hatred it seems.Sad to hear some of it . I love Vietnam and it's people.
And I love my wife very much. Thanks to all that provided the clarification on this issue as it pertains to Vietnamese customs. Seems I was wrong on that count.

A middle aged man marries a young Viet girl and gets upset when she and her family expect money. What, did you think she had a fetish for old dudes? If you saw a couple like this in your home country you'd know the deal, so why is it so surprising here? Given the option a Viet girl would rather marry a Viet boy around her same age. If a young girl marries an old foreigner, it's most likely for money. Not hard to understand.

You are remarkably well informed regarding the way Vietnam girls think. Do they follow a common Vietnamese model, or is it an Asian model?

And no, they aren't all the same. As I posted some days ago, whilst I am a lot older than my wife, when I was very Ill for two years and my income dried up, she scraped enough money together to send me to UK for treatment and was waiting for me on my return. She is highly academically qualified and commands a relatively decent salary at senior corporate management level.

When we are walking about town we often see elderly European / American couples. Their expressions speak volumes. Generally the elderly female has an expression which looks like: "disgusting old man with a young girl." The men's expression looks like: "lucky bugger".

Maybe you should widen your circle of acquaintances away from some types of bar girls?

Get with it, Matt.    Empathy is an Alien concept for many (most?) men...   

Bazza139 wrote:

Get with it, Matt.    Empathy is an Alien concept for many (most?) men...   

I can't even spell emyh mop empty. Wot you said.

Dunno.  Maybe my mop is emp ty too...         ..er, em, pity too..?