GF and Extent of Her Family Involvement

moonunit0103 · 2019-03-09T05:04:48+01:00

Hi, After spending 6 weeks traveling with my GF through the Central Visayas, we go to Ormoc, Leyte, to visit her family. I have been letting her handling my money and she keeps meticulous records for our travels, and assumed she would be as frugal once home. Her family is very nice, but it seems that everything we do, there are cousins and friends whom she invites, which is assumed I will pay for everything. She had mentioned going to Kalanggaman Island, and instead of the two of us, 30 of her family joins us, with me paying for the boat and most of the food. I bit my lip, and tried to be a good sport. I mentioned to her that some things I would like not to do as a family, bit as a couple, as well as me wanting to know what plans are instead of having things spring on me. A few days later, we visit Tacloban for an overnight stay (assuming this would be a couples trip), and she later tells me a couple of her friends are meeting us for dinner, and at the end of the meal, I wound up footing the bill. The next morning she said we were meeting another of her friends, and I told her no. I drove back to Ormoc not sure what to say. Once I calmed down, I sat her down and told her that she needs to check with me first before assuming I will be paying for whatever she wants you do and treating her family and friends. I also reminded her that sometimes I would like to do some thing just as a couple. She apologized and started crying, but I think my point was taken. Is this typical? Should I not let her have access to my money? I am really hoping this will not be a pattern.

Last activity 23 June 2022 by Cheryl

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Lotus EaterViP28 May 2022 08:28:35

#81

1580

@Nightfish

Your advice may be somewhat tardy as Moonunit has not been active on this site for sometime. I think he went through the 'honeymoon' period before coming down to earth with the realisation that he (or his pension) may have taken on more than it can handle. As I understand it he is back Stateside but it would be nice to have an update if he does in time read this.

Moon DogPhilippines Advisor28 May 2022 10:50:53

#82

950

@adriano69 Maybe she wasn't as honest as you thought? I believe you did the right thing and she did you a huge favor by ending it. Feeding 30 people on the first date is a little over the top and just plain wrong. She may have been feeling you out to see how big of a sucker you were.

On my first visit in 2006 we had use of the family tricycle and her brother was our chauffeur. We were seeing the sights of Tacloban City and when it was time for lunch I asked where is a good place to eat. Her brother said there was this place that he wanted to eat all his life, but couldn't afford it. I said by all means, let’s go there! It was the San Pedro Bay restaurant located at the end of a pier. The food was very good and it wasn't expensive.

A few days later I had a hankering to go back so I said “who wants to go to San Pedro Bay, my treat”. The tricycle instantly had 9 people on it and off we went. We baited up real good and I had 3 or 4 San Miguels. A good time was had by all and the bill was just over P2,000. I left a couple hundred pesos on the table and when we were back at the tricycle her other brother handed me the intended tip. He thought I left it on the table by mistake. That little province girl has treated me right to this day.

adriano69Member28 May 2022 15:17:42

#83

thanks for all the replies guys.

I wasnt too upset because she wasnt that attractive and physically she was disappointing too. I was more disappointed at the time and effort i put into the correspondence. She appeared honest in many messages we exchanged and video calls but theres nothing like meeting someone in real life. Like I said, she wasnt particularly attractive but seemed cheerful and honest so I agreed to visit. I mean this in an honest way but there will be no queue of men lining up to meet her. So she had a chance of meeting someone who really liked her and she blew it big time.

Also, she said she had only had one relationship and it lasted 4 years and she gave up on it because she was desperate. Well, she will be more desperate now. I also believe now she was lying about how many relationships she had had. Not that I care now.

It wasnt the money, it was the principle of the thing. If I bought a meal for 30 then what was next? We didnt even make it to the first evening lol. As I said, I did offer to pay afterwards but it was too late by then. Im not sure how to read that but shes gone so sod her.

Still I turned the intended romantic getaway into a city tour instead so I got something out of it and I will return as I know Manila a little better now. I like city tours. Davao is a bit boring if you dont have transport, Manila is a good base for visiting other places IMHO. I got out of the country eventually, alive(!) and I didnt lose out too much financially. It could have been worse. You win some you lose some. Ill have a plan next time

coach53ViP28 May 2022 21:08:23

#84

1564

I wasnt too upset because she wasnt that attractive and physically she was disappointing too.

...
Still I turned the intended romantic getaway into a city tour instead
- @adriano69

Not sure if I interpreete you correct, but that sound some as you saw it as sex tourism?

while she saw it serious by she involved her family.

OR perhaps she understood at your early reaction it wouldnt become any serious and tried to get as much out of it as possible

But if I entrerpreted you wrong and you are serious, I know two as far as I know good women just in Davao and close. Dont know if they are free still though.

(One didnt want to move to where I want to live, and the other messed up a bit to much by not thinking ahead for me, who need a wife, who can manage my business when I retire/die. The first is/was restaurant manager and the other worked for Amazon earlier, perhaps she is OFW now. last I heared she aimed at that.)

Enzyte BobViP28 May 2022 23:08:25

#85

3678

Adriano69. . . . . . It wasnt the money, it was the principle of the thing. If I bought a meal for 30 then what was next? ***********************************************

You could have eliminated that dinner reception if you would have packed 30 cans of Spam & 30 cans of Sardines into gift packs.

WellsfrySerial expat29 May 2022 02:19:56

#86

395

[Post under review]

Lotus EaterViP29 May 2022 09:06:58

#87

1580

(One didnt want to move to where I want to live, and the other messed up a bit to much by not thinking ahead for me, who need a wife, who can manage my business when I retire/die. The first is/was restaurant manager and the other worked for Amazon earlier, perhaps she is OFW now. last I heared she aimed at that.)
- @coach53

The real reason of course is they got tired of waiting for you to come to the Philippines - full of verbose hot air and no action.

Enzyte BobViP29 May 2022 23:35:16

#88

3678

[Post under review]

johncroyActive member30 May 2022 00:33:27

#89

For me it comes down to this;

if you get with someone that likes you for who you are and not how much money you have or willing to dish out then the relationship has a chance to last.

if you get with someone that likes you for your money or how you can help their family then its basically no better than a GRO (prostitute) that will have no problem cheating on you (my wife has friends like this and i hear stories all the time regardless if the guy is a Foreigner or Filipino).

WellsfrySerial expat30 May 2022 05:10:59

#90

395

@Enzyte Bob 😳🤣

coach53ViP30 May 2022 06:26:32

#91

1564

For me it comes down to this;

if you get with someone that likes you for who you are and not how much money you have or willing to dish out then the relationship has a chance to last.

if you get with someone that likes you for your money or how you can help their family then its basically no better than a GRO (prostitute) that will have no problem cheating on you (my wife has friends like this and i hear stories all the time regardless if the guy is a Foreigner or Filipino).
- @johncroy

Well. There is one in between, which I believe many of the rather happy marriages belong to specialy when its big age difference:

Similar as it was in "rich" countriies" back when there were almpost no jobs for women, women wished to get a husband, who can earn enough fopr he, wife and future kids could live ok, so they dont need to worry if there will be basics as food, clothes and a place to live. In the Philippines women can have jobs, but most salaries are so small so they dont earn enoufg to not struggle, which make the situation similar.

Although in poor countries its common children are expected/demanded to support their parents, when they get old.

In the Philippines it can be one step worth by many - lazy - ones expect to get support when just being cousin or uncle - and they count relöatives as that too when they are so far relöated so "western" languages dont have a name for it

((Swedish have as most for grandkids where the grandpparents were cousins, but I doubt more than a few know that word and almost none know who any such are. ((I know of one =One of the best icehockey defenders ever Nicklas Lidstrom. We followed when grandfather visited them once when passing when we travelled but that was before "Lidas" was born

On top of that SOME Filipinos are as to many westerners are too =Want to show off spending more than they realy afford to to LOOK to others as they can afford much more than they can. Even puting themselves in much debt to do that. I am NOT talking about them, who get in debt to survive, nor them who borrow and buy e g a house, but them who borrow to use up e g at parties.

((I prefer dress as a (Thai) farmer =long wide trouser legs so snake can miss by bite in them

and to drive old bad looking but good functioning cars. Except I dress up e g when going to dance or to NEW customers - old customers I dont bother to dress up to meet by they know allready the quality my businesses deliver so I keep them anyway. Although my bigest customer ever after some years the main owner came and visited my office and got shocked

Before I moved the business to biger, it had just storage plus the office space from were I led the 70 employees was just 2 x 3 meters.

A winter, when it was very cold, all the customers in the bank arrived very much freezing in posh clothes and briefcase they had to expose glove hand to carry. Then I arrived dressed as an Alaskan at winters and instead of a briefcase I had a plastic bag, which I could carry still with hands in pocket. Not sure of the proportions of shock and envy among the freezers

BUt I have had suits all the time e g one common among bank managers back then, but I just dont like wearing suits specialy the tie.))

Inspite of I normaly dress nice at FIRST meetings, I suppouse how I mostly prefer to dress sort away gold diggers and show offs

Google seem to ignore "private" and "net" when I tried to find PRIVATE net debts per capita in western countries deducted with worth of property as house or car when such are collateral for loans. Got a lot of hits about what I DIDNT search for as e g compared to GDP, and I were to lazy to recalculate by look up GDP for each country, or showing private share of the PUBLIC debt, which each individual cant do any much about... I gave up trying to find such info anyway.

I know its common with crazy high debts anyway, many even max out high interest several credit cards!!! So there are many crap thinkers in western countries too...

coach53ViP30 May 2022 06:37:00

#92

1564

This was back before idiot "specialist" doctors hadnt decided to not giving me expected surgery so I expected to move to Phils after rehab. . . . . . . . . .Coach53
*************************************************************
What kind of surgery? Brain surgery?
- @Enzyte Bob

Well. I have told its a common surgery for sportsmen - I suppouse injuries at legs are much more common than brain - and I have told I cant travel because my injury get to much worse by that (and I have told somewhere earlier Otherwice I would have moved to Phils with wheelchair or crutches a long time ago.)

But your conclusion capacity is NOT as bad as Lotus Eater's

According to "specialists" I dont need the surgery anyway

Enzyte BobViP30 May 2022 07:55:55

#93

3678

[Post under review]

Lotus EaterViP30 May 2022 08:48:12

#94

1580

[Post under review]

WellsfrySerial expat30 May 2022 15:06:27

#95

395

@Enzyte Bob Bet the kit is missing some screws... 😉

FilAmericanMomPhilippines Expert31 May 2022 03:44:54

#96

877

I haven't seen posts from moonunit0103 for quite some time. I hope he's doing fine.

I feel bad for you guys who were taken unawares by your GF. By the way, this practice of taking advantage of a person's generosity is not typical of Filipino culture. Filipinos adhere to a practice called "utang na loob" or debt of gratitude where you have to pay back / return the favor to someone from whom you asked for a favor. Usually, this would involve helping someone get out of a sticky situation, like lending money / helping / paying for medical bills, tuition, rent, business capital, bail, etc. And then there is also "hiya" or embarrassment for asking for a favor. And these two are some of the reasons why I avoid asking for favors or being treated out for free. I would rather pay someone to do something for me, or be the one granting favors.

I actually wrote extensively about this a few years ago in a post. I can search for it, but I can't seem to log-in to my account using my laptop. It's a bit difficult to find and write something using a cellphone.

coach53ViP31 May 2022 06:57:06

#97

1564

I haven't seen posts from moonunit0103 for quite some time. I hope he's doing fine.

I feel bad for you guys who were taken unawares by your GF. By the way, this practice of taking advantage of a person's generosity is not typical of Filipino culture. Filipinos adhere to a practice called "utang na loob" or debt of gratitude where you have to pay back / return the favor to someone from whom you asked for a favor. Usually, this would involve helping someone get out of a sticky situation, like lending money / helping / paying for medical bills, tuition, rent, business capital, bail, etc. And then there is also "hiya" or embarrassment for asking for a favor. And these two are some of the reasons why I avoid asking for favors or being treated out for free. I would rather pay someone to do something for me, or be the one granting favors.

I actually wrote extensively about this a few years ago in a post. I can search for it, but I can't seem to log-in to my account using my laptop. It's a bit difficult to find and write something using a cellphone.
- @FilAmericanMom

Good to know

But it seem many Filipinos dont follow that to Filipinos neither because how come otherwice there are so many stories where the others stop working and just wait for the money to come when a sibbling become OFW (or marry a foreigner) ?

And the "crab mentality" holding them down, who try harder to improve their lives.

But there are good behaving examples too where everyone do their best. E g three sisters have an alcoholic father, who lost their farm by that when they were kids. Inspite of starting broke the sisters took turns financing university/college education for one sister at the time. Two became teachers and one became OFW and their mother take care of their kids when they got such

gwapsActive member06 June 2022 03:57:36

#98

@moonunit0103 I've encountered this with one girl I dated in Philippines. Thirty people is ridiculous though by any standard. It is customary though for the foreigner to pay for the dinner though for all . Everyone is different though as in any country. My wife's family never asks me for anything. Though others there may look to you as their ATM . Good luck friend 🙂

moonunit0103Serial expat06 June 2022 13:37:47

#99

303

@adriano69 Best not to go to Philippines to see just one person unless you have already met in person.

coach53ViP07 June 2022 00:41:07

#100

1564

@adriano69 Best not to go to Philippines to see just one person unless you have already met in person.
- @moonunit0103

Well. Better not do as a friend of mine, who is very clever EXCEPT he is crap at relations and psychology.

He went to meet 8 at same trip at same hotel! Then he didnt understand why these women lost interest!

(If someone dont understand - Most women are good investigators, so they found out he met more than themself and no one want to be just a backup choice, specialy not when being many.)

Although its some hypocrytic, because many of the women have backups too - but not necesary that obvious

Lotus EaterViP07 June 2022 08:38:41

#101

1580

I don't use dating sites but understand why many people do. Each to their own. As I alluded to before on this Forum its easy to meet Filipina's once you are in the country ( provided you ever set foot there - some members on this Forum are inate dreamers) and the 'serendipity ' meeting negates the disappointing false starts that are prevalent, via the dating site route, from the experiences of many expats.

My take on dating sites is that they can become addictive - "it's a numbers game" is often cited for their justification. I suspect that they have a high proportion of 'Anoraks' (Our American friends use the term 'Nerds'). I said high not all.

Many readers will say ' yes but I'm time limited, it costs a fortune on air travel to get to the country and dating sites give me a better 'bang for my buck'. Perhaps not the right phrase to use in the circumstances. Forgive me.

I make many business trips into Asia every year and when I check into a hotel always avail myself of the hotels 'in house' massage to negate the effects of the long flight & 7/8 hour jet lag time zone difference with the UK.

My go to hotel in Manila used to be The Mandarin Oriental Hotel on Makati Avenue sadly no longer there but a new replacement is due to open soon. They had 30 masseuses on 24 hour rotation and some were devastatingly attractive

Its a great way to get to know a woman. You are in a private, intimate (by necessity) setting and the conversation will flow naturally because you are not in 'date' mode - she is there as your therapist.

Many Filipina's can be strikingly direct in their comments to you during the treatment. Often they will ask you if you are married and you can gauge their 'availability' by the questions they ask you. Fellow Forum readers you will get to know more about her in the space of an hour AND what she really looks like compared to the endless chat and niceties that occur online.

Since the Mandarin closed I have started using high end Airbnb's and now avail of outside massage therapist organisations. There are of course some seedy establishments selling sex but it is easy to weed those out via a few text messages. I use the WellnessHub Philippines internet portal containing several salons where you get a qualified masseuse (in most cases). You can have a two hour massage for about £6 ($8) so even if you don't find anything in common with your therapist its an enjoyable treatment. If you do 'click' with your therapist she will always leave her CP number with you and hey the rest is up to you.

I always extend my trip in the Philippines for a couple of weeks or so and venture out to one of the islands and am never without company

manwonderViP07 June 2022 09:00:06

#102

1901

Just a hea

ds up...its a sad situation here...in reality the economic situation here especially in the many impoverished 3rd world provinces are in dire straits...not much is being done to improve the livelihoods of the many poor young school girls who in their early teens are already being groomed by parents/family members to look as sexy/dress their best possible for the sake that one day they may be able to get noticed/or when they were to go online to meet these much older foreign expats/locals who are looking to settle down/retire/interested in their prized 'possession'.....so the grooming itself costs $$$ (laptop/Wiifi/electricity/clothes/tik tok/YT dance move downloads/karoke singing/dating websites/cell phone/loads & lots and lots of time) & so don't expect them just to roll over for you.....It's their way/families way of survival...so be prepared to loosen yr purse strings but don't go overboard doing anything for anyone.

Again omho

Cherryann01ViP07 June 2022 09:19:33

#103

1074

I just do not understand why some people are willing to fly half way round the world or further just for sex.

FilamretireContributor07 June 2022 09:59:16

#104

182

Been with my wife for 25 yrs, OP sounds exactly like me. My wife and I both had good paying jobs in the US so in reality all our assets are joint, and 50/50 owned. I learned early on that activities with family means I pay. I am good with that since its only when we visit, which is not that often. It is also why I do not want to live close to her family when I retire. I do help them from time to time after discussing. Never loans, because I also learned that a loan is a gift. I am dreading the day when the elders in the family get sick, because the ask will come. Thinking to move to PI but not close to family, and we both agree, a nicer location so we can have at least some of the comforts of the US we are used to

Cherryann01ViP07 June 2022 11:48:35

#105

1074

@Filamretire Well that sounds like you have a very good balance there.

Lotus EaterViP07 June 2022 12:17:00

#106

1580

Yeah but what about the bank 'balance' when the shit hits the fan

Enzyte BobViP07 June 2022 12:30:47

#107

3678

Yeah but what about the bank 'balance' when the shit hits the fan
- @Lotus Eater

There is an ATM on every street corner, excuse me, I meant Expat looking for a Happy Ending.

FilamretireContributor10 June 2022 09:15:46

#108

182

@Enzyte Bob If ever there was a stereotype, and its unfortunate for those who arent that get looked at as being a creepy old guy.

Enzyte BobViP10 June 2022 12:43:46

#109

3678

@Enzyte Bob If ever there was a stereotype, and its unfortunate for those who arent that get looked at as being a creepy old guy.
- @Filamretire

Yes it is a stereotype caused by an abundance of creepy old men from America, Europe and Australia. I've never witnessed this in the states to any extent. A gentler term might to label them Sugar Daddy's.

OkieboySerial expat14 June 2022 03:09:24

#110

653

@GuestPoster170 your right my wife is currently working in Spain, we decided that a year ago as I am 79 she will get some life insurance, but needs to move on without me, now she had no trouble getting a visa to Spain while I am alive, and later if she wants she can get a widows visa to USA

Darwin BarrNew member14 June 2022 03:11:10

#111

When you married Philippina you married the whole of her family. Then just choose the right one!

WellsfrySerial expat14 June 2022 03:56:56

#112

395

@Moon Dog ....Now that same lunch for 9 would be 4000... But still cool to treat like that once in ahwile.... Great story! 🍻

kristopherryanwatsonPhilippines Advisor14 June 2022 04:05:28

#113

421

@Darwin Barr

If you find a woman who comes from a great and virtuous family, and if she happenes to have a decent job - Marry Her. Wife her up. Tie her town.

Such are hard to find (no offense to any woman and their individual strifes or challenges here).. If you achieve the above, you're pretty much set. You've won at this game of International Love.

WellsfrySerial expat14 June 2022 04:22:05

#114

395

My fiancee and I went to a local bar owned by an American and his wife... expats go twice a week... it was funny... the first time we went.... (after we left)... I said to her... "jeeze... a handfull of those guys seam kinda creepy... like pedophiles!"... Lol... because they were like 70+ with mid 20, 30 year old filipinas... and just "looked" a bit creepy... but most were nice... anyways... she laughed and agreed! 😆

Guest8754Guest20 June 2022 13:19:20

#115

214245

@moonunit0103

Hello KANO.

I was a member here a while back. Apparently, memberships expire.

Your answer lies, not in the specifics of a Philipina, but in life, in general. My conclusions are a) you're not very smart and/or b) you choose to live in a pretty lie, as opposed to reality. Ether (or both) of these will cost you, big time, again and again, until you pull your head out of your...

DO NOT listen to what anyone says because (guess what) people lie.

WATCH WHAT PEOPLE DO, instead.

Actions reveal choices. Choices reveal motivations. Motivations reveal people. There's no way to run; no place, to hide. Assess the options someone had when a certain choice was made. Ask yourself why the person took the option they chose. It's as simple as that. And the conclusion drawn is never wrong.

If your GF's motivation is to be yours; to be true, to you, how can you rationalize bringing 30 people and forcing you to pay?

You can lead a hoss to water, but you can't make him think. If your choice is to continue to be a coward, not to mention a G. D. FOOL, so be it. Just don't blame anyone else, OK?

jrossvanMember20 June 2022 15:05:15

#116

@Darwin Barr That's only if you want the family.

Cherryann01ViP20 June 2022 17:46:00

#117

1074

@The Cold War Kid Never knew horses went to water to think

coach53ViP20 June 2022 18:37:26

#118

1564

[Post under review]

Lotus EaterViP20 June 2022 18:45:14

#119

1580

[Post under review]

coach53ViP20 June 2022 20:26:01

#120

1564

@The Cold War Kid Never knew horses went to water to think
- @Cherryann01

And we all thought Coaches syntax was bad
- @Lotus Eatern

I have even managed to impress a Scorpio woman!!!

By I knew things in very different subjects OTHERS in that group of friends had brought up at a party. I dont remember which the other subjects were, but the 4-5th was she had headache but didnt want to go home and I told how that type can be cured/reduced without meds.

While you post a lot of BS and lies post against me claiming I dont know what I am talking about, but you have NEVER managed to correct me... Not odd, because - except perhaps when I have said "if I remember correct" or such - I have only been corrected once* and it WASNT by you...

( * My info in a Visa situation wasnt the latest and I didnt know it was changed.)

And you have NEVER answered any of the posts where I have shown YOU are very much wrong... inspite of I have reminded you. How come?

Closed

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