Has anyone felt like they are being "Used"

An insightful conversation that turned into a petty argument or that of hurling insults  once again, no thanks to the usual culprit....shocking.

I wanted to lend my opinion to what the core of this thread had been originally about, but now i am so turned off by it being so far off left-field and what it has turned into, that i want no part in any contribution whatsoever.  disappointing.

As I understand it Stateside the weather forecasters regularly use the term 'Heat Index' which is a combination of temperature combined with humidity. In extremis this can be deadly especially in some US states which suffer from a combination of both. It's not so much the heat in the Philippines but the humidity which can be debilitating. However as we Brits like to say in a hot climate, when it rains at least it's warm rain.

I agree but 20 degrees even in the sun is not extreme like 35 degrees feeling like 45 in the Phils would be

Like coach says...My family has become my "own tribe"...we don't follow blindly what the local culture dictates nor the way things are done just to appease anyone around or to safe face or just to rest on our laurels....We work together as an united tribe/team always trying to improve our extended families thinking/financial condition through education/hardwork/sacrifice/patience & perserverance....& I feel It's working just fine.

I believe we have the knowledge/capability/financial stability to make significant changes.

Share your experiences so other kind hearted blokes do not become another statistic here. There's a running joke about foreigners here. No Filipino/a will share it with you as they do not want us to look down on their people. We must share our experiences . . .


-@Dane Juju

The problem is sometimes foreigners make generalizations. They had a bad experience with a few people and tell others that a certain habit is common to all Filipinos. I have experienced being used, not just here in the Philippines, but also in America.

I am Filipino-American, by the way. Since we're on the topic of sharing experiences about being "used," here's an instance I was used by a Filipino.

One of my employees asked me for a loan. He said his mom was at a hospital in Bataan. I've always believed that family is important, so I loaned him the money. He also asked for a week off so he can see his mom. I let him have a week off even though my shop was busy with several projects and we were like in an all-hands-on-deck kind of situation at work.

After a few days, I decided to call him to ask how his mom was doing. He answered his cellphone and said that he was with his mom at the hospital. While I was talking to him, a rooster crowed. It was loud, like it was just a few feet away from him. BUSTED! So I told him, "Wow! They now allow roosters in a hospital. Next time I get hospitalized, I'll bring some chickens so I can have fresh eggs!" Turns out he wasn't in Bataan. He was in Metro Manila completing a project he accepted. To make matters worse, the client for whom he was doing a project, was also one of my clients. And that the money I loaned him was used to finance that project. The next day, I called him and I told him he's fired.

The following day, his wife came by. She apologized on his behalf. I was still angry. I replied with the worst Tagalog curse word, "Putang ina mo. Just because you're a woman, you think you can sway my decision to fire your husband!" And then she asked for severance pay. WTF! I told her that her husband is not entitled to severance pay because he did something bad against me and my company, despite the fact that my family has shown them kindness over the years (my employee is actually a distant relative), even before I took over the family business. I told her to just keep the loan money as long as she doesn't show her face again in my office.

After his project was done, my employee went to my office, signed some paperwork regarding his termination. And in the document, it said that I gave him a certain amount (the loan amount) out of the kindness of my heart to help him and his family, to make it clear that it wasn't severance.

So, that's my experience on being used.

@Cherryann01

The golf and waterfalls sound good. All quality-of-life stuff. And beer is included in that...of course. There was a time I was into scuba diving in Philippines.. some great opportunities to see thresher shark and manta rays around cebu, and then there's the famous whale shark swimming, which is quite an experience. (very touristy now but great safe fun).

"Okay I have paid for the transport and food on days out but they have contributed by bringing rice, water, napkins and small snacks. "@Cherryann01

I found with provincial folk, I usually pay for transport and meals, and there's kind of an ethos - if one is presumed to have money (like a "foreigner"), then they should be paying. I have had opportunity to have a few Filipino business-type friends, and they get that there needs to be a balance, and understand foreigners don't always want to foot the bill (because it's cumulative, and if it keeps happening you can't continue to socialise). The Business-type, on the other hand, are more than happy to pay their share, understanding they probably have more resources than us in some cases.

To be used or not to be used. It's an older single male Expat's dream. Use your money to acquire a young Filipina companion. Use all kinds of justifications to say that it's true love. Age isn't a Filipino concern; Asian society accepts age gap relationships etc. If that was true, how come you don't see all kinds on young Filipinas with older Asian men? In reality your trading money for a young trophy Filipina companion and she escapes the throes of poverty for settling for an old inferior product. Everyone then pretends Happily ever after. But when things go sideways it's always easier to blame the other side of the equation.

Everyone then pretends Happily ever after.
-@Lat61

That problem may indeed exist but does not really bother me as much...what I am more concerned about is my own financial/health stability through this happily ever after period.

@Lat61

Wow...that's judgemental (but perhaps contextual also).

Anthropological studies have looked at whether (or not) women really find older, wealthier men more attractive. Cohorts of women were researched, asking about their sexual/romantic feelings toward a selection of men, and amongst other traits like perception of intelligence, humour, and physical appearance was social status and wealth - that's the ability to provide for one's family. It seems women, unconsciously at least, select men based on the survivability of their future offspring. Genetics and material resources play into that. The outcome of the research was that women genuinely found men of means more attractive.

https://www.newshub.co.nz/home/world/20 … tists.html

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog … over-looks

In the case of Filipino women selecting foreign men over their local rivals, these women anticipate their offspring will be better off. There's the increased possibility of genetic variation (akin to better health), increased likelihood of safer housing with better resources, better education and medical care, and taller more handsome kids. Many of the famous Filipino actors and models are mestizo/mestiza right?

I worked in Qatar for 6 years, and so many OFW Filipinas with good jobs were dating foreign men. Why was that?

     gsturdee

"Anthropological studies have looked at whether (or not) women really find older, wealthier men more attractive. Cohorts of women were researched, asking about their sexual/romantic feelings toward a selection of men, and amongst other traits like perception of intelligence, humour, and physical appearance was social status and wealth - that's the ability to provide for one's family. It seems women, unconsciously at least, select men based on the survivability of their future offspring. Genetics and material resources play into that. The outcome of the research was that women genuinely found men of means more attractive." All true, but these age gaps are rarely seen in Western Countries. And there is a reason many Expats won't take their young bride to their home countries. 

"In the case of Filipino women selecting foreign men over their local rivals, these women anticipate their offspring will be better off. There's the increased possibility of genetic variation (akin to better health), increased likelihood of safer housing with better resources, better education and medical care, and taller more handsome kids. Many of the famous Filipino actors and models are mestizo/mestiza right?" Also true, but sacrifice for other family members by marring a much older man isn't finding one's true love. So lets call it what it is in most cases, a trade off between unequals.

"I worked in Qatar for 6 years, and so many OFW Filipinas with good jobs were dating foreign men. Why was that?" Again not the same age gaps as back home in the Philippines unless the women are unskilled servants.

If its about love, why is it that almost all young Filipinas that marry much older men are from poor families? If your arguments were more accurate we would see these age gap relationships across all

classes. Not almost exclusively the poor.

Reply Quote

@Lat61

"If it's about love, why is it that almost all young Filipinas that marry much older men are from poor families? If your arguments were more accurate we would see these age gap relationships across all classes. Not almost exclusively the poor."

That's exactly the point. The studies indicate that poor are unconsciously attracted to the wealthy because genuinely they find them more attractive...again unconsciously aiming at the improved survival of their future offspring. Age is a factor if you're poor, but less so if you're wealthy.

In Qatar and around the world, not just Filipina OFW "servants", but many Filipina nurses, accountants and professionals choose other nationalities. It's common in fact. The age gap can be less outside of Philippines, yes, but that doesn't account for the preference for non-Filipino partners.

Again (I believe) it's about unconsciously selecting one who's genetically diverse, which increases the survival of the offspring by increasing genetic variation. White females are increasingly choosing men of Asian/African descent in Europe too, again for the same reason.

Also, I'm not sure you should speak on behalf of the Filipinas who select older, non-Filipino mates. This is their choice I should think. If the relationship works, their kids have more opportunities, and the Filipina and her family get a chance at a better life (in or out of the Philippines), then who are you to tell them what to do, or suggest it's somehow wrong?

Look I not here to criticize age gap relationships or advise grownups on what to do. I'm just stating my 2 cents worth and calling it like I see it without rose colored glasses on. Everyone likes to spin their lifestyle choices positively and justify their reasoning. Nobody wants to live through old age lonely. I can also see why women in the west find it disagreeable and call Filipinas gold diggers. But I see western women as jealous and fearful of losing their perceived value. I'm just calling bs from my perspective from what I see and perceive as faulty logic. I agree partly on the genetic and wealth points. But also from the wealth point of view, you can't explain away why richer older Asian men are not seen anywhere near as often with much younger Filipina brides as Western men are. I also agree that genetic variation makes for a healthier babies. But as why they are occurring more often now can also be also attributed to our more connected world and that marring outside of your race is much more acceptable now, then it was a few generations ago. But most Western men aren't thinking children or genetics when relocating half way across the world to the Philippines. Their seeking to fulfill their sexual desires and I'm ok with that. If they were just focused on economic reasons, there are better countries to chose from. As far as seeking companionship there are many more single older women then there are single older men where they came from.

"You can't explain away why richer older Asian men are not seen anywhere near as often with much younger Filipina brides as Western men are"
-@Lat61

It's the Asian way (To Save face)... best not to be seen caught openly/all kept under wraps...as it is generally frowned upon by most Asian societies.....but trust me we do have our fair share if only more Asian men were more forthcoming.

A couple of points to add. Filipino males are spoilt from a young age and like most Filipino offspring are indulged by their parents.

Filipinos when they become adults still retain a certain childishness. Of all the nations in the world the Philippines has more followers per capita of the Tik Tok app than any other. I’m not even going to comment on this.

Relationships need commitment which Filipino men, because of their upbringing simply don’t possess. Foreign men are more mature even at the same age as their Filipino male counterparts. Filipinas respect this.

My first Filipina gf was from a very wealthy family and money was irrelevant .

Another factor which some readers might find controversial is that of all Asian women Filipinas do not ‘age’ well in the main. Post 30 it tends to all go ‘Pete Tong’  Men can get away with this but women cannot. That’s life

Another factor which some readers might find controversial is that of all Asian women Filipinas do not ‘age’ well in the main. Post 30 it tends to all go ‘Pete Tong’ Men can get away with this but women cannot. That’s life -@Lotus Eater

`

However, must say lots of binibini do appear to age very well.

With permission, here's dear wifey, at 48 years young last month ..

Good point manwonder. That also explains why the younger bride pretends to love her elderly husband; to save face. But all of the naysayers here that make excuses about the young bride, old husband marriage being "normal" in the Philippines, how many would gladly accept their beautiful 18 year old daughter marring an 70 year old Filipino? I'm guessing slim to none. 

Your wife is beautiful, PalawOne, and looks smart, too.. haha.

Lat61, I don't see 50 year age gaps very often even among foreigners and Filipinas. It seems most partnerships (not temporary hookups) are around 15-30 years difference. Older than in the West, but given the cultural norms and benefits, not that far out of line. It is also not uncommon to see older Filipino men with younger mistresses - there is even a word for it but I forget what it is. SO yes, there is more acceptance of the age differences.

However I will comment that "romantic love" as we idealize it in western society, is a recent construct from the last 2-300 years. In many cultures, it has little value, and we should be careful applying it to a different, non-western culture. They are more concerned with stability maturity, and a steady life. Of course some cultures still arrange marriages for that reason - to ensure (hopefully) the best outcome. My girlfriend has told me countless times she would never data a man even close to her age (43) because they are not "stable". It would seem to often be the case in the Philippines.

Filipino men have a higher percentage of unreliability in general. It's so obvious when you're out and about. When I am out on my bike rides, going through neighborhoods, etc, I NEVER see women gathered around drinking Red Horse at 11am. It is always the men. I see the women working their ass off starting about 5 or 6am and going all day. Laundry, kids, cooking, cleaning.. Sure, some of the men work hard too, often at a construction job, but it seems to me in general that women do more of the work, and I bet they get tired of it.

Lastly, I am not saying that some of these women aren't looking for a way out of their predicament, and certainly for many, landing a foreigner husband is a win. As you say, especially among the poor, or the young single moms. But both sides often benefit. They get security and the man gets a younger wife/girlfriend/caregiver. There may not even be "love" involved at first but it can evolve over time, and still be a great partnership. So in general I have no problem with it.

Your wife is beautiful, PalawOne, and looks smart, too.. haha.
Lat61, I don't see 50 year age gaps very often even among foreigners and Filipinas. It seems most partnerships (not temporary hookups) are around 15-30 years difference. Older than in the West, but given the cultural norms and benefits, not that far out of line. It is also not uncommon to see older Filipino men with younger mistresses - there is even a word for it but I forget what it is. SO yes, there is more acceptance of the age differences.

-@pnwcyclist

The word you are referring to could be the "triple M" which stands for Matanda, Mayaman, Madaling mamatay which means old, rich, will die soon.

Or it could be "MU" for "mutual understanding" which is a relationship without love, and is more like an agreement between 2 parties: you-scratch-my-back-I'll-scratch-yours kinda deal. The older party receives care and companionship which may not necessarily involve having sex. And the younger party gets a more comfortable lifestyle and some inheritance.

`

Pnwcyclist kindly writes, "Your wife is beautiful, PalawOne, and looks smart, too.. haha."

Yes sir indeed she is both Pnwcyclist.

Married 12 years, both first timers, both practising educators.

Both have been completely happy, wifey sings at home all day..

`

However I will comment that "romantic love" as we idealize it in western society, is a recent construct from the last 2-300 years. In many cultures, it has little value, and we should be careful applying it to a different, non-western culture. They are more concerned with stability maturity, and a steady life. -@pnwcyclist

`

Seems to me, the best pure human-happiness is a combination of:

love, respect, honour, desire & gratitude

And Philippine women, in a country with no divorce, will join you heart & soul forever in seeking this happiness.

If we seek it and see it, accept it and give it, happiness will be yours.

Respect....

Sure that should be a 2 way thingy...we are to respect their values which is fine but how about sparing a thought for us too? some of the senior expats who come here just want to live out their lives away from the many restrictions that their very own modern world economies come with.... not that we are all so rich with money to burn but normal people who want their fair share of trouble free happiness not someone to be made use of time & time again.

11, nearly 12 years in a same sex relationship has shown me that a partner 31 years younger? Is committed. As others have said age for many Asian cultures is not a barrier. As manwonder states, respect each others values and beliefs (both sides) always and negotiate within the relationship as well as outside factors to achieve an equal goal.

OMO? If you feel you are being used you picked the wrong person and should have seen the writing on the wall day one or at least the first week.

None of us are stupid,,,,,, well some that think with the wrong head maybe but the long and short or not and being used does come back to reality and an equitable future and can't be purchased.

Cheers, Steve.

11, nearly 12 years in a same sex relationship has shown me that a partner 31 years younger? Is committed.

What I see here is "committed" for sure, but committed to a win-win propostion of improved standard of living for the woman and her family, and, a young, beautiful wife and sex-life for the foreigner. There is nothing wrong with that in my opinion. Both are in a way, "trapped" by their native cultures and age gap frees both up to a life each considers more desirable. And who knows, "love commitment" may eventually occur out if this, essentially business, commitment. You do need to confirm if the woman's needs are not being supplemented by a young boyfriend on the side of course.

***As others have said age for many Asian cultures is not a barrier. As manwonder states, respect each others values and beliefs (both sides) always and negotiate within the relationship as well as outside factors to achieve an equal goal.***

Partially true. When in Asia, age is not a barrier in some countries where 3rd world conditions exist. I believe it is a barrier in Japan and in wealthier parts of China and Hong Kong and Taiwan. Also, when the Filipino spouse is relocated to the US, this cultural value seems to go up in smoke. So often I have seen the filipino wife find a younger man after moving here; it is almost predictable.

***OMO? If you feel you are being used you picked the wrong person***

It is just a matter of recognizing the relationship for what it is. I know it sounds cold but age gap is basically a business proposition involving a monogamous (hopefully) form of what some people call the world's oldest profession. Recognize it for what it is to avoid being hurt. Your new lives HERE (not in America etc.) will likely be much more fulfilling than before. And you never know, love might even come later, several years down the line. 

@Danfinn

Gay, bisexual, straight matters little or none in any relationship unless you are both on the same page, (same page or forget) age nor race come between love and commitment for a fruitful and successful future.

We all at some stage in our life have been used and the wise learn.

OMO.

Cheers, Steve.

I studied realty around the time I was getting my degree in human resources. My grand-father Immigrated from Cebu around 1900. The land dept there in the Philippines probably is working with the new regulations. Attending or even forming community meetings/discussions usually will help all to fill out those forms at the clerks office. Donna "Cam" Toone

I studied realty around the time I was getting my degree in human resources. My grand-father Immigrated from Cebu around 1900. The land dept there in the Philippines probably is working with the new regulations. Attending or even forming community meetings/discussions usually will help all to fill out those forms at the clerks office. Donna "Cam" Toone
-@Donna Cam

I think the above post should be moved to the Introduce Yourselves thread.

Hello Donna,

Welcome to expat.com!

Feel free to tell us a bit more about yourself on the discussion New members of the Philippines forum, introduce yourselves here - 2022.

Cheers,

Yoginee

Expat.com team

OMG, you bunch of cerebral foreigners, everyone is "used" at some point or another, and "that's the way the cookie crumbles". The trick is to know wether you're being used and to limit the amount.  I have read many, many stories of (idiot) foreigners who give all their money to young beautiful Filipina woman who's 30 or more years younger and they were seduced by their beauty and charms.  Then, after the money is gone, bye-bye!  The foreigner then has nothing...really?  I have no respect, at all, for men or woman that are stupid.  Unless your Jesus Christ, giving all you wealth to someone is ludicrous.  In short, who cares!  Most of we foreigners came to the Philippines to be "USED", or at least I did...Please "USE ME" and give me what I want!  That being stated, this post topic wasn't really about being used by young Filipina's it "was" about being "used" in general.  I agree with some comments above about being a foreigner and having Filipino's assume your rich and you should pay for everything, but that's up to you, it's not like it's a law or anything.  Either let yourself be used, or don't!  It's up to you.  I have no problem paying for things because I'm a BTO and I like it!  But, I have money..if you don't then don't waste it...

When I was dating Filipinas, I felt or was 'used'.  However, this experience is no different than dating relationships in other Asian countries, including my USA.  I dated women in Viet Nam who would ask for a house in Saigon district one, so the monetary costs in the Philippines are much smaller.

There is no doubt cultural conflict or 'lost in translation' in my experience living in Baguio.  My own experience with my Filipina fiancee-wife arises more from cultural differences.  Her siblings are all employed, and her brother is colonel in the National Police. This is upper middle-class family relative to the basic personal incomes of the Philippines.  So there is never any material exploitation; however, my wife is very deferential to her older brother and father.  That does create emotional tension.

Paul

If you want to avoid being used, how about you start by looking for a woman of high integrity, or at least one who works who does not need to borrow money or seek any other gains from having a foreigner boyfriend/partner.

(call me crazy, but that's just common sense as far as i am concerned.)

but hey, if you enjoy being used by younger girls, or even older woman of some kind, that is a separate issue.

i think you need to work that out with yourself before investing your time and effort into whatever constitutes as a relationship for you.

Being used is easy and for fools that fall into that trap? No sympathy, what's the old saying? "Fools rush in".

Cheers, Steve.

@whackerdog123  BTO?

@Dane Juju

You are Dane.  OK.  I am Santa Claus.  And here is my gift to anyone/everyone in the Philippines. or considering going there:

1)  AVOID OTHER 'EXPATS'

The vast majority of 'expats' you find in the Philippines are alcoholics.  They stay there in order to evade the... 'problems' that causes, elsewhere.

Remember:  You went there to get AWAY from (Americans?), not to find them.  Be very cautious with other 'expats,' ... or learn, the hard way.

2)  NEVER settle in the place where your woman's family is.

Philippine people are very connected to their families.  In a world where cronyism is the only way to get a decent job;  where there are no nursing homes, family, is of the essence.

If your woman's family is not present they can not ask your woman to help them shake a few American dollars out of her Kano...      and I really don't think you want to put her in a position where she has to choose between you, and her family.  Avoid that, at all costs.  It could end your relationship, real easy.

@Wellsfry i

It means "Big Time Operator"

I guess I must have found the only beautiful, 30 years younger than me, woman in the Philippines.  I really feel sorry for the rest of you, and this to Dane JuJu..WTF are you talking about.  Please tell me where you got the statistics that most expats are alcoholics.  If you are going to spew stats, at least tell the people on this website where you got them.  Also, and I'm just speaking for myself, I didn't come to the Philippines to get away from the US.  It's less expensive, the girls, per capita, are much prettier and the Philippines has some of the nicest beach's in the world.  I can't be the only one who came here for those reasons!

I've only met three expats in the 15 months I've been here. One is an American who is a braggart and an a-hole so we don't get along. One is an Englishman I met briefly at the market and he seemed OK. The other is an Australian who is building a house in the mountains and wanted to know who did our tile work. He also wants to hire me to install his split air conditioners. I told him to pay me in alcohol since I'm an American. I only met him once and he seems like a nice enough fellow.

My wife's folks live in a bungalow we built for them on the back of the property along with two nephews and a niece. One nephew and the niece are in high school and the other nephew is in his 3rd year of college on my dime. I volunteered to put all my nieces and nephews through college. It is very cheap and will pay off in the long run when they are all self supporting. They are very handy as baby sitters, dog sitters, clean up crews and security guards when we travel. In the province it is unthinkable to just lock the doors and go away leaving the property unattended.

My father in law started a piggery on a property he owns paid for by his other daughter. My wife has her own income and she spends it however she pleases but we both agreed that neither of us will contribute to the piggery so we won't expect a share from the sale of the pigs. The most we do is save our food scraps for pig feed.

Not to insult or point the finger at anyone.

(1) When an Expat is 20+ years older than his Filipina partner.

(2) When they do not share a common communicative language.

(3) When there is disparity in prior livable income.

(4) When there is a disparity in education.

(5) When they don't share cultures.

(6) When they not married.

(7) When she has children by by you.

(8) When you are a mail order (internet) couple before meeting.

(9) When you believe it's less expensive than your past lifestyle.

(10) When there is a disparity in looks and physical appearance.

Brother you may be used.

I have not met any alcoholic or drug addicted expats in Ilocos Sur.  I have met three Brits, four Americans, a Canadian, an Australian and a Dane.  All have Filipina wives or girlfriends, have never seen any of them have more than two drinks at any of our monthly social functions.  They add to my knowledge and appreciation of the local culture.

@mugteck I am same... except an older guy(80) from UK that is always drunk at our meet ups...and he has 3 kids and a filipina he has been with for 25 years... he is ex military with a thousand stories... has a nice home... and seams like good relationship with his wife... just gets LOADED  every time when we have weekly meets at another expats resort bar... all the other guys like myself have a couple social beers... talk and hang out... I always learn something new and useful... so I highly recommend finding a good group of expats.... you won't be sorry.

I’m an older Australian and learnt the hard way in relationships with much younger Filipina. Yes it works when there is something in it for both parties, but you have to keep a lid on it because things change. All the reasons of financial stability, genetics, etc for the Filipina have already been discussed at length here so I won’t duplicate.

What no one here has yet talked about is what happens if you bring your much younger or just younger Filipina back to your country. Statistics here are that most such marriages fail. And it usually happens immediately after the Filipina gets her citizenship, which is why the government has extended citizenship availability from 2 to 3 years after applying, and made it much harder and more expensive to get a marriage visa. It is a devastating experience because then the wife through her solicitor (called a lawyer in the Philippines) generally demands half of all the man’s assets. And don’t think that a prenuptial agreement is the answer. My solicitor says they aren’t worth the paper they are written on. They can all be contested, and if you have a kid with her then you have no chance. From my several bad experiences I found that it is best not to bring your Filipina back to your country.

The other thing is her family. If they are poor of course they will expect support just as they expect from their daughter. That’s what kids are for and is their tradition. In the Philippines there is no universal government financial benefits like pension, unemployment benefits, sick pay, maternity leave, etc like in developed countries, only if you are an employee with the government or a registered tax paying company where the employer is required to contribute to their employees Social Security System (SSS), Home Development Fund (HDMF), and PhilHealth but there is no guarantee of a job and is not as much to also help parents and other family members. So the supposedly rich foreigner is expected to help. If she or her parents are well off then you won’t have to provide but is only realistic for a not big age difference.

I got over the problem by buying a house in Baguio. Yes foreigners can legally have a house and land in the Philippines but it’s not simple and requires some trust. If my girl lives in a nice house with a stable address, eats good food, doesn’t have to stress about money, has the prospect of a great inheritance, has relatively easy access to her family unlike living in a foreign country, why would she leave if I treat her well? If she does It won’t take long to replace her. And when you return to your country you can take her with you on a tourist visa so she is with you all the time and especially not left to find a local Filipino her own age.

And I don’t believe in marriage. There is no divorce in the Philippines so will be a problem if she leaves. There is no financial benefit to be married like when you are working in your own country where you can split incomes to reduce tax, etc. I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me who I’m living with.

Another thing not talked about. Doesn’t happen often but does happen in the Philippines so you better be aware of it. Mostly likely you eat at home, at least some of the time, and your partner does the cooking. If she gets tired of you but hangs in there for the easy living and the inheritance, especially you get older and need looking after, are you aware that it is not uncommon in the Philippines to be slowly poisoned to death with the cooking?

That’s the price of a trophy partner. Best enjoy it for what it is and not fall in love.

I turn 60 next May, and she is 40.  I work in Southern California.  She worked as nurse who has a wide social network of health professionals.

My insights (and response to these intimate thoughts shared here) without judgment. 

1. Intimate relationships are extremely complex.  We all can learn to rebuild a car engine, but there is no relationship manual.
2. I am on my 3rd marriage and trained professionally in psychology.
3. My brother spent 1M dollars on legal costs over 10-15 years, because his wife had multiple affairs and sued him for hefty alimony and child support.  In other words, our own peer citizens can used and exploited one another -- to much higher scale of costs.
4. Before I met my wife, I dated women in Thailand, Viet Nam, Philippines, Indonesia, Japan, Malaysia.  They all wanted something materials (big) from me.  Here is the truth, a professor in Viet Nam earns $200 a month with a PhD degree.  They all want nice things that I or you see as basic stuffs in our own countries.  I don't blame these nationals.  Filipinos (and Vietnamese) have a much higher exposure to Western lifestyle materials because they are more western and speak English.
5. What works for me? My wife has high integrity.  She protects our finances very well.  We agree that she will not relocate to the U.S. (we are applying for her permanent residency and then passport).  She fully understands her/our lifestyles in the Philippines are 100x greater than quality of life in US.  Although she has relatives working as professionals all over the world, they don't have a lot of extra savings.
6. Decision to build a family house in Baguio: her brother contributes 1.5M and I finance the rest. There will be 7 rooms (entire floor 3 for me and wife) with views of pine trees of Baguio. The other rooms are for her 2 sisters and brother.  They all have jobs and houses in Laguna, Zambales, and Prince Edwards (Canada).  These folks are not rich, but intelligent, hard-working nationals. They have never asked me for me, or gifts, etc.
7. There is cultural tension in our relationship most having to deal with her retired parents (mid-70s in age).  But in a weird tension: her mother refuses the idea of us hiring a domestic helper.  Huh?  She wants to do the housework herself.

My views:  I am lucky as luck does determine the fate of relationship.  Staying in Philippines keeps all fantasies about a rich life in US out of her minds.  She knows, as you know, at 57-58 pesos per US dollar, in the Philippines we can enjoy literally everything the US has to offer (minus the violence, and racism etc.). 

Now -- Filipinos are absolutely not industrious like Viet or Thai. However, they work hard when they do. 

Wish you all the best in meeting and sustaining a nice relationship.

Paul