Has anyone felt like they are being "Used"

I filed for my spousal visa in December of 1994,  sent to Vermont.  From what I have heard the fiancee visa takes less time than a spousal visa, currently less than a year for a fiancee visa but closer to two years for a spousal visa.  In 2017 a local went to the Philippines to meet his future wife and the fiancee visa only took 4 months.

I wonder if anybody on this site went to the Philippines to attend one of the dating events. I have seen you tube videos about them in Cebu and they seem to be popular. Nice locations and plenty of lovely ladies to meet and chat to.
-@Cherryann01

Yes but they are so contrived - that said I've never been to one!

@Lotus Eater

I've often been encouraged to go to a several that were hosted in Makati. Unfortunately, from what i have heard from other gentleman, a lot of the ladies that frequent these are not the ones you would be wanting to entertain for a long-term engagement (meaning some are escorts merely looking for a one-off date).

Do these sorts of events not 'filter' out those who participate based on their intentions to join ?

I'm not sure myself...i've never once in my life participated in these sorts of speed dating occasions.

@kristopherryanwatson

The videos I saw of the dating events in Cebu seem to be a bit different to speed dating. They show the ladies and men mingling but also sat down at tables enjoying a nice meal and chatting. So unless people simply pick up their plates of food and move tables, I imagine the event starts with the couples mingling, talking to different prospective partners before then sitting down to enjoy their meal, presumably sat next to somebody that you chatted to before and clicked with. There were a few couples around each table though.

@Cherryann01

That's nice. it seems like these sorts of events actually have an agenda - which i think facilitates for couples to actually get to know each other over a chain of events for the evening, rather than just sitting at a random table, having a lady sit down with you for 5 minutes and talk to you about themselves before they rotate elsewhere (this is my belief of how these speed dating events play out).

If you think you're not being used, run out of money. Then come talk to me. Of course, you're being used. Filipina women don't go for broke old foreigners. Wake up and smell the coffee.

@Lat61

I think that is a generalisation as illustrated by the two Dumaguete vloggers, Paul Mcgill (Old Dog New Tricks) & Mark Thornton (Everyman has a story).

Both came to the Philippines with minimal savings and assets. Both rely on the US state pension. Both are now in settled relationships and to all intents and purposes as happy as sandboys.

In the immortal words of Bill Withers:

"My friends feel it's their appointed duty

They keep trying to tell me all you want to do is use me

But my answer yeah to all that use me stuff

Is I want to spread the news, that if it feels this good getting used,

Oh you just keep on using me.... until you use me up"

@Lotus Eater Actually Sunshine Shoulders vloged about these Abnormal relationships.

Mark Thornton says his wife loves him. That he didn't come to the Philippines for a relationship. But being the world traveler that he says he is, I call BS. Hes lying because he has 2 grown daughters older than his child bride. While old dog Paul McGill won't get married and calls his 30 some year old wife Baby Mae. But Paul lies about his channel purpose. He says it's a "personal " diary. BS then why vlog rent prices.

@Lat61

They both came out to the Philippines on a flyer with no financial reserves to speak of. That takes some nous. Paul Mcgill has been open and frank about his past. Not many guys would open up like that on a public forum, especially the internet. He went through a difficult time with his wife and progeny one of which served (is serving) time in a US jail.

He did state he was not looking for a personal relationship on his arrival in the Philippines - he just wanted to make a clean break and start over where his US pension would stretch further and allow him to live out a comfortable existence for his remaining years. Its easy when you're 21 and have your whole life ahead of you but more of a challenge to uproot yourself from a country you have lived in since birth.

For sure he is supplementing his income with his youtube vlog and deservedly making some extra cash. So he is single and does not wish to get married. Neither do I. Guilty as charged. His excuse was that he was married to a bipolar woman. I don't have an excuse other than my father went through two divorces and I'm a carbon copy of him.

Perhaps I detect a certain envy on your part that he & Mark have achieved something you could only dream about?

@Lotus Eater Wasn't criticizing Paul choice in women just compare and contrast with Mark. No any decent expat could get a woman like Mark's. Just giving my 2 cents worth and calling out BS when I see it. Plus a few digs at stick up 🍑 Mark.

@Lat61

is it possible you may just have low standards ?

of course not all women are like that. quite a few are very hardworking, professional, and have high integrity complimented with a pallet of many morals. it all depends on where you're looking and the type of woman you're looking for to meet your needs. 

@kristopherryanwatson Your talking about the exception not the rule. Most Expats moving to the Philippines or looking for a wife on vacation are not that sophisticated. Most are older retirees, many of whom are overweight and or not in great financial shape. From looking at your photo you seem to be much younger, in shape and professional type. Next time you're on a plane flying to or from the Philippines look around you at all the western men. Not our best and brightest. Imagine a similar plane with lots of leftover Filipino men flying to the west to cherry pick our women. I'm sure that would go over well with the MAGA crowd let alone the vast majority of us. Average at best men fly to the Philippines and are treated like rock stars. After a while many get big headed and believe the fantasy themselves and spend their monies a little too freely. Then when they get low on funds or taken advantage of financially then cry foul. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Because when you eat it, the cake disappears.

@Lat61

thanks for the kind observation. I am 42 but have been repeatedly told that i look like i am in my early 30's!

by all accounts, i do not fit that demographic you brought to mention but i do agree with you on the general profile of 90% of expats who ive here. i am probably one of the very few who by all factors, decided to be here when i still have at least a 20-30 years ahead of me to reap the rewards of work and experience.

Also, if you really think your much younger beautiful Filipina wife is truly in love with you, bring her to the West. Let her work, drive and allow personal freedom. And when you do all that, I wish you the best of luck. You might not lose her if you are financially secure, but you might also be sharing her with strangers.

I suspect many seasoned Forum members are thinking that this thread has a certain Deja Vu feel to it.

True but it is central to the Philippine story and regularly pops up for good reasons.

I think its worth stepping back and like many things in life looking at the bigger picture. The phrase quality of life is an oft used cliché but one that many citizens of wealthy western countries currently do not enjoy.

Is it not a supreme irony that the vast majority of expats who have made their home in the Philippines are happier here in their 60’s than when in the prime of their life in their 40’s in their domiciled country?

Ok you will say that they are the losers who could did not make the ‘cut’ of the ‘American dream’ with all the stress that entails.The majority of expats are of pensionable age simply because they could not afford to exit the rat race prior to this. Many expats here in the Philippines in their 40’s Stateside will have been looked on as success stories with the wife and 2 kids ‘Honey I’m Home’ lifestyle - oh and lets not forget the mortgage and car repayments, college fees and the 8-6 working day and grinding commute. (Many non US citizens will be surprised that they only get 2 weeks holiday (if employed) per year.) In the UK its 5 weeks. I get zilch as I am a self employed consultant - tks for the sympathy guys As I have said in a previous post 50% of American & British marriages end in divorce. They say that divorcing an American woman is marginally worse than dying..

True one could argue as I have that those men are not perhaps the right marriage material and that the 50% of happily married American couples in their 60’s are the ‘winners’. Really? I suspect that (forgive my realistic cynicism) many of those will be in trapped relationships and just go through the motions. The only thing they have left in common is that they live under the same roof.

Paul (Old Dog New Tricks) to use as an expat example was one of those ‘success’ stories earlier in life before the ‘American dream’ turned on him. He now has a 3 year relationship with a 35 year old Filipina. Not some ex hooker from a bar that you (Lat 61) have in mind when you make your sweeping statements above. Hookers are not ‘fall in love’ material and unfortunately as you quite rightly point out some hubristic foreigners will be sucked (literally lol) into a false sense of security.

The lifestyle that people ‘enjoy’ in the west has metamorphosed in the last 25 years or so. People don’t have jobs for life. That is now true for many in a relationship. Men are lucky in that at 60 they can still be attractive to younger women anywhere in the world. Many Filipina’s genuinely find western men more desirable than their Filipino male counterparts and often money as illustrated by the two vloggers Paul & Mark is not the reason.

Omo:

Financial Capacity of a foreigner may not be the MAIN reason on your better halves decision making process....but mark my words it's still one of them & you are expected to be a good and dependable provider..."A True Man"...err did I say ATM!!!

I never inferred any Expats are married to bar girls. And I'm not saying they're categorically losers, just able to marry a younger "higher quality" woman than in their homeland. That "love" for an old expat is bargain that many Filipina make for a better lifestyle. An exchange that can benefit both sides.

As Sunshine Shoulders vlogs. It's a game seasoned Expats play. She pretends to love you and you pretend to believe her.

Really not that different then a majority of US marriages.  Woman here just more honest about it. At least you know what you have. Don’t have to waste 15-20 years and half your stuff living the lie most American women perpetuate. @Lat61

@laymanm65 😄 haha True in many cases. A hard truth most people run from. Very few marry their "soul mates" But it's much better pretending in the Philippines than living a life of quite desperation in the west with an old hag.

Well summarizing in my mind, some things are half right, somethings are delusional and lots of things are opinions, some things were dumb decisions made by Expats.

Yes in UK & the States 50% of marriages fail for various reasons, mine failed because my wife & I were too young.

How can a marriage fail if there is seldom a marriage in the Philippines?

Why are there not any May/December marriages or shacking up among Filipinos?

Many Expats are Expats because they are running away from something.

Many Expats are chasing a delusion.

Many Expats are not your normal everyday person in their own country. My opinion is based on many of their posts on this forum.

Why are there not any single UK or American Woman in the Philippines by choice?

I listed some of the reasons above.

Well summarizing in my mind, some things are half right, somethings are delusional and lots of things are opinions, some things were dumb decisions made by Expats.
Yes in UK & the States 50% of marriages fail for various reasons, mine failed because my wife & I were too young.

How can a marriage fail if there is seldom a marriage in the Philippines?

Why are there not any May/December marriages or shacking up among Filipinos?

Many Expats are Expats because they are running away from something.

Many Expats are chasing a delusion.

Many Expats are not your normal everyday person in their own country. My opinion is based on many of their posts on this forum.

Why are there not any single UK or American Woman in the Philippines by choice?

I listed some of the reasons above.
-@Enzyte Bob

Two reasons spring to mind besides what you have listed above. Job opportunities, quite a few single American/European women in Thailand, Vietnam, etc teaching. The second reason I would imagine is the threat or perceived threat of danger.

@Cherryann01 Small 🍆.hahaha

@Lat61

haha the smallest in the ASEAN. No wonder they like and prefer Western variations.