Being a parent in a foreign country can mean many things. Exciting, fun, scary, full of surprises... The list of adjectives here can go in all sorts of different directions. But while there is usually quite a bit of information and support facilities for women who seek support in parenting abroad, the options for expat fathers are rather limited. So, we thought we'd look behind the scenes at what it's like to be a father abroad – and where to look for help if you need it.
The challenges of fatherhood as an expat
Now, there are a number of challenges that an expat father would face. What exactly those challenges will be depends on a lot of things, from job to location.
Moving to a new country always comes with a set of nuances one never knew existed back home. You will be adjusting to a different way of life, learning a new language, customs, and social norms. Expat parents may be dealing with an additional burden on top of it all: they need to maintain a role of stable and supportive figures in their children's lives. Expat fathers may be particularly vulnerable in this case.
Cultural adjustments may also affect father-child relationships and parenting styles. For instance, in some cultures, fathers are expected to be involved in their children's day-to-day lives. Yet in other more traditional household setups, a father's primary responsibility may be providing for the family, and spending time with children may be considered an "extra". These expectations are often reflected in the respected country's parental leave policies - leaving expat fathers seeking to balance new expectations with their own parenting styles
Balancing life and work is yet another challenge. This problem is universal for most families, but for expat fathers, it can be even more demanding. Expats often move abroad for career opportunities — and this sometimes comes with high expectations and long working hours. The professional pressure may take its toll on family life. Additionally, the physical and mental demands of a new working and living environment can have them feeling stretched thin, struggling to rebuild lost balance.
If you are moving abroad as a single father, all the challenges we've mentioned above will most likely double. Not having a partner to share responsibilities with means you will need to seek support outside your family. And while initially challenging, this can actually be a step in the right direction – reaching out for help can speed up your integration into the local community.
How to deal with being a long distance dad
Sometimes, fathers may find themselves in an even more complicated situation—they may need to move abroad without their children. This can happen for several reasons and, needless to say, can take quite a toll on a family. If you find yourself in a situation like this, you will have no choice but to turn to digital communication tools. Fortunately, there are now lots of ways to stay in touch with loved ones back home.
First, you have platforms like Zoom, Skype, and FaceTime. True, these may have mostly work connotations, but you can easily use any of these tools to video call your kids back home. For young children, this can actually be an interesting experience. Or, you could even make it into a game. Keeping it fun and creative can be a great way to manage a complicated situation like this.
Second, it's important to stay involved in your child's life and upbringing, even if you are away for a short time. This will make the separation period go faster and help you avoid "gaps" in your child's life. It will also help your partner — you will still share your responsibilities remotely.
It could also be helpful to create shared experiences, even through a distance. For example, organizing weekend movie nights or following a Netflix show together can be a fun way to build memories.
The workplace today is often much more flexible than it was even several years ago. There may be a way to negotiate an arrangement with your employer that will allow you to travel home more often to see your family.
How can expat fathers find support
While expat fathers may be facing a number of challenges in their life abroad, being proactive about finding solutions to these challenges can be a confident way forward. Here are a few strategies to consider:
Talk to your employer
Parental leave policies are different in every country. While Norway, Sweden, Iceland, Estonia, France, and others have fully embraced paternity leave, expat fathers may often find themselves in destinations that haven't. If you are employed by an international company, this could be negotiable. Consider talking to your employer to discuss paternity leave options after relocation.
Thomas' company assigned him to relocate to Shanghai from Berlin right after the birth of his son. “I took some time to weigh all the pros and cons. I even had that yellow notepad out. I was excited to live in Shanghai, and it was the right thing for my career. But I knew that China was famous for its overtime culture, and I didn't want to miss out on the time with my son. I talked to my manager, and we were able to negotiate a plan that worked for me and the company. Without it, I don't think I would have agreed to relocate”.
Seek support from expat communities
Expat communities and groups can be a real lifeline for the newly relocated. Many of these communities "meet up" online on platforms like Facebook, Reddit, Telegram, and WhatsApp chats.
Connecting with other expat families is not just about finding people who speak your language. It's more about building a support network with others who understand the unique challenges of raising children in a foreign country.
Apart from giving you a sense of belonging, these communities can be a valuable source of information and assistance. They can provide information on the best kindergartens and schools, recommend babysitting services, and more. Moreover, expat parents can often pull resources to help each other out in tough times: for instance, organizing play dates, picking up children from school, and so on.
Marta and Vitalliy moved to Türkiye in 2022 without much prior planning. And to make matters even more complicated, Vitaliy had to move first, with Marta's relocation delayed by work. "My first two months with two children in Antalya were pure chaos. I didn't speak the language and had no idea where to start. I was saved by a Telegram channel for Russian expats. I asked way too many questions, some of them (as I know now) rather silly. But everyone in the group was very helpful, and I can't thank them enough for helping me during that time."
Schools and PTAs
If your child is enrolled in school in your new destination, it can be a great source of support. A lot of schools, especially international ones, have a variety of services for both parents and children. For instance, you may find facilities for helping children adjust to a new environment, which can take some burden off you as a parent.
Joining the PTA can also be a strategic move to connect with other parents and tap into the communal pool of resources. There is also a chance you will meet fathers in similar situations to yours and exchange information, ideas, and help.
Embassy and consulate
Your country's embassy or consulate can be another helpful resource. They can be especially useful if you need information about the laws in your new destination, want to learn your rights as a parent, get emergency contacts, or participate in networking events to connect with fellow expat fathers.
Sports or hobby groups
A lot of children-related activities are often organized or supervised by mothers. So, if you are looking to meet fellow expat fathers, you have a higher chance of doing so at sports events, camping outings, and similar father-friendly activities. Connecting with other fathers can be very helpful in navigating the new parenting environment you've found yourself in.
David relocated to Shenzhen from Manchester with his wife and ten-year-old son. "I was lucky to have my wife, who speaks fluent Chinese, by my side. She made all the arrangements when we arrived. I felt very relieved but also left out. I was working long hours – but felt useless outside of work. I couldn't even order food or take my son to school. But then I found a rugby club run by another UK expat. My son and I signed up and started going every weekend. We both made friends, and I've connected with other fathers who gave me more ideas for family activities where my language skills are not a problem".
Professional help
Moving to a new country is a really complicated experience. It may not look complicated at first, but as you start to settle in, so do the problems, fears, and concerns. The best way to prepare for what's to come is to seek professional support "on dry land" - before you relocate.
For example, talking to a therapist about adaptation strategies can help you adjust to a new environment faster and become more proactive. This means that you may start building new connections and support networks faster – which can be of tremendous help when parenting abroad.
Talking to a relocation consultant can also be invaluable. Learning about your new destination, its rules and customs, and getting some insider information will make the whole experience feel more organic and help you manage stress levels. As a result, you will feel mentally prepared for what's to come. And this is often what parents struggle with during the first few months of adaptation.
Finally, take some time to connect with expats already on the spot before you make the move (if this is an option). Expat forums such as Expat.com can be a great source of information. You can ask any questions you have (for example, about parental leave options) and get genuine, real-life answers from people who have direct experience with a situation like yours.
