Should expat couples share everything, including friends?
The friendship issue can be tricky within a couple. At first glance, sharing everything seems the simplest solution. This approach naturally becomes the norm in a new life abroad, where the couple serves as an anchor. Your partner and you become the new, secure family unit. While finding your bearings in the host country, you play a crucial role in your partner's life. You represent the country you've left behind, the memories, but also the expatriation project, the future, and the new acquaintances.
When living in a foreign country, couples often spontaneously share their discoveries and new contacts. Work colleagues, neighbors, or sports club members may become friends—whom you introduce to your partner, integrating them into your new daily life. Understandably, couples might initially "retreat" into this circle of shared friends. Remember, making friends isn't easy, especially in a foreign setting where cultural and/or linguistic barriers can complicate relationships. The very notion of friendship varies across cultures. When one partner manages to make a few friends, they naturally introduce them to their significant other.
However, sharing everything might lead to a scenario of an "expat couple with their friends"—a peculiar notion, yet quite accurate. The circle of friends becomes so integral that it forms part of the expat couple's identity.
Having your own social circle helps you enjoy your own expat experience
Every international relocation experience is unique. Even if you moved as a couple, you do not experience life in a foreign country in the same way as your partner. Each of you will feel things differently, based on your personality and experiences. The importance the couple places on their common circle of friends is clear, but remembering and respecting each other's differences is just as crucial. You and your partner are not the same person. The reasons they appreciate you might not be the same reasons your friends do.
Also, remember that moving to a foreign country can change personalities, sometimes deeply. The necessary adaptation prompts self-reflection, which is why expat life tends to put a relationship to the test. Factors that are ideal for bonding can also create distance.
Having your own friends will avoid you losing your identity
Having your own circle of friends helps you maintain your identity outside of the relationship, which, in turn, helps protect it. Your love for your partner won't cease because you're not friendly with their new acquaintances. On the contrary, be happy about what your partner is building in the host country outside of your relationship. Developing your own circle of friends is vital for existing as a full-fledged individual. Constant talk of the "couple" can lead to a loss of individual identity. While symbiotic relationships exist, they are not the only form of "couple." Even symbiotic couples need space.
Building separate friendships based on socialization contexts
Enjoying your expat life to the fullest involves placing the couple in a new context: life in a foreign country, a new neighborhood, a new work environment, new activities, etc. Each of these settings provides socialization opportunities for each partner. A friend circle can develop in each of these contexts, and these circles do not necessarily need to merge. Many expatriates develop friend circles based on the context of socialization/location. An expat might do certain activities with work friends and others with neighborhood or club friends.
Expat couples and friend circles: A matter of balance
Contrary to popular belief, your friends do not have to get along with your partner. Of course, you hope your friends will like your partner based on the noble principle that if they like you, they should also like your significant other. However, consider how you present yourself to new acquaintances and how you behave in the host country. Have you found people with whom you share activities you don't do with your partner?
Developing your own circle of friends will boost your self-confidence, especially if you tend to let your partner handle things (like paperwork in the host country, introductions to new neighbors, etc.). However, avoid the opposite extreme. A confident friend should not replace your partner. The same caution applies to friends you frequently do activities with but almost never with your partner. They will quickly notice this shift and may feel jealous of your new friends.
Make it a habit to discuss your relationship with your life in the host country regularly. Do you feel fulfilled? Have you managed to exist outside of the couple, or are you experiencing expat life solely through your partner's eyes? Developing your social circle will help you feel better about yourself and your relationship. It's all about balance.
