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HELP: Met someone in the DR and I don't know what his intentions are

Last activity 17 June 2022 by planner

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travellinglady1429
Hello to everyone,

This is my first time posting on a forum, desperate measures as I scour the internet to find out whether the intentions of the man I met in the DR are authentic or not.

I vacationed to Punta Cana with a friend of mine about 3 months ago and met a resort worker and his friend. The resort worker expressed a lot of interest in me. I was attracted to him but told him that I wasn't looking for anything and did not want to hook up. He was respectful about it and we remained friends with them (the worker's friend made it very clear he did not consider us friends as he was attracted to both of us, a fact that changed by the end of the trip when we achieved friendship approval. The guy I'm talking to labelled my friend as his friend from the beginning but said that he could not call me that because it would be lying). By the end of the trip we shared a kiss on my last night before I went home but no more than that happened.

During the entire trip I spent every day with him, I'd hang out with him at the workers station, we would take cabs the four of us to go clubbing after they were done working. We insisted on paying for the cabs there and back as a thank you for taking us out and showing us around, however I made it clear we weren't paying for any of their alcohol and they gladly bought it themselves.

He and I have been FaceTiming and texting since I got back and I have booked a return trip to go visit him four months from now with a friend of mine. We are staying on resort for a few days and then renting an airbnb for him to stay with us in, it's inside a gated community and there's lots of security so I'm not worried about that aspect of things. I made it clear that although I payed for the apartment rental I'm not buying him food or drinks and taxis will be split evenly this time around because I'm on a budget. He said no problem at all and even seemed a bit insulted that I would insinuate him not paying for things.

He has been very blunt from the beginning that he thinks I'm the one for him. We talk a lot about personal interests and commonalities such as music, tv shows, movies, video games, etc. and sometimes spend 4 hours just talking about life and laughing really hard together. I feel a genuine connection with this person and do think I would be ready to dive in and give it my all when I go back but I'm trying to be cautious. I am 22 and he is 23 just to be clear that there is not a huge age gap. Also, I am quite pretty and I would say our level of attractiveness definitely matches.

We've had the uncomfortable discussions and addressed the elephants in the room such as visas and stuff like that. He was honest at wanting to provide me with the best life possible and that was in his opinion by moving out of the country. I was blunt with him and I told him that if he was looking to leave his country but not interested in me long term that he should let me know now. I told him I would still help him get a visa because I care about him as a friend and I think he deserves an opportunity for great things in life but that I would not want my feelings to be toyed with in the process because to me it is a lack of respect. He said he completely understands but that if he had wanted a visa just for the sake of getting one he would have done so long ago as many older, rich white ladies have offered them to him on the resorts he's worked at throughout the years. When I asked why he never accepted the offers he said he had friends around him who had accepted the offers throughout the years then left the women after living in their countries for a year and he saw the disastrous affect it had on the women so he vowed he could never do that to another human being.

He claims that before meeting me he had settled on the idea of working on resorts forever and getting money from women to sleep with them to make ends meet and just enjoying the bachelor lifestyle because he thought there was no one out there for him that matched his energy and that he truly wanted to build a life with. He says he was in a relationship with a girl he met on the last resort he worked at for 2 years and it ended about a year and a half ago. He claims she cheated and he was afraid to get hurt again so he decided not to go looking for another relationship.

He texts me during every break he has, he tells me every time he's approached at the resort by another woman and how he tells them he has a girlfriend in Canada and isn't interested, and when he goes home for his time off he plays video games all day and watches TV and face times me. I was open about my insecurity regarding infidelity because I've heard it's a popular thing in the DR (but then again I guess infidelity is a popular thing anywhere to be honest) and he told me bluntly that had he wanted to cheat he could've by now but he hasn't (again, it could just be talk).

When we discussed our future together, he says he definitely would see me moving to the DR first as a way of testing out the relationship for a couple years to make sure it's what we both want. I told him I agree because I'm not looking to get married and have kids until at least my late 20s. He said he understood but he also talks about a lot of long term stuff like travelling together, kids, etc. (I'm unsure whether this is a cultural thing?).  He apologized for his talk about the future all the time and realized how it could scare me. The thing is he's a ridiculously honest person, to the point where he brazenly points out my insecurities but not in a mean way, like through compliments. For instance I'm insecure about being a curvier woman but he pointed out that I have the sexiest stomach rolls when I'm sitting and that it's something he loves about me.

Also, he did end up in the hospital after I left. He sent me updates regarding the process but never once asked me for money or anything like that, just vented that he was frustrated he had to take time off work. Plus, we recently discussed how he could in fact travel to other countries. He said he was pretty sure he could go to other Latin American countries. I told him I always wanted to go and that I have an uncle we could stay with for free but that he'd have to pay for his own plane ticket and food. He said that sounded like a really exciting idea and that he would definitely find a way to save up the money.

Everyone around me is telling me to be cautious and I am trying my very hardest to do so. Another part of me is saying I'm young and if I want to try it out seriously and see where things go I should just give it a chance. My worry is that I've read so many things about Dominican husbands cheating, being abusive, etc. and I dont know what to believe anymore nor what the red flags are. It hasn't been all rosy and good either, we've had disagreements especially regarding cultural beliefs and political opinions but every time those subjects come up we take the time to talk things through calmly and understand one another's perspective. The differences are not so huge that they would be an issue, however.

I don't want it to sound like it's too good to be true, cause it's not. The reality is he's not perfect and neither am I but we're willing to accept those things about each other and learn to love them. I was in a long term relationship of 6 years before this, one that ended about 7 months ago, so it's not as though I am inexperienced or naive when it comes to dating. Obviously I still have a lot left to learn but I definitely have more under my belt than someone my age typically does.

I am currently learning Spanish for when I go back.

Thanks for taking the time to read my long post! :)
ddmcghee
You are right to be cautious, and it seems like you've taken a lot of good steps towards learning his true intentions. I assume he speaks English since you said you're learning Spanish and you indicate that you've had pretty in-depth conversations. Has he introduced you (via facetime) to any of his family? Family is huge here, and if he's serious that you are "the one", then he should be ready to take that step. If he hesitates, that is likely a red flag!

The fact that he hasn't asked for money, even when in the hospital and out of work for a bit, is a good sign. As is his expressed desire to spend your first years together here in DR rather than in Canada. One thing to think about is that if you do move here to be with him, how will you support yourself? How will you obtain residency and a cedula so that you can legally live and work here?

Also, before you hook up with him, I'd request that he have a full STD screening and still use condoms!! It's not clear if he was having sex for money already or just saw that in his future, but either way, you can't be too careful!
planner
Many  red flags here. He has told you who he is.  You did not "change" his life or who he is.  He is a male prostitute.  Listen to him.
travellinglady1429
@ddmcghee He does indeed speak English! The first couple weeks we started FaceTiming he said he wanted me to meet his family right away but it felt really rushed for me so I put the breaks on it. He respected my decision but since then I've said hi to his parents and siblings over FaceTime briefly, his mom will always pop her face into the frame to say a quick hi. He is pretty good at English, not an expert and he still struggles to communicate his ideas and find words but I know quite a few languages and I've always been in tune with people who don't speak English well and so I understand him very well compared to most people, my family for example cannot understand him most of the time.

He has hinted at wanting to rent a car and having me visit his home town when I come back, he says he's told his whole family about me and they're worried he's going to get hurt which I'm not sure why. I discussed the idea briefly of meeting them and his whole face lit up and he got really excited.

If I were to move to the DR I would keep my remote job, I am a freelance content creator with my own marketing company so that would keep me afloat and I would apply for a visitors visa to come live for like 6 months.

I completely agree, an STD test is one of the first things I told him we both have to get. He has admitted to me having sex for money in the past and been very transparent that this is how he has been able to afford the higher end shoes and clothes that he owns. I told him I would get tested too and that we are most definitely using protection, I am too scared not to to be honest!
mrodinel
@travellinglady1429  to my view, you are complicating your life !!! He is a player 100%  and you don't listen to your heart. You feel alone and like the idea that someone is interested about you , you seems ingenious at the same time. To my view. He is playing, contacting you all the time (like He does with everyone).  FYI his old profession is having sex for money (?prostitution). No self respect for yourself.
No good. ?..
travellinglady1429

@planner I completely agree I have not changed his life nor can I change who he is, I do not have a saviour complex. I also would never judge someone for having sex in exchange for money to keep their life afloat within a difficult situation. May I ask what other red flags there are and which ones I should look out for in future conversations?

travellinglady1429

@mrodinel um no his old profession is not a prostitute. He works on a resort and has had women gift him things after having sex, like a lot of resort workers have experienced. I am not lonely, if anything I am perfectly content being single. Maybe I am being played, I don't know. I have friend in the Dominican who do not know him or run in the same circles as him that I have explained the situation to in even more detail than what is listed above and they say that he actually sounds quite genuine. I am getting very mixed reactions, half of everyone says it sounds bad and half of everyone says it sounds good. I have a lot of self respect which is why I am trying to figure things out before I see him again.

Guest2022
We read this type of post all too often.

I live in Dominican society and have younger good looking male family members who typically have multiple partners at the same time. One works in Punta Cana. They confide of their infedelity to others and it is seen as macho.

Now whether your friend is enjoying the chase and sharing his experiences with his friends is for you to decide, but he will be chuffed you are on the hook and returning to his agenda.

My advice is to come and party in PC but don't throw in your heart because doing that ends in only one way 99.9% of the time.

'planner' hits it on the nail!
travellinglady1429

@lennoxnev Fair enough, thank you for your response. May I ask how I would know if he has multiple partners at the same time or if this is something I will just never be able to tell? I am quite naive and unknowing when it comes to this kind of situation, I appreciate everyone's help.

Khailaz
@travellinglady1429



Girl, run! He is after papers and money. Point blank. He is probably grooming you and other females simultaneously to see which one will fall for his trap. I am a Dominican woman and I know my Dominican men. If you need to post about it and need to ask for advice and are unsure THERE IS YOUR ANSWER. This is not a soul mate or a heaven sent man, RUN!! Stay away and cut him off he will ruin your life
travellinglady1429

@Khailaz Thank you for your honesty, I appreciate it.

Tippj
RUN …. And don’t look back…. You really fell  for that line that I I can’t call you a friend because I want to be more than that to you and then you say  , I achieved friendship Status…… Wow lucky you…..just
     RUN  and RUN fast
WillieWeb
Many relationships here are not monogamous..... both from male & female perspectives.

Families/mothers have children by multiple fathers.....
rfmaurone
As a father of daughters, please listen to the good advice here.  Take care. B🙂
Tripp789
Wow. Run away quickly. I don’t care what country you’re in, but especially this one.  I haven’t heard this many danger sirens sounding in years.
Livnthadreem
Interesting post. Not to be judgmental but he’s a tigre. Latin term for player. I have been traveling back and forth and currently live in DR for the past 20 years. Been everywhere there partying and living life. He’s selling plain and simple. I am now happily married to a Dominican woman I met in Santo Domingo. I played a bunch over there and was cautious. Didn’t want to be taken advantage of. I implemented safety measures to determine if the women I was with were playing games. I always told them I planned on permanently moving to DR and didn’t want to live in the states anymore. Told them I would get a job there and retire in a lower middle class area. Example: Villa Mella in Santo Domingo. If all of a sudden you notice the interests dwindles there you have it. May not be immediate but within a few weeks it dwindles. I was fortunate enough to find one that preferred to stay in DR and didn’t want to go to the states as well as being crazy for each other. You’re young, enjoy life. Maybe you should watch the show on TLC 90 day fiancé. It will serve as a very good reference for you. Good luck!
Ian1272
I am going to add my two cents worth here.

First off, long distance relationships are the worst !!!

You will get a much better return on your investment in your time and your heart in dating someone locally to you. From what you have described, you have everything to lose, and he has everything to gain.

Here’s a different way of looking at this situation. Take two steps back. Think of your bestest girlfriend who you care for the most. Now turn the tables.  If this closest girlfriend came to you with the same story how she met a fella while away on vacation in a Caribbean country and was considering moving to the Caribbean to see where it would go with this fella, what advice would you give to your dearest closest friend ?

This same advice that you would give to your friend, you need to give to yourself :)
planner
@Ian that is great advice!
cbrossard
I'd run!

My husband and I are planning to move to the DR and I have done a ton of research and I have read over and over again to look out for situations just. like. this. Specifically if you are a young woman traveling alone or with female friends to a resort. It seems to me that he is smooth, but he is still following the protocol to a T right down to a hospital visit right after you left town. Just because he didn't outright ask for money doesn't mean he wasn't tugging on your heart strings (lamenting about lost wages etc) in hopes that you would offer. And if he is what I fear, then he probably gives the same story to multiple other women and gets his payday from some of them.

Also, in your original post you said that he had settled for "working on resorts forever and getting money from women to sleep with them to make ends meet" but then you said that he uses the money from women he slept with to buy designer clothes... That doesn't sound like 'making ends meet' but maybe that's just me...

Good luck with your decision! And fingers crossed it works out well for you whichever direction you choose!
DRVisitor
I will take a different view as I look at many  Domincans in the "grey" light. They have the feeling the world is better place outside of DR, different culture, different work ethic etc.

Is he a bad person or would be a bad husband - maybe but only time will tell and would take things slowly and at your pace.

You have to do what is right with you and time will show you that. You are young so enjoy life whatever route that takes you.
arisandmarion
I would honestly say follow your heart if you think he is worth it. BUT I would highly suggest you move down there for a few months to see how things are. I married a Dominican I met on vacation in my 20’s over 20 years ago - yes Dominican men have a reputation for being great dads and cheating spouses but not every person is the same. Yes there may be red flags or maybe just honesty.

The biggest thing I see in Dominicans that immigrate to Canada is major cultural gaps - there is a misconception on how good it is here and Canadians don’t understand when they bring someone here how they struggle and how family and friends are not as close here. Resentment starts to build as it is difficult and they don’t understand each other….

Honestly you know how you feel and what you see - if you spend at least a few months living in the DR it will get really hard for him to continue with other women if he is. And if he lies they will start to show (things will pop up). If everything goes well you will know and understand him. Travelling and building a life together would then be based on a stronger foundation. Be cautious and keep your eyes open but if you feel he is the one follow your heart….
Tropical Flower
I am Dominican, my advise is simple. RUN 🏃🏽‍♀️ FOR YOUR LIFE!!
AlaPlaya

@planner I completely agree I have not changed his life nor can I change who he is, I do not have a saviour complex. I also would never judge someone for having sex in exchange for money to keep their life afloat within a difficult situation. May I ask what other red flags there are and which ones I should look out for in future conversations?

- @travellinglady1429

You ask about other red flags. Most people have told you the really obviously ones:
  • Met at a resort in Punta Cana;
  • He has previously slept with women for money;
  • He has previously had a relationship with a woman he met at a resort;
  • Right now this is a long distance relationship;
  • He talks to you nonstop all the time/every chance he can get; and
  • He wants to give you a better life somewhere that isn't the DR.
But I also see red flags with him:
  • Telling you that you are the one for him so quickly/without spending a substantial amount of time together;
  • Wanting to introduce you to his family so quickly (i.e. because he wants you to believe he's so serious/smitten that you have to meet them asap); and
  • Wanting you to rent a car and take you to see his home town (i.e. to meet his family, but also likely to see where they live so in the future it will be easier to ask for money to help them).
If you're serious about him, go and spend a month or two at a time in the Dominican Republic and see how you feel spending time with him regularly. See how he is on a daily basis, and if you can adapt to a lifestyle in a developing country (although if you stay in the Punta Cana area I think it's pretty close to a North American way of life). Generally I think it would be easier for you to adapt to the lifestyle in the Dominican Republic, than it would be for him to adapt to the lifestyle in Canada.

There are some young women in their 20s on Instagram and YouTube that have come down and married Dominican men and seem to have a successful relationships, but they've spent the time in the Dominican Republic, and chosen to live there (at least for now).
Guest2022
What was the 'workers station'?

He couldn't have been much of a useful hotel worker if he could spend all day with the OP at that place? He is obviously well off being able to game and watch television all the time. Most workers from tge country will be sharing a small apartment with the very basics.

A beach boy perhaps? Getting his drinks covered by taking tourists to clubs and bars?

Most hotel workers work long shifts which change from early or late and have little free time. At 23 it is highly unlikely he has any formal hospitality education - a licencia is 4 years minimum and that gets you the front of house better jobs.

Again most hotel workers at the age of 23 will have a basic english proficiency at best wheras a beach boy would have gained proficiency through dating and corresponding with many.

The OP has been hooked very easily and hopefully will wriggle free. I am pleased to read some good and very direct advice from the women posters above.
planner
@alaplaya = well said!
polo1club
Hello to all I have been reading your forum for a long time, thought it might be time to register. Great job all!

As for the travelling lady in DR they call that a Sanky Panky! Listen to the advise run!  Trust me there are ulterior motives there. At 22 just enjoy yourself and go home to fond memories. Can it happen? yes can it be real? Yes but very unlikely. Seen this so many times on my trips to DR. Be very careful! Good luck!
penelope1
RED FLAG. Glad everyone sees it - and you do too if you really think about it. We are all just the reinforcement.
Glauriel
Ahhhhhh RUN! Rent a fast moving vehicle and GET AWAY!!

Sure your sincere and naive but he is anything but....so my gut says!

He's probably done this before, watched it happen from my neighbor female doing this to expat guys. If you fall into this trap you'll end up miserable and SUPPORTING the whole extended family! Its a job many hold, send the young generation out to catch someone then everyone except you lives well....My neighbors did that to me, or tried, sent some young buck over to be my concho and handyman. He tried to sway me over but I knew he had a kid and woman at home. He gave up and tried another who even though she knew she used him! Twisted.

You aren't going to be Cinderella and meet your prince on a DR beach! Relationships take TIME....

Be smart and RUN.....

Best wishes..
Guest2022
@travellinglady1429



Sounds like you need some relationship advice!!
planner
Thats not very nice.  She came here looking for some assistance.
tcantey

@travellinglady1429 definitely a Tigre don’t be fooled not everyone is bad I agree and it is hard to figure out his intentions I had the same problem with the women I’m dating but I live here with her and I lived in Columbia Brazil and I’m good at spotting the cheapies my Spanish is also fluent so can’t speak in codes or very fast but as everyone is telling be extra carful in your situation sad but some of the stories are true about relationships with Dominicans note I said some hopefully your guy is genuine and you found true love I did but as I said I’ve been living here2years and I speak the language be careful my friend all the best terence

carmenllado
Please check a psychological concept called “Love bombing” It is a common manipulation strategy. Second, Nowadays it is possible for a Dominican to emigrate to Canada or US legally. Because of the staff shortage it is easier now to have a contract. Specially in Australia and Canada. Maybe he can explore that option and you can have  a relationship equal to equal once he is there. Good luck!
Stacy ST
I may sound shallow when I say this, but you seem like a very bright and educated woman (your own marketing company), so why would you date a resort worker??  He is likely uneducated to be working at a resort and he probably didn't even finish high school, which is very common here. I agree with everyone that this guy's intentions are not genuine, and even you know that deep down because you took the time to post in this forum. But more importantly, you are better then him!!! Find someone that is more your equal because this guy is nowhere close!! You are still young and I'd hate to see you waisting any more of your time on him!
DRVisitor
To judge someone as a resort worker is not right either as at least he is working rather than doing something which may get him in trouble. His motives may not be good but two wrongs don't make a right in judging him overall.
RoCamilo
You seem to be a smart young lady. Listen to the advice given here. There is a very very small chance he is a good guy and has good intentions. I would not risk being played and hurt for that small chance. I was born and raised in DR. As the youngest of 4 sisters, I promised myself to stay away from Dominican men after seeing how my 3 beautiful sisters were cheated on by their Dominican husbands. Unfortunately, in my country, men grow up thinking having multiple women is a must and a need. You are very young and have your whole life ahead of you. By what I read from you, this guy is not worth your time and energy. RUN!
AlaPlaya
To judge someone as a resort worker is not right either as at least he is working rather than doing something which may get him in trouble. His motives may not be good but two wrongs don't make a right in judging him overall.
- @DRVisitor

I was going to make the same remark. I know several university-educated people that work at resorts because they can make more money than working other jobs (where they would not have the opportunity to earn tips).
Stacy ST
There's a difference between being a resort worker that cleans tables and one that works the front desk. I agree there are educated people that work at a resort, my cousin being one of them, but she works the front desk and would never have the time to hang out at the "workers station" all day. By that description, I take him to be the type cleaning tables and not working the front desk, hence uneducated.
DRVisitor
But why stereotype - to judge someone as uneducated because of the type of job. Many people take work to be able to survive until hopefully they can get to a better place. The uneducated cleaning tables type is more likely to be deceitful than the front desk employee?
Rajko85
Looks like u got a role in "Sanky Panky". GL
planner
And I think this thread has run its course.
Closed

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