Making friends in a new cultural environment, where you don't already have an established network of childhood and work friends and where you also might face a language barrier, can be intimidating. In your quest to find friends in your new home, here are some common mistakes to avoid.
Don't stay in an expat bubble
It's a natural instinct to try to stay in a comfort zone when everything outside of it feels unfamiliar, uncertain and even scary. This is a common experience for many expats after the initial honeymoon phase of excitement and wonder in a new country begins to fade. One comfort bubble they might try to retreat into is the famously called “expat bubble,” a social enclave in which expats interact with only fellow expats.
Over time, this bubble can transform into a gilded cage, limiting your personal growth in your new country. Socially, you might find yourself living there for over a year but having only a handful of friends among other expats, even those from your home country (so it's like you never even moved!). Since expats make up a small fraction of the population of any country, you could miss out on the opportunity to build meaningful friendships with the majority of the population: local residents.
You would miss out on the authentic cultural experience of living in this country. By making friends among locals rather than only among expats, you will gain new cultural perspectives, improve your language skills, pick up new hobbies popular among locals, and discover the hangout spots and eateries that are popular primarily with locals. They will give you tips on how to handle practicalities in the country, such as setting up a business or getting shopping deals that even experienced expats might not know about.
How do you make local friends? For one, try joining a club. One approach is to join a club. Choose one that focuses on a hobby you enjoyed in your home country or a new activity that's popular in your new country. The options are endless: running clubs, hiking clubs in countries with many mountains (e.g., New Zealand, Taiwan), a local amateur football team, book clubs that meet online or in person, paint-and-sip evenings (increasingly popular around the world!), cooking classes, etc.
You could also offer to volunteer, especially if you bring added-value skills as an expat that could be useful in local volunteer groups. When you try out new bars and nightclubs, try to drive outside of expat hubs into towns where more locals live. This way, you might be able to connect with new local friends around a drink or on the dancefloor.
Don't neglect to learn the local language
People are much more likely to warm up to expats who respect their local culture and have made the effort to learn the local language, even if only the basics. Locals often feel excited when foreigners use local slang and are curious to ask about their language-learning journey, which can be a great icebreaker to spark a new friendship.
While you'll undoubtedly meet people who are fluent in English or other major global languages like French and Spanish wherever you go, you might find that locals are more at ease in communicating in their native tongue, especially in informal situations.
For instance, during after-work drinks or a relaxed day at the beach, it might feel unnatural for your group of local friends to switch to English. While they'll likely accommodate you if you're unable to keep up, the conversation tends to flow more naturally and the vibe remains more relaxed in the local language. So much in informal communication is lost in the use of English as a lingua franca or middle-ground language, such as cultural references and jokes (even comic timing!).
Furthermore, communicating in the local language will allow you to expand your circle of local friends beyond young, middle-class English-speaking office workers. By speaking the local language, you could strike up a friendship with the elderly retiree who lives next door or with the middle-aged seamstress who works in your neighborhood.
Let's look at the case of China. 1 million expats live there, according to the 2020 National Census of China, but the British Council classifies the English proficiency of the highly educated population as "low proficiency.” Most skilled jobs in the country do not require fluent English if they are not related to international positions. In this country, expats who speak little to no Chinese would struggle to break out of a small bubble of expats and English-speaking Chinese colleagues when trying to make friends.
Before moving to your expat destination, try learning the basics of the language using an app like Duolingo or Memrise, or, even better, enroll in a class or hire a tutor. These apps now even teach more regional languages, such as Haitian Creole, Swahili and Hungarian. If you are unable to find a tutor for a less commonly spoken language while still in your home country, consider seeking an online tutor through platforms such as Preply and Superprof.
Once you've settled in your expat destination, continue attending evening or weekend language classes. They're likely to be more accessible and affordable there than back home. In some countries, notably Canada, language classes for new expats are even financially sponsored by the government. The more you step out of your comfort zone to connect with locals, the more opportunities you'll have to practice the language in an authentic, immersive setting. As your linguistic skills improve, so will your ability to make even more friends: it is a positively reinforcing cycle.
Don't have an attitude of cultural superiority with local friends
Showing respect for the local culture goes beyond simply learning the language. It's perfectly okay to critique aspects of the local government or culture that you disagree with, and it's natural to feel frustrated or alienated by the differences between your new country and your home. However, it's important to strike a balance. Expressing criticism respectfully is very different from coming across as condescending or dismissive of the entire culture.
If your criticism feels like an attack on the culture as a whole, it may discourage locals from wanting to befriend you. They might see you as a privileged expat who carries an air of cultural superiority. This is particularly important if you're from a more economically developed country living in a less developed one. In such situations, condescending remarks might be seen as colonial or even borderline racist, causing locals to feel uneasy or distrustful and to prefer avoiding you.
So, to build trust and meaningful friendships with locals, avoid making overgeneralized or racially charged statements such as “Everywhere here is dirty and smelly,” “This country isn't as developed as Europe,” “The problem here is that people are lazy” or “People are more cultured back home, it's rare to come across someone who reads here.” These kinds of comments can alienate others and make it harder for you to connect with the community.
If you have a valid critique of the local culture, aim to be specific and use non-inflammatory language. For example, instead of saying “This country isn't as developed as Europe” when you feel frustrated about having to pay cash on the bus, you could simply say, “I wish there was a tap card system on the bus, this is frustrating.” This will allow your local friends to listen to your complaint without feeling that you're undermining their culture or intelligence.
At the same time, be cautious of those who may try to fetishize you because you're a foreigner. Seek friendships where you're appreciated for who you are as a whole person, rather than being seen as an "exotic" individual with an “unusual” accent, “unusual” physical features (e.g., pale skin or Afro hair), or even a prestigious passport or higher expat salary. Respect in friendships between people from different cultural backgrounds should be mutual, without any stereotyping from either side.
Don't get discouraged at the first challenge and isolate yourself
If you struggle to make friends in your first months, don't give up just yet. Sometimes, it takes half a year or even more to fully feel socially at ease in a new country. You might be surprised after a year by how you no longer hesitate to approach people in parties and strike conversations in the local language, and by how much less lonely you feel than at the beginning.
The biggest mistake to avoid is retreating into your shell when you face initial challenges in making friends. Expats may be tempted to rely solely on long-distance friendships with people back home for emotional support once they've withdrawn into that shell, but doing so can block future opportunities to form new friendships where they are. Remember the W-curve model of cultural adaptation: after experiencing the dip of shock and discomfort in the process of adjusting to a new culture, an upward curve of acceptance and integration typically follows, helping to break feelings of isolation.
