Communication in Portuguese - Stranger in a Strange Land

I am going to make this simpler for you....

1.Brazilians, as a whole, tend to suck at listening in their own language, let alone in English.  I speak English and Portuguese fluently.   Upon placing orders, I tend to be very specific. And yet the manage to screw up orders about a 90% clip. 

2.Listening skills are not practiced or spoused here.  So don't take hard upon yourself. When i think listening, i think Detective Columbo, and If I was given a set of instructions or simply a request, my immediate reaction would be : Mr So and So, your asked me about ...... Is this correct ??? 

3.That little trick alone, no one has been using here.  And it gets worse.  They tend to turn the back on you and bring what they think you asked for, only they make assumptions all along, without confirming.  It goes from the counter person way up to professionals.  It's a malaise. 

So, speaking skills nowitstanding, you ought to be very emphatic as to what you want, and if you must, repeat your ask ad nauseum.   

As for why in heavens they blatantly ignore you, i can't pin it.   Maybe there a little sexism in this, but I can't tell one way or the other. 

Most people on food service, and clerks here are awful, as far as people skills go.  There are seldom anyone who is the  :"take charge" type here.  There is no incentive for roll up sleeves and make decisions at the bottom rung.  In fact, some get penalized for taking initiative.   

Out here, the mindset is the plantation mindset. 

People here don't have GST ( Getting shit done ). 

I would devise some tricks, such as speaking slowly and deliberate and asking, do you understand what I| asked you ?  ( Voce entendeu o que lhe pedi  ??).

And if you may, get them to repeat what you just said.   I\ do not care if you wear them down.  Make yourself known and seen.   if you stake your feet, they can't ignore you.  Even at the expense of  yourself being obnoxious. 

Another little trick.....

if you ever watched any speeches given by the Reverend Farrakhan. Yes, the one from the Nation of Islam.  It matters none if you agree with his politics, or rants. His public speaking skills is what you ought to see. 

He is the master of intonation.  As you learn Portuguese, try to built intonation in sentences. or words accordingly.  Not only your words might reverberate, you will stand out.

No offense honey, but being white tattoed, does not mean squat.  You need to stand out. 

And lastly....

It never fails me.

I always show a sense of urgency, and someone who you can't mess with. 

I stare, I pace, I shout my orders.  I am nice, i greet them accordingly, but I am never meek.  I am always business.   I don't drag time with iddle chat, neither with the help, or others by my side. 

And i've seen some people pulling the higher authority here.  Asking for the manager, or the old, "Do you know who you are talking to .  I seldom use those, but I've seen others get away with it. 

If all fails, it pays to be a bitch.   Don't be bashful.

If all else fails, it pays to assume that in any difficult situation, there is some way that I can improve my own behavior to make it better.

That is the way I was trained when I was growing up. My childhood and young adulthood was unimaginably lonely and painful.   As a mature adult, I have learned one subtle improvement, which is that there are maybe 1% or 2% of situations where I need to take devastating action opposing the opposition like a rock, quiet but effective.  Sorta like what is happening in Congress right now.

No behavior is more effective than for a strong man to be humble.

As an immigrant I am ALWAYS deferential here.  This is not my country and I am frankly embarrassed to be an american.

And everyone here loves me, even if they do not always understand me.  Just the other day, I was suddenly realizing that many of the boys in the neighborhood are bleaching their hair blond but I dont see that anywhere else and it suddenly struck me that they are trying to be more like me.

I felt unimaginably proud.

01/06/23 @amsp. I feel your pain.

I look very much like you, sans tats. I speak Portuguese as well as I speak English, and have my whole adult life. But there’s a certain group of Brazilians, not small, who automatically assume that people who look like you and me must not be able to speak Portuguese, and get stuck there. Most of them don’t mean any harm; they just can’t get past the face.

In one recent incident that we still laugh about, my husband and I were in an Uber, and I asked the driver a question. He said to my husband, “What did he say? I don’t speak English.” My husband, confused, answered, “But he asked you in Portuguese.” The driver said, “Oh!”, thought for a minute, and answered the question. He had heard it and understood it, but it was easier for him to believe that he had had an auditory hallucination than that I really spoke to him in Portuguese. Once my husband assured him that he could believe his own ears, he was fine. No doubt, you’re running into some of this, too.

As sprealestatebroker said, a lot of people here in service jobs don’t really listen, as strange as that seems. Making requests that are brief, simple, and clearly enunciated – but always with a smile and a “por favor” – helps. Remember, people working low paying jobs in São Paulo have a totally different life experience from yours; the fact that you share a city doesn’t mean that you don’t live in different worlds. Your guaraná story brought this home to me: honestly, if you and your husband were in our house and asked for a “guaraná sem açúcar”, my husband and I would look at you blankly, too. We don’t drink much guaraná, but in our experience guaraná always has sugar, like milk chocolate always has milk – and that probably goes double for someone who busses into work from a “comunidade” and drinks Guaraná Antartica every day. I see on the Web that you have a guaraná product down there in the Sul-Maravilha without sugar, so in that case I’d just try switching up the words, to something like “guaraná zero açúcar” or “guaraná diet (“DAI-e-tchie”), or a brand name, maybe.

Switching up the words is my usual go-to when I think people don’t understand. When you want someone to do something, verbs are your friends. If “para viagem, por favor” doesn’t always work for you, try, “Coloque para a viagem, por favor” or “Embale para levar, por favor”. I’ve read that one reason Hugh Laurie’s American accent is so convincing when he plays a role that calls for one is that he’s always thinking a few lines ahead, and if an upcoming line has a word that’s given him trouble in the past, he changes it on the fly to a word that’s easier. I find that this works in Portuguese, too.

As apparent foreigners, many people will treat us as “honorary members” of the upper classes which, like it or not, entangles us in the Brazilian social compact. At its most simple, that compact requires acceptable (but almost never outstanding) service upward, and gratitude, affability, and forbearance downward. There’s a strong social taboo against showing too much resentment upward – and an even stronger taboo against showing anger or contempt downward. Losing one’s temper with service people and calling them out in public is universally perceived as “punching downward” and deplored. It lets the team down, and being a draftee on the team rather than a volunteer isn’t an excuse for it. It also reflects poorly on people in the same situation – in this case, other Americans and look-a-likes. Those are two good reasons to avoid it, whatever the provocation. Another one is that you’ll never teach all of Brazil your idea of manners one Brazilian at a time; only madness and heart attacks lie that way. Brazil will never adjust itself to you, so to be happy, you have to find ways to adjust yourself to it.

Stop apologizing for your Portuguese. Your Portuguese is just fine, and getting better all the time, so just talk. When people ask your husband whether you speak Portuguese, don’t react. Just smile and say “Falo, sim.” in a tone that has a strong, unspoken “of course!” in it. When people ignore you, just pretend they’re not and keep talking in an even friendlier way. While Brazilians react very poorly to punching downward, they’re easily disarmed by the “Friendly Brontosaurus”, the affable, smiling, friendly, totally immovable person who is just going to keep chatting them up pleasantly until they do whatever reasonable thing s/he is requesting.

I commend what you’re doing to improve your Portuguese; I wish more expats put in the same effort. It will pay off. I would only recommend two improvements. First, speak more Portuguese at home. If it’s too stressful during the week with your jobs, have “Portuguese Weekends”. In a low-risk, all-Portuguese environment, your husband will be able to help you sharpen your pronunciation and your word choice without embarrassment. Second, listen to good podcasts. If you listen to a lot of good Portuguese, some of it will rub off. And the great thing with a podcast is, if you miss a word or your mind wanders, you can back it up without shame. Both Estadão and Folha have good podcast series. We especially like Folha’s, and particularly “Café da Manhã”, their weekday morning cast on the news of the day. We listen to it at breakfast, Monday through Friday.

Keep up the good work, and stay positive. Any other questions, feel free.

01/06/23 
As an immigrant I am ALWAYS deferential here. This is not my country and I am frankly embarrassed to be an american.
And everyone here loves me, even if they do not always understand me. Just the other day, I was suddenly realizing that many of the boys in the neighborhood are bleaching their hair blond but I dont see that anywhere else and it suddenly struck me that they are trying to be more like me.
I felt unimaginably proud.
-@Inubia

Adolescent boys here in Manaus are bleaching their hair, too, and I doubt that your influence extends this far west -- but you never know. 😉

Your openness and acceptance are the real secrets of your success, and everybody notices -- including those blond boys, who probably get two or three scowls for every smile you give them.  It's great, and I'm sure they appreciate it.  Bravo!

My wife’s cousin in Bahia just bleached his hair platinum and cut it short at the same time. He is mid 20s. I’m not sure what his motivation was.

@amsp

Boa tarde!  I can relate to what you're saying sometimes.  I have been living here in NE João Pessoa since June, 2022. My Brazilian girlfriend says some of the Brazilians are just lazy and assume you don't speak Portuguese because you are a "Gringo."  So, they don't make an effort.  It's easier to just speak with your husband.  We have made agreement, that she always lets me practice and do the talking in public spaces.  When they automatically turn to her, she she says, speak to him.  He understands!  This forces them to deal with me.  Which is both great and challenging as I continue to work on my Portuguese too!  I also try to disarm them upfront.  I am also hard of hearing with hearing aids, so I have a double difficulty!  I just ask people, please speak slowly and and in a loud voice. Then this American can understand you better.  Haha. With a big smile..  Usually, this brings a smile and they try harder to communicate with me.  And generally this works very well. Also, there may be that sexism part too as others have stated.  Even when my girlfriend is the one paying and she has asked for the. bill, they still bring it to me.  Hope this helps in some small way.

A HUGE thank you to the community for your valuable insight.  I see a path forward that will be much less frustrating and antagonistic. 

I don’t have much trouble. I guess it’s because they realize I’m on a remedial level and take pity on me.

i couldn't ascertain from the complains if the couple here is straight or gay ( "honey" ).  So for any faux pas, my apologies.

When they ask Does he/she understand Portuguese, to the other better half, you can also strike that self indignation pose, as you would say.... I beg a pardon ( The American version is subdued ), and say...

":Como eee que eee?????    e as a goat baling. 

And hands on your waistband.  That body language as well convey you are about to burst, and they will recoil or deflate and maybe, maybe, redirect the conversation towards you.   Husband would then need to shrug, as saying, through body language, " I can't control" my dog:.    This is the equivalent of you about to throw a fit, or getting into a tantrum.

Also, on your mornings, as you brush your teeth,  befriend your vanity mirror, and start practicing these Portuguese commonplace phrases, so it comes together when you need to pull the trigger.  It's called rehearsing your inner bitch.   

i used to work alongside a few brothas, and we were dialing for dollars in these Call Centers ( Long Distance Switching, Voice Mail, Toil Free Numbers for business ) , in Boston's Chinatown. Half of the folks came from County Jail on these work release programs.  So at one point, I was down and had that five o clock shadow of gloom on my expression.

So they, out of pitty, would pull me down and give me pointers.  One particular and colorful brotha ( Dana ), used to tell me this.....    Tony, when n front of the mirror, in the morning , tell yourself.... F You Tony!!!! and repeat it over and over again.  What he thought me  was  kind of getting into a war face before going into the battle. 

For you, it means, practice your common phrases to yourself so that when you out there, you reverberate, or , quoting Bull Durham.... "Announce  your presence with Authority ( Luke Laloush telling Crash Davis he wants to fire a fast ball ).  You need to get their attention, so there it is.

I know it sounds silly, but a lot of what you say only hits the other party if you are crafty in your delivery.  So practicing is what you need.   Hey, it's only you and your mirror.   

Another thing....  Brazilian Soap Operas.  Avoid the new stuff, awful screenwriting. The older stuff, from the 80's was fun to watch.  So if you get cable, there's one with reruns.  That is where you will gather material to use. 

And avoid the goddamn street slang. 

"And because they are underpaid, and bla,bla,bla.... poor third world babies."

  I don't buy it.  I have an US  engineering degree, and I've worked menial jobs past graduation ( drove taxicabs, for heaven's sake !!) . The one thing I learned is, no matter how mundane  is your job, make it the most of it.  I you are do be deserving to do more fulfilling endeavors, you got to show it every day and every step of the way.

I haven’t taken any private lessons but I realize my wife will understand me most of the time but if I say the same thing to a Brazilian more often than not they won’t understand me or I’ll have to repeat a couple of times. Your husband might be a bit more lax like my wife since they’re used to hearing you. If you can you can try to speak to your partners family or friends they tend to be more patient.

Many are thrown off guard by people speaking Portuguese who don't look Portuguese or Brazilian. I have noticed how big a deal pronunciation is when speaking Portuguese, if one part of a word is pronounced incorrectly they won't get what you are saying. The trick is to concentrate on words you will immediately use with your tutor. I talk to my partner's cats, they don't ignore me or think I'm crazy and even though they don't respond I find this way better than talking to myself. Being near families with children helps as they slow things down and it's easier to get the correct way of pronouncing that way. I also have a great app that I use which uses rhythm

.

I know this doesn't answer all of your questions, but for the sugar-free Guaraná, try saying "Uma guaraná zero, por favor". Some people might be more used to hearing that. I hear people saying "Coca zero" even though the "official name" on the can says "Coca-Cola Sem Açúcar".

And just to throw out some other ideas for improving your accent.

One technique I've seen is called "shadowing". In this method, you can find a YouTube video/podcast of a Brazilian speaking. Play the content for a few seconds and then pause it and repeat out loud what the person said. Continue doing this every few seconds. This can help your ear adjust to the accent. It also helps if you can find the content with subtitles in Portuguese and English so you can expand your vocabulary.

A more practical way is to just hang around with Brazilians more. Pay attention to common expressions they use and try to incorporate them into your own speaking. Living with a host family in another foreign country was the best language immersion as I learned to actually speak like people in the country do, instead of what a textbook says.

Keep a positive attitude, smile, and don't give up! It will get better. Boa sorte!

@abthree You make some really good points here. My wife is Brazilian and I am American with the barest semblance of Portuguese and similar quantity of knowledge of Brazilian social codes. Fortunately, my wife is very helpful in discussing social codes and customs in both countries. Even so, she assures me that no matter how well I might learn to speak Portuguese (not happening any time soon BTW), I will always be seen as a "gringa" and I will always be treated as if I am a rich American with higher social status. It may be that if people don't understand what you are saying, they may be too reserved, shy, intimidated to ask you to repeat something or to ask you what you mean. My wife is always surprised at how direct we Americans are in comparison with Brazilians.

01/07/23  [M]y wife ...   assures me that no matter how well I might learn to speak Portuguese ... I will always be seen as a "gringa" and I will always be treated as if I am a rich American with higher social status. 
-@sjpetzold

Thanks for mentioning that -- it is SO true!  I wish that I could remind every North American and European expat in Brazil about once a month just how visible we always are.  Manaus is a city of 2.2 million people, my husband is a native, and we keep a pretty low profile.  Nevertheless, I have no doubt that if you came within a mile or two of our place in any direction and asked, "How can I find the younger Brazilian man and older foreign man who live together?", someone would immediately take you right to our door -- and it would probably be somebody we don't even know.

Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, that constant visibility is relatively benign.  But I'm convinced that letting themselves forget about it and thinking that they fit in is one of the chief ways that unlucky expats end up in the wrong place at the wrong time, to their sorrow.

@sprealestatebroker.

I loved your response!

I’m kinda lucky, this is not a problem for me. I live in a small village of about 2,500 in northern brazil. We are like the Ewings of Dallas the tv show. We own a lot. Either you work with the big Boss (my Brazilian wife of 20+ years), you work for her or you are a customer of her retail outlets. Their are several brothers and sisters who own a lot too. Everyone knows who I am, since I am the only Americano for miles. No one  complains about my Portuguese, especially onFriday (payday).

To add to what @sprealestatebroker said. Be gentle with your translator. I do come from a results only media sales background so I do not like to leave any probing questions on the table. The nearest big city with the federal police is 6 hours away, so when the agent at the federal police says we need a particular document, I want to know where we get it and how long it will take to process etc. My translator aka Brazilian wife thinks I am being pushy. Unfortunately it is either return the 6 hours again when we find out it is next door or make my translator upset who is also my partner for a spouse visa.

Roddie in Retirement🕵🏽

It always pays not to mention what you have, if you talk about we have this and that it gets under people's skin.

@amsp I can relate to the “yes I heard you but I am not even listening” story. My father passed away in New England leaving the house and property to me and my younger brother. He was the trustee, living in San Francisco organizing etc. and I was on-site in New England with the Brazilian contractors he hired to renovate the house, overseeing. We went through several rounds of misunderstanding. The worst was when I had hired an Estate Sale company to sell some of our valuables. I repeatedly told them they could not come to work on the house on a particular day because we would have dozens of people viewing the valuables. The Estate Sale company explicitly told me No Contractors could be on site. Of course some of them came right before the sale. Just to clarify I was not using my Portuguese during this time. I come from the Joe Pesci school of communications - All Attitude - when the workers came on Estate Sale day they had no problem understanding my English when I threw them out.

Roddie in Retirement🕵🏽

Your situation is common on many levels. Here are some things me and my partner did that made it way easier to deal with the people and the situation in Brazil.

1 - If you don't look Brazilian, be ready to have an awkward and or uncomfortable time. So have patience wherever you go.

2 - Smile. I'm Dutch, born and raised and we just like you, are direct to what we want. We go in, get the product, buy it and get out of the store, no (small) talks. If you want to continue this way, smiling is a must. Not a forced one, but one of those Budha zen smiles where you repeat ''it'll all be over soon''. Smile and answer ''não obrigada(o)'' if they ask ''precisa de ajuda?''.

3 - If you're not deaf, don't raise your voice. So be careful of your tone. There's a famous quote that I like by Levy Corrêa ''Se você precisa aumentar a voz para ser percebido, desculpe informar, você já se perdeu em suas ideias''.

4 - Avoid getting angry or degrading someone, be it in public or private. Brazil is a humble country and they show it. And with altered emotions good things don't get done.

5 - If they made a mistake and they are fixing it for you, ACCEPT and let it go. Thank them also. Yes, this is a must. Because Brazilians don't admit they made a mistake only when they're forced to. So if they admit it themselves and found you a decent acceptable solution, light a candle and amen. It's a win-win.

6 - Don't point or use your hands in front of their faces like Americans normally do in the US. This is rude and if done, you won't get respect whatsoever.

7 - Most Brazilians are very considerate of others, if they see that you're with 2+ and it's take-out, they'll ask if the other one needs napkins or tableware. This is not ignoring you, this is an extra in customer service. This also happened with me and my partner, yet he the was ordering and I was outside on the phone. We got free extra barbecue sauce because he didn't know if I wanted or not when the lady asked him.

8 - VERY IMPORTANT! Brazilians are bipolar people pleasers. If you treat them well with respect, a smile, an acceptable tone and a looooooooot of patience (meditation helps btw), they will treat you as Kings and Queens. But if you're the opposite, they will (indirectly) piss you off, do something to your food or product and gossip the h*ll about you to others as their favourite pass time activity. Some goes as far to signing you up to those prank companies where they just randomly call you and hang up, or those that offers you useless services or try to rip you off saying that they're your child and they've been kidnapped and you have to transfer ransom money or meet them somewhere with that money.

9 - Speak slow and make it a habit of always carrying a dictionary with you for appearances. The majority of Brazilians sees foreigners as Gods with zero struggle and they will not understand that you're a student of the language unless you show it to them in many ways. Carrying a dictionary will make that visually clear and speaking slow asking for their patience, will trigger a ''oh, he's learning, I must help him, I must pay attention'' switch in their brain.

10 - Look at the facts, not what you perceive or others close to you are telling you. If the majority is giving you a hard time with your pronunciation then it is not fantastic as your tutor states. Because if it was, you wouldn't be having problems. Try to see where it goes wrong. Maybe you speak too fast, your sentences aren't coherent, your word choices are outdated (Guaraná sem açucar isn't used nowadays, it's Guaraná zero ou diet as one of the people here mentioned), or you might even be saying everything fantastic, but your accent is just so strong that it hinders them from understanding you. Your teacher might be a strong #8 and since he's used to your Portuguese/you, he himself is not noticing the problem. Talk to him on an unbiased level and ask him his opinion. Don't forget, if he's Brazilian: #1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 without the dictionary if you feel like it.

11 - They're not paying attention or don't care. In this case, leave and let them be. You demand respect and if you're giving them that but you're not getting it in return, your presence is pointless and you're wasting your time. If the moment doesn't permit for a ''okay bye'' moment, then politely tell them ''Eu tenho um compromisso e preciso ir, tchau'' and leave. Don't lower yourself, make your exit respectfully with grace. Brazilians are athletes in doing what they want and they think they have the right to. This country itself has a lot of liberty turning even into a libertine at certain moments. So brace yourself, they will do what they think is best for you or them and disregard what you want.

Your therapist is not entirely wrong and it's true that Brazilians don't know how to interact because their whole life environment was only with Brazilians. So when they happen to meet a foreigner, they go blank - mess up - some get nervous and might even cry while others just gets curious and ask you a billion questions and expect you to tell them your whole life story. They don't know the meaning of ''personal space'' when something peaks their interest, be aware.

It's important to understand and remember that Brazilians are like this and they're very sociable creatures and when they don't know how to socialize, they get lost. Just like any other person that's lost and doesn't know what to do. This is their reality and understanding them will help you to understand the situation and tailor yourself to their environment, not yours unfortunately.

Even if you're an American, you've chosen Brazil and that means that you have to adapt to this country and mold yourself to this environment because they're already adapting themselves to you in a way. They'll take you into consideration for a lot of things and pardon you even for them, but if you don't adapt, you'll have a hard time. It's that saying ''if you should be in Rome, live in the Roman manner; if you should be elsewhere, live as they do there''.

We (me and my partner) weren't aware of this, but one of my students that practices law told us the following. If we lose our shit in public and there's proof of it, we can get fined for public improper behaviour and maybe even spent a few days in jail. A settlement would be with an apology to the person whom we flipped + money for damaging his/her reputation and degrading in public. This is a law and the majority of Brazilians are aware of this. Foreigners aren't being sued yet on such ''tiny'' matter (to his knowledge) because they depend on their job to pay their bills and getting on bad terms with someone that looks, behaves and talks like US Dollars isn't favourable to them. But it's interesting to know that this is a possibility.

Lastly, I'd like to tell you to not worry too much, you genuinely seem like a person that's trying so hard to fit in but it's working against you. Worry less, don't let your emotions get to you even though you feel like opening the person's skull just to see if he/she actually has a brain or not. Let it go, let it slide, rub it off and take things slow with ease, with a pinch of salt those undesirable moments and enjoy your time with your partner. I'm sure him seeing you struggle also hurts him, so stress less and count to 1000 if you feel like you're going to loose your cool. Brazilian are difficult creatures and there's even a saying among Brazilians ''até a Nasa deveria investigar''. So if things are against you, stop doing what you're doing and you'll see a difference. (Just never give Brazilian free money, that's a h*ll door you don't want to open).

Hope this helped

@amsp I have lived off and on in Brazil for 15 years. I speak portuguese with some mistakes I am sure, but when I am with my companion, even if I am the one inter-accting with the other person, they do exactly as you described. The same thing has been happening to me over and over again. I truly do not understand the reasons why!!!

@abthree “Another one is that you'll never teach all of Brazil your idea of manners one Brazilian at a time; only madness and heart attacks lie that way. Brazil will never adjust itself to you, so to be happy, you have to find ways to adjust yourself to it.” That is gold!!!

01/23/23 The same thing has been happening to me over and over again. I truly do not understand the reasons why!!!
-@CaninBrazil

Don't let it bother you, because it will never completely go away. The two questions I get most frequently from Brazilians when first I meet them are "Are you from Santa Catarina?" and "Are you from Portugal?" But that still doesn't keep it from happening to me from time to time. 😂

@amsp Hello there,

It sounds like you need to work on your pronunciation. For Americans to sound Brazilian takes years of training and a really good qualified teacher. I know, because I speak fluent Portuguese, and everyone understands me.

We have great Portuguese teachers who speak English that can help you with your pronunciation and accent reduction. This will help you overcome those embarassing gringo moments.

Our teachers are VIP online and focus on your specific needs.

120.00 Brazilian Rios per hour. Please contact us for an evaluation.

Devorah Michaela Herbert

Languages4Brazilians

www.languages4brazilians.com.br

On a slightly different tangent, I am always amazed at those who say that they understand a language better than they speak it.  I speak enough Spanish to get around and feed myslef and am reaching that point in Portuguese but in neither language am I able to understand what people say, unless I have asked them a question and can listen for critical words.  That is especially true with Portuguese, where, in addition to speaking rapidly (English and German are actually among the slowest spoken languages, whereas Spanish and Portuguese are among the most rapid) they commonly cut off the last syllable of words, nearly always slur words together, and have some letters that sound differently from English or Spanish (e.g., r and d).  All of that makes it much easier for me to read something than hear it.  Does anyone have any suggestions, beyond practice, practice, practice, to get better at understanding the spoken language?

Your situation is common on many levels. Here are some things me and my partner did that made it way easier to deal with the people and the situation in Brazil.
1 - If you don't look Brazilian, be ready to have an awkward and or uncomfortable time. So have patience wherever you go.

2 - Smile. I'm Dutch, born and raised and we just like you, are direct to what we want. We go in, get the product, buy it and get out of the store, no (small) talks. If you want to continue this way, smiling is a must. Not a forced one, but one of those Budha zen smiles where you repeat ''it'll all be over soon''. Smile and answer ''não obrigada(o)'' if they ask ''precisa de ajuda?''.

3 - If you're not deaf, don't raise your voice. So be careful of your tone. There's a famous quote that I like by Levy Corrêa ''Se você precisa aumentar a voz para ser percebido, desculpe informar, você já se perdeu em suas ideias''.

4 - Avoid getting angry or degrading someone, be it in public or private. Brazil is a humble country and they show it. And with altered emotions good things don't get done.

5 - If they made a mistake and they are fixing it for you, ACCEPT and let it go. Thank them also. Yes, this is a must. Because Brazilians don't admit they made a mistake only when they're forced to. So if they admit it themselves and found you a decent acceptable solution, light a candle and amen. It's a win-win.

6 - Don't point or use your hands in front of their faces like Americans normally do in the US. This is rude and if done, you won't get respect whatsoever.

7 - Most Brazilians are very considerate of others, if they see that you're with 2+ and it's take-out, they'll ask if the other one needs napkins or tableware. This is not ignoring you, this is an extra in customer service. This also happened with me and my partner, yet he the was ordering and I was outside on the phone. We got free extra barbecue sauce because he didn't know if I wanted or not when the lady asked him.

8 - VERY IMPORTANT! Brazilians are bipolar people pleasers. If you treat them well with respect, a smile, an acceptable tone and a looooooooot of patience (meditation helps btw), they will treat you as Kings and Queens. But if you're the opposite, they will (indirectly) piss you off, do something to your food or product and gossip the h*ll about you to others as their favourite pass time activity. Some goes as far to signing you up to those prank companies where they just randomly call you and hang up, or those that offers you useless services or try to rip you off saying that they're your child and they've been kidnapped and you have to transfer ransom money or meet them somewhere with that money.

9 - Speak slow and make it a habit of always carrying a dictionary with you for appearances. The majority of Brazilians sees foreigners as Gods with zero struggle and they will not understand that you're a student of the language unless you show it to them in many ways. Carrying a dictionary will make that visually clear and speaking slow asking for their patience, will trigger a ''oh, he's learning, I must help him, I must pay attention'' switch in their brain.

10 - Look at the facts, not what you perceive or others close to you are telling you. If the majority is giving you a hard time with your pronunciation then it is not fantastic as your tutor states. Because if it was, you wouldn't be having problems. Try to see where it goes wrong. Maybe you speak too fast, your sentences aren't coherent, your word choices are outdated (Guaraná sem açucar isn't used nowadays, it's Guaraná zero ou diet as one of the people here mentioned), or you might even be saying everything fantastic, but your accent is just so strong that it hinders them from understanding you. Your teacher might be a strong #8 and since he's used to your Portuguese/you, he himself is not noticing the problem. Talk to him on an unbiased level and ask him his opinion. Don't forget, if he's Brazilian: #1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 without the dictionary if you feel like it.

11 - They're not paying attention or don't care. In this case, leave and let them be. You demand respect and if you're giving them that but you're not getting it in return, your presence is pointless and you're wasting your time. If the moment doesn't permit for a ''okay bye'' moment, then politely tell them ''Eu tenho um compromisso e preciso ir, tchau'' and leave. Don't lower yourself, make your exit respectfully with grace. Brazilians are athletes in doing what they want and they think they have the right to. This country itself has a lot of liberty turning even into a libertine at certain moments. So brace yourself, they will do what they think is best for you or them and disregard what you want.

Your therapist is not entirely wrong and it's true that Brazilians don't know how to interact because their whole life environment was only with Brazilians. So when they happen to meet a foreigner, they go blank - mess up - some get nervous and might even cry while others just gets curious and ask you a billion questions and expect you to tell them your whole life story. They don't know the meaning of ''personal space'' when something peaks their interest, be aware.

It's important to understand and remember that Brazilians are like this and they're very sociable creatures and when they don't know how to socialize, they get lost. Just like any other person that's lost and doesn't know what to do. This is their reality and understanding them will help you to understand the situation and tailor yourself to their environment, not yours unfortunately.

Even if you're an American, you've chosen Brazil and that means that you have to adapt to this country and mold yourself to this environment because they're already adapting themselves to you in a way. They'll take you into consideration for a lot of things and pardon you even for them, but if you don't adapt, you'll have a hard time. It's that saying ''if you should be in Rome, live in the Roman manner; if you should be elsewhere, live as they do there''.

We (me and my partner) weren't aware of this, but one of my students that practices law told us the following. If we lose our shit in public and there's proof of it, we can get fined for public improper behaviour and maybe even spent a few days in jail. A settlement would be with an apology to the person whom we flipped + money for damaging his/her reputation and degrading in public. This is a law and the majority of Brazilians are aware of this. Foreigners aren't being sued yet on such ''tiny'' matter (to his knowledge) because they depend on their job to pay their bills and getting on bad terms with someone that looks, behaves and talks like US Dollars isn't favourable to them. But it's interesting to know that this is a possibility.

Lastly, I'd like to tell you to not worry too much, you genuinely seem like a person that's trying so hard to fit in but it's working against you. Worry less, don't let your emotions get to you even though you feel like opening the person's skull just to see if he/she actually has a brain or not. Let it go, let it slide, rub it off and take things slow with ease, with a pinch of salt those undesirable moments and enjoy your time with your partner. I'm sure him seeing you struggle also hurts him, so stress less and count to 1000 if you feel like you're going to loose your cool. Brazilian are difficult creatures and there's even a saying among Brazilians ''até a Nasa deveria investigar''. So if things are against you, stop doing what you're doing and you'll see a difference. (Just never give Brazilian free money, that's a h*ll door you don't want to open).

Hope this helped
-@tlacle

You got to looove Dutch Pragmatism. 

I can vouch for her statements.   On point.

01/23/23 @timhoffnagle Tim, your observation is right on. I think that most or all of those people are fooling themselves. My first language professor used to say, "listening ability is the last skill you acquire, and the last skill you lose." and I've found that to be true.

To strengthen listening ability, I recommend the same things to you that I have to others: listen to good Brazilian music, especially sambas by noted composers and sung by people, like Martinho da Vila, Beth Carvalho, and Clara Nunes who are known for really delivering the lyrics, and listen to good Brazilian podcasts, like the ones from Estado de São Paulo and Folha de S. Paulo. Don't be shy about re-winding and listening again to a part you missed. Soon, you'll be missing fewer parts, and the skill will begin to carry over into daily life.

@timhoffnagle Hey there,

Heads up. It is incorrect to assume that all Brazilians cut of the final sound of the words in Portuguese. If you travel to the south of Brazil, you will see that they forcefully pronounce the end of each word in Portuguese due to the European influence there. In the countryside of São Paulo, the Brazilians also pronounce the end of each word like amor. They do not cut off the r sound.

Each region and state is different and we can´t generalize. It would be like saying that all Americans pronounce words in the same way, which is totally not true. A person from Queens for example pronounces things totally different from a person in Texas. 

Travel a bit, learn fluent portuguese and try to see the difference. You will be amazed.

Devorah Michaela