Adult homesickness advice needed

Dude, get to know the people so they aren't strange to you any more and make friends.
It'll become home very quickly so no more homesickness.

Hi Fred,

I am trying, I've made some local friends and there are 3 other English teachers here so it should be impossible to feel lonely, especially with the home connection. But 1 English teacher is a lot older and has very little in common with me, another is the same age but has some anxiety issues (odd choice of work/travel combo in my opinion), and the other has been here for a year and has no interest really in making temp friends. Or at least making closer friends with me haha!

And all of the other expats are central or the other side of town to me and I completely lack the confidence to head out on public transport without reading or speaking the lingo. I know that will change but it makes it difficult early on.

It sounds like such a first world problem when I compare it to the people around me, but it's really affecting me and my outlook. I guess I just have to try to change that. And I slowly am. Part of the problem was not having usable internet for the first 12 days, now I feel like I can be part of some sort of community at least, even If it isn't in person!

I feel like such a baby saying I'm suffering with bloody homesickness.

You are thinking it all wrong!
Home sickness is a misnomer.
'Home' is were you are. so how can you get 'home sickness'?
It's all in the mind.

Where you were born (your roots) may be elsewhere BUT if you don't think where you are is home (like you would do if you were in the UK) then you will not get over this desire to be back at your roots and you will never get to find the enjoyment of working in any country under the sun; because you will be (basically) scared to go anywhere outside of the UK.

Essentially you will be brainwashing yourself!
Where I am is home. Where I am is home.  Where I am is home. Where I am is home.

My first overseas work (from the UK) started in Saudi Arabia. You can't chat up the girls there and it was very very difficult to have local friends outside of the office. Now THAT's scary!

In addition, I have worked - up to 18 months at a time in - UAE, Indonesia, Malaysia,  Japan, Thailand and I finally finished in China.
I've gotten depressed - quite often in the early years; but learned to recognise it as 'home sickness'.
But 'where I am is home' has always got me through.

Enjoy the local food - you can eat UK junk food when you finish your contract and return to your root (note I did not say 'home'). And, might I say, I miss fish and chips more than anything, as well as being able to speak English at anytime of the day.
But China - Shanghai - is my 'home' and I get to visit the UK and my 3 brothers and 3 kids (all grown up with own families) just once per year.

Welcome 'home'.
Look around and enjoy. You should be able to find some local Expats or even local Chinese who are interested to practice their English capabilities. Don't be afraid to talk back in English to anyone who passes by and says "hello" or something.... You could make a new friend.

I have always been a bit of a loner, so immediate company has not been a problem; but that said finding a nice bar or even a visit to the supermarket - just to be around people is a MUST now and again: even if I don't talk to anyone!

Hope that helps.
You can have a long and exciting future ahead of you just by remembering 'where I am is home'.
Take care
Keep safe
British Expat (and a Londoner - over 32 years away from my roots - save 2-week annual leave)

HI, again,
You say "I completely lack the confidence to head out on public transport without reading or speaking the lingo." How do you get any shopping? and pay for it?

On the bus - You only need to know the name of the place you are going to. I haven't paid more than 7 yuan for my trips, so offer 10 - you will always get change.

I've been 14 years in China and still cannot speak the lingo - because all my work here required speaking English and the Chinese engineers just wanted to practice speaking English (which was no different to all the other countries I worked in). (and my wife in Chinese - CEO of a oral English school)

Three things get me through (I think):
1). Body language (like being in a restaurant and bending with your knees close together and say WC - but the body language always works - and the waitresses think it funny!)
2) Sketching - carry a small pad and a pencil -  a picture is worth ten-thousand words (and that is the correct old Chinese saying).   
3) Pointing - especially at the fruit in the fruit stall (not at people). I would always buy 6 apples - one a day- at the same shop every Monday. Originally showing 6 fingers and got back the Chinese version of thumb and little finger on one hand. The supermarket has changed all that - select and pay. I buy a roast duck - from one of those rotating spits - just by pointing.
4) Self selecting - like at the supermarket. Although I prefer the local indoor market for the fresh veggie - select what I want and pass to the owner for weighing and she show how much on her calculator or even takes from my open wallet!

I have never felt I had been overcharged or cheated  in the markets. I think 'body language' has got me through. if the proprietor gets the sense you are not out to cheat them, it reciprocates.

DON'T give up - meet the challenge.
By the way - I hate the rain and THAT helps my depression come on sometimes!
Take care

Me again
You say "now I feel like I can be part of some sort of community at least, even If it isn't in person!"
You are 'home'. All around you IS your community.
The internet isn't a community. It (can be) just a telephone call with a video screen. Very impersonal.
It's like going to the cinema and saying watching a movie is 'community'.

Face-to-face is community. Hang on to that.
:-)

Google translate is far from perfect but it gets you moving.
You can even speak into the thing and it'll come out in mandarin and, bonus, the scanner will read and translate Chinese writing.

As for feeling daft about homesickness, don't get sweaty about it - happens to a lot of people.

Put the boot on the other foot - so to speak.
Imagine how a Chinese guy or gal manages when they go overseas to Australia, Canada, UK, etc to study in a Uni.
They have the advantage that they're in a class with students about their own age. But the bottom line is - they cannot 'go home' = return to their roots. They would 'lose face' in front of their family and friends. That's a huge disgrace - to admit you were not up to the challenge.

We don't have 'lose face' in the UK so basically impossible to understand.
Chinese (In my experience) rarely admit to making a mistake, even a simple one = loose face, should have known that! In the UK we just say "sorry"!
You should never ever get a Chinese person in that situation. Try to worm your way around the mistake by saying "maybe we should do it  ...da da this  way". That way you keep your friends :-) Never say "you're wrong"!

You cannot Google in  China - unless you have a working VPN.
Or have you found another way - please do tell.

Burchy wrote:

Put the boot on the other foot - so to speak.
Imagine how a Chinese guy or gal manages when they go overseas to Australia, Canada, UK, etc to study in a Uni.

Don't need to imagine, I knew loads so I got a pretty good insight as to how they felt.

Most coped by creating 'little Chinas' or spending loads of time in Chinatowns but some got more adventurous and mixed a lot more with locals.

Burchy wrote:

You cannot Google in  China - unless you have a working VPN.
Or have you found another way - please do tell.

There are several other apps, maybe one of them will do the job.

So I typed out this really wordy reply that was amazing and summarised my points and questions perfectly. Then clicked to scroll up. Then accidentally hit backspace. I am an idiot. So I'll try to write a much more concise version:

Thank you both for the advice, I really appreciate it. I didn't even think to compare buying goods and services to be the same as buying the service of transport. I'm too wrapped up in getting lost and not being able to get back (worst case scenario thinker). Forgot about all the other forms of communication too! I am trying my hardest to meet the challenge head on, believe me. At the moment I'm still in the 'grief' of moving from my family.

Any advice for apps for the photo translation and stuff? The ones I have tried seem crap.

I know about some of the culture things about losing face (went on a course on arrival explaining some of the do's and don'ts). However any other advice along that line is also really appreciated.

I will say 2 things thought to defend my opinions and thoughts, not because I have to but to shed some light on my thinking. For me my home will always be England with my family. I will never relocate for a real period of time. I am out here to teach for 10 months (if I can last that long, I'm thinking 5 or even 3 months at this point, enough to say I gave it my all but couldn't hack it if I can't). I know this seems strange, particularly to people who came to start a new life and all the other expressions along those lines. But I didn't. I came here because I will only be able to do this lengthy travel style once in my life (I have to take care of my family, and it's not against my will or anything, I really want to). I chose the teaching route because I simply wouldn't be able to afford it otherwise. I also get to see a culture in depth and all that so it has a lot of benefits. But for me it will never, ever be home, and I don't want it to be. I love my real home, this is a temporary experience to widen perspective and to enjoy.

Sorry if it sounds stuck up or if you can't understand it but it's just how it is. You're probably thinking to yourself, "That will change once you have been here for awhile." But I can say with 100% certainty it won't, not because I'm not open to it, but because I simply don't want to. Different perspectives, blah blah blah, you know the spiel.

Thank you for your advice, seriously. If you or anyone else can share anything more please do, I really appreciate it and it will help. Particularly on how to get used to some things, be able to live life to the fullest here, or how to really make homesickness easier to bear (without 'changing home').

Hope this doesn't come across as rude because I really do not intend it to!

But I can say with 100% certainty it won't, not because I'm not open to it, but because I simply don't want to

Time, contracts permitting, to do a runner.
Some people just aren't cut out for an expat life - no worries.
You didn't make a mistake in trying, you just found a lifestyle that didn't suit you.

Nah I'm here for the experience, I'll give it my best shot. If I can't hack it for 2 months then clearly it isn't for me and I can head home.

Hopefully not though. 5 months I think is doable at the very least!

Sorry for trying to keep the thread alive but I do really want to hear from people.

What good experiences have you had in China?

What should I be looking forward to?

If you experienced homesickness and anxiety how did you move past it?

I really need to hear some positive things, if you can help, please do.

dackall wrote:

Sorry for trying to keep the thread alive but I do really want to hear from people.

What good experiences have you had in China?

What should I be looking forward to?

If you experienced homesickness and anxiety how did you move past it?

I really need to hear some positive things, if you can help, please do.

Well, I can't say my experiences in China could help you, as I am a native Chinese. But I have been living in Australia for past six years, so I can understand what you are going through partially.

As I remember, my first few months down under wasn't easy. I had felt homesick just like what you do now. At that time, my flatmate who is from Sudan told me that I should make some local friends and explore the culture. So I did. From then on, I went to the church (only a few times), hit the beach with Aussies, tried local cuisine (Vegemite on meat pies), learned how to play Rugby Union from scratch in a local club (they compete with other clubs every Saturday), did voluntary work in a folk music festival twice and got cold feet when asking Aussie girls out .

I have had tons of stories there, ups and downs, but I felt that I was a part of the society. As a matter of fact, I still do, albeit that I am in China now. I have tried my best to stay in touch with my Aussie friends there with the bloody Great Firewall on, and catch up on the news about Australia. It makes me feel that my heart is still there.

Anyway, what I mean is to explore the culture and learn the language while you are still there. This is now your chance to do it while the other six billion people in the world can't. If you don't do it now, you may regret when time's gone. At the end, you might or might not like this country or the community, but the experience will be a part of your life forever. Make the most of it.

Thank you Jimbean, that really added some perspective. I didn't consider how lucky I am to have been given this opportunity! I am disheartened to hear the first few months were difficult, hopefully that won't be the case for me, but if it is I'm unsure if I would be able to rise to the challenge.

I think I need to stop thinking grand picture too, plan a month or so, or even only a week or two in advance and stop thinking how hard it will be for periods like Christmas and the like. I'm very fortunate to have my Dad now flying out for my birthday and Spring Festival, and my best mate flying out after him! Will give me something to actually look forward to.

Thanks again for the advice, I will try to take it and use it! Although I'm still a little frightened and unsure of how to make friends with the locals, seeing as I don't speak their language!

TaoBao can get you cheese and lots of western food.  There is a service on top of it called Baopals that may work better for English. 

I bought a counter top Oven and baked my own pizzas and chicken cordon bleu from food bought on Taobao.  I have no faith in the meats in China.  Food handling is atrocious and scary. 

Generally the Homesickness goes away and can turn into appreciation but that could take quite a few months. 

Romance might make things better.  You can be a rockstar in other cities without expats.

Hello,

how do I join taobao?

I am very homesick, but think that I will have to stick it out in Jinan. Does anyone else get this?
Anxious for no reason? For the v first time I am getting panic attacks.

I see that the meat is generally not recommended, since I am getting very slowly used to being detached from my family. How do you cope? I use Skype, it is not very good as the Internet speeds are poor.
Is there a place that sells Indian spices and Halal or Kosher meat in Jinan.

You may need to know Chinese to set up your TaoBao account.  BaoPals is a website which sits on top of it for English speakers.  Think they charge an extra 5%, but they may let you find stuff from home you are missing. 

TaoBao is amazing, but may need a good level of Chinese to use effectively.  There are quite a few Indian sellers on it. 

Good Luck.

dackall wrote:

Thank you Jimbean, that really added some perspective. I didn't consider how lucky I am to have been given this opportunity! I am disheartened to hear the first few months were difficult, hopefully that won't be the case for me, but if it is I'm unsure if I would be able to rise to the challenge.

I think I need to stop thinking grand picture too, plan a month or so, or even only a week or two in advance and stop thinking how hard it will be for periods like Christmas and the like. I'm very fortunate to have my Dad now flying out for my birthday and Spring Festival, and my best mate flying out after him! Will give me something to actually look forward to.

Thanks again for the advice, I will try to take it and use it! Although I'm still a little frightened and unsure of how to make friends with the locals, seeing as I don't speak their language!

Okay. I'm sorry that I might have exaggerated the part of the length of my homesickness. It could have been only one month or two. But it really depends on different people. Some may not feel homesick at all, and some could suffer from it for a long while. I believe you will go through it at no time.

What you are doing is just fine. If you feel lonely at some points, why don't you take a short trip by yourself? I did it and it was great. Plan the trip beforehand and stay safe. Or, make friends with expats from other countries if you can't do it with the locals. If you were in Shenzhen, I would love to grad a drink with you at a pub or cafe. Frankly, I am new in the city and am trying to make friends as well.

Anyway, I am glad that your dad and friend from home are coming to visit and support you. Stay positive.

You need a girlfrend. After that, it is all good...