Marriage to a Vietnamese Woman

My marriage to a Vietnamese woman lasted 48 years, ending with her death in July 2019.
We went through the war together,
Evacuated Saigon together,
Had six wonderful kids together, 4 American born
Started revisiting Vietnam in the early 1990s
Fully retired here in 2014
The truth is that marriage is what the two people wake of it, our marriage was very happy
Your marriage will be what ever the two of you make it
70 years old has already had his 75th birthday

Hey now guys... guys.. come on... are you trying to tell me that the insanely beautiful and utterly wonderful women of Vietnam don't want me just for my boyish charm and godlike physique???

Hahahaha...

70 years old wrote:

70 years old has already had his 75th birthday

I can't adequately express how much I would like to console you, and I expect others may feel the same way.  As we had not heard from you for a while, I had assumed the worst had happened.  You were truly fortunate to have had such a great marriage.  I hope you will stop by once in a while.

70 years old wrote:

My marriage to a Vietnamese woman lasted 48 years, ending with her death in July 2019.
We went through the war together,
Evacuated Saigon together,
Had six wonderful kids together, 4 American born
Started revisiting Vietnam in the early 1990s
Fully retired here in 2014
The truth is that marriage is what the two people wake of it, our marriage was very happy
Your marriage will be what ever the two of you make it
70 years old has already had his 75th birthday

Sad to hear of the loss of your wife. It's obvious from reading your posts over the years that you adored her and had a long and wonderful marriage.

So sorry for your loss

70 years old wrote:

My marriage to a Vietnamese woman lasted 48 years, ending with her death in July 2019.
We went through the war together,
Evacuated Saigon together,
Had six wonderful kids together, 4 American born
Started revisiting Vietnam in the early 1990s
Fully retired here in 2014
The truth is that marriage is what the two people wake of it, our marriage was very happy
Your marriage will be what ever the two of you make it
70 years old has already had his 75th birthday

Thanks for posting the news publicly Sam.

May Bac's memory be eternal!

I've copied the link to your reply so it can be easily found the next time Vietnamese women are being denigrated in this forum.

Of course, it also took 48 years of dedication on the part of an honorable man to make your marriage work.

I hope to cross paths with you someday.

The thing is You can't just live with them, They want Marriage and my Experience is the Law won't Allow it, Or I would have done it, But to be Honest, I found nothing but Players wanting to get out the Country and use yr Head as a visa, If your smart and they know , They just move on to the Next Foreigner, Stay away from Dating Sites,

Jon Holloway wrote:

The thing is You can't just live with them, They want Marriage and my Experience is the Law won't Allow it, Or I would have done it, But to be Honest, I found nothing but Players wanting to get out the Country and use yr Head as a visa, If your smart and they know , They just move on to the Next Foreigner, Stay away from Dating Sites,

Its not illegal to cohabitate, the law changed in the year 2000.

Laws

What do you mean the "Law wont allow it" ??? Are you claiming that we forged our marriage certificates?

Personally, if i had to do it all over again, I would have chased one of the few thousand Korean Girls running around Saigon ... You rarely hear too much negative about Korean Girls... I guess we all live and learn the hard way!

I "cohabited" with all of my GFs, and had cops in my home multiple times ( You are supposed to call them to record damages ) due to water pipe breaks. Nobody ever said anything about who was living in  the house.

Hi Sam,

We are so sorry to hear that your wonderful wife passed away last July.
Are you still in Vietnam or have you moved back to the States?
Hope you stay strong and take care of yourself.
Sending you our sincere condolences.

panda7 wrote:

Just interested to hear about peoples experiences married to a Vietnamese woman, more so for marriages that have lasted longer than say 3 years...

Many opinions from many people

No simple answer to a tricky question

***

jefJones wrote:

What do you mean the "Law wont allow it" ??? Are you claiming that we forged our marriage certificates?

Personally, if i had to do it all over again, I would have chased one of the few thousand Korean Girls running around Saigon ... You rarely hear too much negative about Korean Girls... I guess we all live and learn the hard way!

I "cohabited" with all of my GFs, and had cops in my home multiple times ( You are supposed to call them to record damages ) due to water pipe breaks. Nobody ever said anything about who was living in  the house.

I can assure you, that Vietnamese woman is 50x better wife than Korean woman. The only what I find “better” on Korean girls is, that they are kind a more fun to be with. But, their family will mostly hate you,hate her for choosing you and the girl will cost a lot haha. But if you provide her and match her expectations, they are good for living as well. Korean values are bit spoiled tho. She will be demanding on money, she will probably respect more her boss then she respects you etc..

Personal long term experience.

Im talking in general, nothing is 100%

Whoever gets scammed by a girl he married is blind “idiot”. I have 12 friends who have Viet wifes and all of them are amazing and have great life.

***

So much love on this forum

***

70 years old wrote:

My marriage to a Vietnamese woman lasted 48 years, ending with her death in July 2019.
We went through the war together,
Evacuated Saigon together,
Had six wonderful kids together, 4 American born
Started revisiting Vietnam in the early 1990s
Fully retired here in 2014
The truth is that marriage is what the two people wake of it, our marriage was very happy
Your marriage will be what ever the two of you make it
70 years old has already had his 75th birthday

We send our sincere condolences and sorry for your loss.  I sent you a PM awhile back and figured that you were busy with family matters.  You are in our prayers and hope you stay with us, we missed you.

panda7 wrote:

Just interested to hear about peoples experiences married to a Vietnamese woman, more so for marriages that have lasted longer than say 3 years...

Marriage to my wife has been the closest thing to perfection that a man could dream for.  Honestly, I can't think of 1 thing that she does that bothers me or is a negative.  I have stated it many times, I have never met any person as loving, caring, understanding, respectful, pure, innocent and just a good person with an amazing heart and soul.  What impresses me more, she gets better year over year and who can say that about their spouse?  Never had an argument, never yells, never screams and never raises her voice.  I could write a book and then some.

I know others have had the opposite experience and I understand as I have met those types as well.  But if you hold to your principles and do the right things, those girls do not stick around.

However, if there is 1 thing I wish I could change, the extended, not immediate, family members.  And no surprise, the half that is educated and doing well, no problems.  But the other half which is not as well educated and what I would say are blue collar families, their mindset is just so wrong on many levels  and I could write a book about them as well.  I do understand them because families in the west with similar socio economic status have similar mindsets and you come to realize that no matter how much sense you try to import to them, they are not going to change and they fail to understand that what they think is normal is why they struggle.

vndreamer wrote:

panda7 wrote:

Just interested to hear about peoples experiences married to a Vietnamese woman, more so for marriages that have lasted longer than say 3 years...

Marriage to my wife has been the closest thing to perfection that a man could dream for.  Honestly, I can't think of 1 thing that she does that bothers me or is a negative.  I have stated it many times, I have never met any person as loving, caring, understanding, respectful, pure, innocent and just a good person with an amazing heart and soul.  What impresses me more, she gets better year over year and who can say that about their spouse?  Never had an argument, never yells, never screams and never raises her voice.  I could write a book and then some.

I know others have had the opposite experience and I understand as I have met those types as well.  But if you hold to your principles and do the right things, those girls do not stick around.

However, if there is 1 thing I wish I could change, the extended, not immediate, family members.  And no surprise, the half that is educated and doing well, no problems.  But the other half which is not as well educated and what I would say are blue collar families, their mindset is just so wrong on many levels  and I could write a book about them as well. I do understand them because families in the west with similar socio economic status have similar mindsets and you come to realize that no matter how much sense you try to import to them, they are not going to change and they fail to understand that what they think is normal is why they struggle.

Can you please expand?

@Mat_Przy

I can't speak for Vndreamer, but I think it's the same for me. Only that with me it is not only with distant relatives.

A few examples:

People tell my wife that she looks terrible when she was pregnant and after giving birth. They compared her to another woman who stopped breastfeeding after 2 months just so she could look pretty again.

People were mean to my wife when she was poor.
After marrying me they are mean to her again because they are jealous that my wife has a good life now.

A young woman wants to visit my wife. When she is here she says that my wife is ugly, her clothes are horrible, the house is ugly and she asked why we have such a small refrigerator (560L).

A seer tells a relative that she is going to give birth to a boy. During the preliminary examinations the doctors say that it will be a girl. But the woman hopes that she will become a boy until the birth. After the birth they protect the seer and trust him further.

A seer says in the year before last that the father of my wife will die and in the last year that someone in the family will lose a limb. Nothing happened (except that the children cried terribly), but they still trust this seer.

My brother-in-law's mother and sister lose money at the game. The brother-in-law should support them although he has hardly enough for his wife and 2 children.

A close relative has been talking in a trance with a child who died early.
Everybody in the house was gathered around her and listened with tears in their eyes.
I hope my child will never be present at something like this in the future.

I could give dozens more such examples.

AkaMaverick wrote:

@Mat_Przy

I can't speak for Vndreamer, but I think it's the same for me. Only that with me it is not only with distant relatives.

A few examples:

People tell my wife that she looks terrible when she was pregnant and after giving birth. They compared her to another woman who stopped breastfeeding after 2 months just so she could look pretty again.

People were mean to my wife when she was poor.
After marrying me they are mean to her again because they are jealous that my wife has a good life now.

A young woman wants to visit my wife. When she is here she says that my wife is ugly, her clothes are horrible, the house is ugly and she asked why we have such a small refrigerator (560L).

A seer tells a relative that she is going to give birth to a boy. During the preliminary examinations the doctors say that it will be a girl. But the woman hopes that she will become a boy until the birth. After the birth they protect the seer and trust him further.

A seer says in the year before last that the father of my wife will die and in the last year that someone in the family will lose a limb. Nothing happened (except that the children cried terribly), but they still trust this seer.

My brother-in-law's mother and sister lose money at the game. The brother-in-law should support them although he has hardly enough for his wife and 2 children.

A close relative has been talking in a trance with a child who died early.
Everybody in the house was gathered around her and listened with tears in their eyes.
I hope my child will never be present at something like this in the future.

I could give dozens more such examples.

That's an incredible post.

Thanks very much for sharing.

@Matt-Przy - I have to say that AkaMaverick did provide good examples and to be honest, it is not easy to be specific because I have to be respectful to family, even if they are extended family members. 

I will try and keep it simple, but the way they view certain things in life just does not help them.  Similarly like AkaMaverick expressed, it is just wrong for some family members to be so hateful out of jealousy just because a family member is better off economically.  My wife, for example, before I met her had finished University and was working a good job with a large multinational company in VN.  Some extended family members had her brainwashed into thinking that she owed them because she was lucky and they were not, despite the fact her Father worked full time and her mother raised her and her siblings.  So, being young, naive and a good heart, she helped out, despite other siblings that did not. 

After she met me, we had long discussions about this and I told her that she was being taken advantage of.  Her response, "I have to, if I do not, they will say I am selfish, disrespectful and they are not lucky so she needs to help".  Of course, I gave her an education in reality, but it was not until we moved to the USA that she opened up and told me, "yes, I know you are right, but it is not easy as you think in VN".  She finally admitted and agreed that these people are the ones who are selfish and disrespectful to her.  They even tried to get her to get money from me and told her, "don't tell him everything".  No joke, my wife was so mad at them to even think that she would not share everything with me. 

After she got educated, they hate her now and me more because they blame me.  But she knows the truth and that they were wrong and now she knows the truth about them.  These type of people actually believe that they can go around and get others to just give them money and justify it as they are not lucky and since you have more, you need to share.  Not realizing that they are being lazy and selfish and nobody is going to just hand over their hard earned money to people that don't want to help themselves. 

It took a while to understand, but it is sad that these people do not realize that their attitudes will never make them rich, but they really think they can get rich by using other people instead of going out and working hard and making it on their own.  My wife's immediate family does not think this way, the complete opposite, but families are large in family. 

What is more sad, extended family kept asking my wife when she was going to work and never called just to say hi and see how we are doing.  Of course, she got pregnant and going to work is not going to happen.  You guessed it, these extended family members were pist off and now hate her even more because they thought she was going to work and send money to VN, never going to happen.  Now the baby is 8 months old and guess what they talk about when they call "when you going to work"? 

Lastly, when I was living in VN, I asked my wife why we rarely see her father's family,  She said they were well off and selfish (only because that is what she was told by the less fortunate).  Once I realized the mindset of these people, I told her that now I understand why they don't come around a lot, nobody wants to be around people like this that just spend all their days talking and complaining about money.  When you come to visit, they just want gifts and money, they are not really happy to see you.  So of course, why would you visit?  Once my wife realized the truth, she understands that her father's family is not selfish at all.  Even she agrees (actually she demanded) that if we move back to VN, we are not living anywhere close to these people.

Even the family living in the countryside don't want these people visiting either.  I remember one TET we were visiting family in the countryside and I had a wonderful time.  But when we got home, my wife told me that these same people that make her life difficult, the families in the countryside did not want them there either for similar reasons.

Like I said, I don't think it is an issue just in VN, I think it is similar in all countries I have lived, including the USA.  I have extended family here in the USA who have similar socio economic backgrounds and they act pretty much the same as our extended family in VN.  I understand them, but don't agree with them. 

My advice to any person from the West that becomes part of a VN family, don't fall for the lies and BS about you or your wife owing them anything.  They make their own beds and sleep in them, not you.

vndreamer wrote:

@Matt-Przy - I have to say that AkaMaverick did provide good examples and to be honest, it is not easy to be specific because I have to be respectful to family, even if they are extended family members. 

I will try and keep it simple, but the way they view certain things in life just does not help them.  Similarly like AkaMaverick expressed, it is just wrong for some family members to be so hateful out of jealousy just because a family member is better off economically.  My wife, for example, before I met her had finished University and was working a good job with a large multinational company in VN.  Some extended family members had her brainwashed into thinking that she owed them because she was lucky and they were not, despite the fact her Father worked full time and her mother raised her and her siblings.  So, being young, naive and a good heart, she helped out, despite other siblings that did not. 

After she met me, we had long discussions about this and I told her that she was being taken advantage of.  Her response, "I have to, if I do not, they will say I am selfish, disrespectful and they are not lucky so she needs to help".  Of course, I gave her an education in reality, but it was not until we moved to the USA that she opened up and told me, "yes, I know you are right, but it is not easy as you think in VN".  She finally admitted and agreed that these people are the ones who are selfish and disrespectful to her.  They even tried to get her to get money from me and told her, "don't tell him everything".  No joke, my wife was so mad at them to even think that she would not share everything with me. 

After she got educated, they hate her now and me more because they blame me.  But she knows the truth and that they were wrong and now she knows the truth about them.  These type of people actually believe that they can go around and get others to just give them money and justify it as they are not lucky and since you have more, you need to share.  Not realizing that they are being lazy and selfish and nobody is going to just hand over their hard earned money to people that don't want to help themselves. 

It took a while to understand, but it is sad that these people do not realize that their attitudes will never make them rich, but they really think they can get rich by using other people instead of going out and working hard and making it on their own.  My wife's immediate family does not think this way, the complete opposite, but families are large in family. 

What is more sad, extended family kept asking my wife when she was going to work and never called just to say hi and see how we are doing.  Of course, she got pregnant and going to work is not going to happen.  You guessed it, these extended family members were pist off and now hate her even more because they thought she was going to work and send money to VN, never going to happen.  Now the baby is 8 months old and guess what they talk about when they call "when you going to work"? 

Lastly, when I was living in VN, I asked my wife why we rarely see her father's family,  She said they were well off and selfish (only because that is what she was told by the less fortunate).  Once I realized the mindset of these people, I told her that now I understand why they don't come around a lot, nobody wants to be around people like this that just spend all their days talking and complaining about money.  When you come to visit, they just want gifts and money, they are not really happy to see you.  So of course, why would you visit?  Once my wife realized the truth, she understands that her father's family is not selfish at all.  Even she agrees (actually she demanded) that if we move back to VN, we are not living anywhere close to these people.

Even the family living in the countryside don't want these people visiting either.  I remember one TET we were visiting family in the countryside and I had a wonderful time.  But when we got home, my wife told me that these same people that make her life difficult, the families in the countryside did not want them there either for similar reasons.

Like I said, I don't think it is an issue just in VN, I think it is similar in all countries I have lived, including the USA.  I have extended family here in the USA who have similar socio economic backgrounds and they act pretty much the same as our extended family in VN.  I understand them, but don't agree with them. 

My advice to any person from the West that becomes part of a VN family, don't fall for the lies and BS about you or your wife owing them anything.  They make their own beds and sleep in them, not you.

So true...  Thanks for sharing vndreamer!

Thanks VNDreamer for sharing.
My wife protects me from any negativity like a mother bear
I also don't speak any Vietnamese, so have no clue whether that glaring person is awestruck, jealous or envious.

What negative things I see in Vietnam, I've seen every where in the world.
If anything, I find less negative things in Vietnam than other places, especially in the USA and it's rigid bureaucracy.
Which is why i like Vietnamese and Vietnam so much; If not, I'd have made other choices.

My two Tet experiences with family and neighbors (Quang Nam province) have been exceptional positive.  The warmth and generosity were  over whelming.

Wxx3 wrote:

Thanks VNDreamer for sharing.
My wife protects me from any negativity like a mother bear
I also don't speak any Vietnamese, so have no clue whether that glaring person is awestruck, jealous or envious.

What negative things I see in Vietnam, I've seen every where in the world.
If anything, I find less negative things in Vietnam than other places, especially in the USA and it's rigid bureaucracy.
Which is why i like Vietnamese and Vietnam so much; If not, I'd have made other choices.

My two Tet experiences with family and neighbors (Quang Nam province) have been exceptional positive.  The warmth and generosity were  over whelming.

I understand and agree mate.  I remember when we were not married, she told me "don't worry, in the future I will make you happy everyday".  I thought, yes, sweet, but not going to happen, WRONG WAS I!  Amazing how wives like ours can make us happy daily and do not even have to try, it is in their DNA.

While I am at, some other good examples.  For those who read my posts about the Aunt that had a stroke, get this, she comes home, cannot work and needs to be massaged daily or few times weekly.  She can't afford Rehab so her sister, who lives next door, said "don't worry, I will massage you for 100k weekly."  I am dead serious.

This is the best one yet.  A member of the family worked as a security guard and met his wife when she was shopping where he worked.  This guy did not finish high school and went straight to work to earn money, could not wait.  They eventually got married, have 2 young kids ages 2 and 4.  Her family is very wealthy and owns commercial agriculture farms, properties and travel globally and stay in 5 star hotels.  Not bad for this guy, right?

Well, the rest of the story.  Her father gives him a job as a director at one of their commercial farms to manage, not a difficult job, just make sure people are working and things are operating.  Her parents give them a big beautiful home in DaLat. So he brags to his friends and the large family how rich he is and constantly shows off.  This guy never gave money to his parents, actually borrowed money from them and his wife's family (you guessed it, gambling habit etc.)  This guy did not want to work, just play and thinking his wife would never leave him and that her family would be an ATM. 

Well you can guess what happened.  Despite his wife being a traditional and loyal wife and mother, she kicked him out.  Months went by and he promised to change.  He went back, did not change and thought he could scam her and her family.  She gave him the final boot and she took her kids to live in France.  I am guessing to protect herself and her family.  Now this guy (age 40+) is living with his parents and cannot keep a job because he thinks he can scam money from others.  Imagine, this guy had the life of a king with unlimited wealth, family job, superb wife and lovely kids, but his MINDSET never changed and thus, he is right back to where he started, living like a dog.

Funny always hear foreigners complaining about being walking ATM over and over again. If you are married to a Vietnamese you are family and until now there are people who still believe foreigners have lots of money. If you are their family member they expect to get something from you since they think you are rich. Does not really matter if you are a foreigners or Vietnamese. I have one or two rich relatives who actually help around their siblings, counsins, nephews, niecies, ect... (finding jobs, give money sometimes). But they are still not well liked, in fact being badmouthed a lots behind their back because obviously they are not sharing their wealth generously enough. Like if a relative from the countryside come to their house, they expect to be treated to very nice meals and getting gifts (money, gold, imported products, etct.). And they are not bad or greedy, that is just how our culture are. Like my parents were definitely not rich and cannot help around as much but those same relatives like my parents. They prefer coming and stay at our house when they go to Hanoi than at the rich relative houses. I do not really know how to explain this. But we had this old saying "one become mandarin (ruling rank), his whole family can rely on him" by family I mean all the relatives, not just close family. I guess it might be hard to make sure all of your Vietnamese relatives understand that you have money to give away freely just because you are foreigners. But as long as those that you often see get that then it should be ok.

Heretolearn wrote:

they expect to be treated to very nice meals and getting gifts (money, gold, imported products, etct.). And they are not bad or greedy,

Yes they are greedy.  Expectations of money and gold when visiting?  Greedy.  My wife's parents and siblings are very poor small town people and nobody has every expected or asked for gifts of money, gold or imported goods.

They do not ask of course. They ll just tell others that they visited you and you gave them nothing. Again, my parents are just middle class so the same people that expect gifts from rich relatives never expect it from my parents. If you are rich and you do not share that wealth with your relatives it deems unacceptable. Though of course there are greedy ppl who no matter how much you share they will not be happy with you. Still there are ppl who are not greedy but they come to your house, you don't treat them to a feast but to what you usually have they think you do not respect them. They might not take your gifts if you offer them but if you do not offer them a gift then you do not respect them. Take a lots to really understand a different culture so just stop coming to a conclusions out of one s angles. Keep seeing the "walking ATM" metaphor just really make me rolling my eyes. Stop thinking all the bad things happen to you because you are a foreigners. You are not that special that you get special bad experinces.

Expecting something is half the problem.

Heretolearn wrote:

They do not ask of course. They ll just tell others that they visited you and you gave them nothing. Again, my parents are just middle class so the same people that expect gifts from rich relatives never expect it from my parents. If you are rich and you do not share that wealth with your relatives it deems unacceptable. Though of course there are greedy ppl who no matter how much you share they will not be happy with you. Still there are ppl who are not greedy but they come to your house, you don't treat them to a feast but to what you usually have they think you do not respect them. They might not take your gifts if you offer them but if you do not offer them a gift then you do not respect them. Take a lots to really understand a different culture so just stop coming to a conclusions out of one s angles. Keep seeing the "walking ATM" metaphor just really make me rolling my eyes. Stop thinking all the bad things happen to you because you are a foreigners. You are not that special that you get special bad experinces.

There is just so much wrong with this thought process that I can only shake my head.

That, and I am happy that my wife's family is nothing at all like the family you describe.

blunders wrote:

If you marry a Vietnamese female there is a good chance that you will be scammed. Could be quick or slow but it almost always happens. It's a well tested industry which lines the pockets of all the players.

I don't completely disagree with you.  However, I don't think your generalisation can support your argument either.

How many marriages between Vietnamese women and foreigners do you happen to know personally?  Are the people in those marriages represent the different socio-economic classes and education levels in this country?  Did they enter marriage life for the right reason?

Somewhere on this forum I mentioned that there were close to 30 mixed marriages in my extended family.  IIRC, the newest union at the time of my writing was 1.5 years and the oldest was around 4 decades.  Only one of those marriages ended in a divorce, but even the ex-spouse did not complain that he was taken advantage of.  In fact, I can't remember how many times I overheard the men said to one another that they were very fortunate in their choice of spouses. 

In truth, I don't think the females in my family were special in any particularly way.  Their marriages last because the women were not lured by money and the men were not blinded by beauty or lust.   Also, only one couple has a large age gap and all of them speak each other's language, or rather, the women speak their spouse's language very well (English, French, German, or Japanese) and the men all try to speak Vietnamese to a degree.

Marriage to a Vietnamese woman is the same as marriage to a woman of other origin. 

Before contemplating a union, the couple should learn about each other's life history, dreams, and expectations.  There should be shared goals.  The couple should understand that for every disagreement, there's a line over which neither partner should cross.  There should be love, respect, and mutual effort to overcome the obstacle of language and culture.  Above all, both partners should possess a good degree of loyalty and tenacity.  Not blaming the other person for all the wrong things in the marriage would be helpful also.

blunders wrote:

Just ask some of the offshore workers who arrived in Vung Tau during the mid nineties. Many got married, had children and were ripped off.

Precisely as I've thought.  Offshore workers and a certain type of local women!  How many of them paid one iota of attention to the importance of marriage? 

The men whose salary gave them a comfortable lifestyle in their home countries now found themselves able to live extravagantly without exhausting their income.  With a wallet thicker than ever and an abundance of female who were different from the women at home -- young, slim, pretty, gentle, and ready to do anything in exchange for a pile of cash -- the men should've been happy to have a temporary answer for their temporary need.  And they should've stopped there. 

Instead, they became temporary insane and married their itch scratchers!

Who was to blame when both sides got what they wanted?

blunders wrote:

You pays your money - you takes your chances.

That sentence should be read as "You think with the wrong head, you take your chances."

No one puts a gun against anyone's temple and makes him/her act like an eejit.

moscowmetro wrote:

wish I knew and got to deal with your relatives, I find VN in general to be very unpunctual.


100% in agreement, I have lived here 12 years & my experience is that the Vietnamese have little or no concept of good manners

especially at checkout / counter

Heretolearn wrote:

Funny always hear foreigners complaining about being walking ATM over and over again. If you are married to a Vietnamese you are family and until now there are people who still believe foreigners have lots of money. If you are their family member they expect to get something from you since they think you are rich. Does not really matter if you are a foreigners or Vietnamese. I have one or two rich relatives who actually help around their siblings, counsins, nephews, niecies, ect... (finding jobs, give money sometimes). But they are still not well liked, in fact being badmouthed a lots behind their back because obviously they are not sharing their wealth generously enough. Like if a relative from the countryside come to their house, they expect to be treated to very nice meals and getting gifts (money, gold, imported products, etct.). And they are not bad or greedy, that is just how our culture are. Like my parents were definitely not rich and cannot help around as much but those same relatives like my parents. They prefer coming and stay at our house when they go to Hanoi than at the rich relative houses. I do not really know how to explain this. But we had this old saying "one become mandarin (ruling rank), his whole family can rely on him" by family I mean all the relatives, not just close family. I guess it might be hard to make sure all of your Vietnamese relatives understand that you have money to give away freely just because you are foreigners. But as long as those that you often see get that then it should be ok.

Yes, if you are from a poor uneducated family in VN, the mindset is that, which is why they will always be in that situation.  No, it is not VN culture, it is the mindset and it is no different in other countries.  Yes, these VN families do the same to other VN, just not foreigners and thus, it is a Vietnam issue, not a foreigner issue. 

The critical point is that these people know they are being selfish, lazy and disrespectful, but will make arguments like you did to justify their mindset, but everybody knows it is a con, including Vietnamese.  I have seen it happen with VN boyfriends of some family members where these families try the same BS arguments on a VN man and yes, he runs and fast.

Or in restaurants